The key to racial harmony? Unbearable tropical heat
Seth Brundle, a brilliant but eccentric climate scientist, issued his findings after years of research into both racism and climate change. He said that “no one was more surprised than I” to find a direct connection between the two phenomenon.
“My eureka moment,” Brundle said, “was when I was listening to my grandparents prattle on about the civil rights protests in the 60s and about those ‘long hot summers’. Well, out of either boredom or curiosity, I looked at some global temperature charts and discovered that there was a definite temperature spike in 1964, the year the Civil Rights Act was passed. I dismissed it as coincidence, but it stayed in my head like a Mentos jingle.”
“Eventually,” continued Brundle, “I checked other dates in civil rights history, and every time, there was a spike. Brown v. Board of Education – spike. Rosa Parks sits in the front of the bus – spike. Obama elected President – half a spike. The connection was undeniable.”
Stathis Borans, a climate scientist who is 97% certain that Brundle is onto something, discussed the implications of the research findings.
“The good news,” said Borans, “is that global warming is curing actual racism. The bad news is that as real racism goes away, those in the race-grievance industry lose money and power. To compensate for this, grievance peddlers will have to market inconsequential, frictional, and incidental episodes of mild rudeness as actual, deliberate, oppressive racism. Sorta like how unscrupulous bartenders water down their whiskey.”
“But while real racism is easy to fix with temperature increases, it takes drastically more heat to burn out fake racism.” Borans said. “Basically the oceans will burst into flame before every microaggression is eliminated.”
A joint statement on the topic issued by the Congressional Black Caucus read simply “shut up and start idling your SUVs.”
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the most environmentally friendly thing we can do to reduce manmade global warming is to kill ourselves.
mass suicide is all the best way to eliminate racism.
I wouldn’t be surprised if some leftist floated the idea of government-mandated suicide…with a government agency to help/enforce the mandate.
Nah.
The people who are most committed to the idea of mass suicide should go last, to make sure everyone else goes first.
#JonestownStrong
Use your favorite search engine to look for “Voluntary Human Extinction Movement.”
It’s real. They’re deadly serious. And they have no sense of humor about people who say “you first.”
As long as the government goes first.
It would already be law if they weren’t afraid of it diminishing their vote counts.
So Ice Ages cause racism? Sounds legit.
Snow’s white Dude, QED.
Quantum electrodynamics!?
Kudos on The Fly being the PoR for the article. Science as crazy human crap, indeed.
Bacon to you for catching that.
I always wonder if people notice the names I slip in…
When any writer uses democrat ??? rather than democratic ??? they have given themselves away and should be dismissed for giving themselves away.
True. It’s one of the little hints that I give people that this is satire, and not an actual news article.
Also, using characters from the 80’s version of the movie “The Fly” as interviewee names.
Also also, using categories titled “Newish Fakery” and “Parody & Satire”. On a blog whose tagline is “Unfair, Unbalanced. Unmedicated.”
And yet some people still think these are real…
They aren’t real???? I’ve been lied to all these years??? But my whole life is based on what I read here!