People are always saying to me, “Frank, why do you keep writing about politics? I don’t care about politics. Can you write about something else?”
I don’t know who these people are; they’re always gone by the time I turn around. In fact, it might just be voices in my head. But anyway, I’ve always loved animals ever since I was a kid. Well, I loved them as a kid and I’m kinda eh about them now, but I know a few little-known fun facts about animals to share with you. Well, they might be fun; I’m not really sure. If they’re not fun, hey I’m sorry. The voices told me to write this post.
FUN ANIMAL FACTS
* If you roll an alligator on its back, it will be unable to right itself. Try it. It only works with really big ones.
* Polar bears are only naturally white when young, as eventually their furs turns brown as they get older. Thus Eskimos bleach adult polar bears so they’ll meet tourist expectations.
* The eagle is the only bird legally able to rent a car.
* No matter how much it begs, no matter how much it cries, never loan a sloth money.
* It’s not true that honey badgers don’t care about anything, something you’ll find out if you mention the Fed in front of one.
* Lions used to be one of the most prosperous species, living on all continents and dominating the food chain. But that was like a thousand years ago and now they’re just violent militants.
* Little is known about the deep-sea dwelling giant squid other than that it is deathly afraid of clowns.
* Despite its duck-like appearance, the platypus, much like Adolph Hitler, is a mammal.
* The turtle’s shell was an evolutionary adaptation allowing a turtle to get free food at parties while still being a severe introvert.
* The chimpanzee is the smartest animal other than human, but it’s not like it’s going to develop a cure for cancer or anything so who cares?
* The main difference between a wolf and a domesticated dog is how easily is can recognize that Beggin’ Strips aren’t real bacon.
* The penguins, being a bird that can’t fly, are extremely bitter and angry.
* Scientist still don’t understand how a snake moves without any limbs. Then again, they haven’t really studied it because then they’d have to touch snakes.
* The extra ‘l’ in llama is for savings.
* Leave a lizard in water too long and it will become a salamander.
* There’s only one known poisonous bird. His name is Jeremy. Keep an eye out for him.
I really enjoyed that, Frank.
But what’s wrong with combining animal and political fun facts?
* A ostrich will stick its head in the sand to make trouble go away – but it draws a line in the sand before sticking it in Obama’s ass.
* To say that Obama is related to Pygmy marmosets is a racial insult to Pygmy marmosets. Just sayin’.
* Did you know that a crow’s “caw” is different in CA because of sky-high taxes? Well, you do now.
* Raccoons are bad actors, and, like Hollywood liberals, are known to attack people. Shoot them. No, I mean the Hollywood liberals.
* Did you know that “Pink Salmon” are called that because they prefer pink fishing lures? Don’t tell Code Pink.
Okay, I’m done.
I wish the voices in my head were half as cool as yours. They did a good job here you should keep listening to them.
Wait… I thought *I* was the voice in Frank’s head?
Have I just been fired?
Well, if that’s true, Harvey, it’s obvious you hate animals – and Frank loves them.
@4 – Not true. I love animals. Mostly with barbecue sauce.
Sauce for the goose?
Around these parts, we have a lotta “Canadian geese” that have to be soaked in Conservatism for 24 hours before you can eat ’em.
I thought Canadian geese came with a maple syrup glaze built in???? Huh…..learn sumpthin new everyday….
That reminds me, I haven’t paid you in a while, Harvey. I should do that. I mean, if you’re real.
@8 – I’m just as real as any other voice in Frank’s head.
Wait! You are supposed to pay the voices in your head? No wonder mine quit speaking to me.
So if a platypus is a cross between a duck, a beaver, a cobra, and an alligator. Do they taste like chicken?
I always thought the tortoise just carried its own bowl.
Manbearpig says Glow-ball warming is Otay!!
Monkey!! Never lend a sloth Monkey!!
You’ve heard of the Clown Fish. Well, it wore an Obama mask and was banned from the reef er a for life.
I got in touch with my “Inner-Child” once.
He was screaming.
After years of therapy and prescription anti-depressants, my inner-child no longer screams.
Now he just chants, “DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!” in the evenings until I fall asleep.
The other 6 voices in my head take turns watching him, to make sure he never gets out.
But other than that, I’m fine.
Sorry.
It was late and I was tired.
Sloths are the worst, they look innocent but its like they’re always planning for something big.