Extra! Extra! Read you headlines!
Headlines grabbed from Google News unless otherwise noted:
From CNN’s frontpage: Jim Carrey, other stars flee hotel fire in London
Those Hollywood elites – can’t take a simple hotel fire like us a regular folk.
* * * *
San Antonio to require strippers to wear badges
Will weird San Antonian fetish spread elsewhere?
* * * *
From CNN’s frontpage: CIA: New audiotape likely al Qaeda leader
New leader so revered that only Muslims clerics are allowed to rewind him.
* * * *
New Met Martinez fires shot at Red Sox
Will there ever be a stop to violence from athletes?
* * * *
From CNN’s frontpage: A hero remembers the Battle of the Bulge
Aquaman gets a $400 question right in Superhero Jeopardy due to having seen a documentary on the History channel.
* * * *
Six Palestinians killed in southern Gaza
Yet life goes on.
* * * *
UN and US Concerned About Suu Kyi Restrictions
“Can’t get enough Suu Kyi!” US and UN exclaim.
* * * *
Soldier Charged With Having Himself Shot
Could face firing squad for his crime.
* * * *
US citizen may have right to fight Saudi jailing
Definitely have right to party.
* * * * *
US designates al-Manar TV ‘terrorist’
al-Manar says its constant reruns of Suddenly Susan aren’t an attempt to kill anyone.
* * * *
3 nominated to key state agencies
Were chosen after seeing how good they are at keying cars.
* * * *
Federal agency proposes threatened status for orcas
If they won’t respond to threats, air strikes may be next.
* * * *
Linux goes mainstream
Home users into the tens.
* * * *
DMX Busted For Driving With A Suspended License
“I swear I also had an illegal gun on me,” DMX exclaimed after being laughed at for lamest rapper arrest ever.
This feature had become so popular, that I’ll have to cut back number of reader citations. Here’s a couple funnies in the comments from the last post, but, if you have time, I recommend going back and checking them out yourself:
From www.cbs.sportsline.com
Pedro knows a good deal when he sees it
But he took a job with the Mets anyways.
Posted by: NMUSpidey on December 15, 2004 01:02 PM
Stocks slip on oil
Stocks now seeks $24 billion in lawsuit.
Posted by: Son of Risasi on December 15, 2004 01:21 PM
From New York Times:
Court Upholds Patent Ruling Against Maker of BlackBerry
God, who also made strawberrys, blueberries, vows to appeal
Posted by: basil on December 15, 2004 01:23 PM
Judge’s Ten Commandments Robe Sparks Debate
Debate ended abruptly when judge disrobed.
Posted by: gaskar on December 15, 2004 01:29 PM
From Chicago Sun-Times:
Body takes detour on way to burial
Family tracks down and buries Dad despite his protests
Posted by: basil on December 15, 2004 01:49 PM
Jenna Bush to Teach in D.C.
Georgetown U students eager to learn how to fake IDs.
Posted by: sarahk on December 15, 2004 02:14 PM
DOJ Asked to Probe Spy Leak
Jack Bristow said no, told DOJ to step back.
Posted by: sarahk on December 15, 2004 02:15 PM
CNN:
Wal-Mart terminates 3 top executives
“Smiley face went crazy” says witness
Posted by: Johnny Catbird on December 15, 2004 02:15 PM
Drudge
“APOLOGIES FOR ‘FLORAL SWASTIKA'”
They were all out of chocolate swastikas.
Posted by: right on December 15, 2004 06:50 PM
Now go at him again in the comments, ronin.
Get ’em, boys; get ’em!
OOOOO! BIG RHINO ON A DONKEY!
From Fox:
Cuba Takes On Santa Claus
Santa happy for the work. “Dat one day a year crap ain’t payin da bills!”
From Google News:
EU summit reaches agreement on enlargement
Leaders agree cheap Viagra from Canada is only way Chirac got it up.
From CNN:
‘Poison’ found in Indonesian VP’s soup
Kalla says, “That’s the last time I let Viktor Yushchenko order for me!”
From Fox:
Cookie Jar Thwarts Robber
Robber shakes fist. Shouts “curses!!”.
From CNN:
Bush to sign intelligence reform bill into law
Saying words like “misunderestimate” now considered smart
From CNN:
‘Bionic’ Dolphin fulfills dream
Gets job as manager of local Krusty Krab
From Washington Post:
One Prince William Hopes to Lure Another
Horny clone on loose
From CNN:
Deneriaz sets up Saslong hat-trick
Deneriaz: “So, Saslong, whatcha got in the hat?”
Ooo baby, I’ve been savin’ up!
NEW FRENCH ICON ECLIPSES THE EIFFEL…
Jerry Lewis STILL growing, no end in sight
Orcas get closer to federal protection
– But Feds believe it’s likely Crime Bosses will easily find “big fat orcas” hiding in Montana.
Pfizer Finds Celebrex Heart Attack Risk
– Celebrex immediately files lawsuit against Atkins Estate
Cuba Erects Sign Linking U.S. and Fascism
– Pfizer claims Celebrex not involved in any way
Hearing Set for Saddam’s Defense Minister
– Now regrets he didn’t do it sooner to avoid misunderstanding Saddam’s order NOT to gas Kurds. Judge sees humor in whole ordeal, lets him go with warning.
Randy Johnson on Verge of Joining Yankees
– Cat Minerva found dead in front of television. Detectives believe bowling ball meant for screen.
EU Clinches Deal on Launching Turkey Entry Talks
– Says amnesty WILL be granted to those seeking asylum from America during November every year, will provide social assistance and dental work. Dutch said to be nervous.
UN European HQ May Be Full of Bugs
– Headline writers say this one too easy
Anne Frank Apartment to Become Home for Writers
– First, Anarchist squatters must be removed.
Kremlin Reasserts Hold on Russia’s Oil and Gas
– Putin: “Doh! We forgot about Stolichnaya.”
Palm Beach Sheriff’s Office Gets 30-Foot Boat With Mounted Machine Guns…
– Normal males of World envious.
Stocks Head South Amid Pfizer Bombshell
– Head back to NY after hearing about Palm Beach’s Scary Machine Gun Boat
Annan pledges to cooperate in oil-for-food probe
– Member nations erupt in laughter when delivered with deadpan serious face. Annan to host Saturday Night Live tomorrow.
THANK YOU! Goodnight everyone.
From Cnn:
Sheriff: Peterson buoyed by ‘fan mail’
Apologizing for the delay, sheriff notes “the cement anchor should be dry in about an hour.”
From The New York Times:
36 HOURS: Albuquerque
Bugs Bunny finally makes decision on left turn
From Fox News:
Cuba Takes On Santa Claus
Vegas odds: 6 to 1
EU Offers Turkey Entry Talks
Chickens, ducks demand equal representation
From Yahoo News
On Tape, Bin Laden Tries New Approach
Finds duct tape more effective than Scotch tape.
Chess Legend Bobby Fischer Eyes Iceland
Iceland slaps him, files $50 millon lawsuit
Cuba Erects Sign Linking U.S. and Fascism
Moveon.org files copyright infringment suit
From CNN:
Mother seeks justice for son’s death
Mom: I want David Souter’s ass!
From http://www.canada.com:
Canada won’t fund missle shield
Next morning Canada replaced by mysterious radioactive crater.
U.N Says it will disband and Cease to Exist in 30 days.
(Still looking for link to story)
From CNN:
‘Bard’s’ funny tale does not hold interest
The bipolar movie reviewer strikes again
From CNN:
Buffalo bound for a home on the range
S&M Bison comfortable at last
From Fox:
Judge OKs Christian Candy
Gives two thumbs-up to Devil’s food cake
From The Hawaii Channel:
Class-Action Suit Filed Over Hilton Mold
Initially thought to be effect of night vision camera, fans shocked when real reason for green appearance discovered
From Fox:
Arson Suspect Failed Lie Test
Blames public schools
Drudge:
Stem cell researcher makes paralyzed rats walk…
Says he stole cool idea from John Edwards
Drudge (again):
48 pct of British men aged 19-24 have been blind drunk at least 2X a month over past year…
Irish laugh and call them “P***ies!”
Drudge (continue)
Girls overtake boys in UK binge drinking study…
Boys have no shame in scoring even MORE easily.
New York City starts probe of Kerik…
Kerik: “Respect my athoritay! No more probes!”
from Boston Globe http://www.boston.com/news/world/articles/2004/12/16/bombing_mars_launch_of_political_campaign_in_iraq/
Bombing Mars Launch of Political Campaign in Iraq
Logical extension of Frank J.’s “nuke the moon” campaign
From Fox:
GOP lawmaker joins Rumsfeld critics
Friends of the lawmaker said the death did not come as a shock. The ailing lawmaker had been sick for some time.
Harrison Ford signs for Iraq war film…
Frank J. considers knew section “IMAO FOR THE DEAF”
All from Google News.
“Cold Turkey for Christmas”
Rest of Europe also in the northern hemisphere, scientists say.
“Microsoft Adds Spyware Weapon to Arsenal”
Soccer fans puzzled.
“Carrey masters disguises in ‘Lemony Snicket'”
And still can’t look like an actor.
“The Boss Has Gone Crazy”
AI programmers to redo much of the programming. Damn shame, beta testers say.
“UN rejects US demands to increase staff in Iraq”
Use of UN staff as target practice said to be at the base of rejection.
“Coleman expresses concern about Rumsfeld’s leadership”
Rummy should watch out, Gary Coleman is not to be trifled with. (www.gopostal.com)
“Ferguson fears Dutch star will be out for several weeks”
Dude, that’s one hell of a hangover.
“After 41 years, a gulf still divides Turkey and Europe”
Yeah, it’s called “sea”.
“EU Takes Landmark Step Towards Turkish Membership”
First stone set, at a cost of $15 billions. No end date known at the moment.
“Bush Signs Intelligence Overhaul Legislation”
Public school abolished.
“Human spaceflight the key for new NASA boss”
Yeah, cardboard wings are sooo yesterday, let’s strap a rocket on some guy and see if he reaches escape velocity.
uh… NEW
From fox news: Peterson enjoying fan mail…
Male fans in San Quentin soon to be enjoying Peterson
EU offers Turkey entry talks…
Turkey gets the trots
Bush signs Intelligence Bill…
Trees and lawn outraged over being left out of ceremony
Arson suspect fails lie test…
Vows to ace the SAT
From Fox:
Genes Affect Response to Antidepressants
Woman sobs, “Siskel’s dead, Autrey, Roddenbury. Hackman and Simmons are next, you wait and see.”
CNN: “Sheriff: Peterson buoyed by ‘fan mail'”
Drowning abandoned in favor of lethal injection.
CNN: “Repo man takes van with presents inside”
Described by witnesses as green hirsute in Santa costume
From fox:
Congressmen at Khyber Pass…
Don’t remember why
Stocks head south amid pfizer bombshell…
Heard that what happens down in Mexico, stays in Mexico
Crude price rises on cold spell…
Disproves “shrinkage” theory
gaskar –Brilliant!
From Associated Press:
Yushchenko points finger at dinner…
Waiter not amused when asked to pull it.
Drudge: Palm beach sheriff’s office gets 30-foot boat with mounted machine guns…
Did not have enough coupons for the optional SAM launchers, warp drive and photon cannon.
From Cnn:
Bhutan first nation to ban smoking
Ironically continues to export its famous lighter fuel
Thanks C.Y.!
Drudge: Teachers urged to photgraph violence..
Said to be tried of just kiddie porn
try: tired
Dang
Drudge: Schwarzeneggers Sued Over House Sale…
Teddy homeless and really pissed now!
From Yahoo News
“I’m Not Touching It, YOU Touch It!”
Janet Reno later asked to leave DC area massage parlor.
From Fox:
More Uncounted Ballots Found in Wash.
Embarrassed launderer claims, “I usually check the pockets first”
From Yahoo News
“Lott: Rumsfeld Should Go, at Some Point”
Lott then proceeded to read quotes from the childrens book,”Everyone Poops”.
MSNBC: Spacecraft Snaps Pictures of Saturn’s Moons…
NASA tells Moms it was just a harmless fraternity stunt
From Yahoo News
“Top UN court dismisses Belgrade’s genocide claim against NATO states”
Before leaving,genocide claim vows,”I shall return”
More from Google News.
“EPA Says 225 Counties Fail Air Standards”
Scientists baffled when explained that counties are not supposed to fly.
“Chelsea vs. Barcelona in Champions League draw”
The Clintons plan to sue.
“W.House Gives Rumsfeld New Vote of Confidence”
Close vote turned landslide when sixteen naysayers turned up dead.
“Sharon opens a new era of peace in Middle East”
Insist it’s just a “can o’ whup-ass”.
“US to forgive Iraq’s $4 billion debt”
Still won’t forgive Iraq for picking on them in third grade.
“Europe, US in Deadlock on Climate Talks’ Last Day”
Stop this BS or die, says US.
“You Google, but do you Skype?”
Abhorrible neologisms just won’t stop coming.
“Survey shows lack of confidence at FDA”
Impopularity of drug SUBministration blamed.
“How to eat your heart out”
Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s brain-eating has finally been one-upped!
“The Newest Hope; Marriage of Necessity Just Might Work Out”
It’s always about the sex.
“Consumer Prices Up in Nov. As Gas Calms”
‘A really explosive situation’ title author lynched by mob of angry consumers.
“Oscars Forced Back to March in ’06”
Had to make space for Michael Moore.
“Survey: FDA scientists question safety”
Safety breaks under torture. It was French, latest reports say.
“Gazprom applies for participation in Yuganskneftegaz auction”
Analysts say it will join ‘asdfhjklek’, ‘sgtwlzowYkel’ in ‘droVoLkrqaszeazistan’
“Pfizer, AstraZeneca Pummel Drug Stocks”
The Center Against Violence to Paper Products threatens to sue.
“Analysis: After Yukos’ funeral”
Ground-breaking sequel to Analysis: Before Yukos’ Funeral announced for 2005.
“Microsoft Moves On Spyware To Stymie Firefox”
Firefox responds Gates = Hitler, says they are not democrats.
“Arafat’s death seen breaking Mideast diplomatic logjam”
Experts: a mirage. Logjams in the desert? C’mon.
“US, Europe at Odds on Emissions Controls”
Yes, that E before Mission Control is odd. Other questions?
“Legal Questions Dog Microsoft Acquistion”
Microsoft = Bush Administration, say detractors who will not be identified as democrats.
“US November consumer prices up”
Tom Clancy’s lawsuit re Red October blamed.
“Guard admitted arson role”
Scientist admitted firefighter role, dog admitted protagonist role. Hollywood is going to hell in a handbasket!
“San Antonio to require strippers to wear badges”
Lucky for Barbie she already had pierced nipples.
FOX:
Baby Cut From Womb of Slain Woman Believed Found…
DUmmies propose changing reason for Christmas from Christ to Found Baby, then verbally attacks baby for being responsible for a blatantly capitalist holiday.
Sex Industry Funded Campaign Against D.C. Stadium…
Blogger Wonkette spearhead fund drive. ALL bloggers found responsible for DC’s sex industry.
“Baby found alive, healthy”
…otherwise, it would still be called a fetus.
“48 pct of British men aged 19-24 have been blind drunk at least 2X a month over past year…”
Ugly women in Britian getting more sex too…
“Worker fired for selling Queen’s Christmas pud”
If she doesn’t eat her meat, she can’t have any pudding.
Microsoft buys Giant to attack spyware
Spyware responds by buying Jack some magic beans.
AP
Homeless Man Compacted in Garbage Truck
“We’ll never get that smell out of the truck” reports the driver.
Panasonic Races To Meet Plasma Demand
Red Cross cries “Unfair!” to new competition…
From AJC:
Williams: Miami’s Bad Year Not His Fault
Finally admits he’s a no-talent hack
From AJC:
San Antonio Strippers to Wear Permits
Record number apply for job as permit inspector
From AJC:
Stem cells from fat used to repair skull injury
Use for Michael Moore finally found
From Yahoo News:
44 Percent in U.S. Poll Say Restrict Muslims
Other 56% Apparently Comfortable Saying “Allahu Akbar”
Michael Jackson Greets Kids at Neverland
Umm… wait a minute… I’m thinking…
From AJC:
Cooing to babies may explain origin of language
Top scientist: “Our weasearch sowed babies wistened wen mommy tawked, ess ey did, coochy-coochy-coochy.”
From AJC:
Chemical plant has clean safety record
Used own chemicals to remove the spot
All from PCWorld.com:
RealNetworks Promises IPod Fix
But demands IPod check into rehab in return
Court Lifts BlackBerry Maker’s Injunction
Enraged BlackBerry Maker slaps Court upside the head…
Zafi Worm Hides Behind Christmas Cheer
Insecticide makers demand arrest of Christmas Cheer for harboring fugitive…
AMD Quietly Releases New Opterons
Washington Redskins quickly sign them to bolster sagging offense.
Sony Says All Systems Go for PSP Launch
NASA scientists skeptical, claim it’s just a PR ploy…
Obsolete Software Drains Billions From IT Budgets
Microsoft claims no involvement, says it hasn’t made obsolete software in weeks
Researcher Warns Male Laptop Users of Infertility Risk
Says “I couldn’t start a family until I started using female laptops!”
Scammers Could Hijack Pop-Ups
Strategy believed less dangerous than hijacking airplanes
From AJC:
Cherokee meth lab busted
Promise to have fixed by end of week
“Strippers to wear badges”… OK, this is probably one of thos questions I know I’ll regret asking, but where do they pin them?
From AJC:
Murdoch to pay record $44 million for Fifth Avenue penthouse
Tops record paid for Broadway Hustler, Park Avenue Playboy
From AJC:
Church’s, Popeyes post sales gains
Good news for Baptist, no matter how you read it
From AJC:
Coke’s British water plan draws fire
In US, water still repels fire
From AJC:
Seal up point of entry to keep wasps out
And see a doctor
From AJC:
Get maximum efficiency from your dishwasher
Have her cut grass, vacuum carpet
From CNNmoney:
When Fido hits the road
… it’s usually after a squeal of brakes and a dull thud
Google News:
Eye On Stocks For Monday, Dec. 20
Nose on beach for vacation, reports Face
From CNN:
Cuba erects billboard attacking U.S.
U.S. gives a rat’s ass
From The Champlain Channel:
NRC Calls Vermont Yankee ‘Overall Good’
But has harsh words about shirt, boots
From The Omaha Channel:
When Ball Drops, Lincoln Goes Smokeless
Only really young boys allowd to smoke
From al.com:
Falcons turn around quickly
Get dizzy, stagger, fall down
From al.com:
Surgery gives McRoy clear vision for ’05
First medical use of time machine a success
From The Washington Post:
Singing the Norwegian Blues
Really obscure Hank Williams song found
From The Washington Post:
Ohio Voters Refile Election Challenge
Still not convinced Taft won in 1908
From The Washington Post:
Iceland Offers Asylum to Jailed Fischer
“The rooms are padded so he can’t hurt himself. He’s crazy as a football bat, you know” officials say.
From The Washington Post:
Ehrlich Agrees to Call Special Session
Drs. Craig, Westphall agree: It’s long overdue
From The Washington Post:
Drug Stocks Drag Markets Lower
Headline writer left wishing he knew another form of the verb “drag”
From The Washington Post:
Uncertain Landscape Ahead for Copyright Protection
Decision on azaleas delayed
From The Washington Post:
Schools Turn to Comics as Trial Balloon
Plan to make kids even stupider expected to succeed
AP
In U.S., 44 Percent Say Restrict Muslims
Other 56 percent say “Let them kill”
AP
Colombia Can’t Find Three IRA-Linked Men
Not being Ireland seen as impediment, some say.
AP
Man Who Killed Parents Now Slay Suspect
In other news, Satan suspected of evil.
Drudge: STOLEN WOMB BABY FOUND ALIVE
Left upset.
From Washington Post:
Fetus Survives Killing of Mother
441-month old fetus arrested, charged
BUSH SIGNS INTELLIGENCE OVERHAUL
Democratic Congressmen will get brain transplants
From CNN:
Jackson hosts 200 kids at Neverland party
400 parents arrested for child neglect.
All from CNN.com unless otherwise noted
Jackson hosts 200 kids at Neverland party
Is quoted saying: “If I’m going down, I’m going down happy!”
French spy satellite launched into orbit
Allows Frenchmen to surrender to anyone anywhere in the world
Firefighter among $10M arson suspects
“Yeah, works been kinda slow lately”
Task force: Shuttle launch on track
Hit by train shortly thereafter
Imaginary holiday party captures past
Present and future stil unaccounted for