Let’s send a B-Ark

Now scientists think that there may be 17-billion Earth-size planets in our galaxy. That’s a U.S. billion, which is 17 followed by 9 zeroes.

Now, just because a planet is Earth-size doesn’t mean it will support life. Look at Venus, the nearest planet to Earth. It’s just about the same size as Earth, but its average temperature is 872° F (467° C for you scientist types and Europeans), which is hot, even for someone from the south.

Still, 17-billion? That’s a lot of planets. Maybe we’ll find one that’s habitable.

And, if we do, we need to figure out how to send a B-Ark with all the liberals on it.

In The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the Golgafrincham sent their useless people off into space. For those that don’t know the story — and shame on you if you don’t! — the Golgafrincham told of impending doom, and the population would be sent off into space in three giant space arks, with the A-Ark containing the leaders and achievers, the C-Ark containing people who did the actual work, and the B-Ark containing, well, the rest. Of course, the B-Ark was sent off first, and the rest of the population remained behind, rid of the nuisances.

Which means this information about there being 17-billion Earth-size planets? We can use this.

We need to come up with some story that the liberals will believe — I don’t think being eaten by a mutant Star Goat will do — and send them off.

Maybe tell them we found a planet populated with baby seals. Or a planet with free Obamaphones and food stamps. We need to come up with something.

Keep in mind, we don’t need to wait until we find another habitable planet. We just need ideas to get them to agree to all pile into a big ship we can send off into deep space.

Ideas?

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22 Comments

  1. Simple. We just tell them we’ve finally realized they were right about global warming and it’s time for immediate action.

    They won’t be able to get their smug little faces on the ship fast enough.

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  2. We’ve discovered a planet at the edge of the galaxy populated by unicorns and a race of aliens undocumented inhabitants who’s main cultural activity is to displense birth control, have gay sex, work for nothing as long as it’s for the greater good and have not invented black powder of color.

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  3. Since it will take 40,000 years to get there, we’ll give them a little, red, ‘longevity pill’ before they board that will put them in ‘stasis’ for the voyage. Of course, we don’t tell them that the ship’s initial trajectory is a collision path with the Sun.

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  4. We could tell the Libs that the the SCOTUS ruled that the Constitution and Bill of Rights only apply to Earth leaving the new Earth, which we will call Earth 2.1, completely free of any limitation on Government. As such, Earth 2.1 is in dire need of a group of people who can tell each other what size soda is good for them and how much salt is healthy.

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  5. Free condoms, free abortions for those who don’t like to use condoms, all the choom they can smoke, and tell them it was Barry’s idea so that anyone who doesn’t want to go is RAAAACIST!!1!1

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  6. We’ll definitely need a theme song for this. I suggest modifying one that is already popular with lefties with lyrics along these lines:

    “Imagine no rightwingers
    I wonder if you can
    No need for guns or freedom
    A brotherhood of man, woman, GLBT, etc.
    Imagine all the people
    Sharing B-Ark2”

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  7. Interesting how closely B-ark and B-rak are. Tell them they can get a free ride, free phones and a ride along with the Choomster to the new Earth 2.0 and they’ll likely line up for miles, or kilometers I suppose.

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  8. Tell them only the smartest, most caring, most articulate people will be allowed on board.
    Their own egos will force them to claw their way to a spot in the ship.
    It’d be the easiest scam since “The Emperors New Clothes”.
    In a way, it’d be a reverse-rapture; the proud would be taken, the humble would remain.

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