I don’t really care about who the VP picks are, but those Kindles sound neat so I thought it would be cool to win one. Ends up I’m not eligible since I technically work for Pajamas Media, but you can go here and vote for who should VP for the Dems and Pubs and maybe win a Kindle so you can send it to me (which I’m pretty sure is perfectly cromulent).
Archive of entries posted on June 2008
Obama Visits Illinois Flood Damage
Quincy, IL (AP) – Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has given hands-on help in a flood zone in Illinois. He helped locals in the town of Quincy to fill sandbags to place on the banks of the Mississippi river, which is swelling to dangerous levels.
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“Today I’m acting in my role as a fellow citizen to help those in need,” said Obama. “Sometimes you have to set politics aside and do the work that needs to be done.”
Robert “Rusty” Jones, leader of the local Red Cross chapter and supervisor of the sandbagging project, was grateful for the Illinois Senator’s help. “Well, he DID pick up a shovel eventually, and actually put some sand in a couple bags. Gotta give him credit for that much. Mostly he just pranced around & got his picture took, though. And would ya think one of them strapping Secret Service guys could pick up a shovel? ‘Bout as useful as a porcupine in a lifeboat.”
Obama said: “Since I’ve been involved in public office we’ve not seen this kind of devastation.” He pledged to push federal and state governments to provide aid to the affected areas.
“Well,” said Rusty, “we don’t need ‘aid’ so much as people who bring their own damn shovels & work gloves. Big Tom over there owns the Ace Hardware in town, and he brought every digger & mitt he had in stock. All Barry’s entourage brought was a whole bunch of standin’ around & gettin’ in the way.”
Mr Obama had been scheduled to campaign in nearby Iowa, but that state is also badly affected by flooding and he did not want to draw government resources away from battling the problems.
“Hope Iowa’s ‘government resources’ don’t take as many sit-downs & smoke breaks as ours did,” said Rusty.
[Hat tip: Paul Abrams]
Busy
I got a lot of e-mails yesterday that said, “Frank, why didn’t you post? You are a bad blogger. I hope you die.” Well, I’m busy this week (the in-laws are visiting) so blogging will be light this week. It’s too bad, because there seems to be some good things to blog about. Like, one of Obama’s advisors says the main text he follows on national security is Winnie the Pooh. “If your tummy is grumbly, you go get some hunny,” Richard Danzig said… which actually sounds kinda aggressive.
I’m just kidding. Danzig said something much more asinine. Anyway, I hear that personally that Obama will use The Cat in the Hat as his text on foreign policy since that’s the most complex book he’s able to read.
lolterizt! Part 51
Once again, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.
[reference link]
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From RWW:
PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
Because It’s A Good Question
[inspired by an anonymous commenter #11 on this post]
Obama Backs Off On “We Bring A Gun” Comment
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PHILADELPHIA (AP) – After vowing to put up a tough fight in the general election campaign this fall by saying “if they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun“, presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama apologized to the American people for suggesting that guns might be useful in securing a victory during personal combat against a lesser-armed – yet still life-threatening – mortal enemy.
“First of all,” clarified Obama, “I’m getting old. And I haven’t had much sleep in the last 48 hours. Still, that’s no excuse to praise such a dangerous weapon. Naturally, I only meant such praise metaphorically, and any metaphorical gun I used would have a metaphorical trigger-lock and require a metaphorical background check and mandatory metaphorical 3-day waiting period.”
“In the non-metaphorical sense,” the senator continued. “I would never use a gun against someone armed with a knife. After all, maybe he’s just taking that knife to a pawn shop so that he can sell it for gas money. Or maybe he needs it to do surgery on himself because he can’t afford decent health care. I would never seek to use a firearm against an innocent victim of 7 years of disastrous Bush-McCain policies.”
“What I would do,” concluded Obama, “is agree to negotiations without preconditions so that I can continue to unite America through the hope of change. Unless, of course, the person with the knife were spreading rumors about Michelle’s Whitey-hating, in which case I would absolutely bust a cap in his ass.”
Fighting the Smears, IMAO-Style
As is quite obvious, I don’t really follow the news. I did catch Harvey’s post the other day, though, about how there is information out there that Obama says is not true… to the point that he had to start this Fight the Smears website. Have you ever heard of something like that? I mean, smears about a political candidate? Holy crap! When I heard that, I was like, “We must put an end to this! To the Frank-mobile!” We’re not just talking two or three smears either. If you look at the site, there’s like four or five of them.
I know! People are smearing someone running for office! My world is turned upside down! Why would people do this? Is it because Barack is Hispanic or something?
Now, I may not be Obama’s biggest political supporter, but I am not going to let politics become some big cesspool. So here are some even more smears I’ve found and refuted:
MORE OBAMA SMEARS
LIE: Barack Obama once went on a killing spree through all 57 states.
TRUTH: There aren’t actually 57 states. He misspoke.
LIE: Barack Obama has no penis.
TRUTH: Barack Obama is a hermaphrodite.
LIE: The only thing Barack Obama loves more than America is jihad.
TRUTH: Barack Obama loves many things more than America.
LIE: Michelle Obama hates whitey.
TRUTH: Michelle Obama hates the Jews.
LIE: You have to be retarded to think Barack Obama is a good candidate for president.
TRUTH: You could also just hate America and wish it ill will.
LIE: Barack Obama was originally raised as a Muslim.
TRUTH: Barack Obama converted from Wiccan to Islam in his teens.
LIE: Barack Obama’s middle name is Hussein.
TRUTH: It’s actually a swearword unfit for print. Directed at your mom.
LIE: Barack Obama wants to seize your guns.
TRUTH: He has no interest in your guns. After you’re imprisoned for owning firearms, he’ll let the police do as they may with them.
LIE: Barack Obama loves Che Guevara.
TRUTH: That brief fling they had was lust, not love.
LIE: Barack Obama has a long record of being a liberal.
TRUTH: Barack Obama doesn’t have a long record of doing anything. Name one liberal thing he’s done. Name anything he’s done. Come on; I dare you.
LIE: Barack Obama was banned by the state of Illinois from owning a dog because when he previously owned a puppy and got angry at it for barking too much, he raped it.
TRUTH: There was mutual consent.
LIE: Barack Obama’s brain is the size of a walnut.
TRUTH: It’s the size of a walnut shell, to be clear.
LIE: Barack Obama is planning to kill the pope.
TRUTH: Liars! There is no way anyone could have found out about his plan!
LIE: Barack Obama sold out Israel to Iran in exchange for a bag of magic beans.
TRUTH: The beans aren’t really magic.
LIE: Barack Obama knows to bring a gun to a knife fight.
TRUTH: If a fight breaks out, the only thing you’ll find on him his urine-soaked pants.
LIE: Barack Obama couldn’t find his ass with two hands and a flashlight.
TRUTH: He’s found it before and he’ll find it again.
Click on the “Email This” link below to help spread the truth!
Just Curious
The One-Man Gaffe Machine rolled on in Pennsylvania over the weekend:
Things did not go as flawlessly at a town-hall-style meeting on Saturday in Wayne, Pa. Picking an audience member for the final question of the day, Mr. Obama called out, “The young lady in the Coca-Cola T-shirt.”
“It says ‘recycling,'” she corrected him.
“Oh,” he replied, shrugging. “I’m getting old.”
Wonder if anyone in the MSM will ride his ass for being a befuddled coot who doesn’t know the difference between waste management and a soft drink?
Weekend Reading
John Hawkins has a poll of right-wing bloggers on the election.
Fred Thompson lowers the boom on the Boumediene v Bush decision.
R.I.P. Tim Russert
It’s hard to believe. He’s been a solid force in the news ever since I first became interested in politics. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family.
Help Fight Unemployment
Barack hired himself some nerds (“A crack team of cybernauts“) to help him squelch internet rumors. Their job is to “respond immediately to any inaccurate information about him”.
I’d hate to see these guys go back to coding web pages in exchange for Red Bull & Doritos, so here are some rumors for them to squelch:
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Obama sometimes posts at IMAO as “Aquaman”.
Obama is NOT a Muslim – he is a member of the Thuggee cult, a worshipper of Kali (Hindu goddess of death and destruction), and a devoted follower of Mola Ram. He once tried to rip the beating heart out of an American archaeologist. Obama recently left the cult and denounced Mola Ram – some say for purely political reasons.
A WHOIS search shows that Obama owns www.hotnaughtygrannies.com
Obama has six fingers on his right hand and is being stalked by a Spaniard.
Barack IS the spoon.
Nostradamus predicted “the dark man of hope and change will rule the New World for 1000 days before the Mad Persian burns his land with the fire of the sun. Serious negotiations to follow.”
Obama never tips white cab drivers.
Closet cigarette smoker. Inhales frequently.
Thinks about sex to prolong his ability to play baseball.
Last Father’s Day, told his daughters that the tie they gave him was “ugly and stupid. Just like you two!”.
Owns all six seasons of “Sex and the City” on DVD. Dressed as “Samantha” for the movie premier.
Led the crusade to get Firefly canceled.
What have YOU heard about the Obamanator?
Random Thought
Why Does Michelle Hate Whitey?
Well, Rev. Right over at America is an Obamanation has HIS theory of why Michelle Obama hates Whitey, and a it’s fairly plausible one, but it’s not the only theory out there. Let’s explore some alternative explanations:
Lactose intolerant:
Thinks competitive sports damage children’s self-esteem:
Once dated a mechanic who loved his car more than her:
Doesn’t trust fast-talking men:
Musophobic:
All cookbooks are useless to her unless every recipe starts with “take the batteries out of the smoke alarm”:
Reminds her of the Clintons:
Once when Barack was angry, he stuffed her in a tire and rolled her down a hill:
Who DOESN’T hate the Yankees?:
A mall without a shoe store? Blasphemy!:
Why don’t they just call it the “Happy Klan Hat”?:
Causes problems even an overdose of Beano can’t prevent:
Just sick of being kept down by The Man:
Who’s up for some Whitey’s?
President Barry Dunham?
Jim Geraghty has been a big party-pooper by poking holes in the idea that there is a tape out there with Michelle Obama ranting about whitey, but now he’s floating out the idea that there is something embarrassing in Barack Obama’s Hawaii birth certificate. Obama won’t release it to the public, so it seems like he is hiding something. The most plausible of the possible mini scandals is that his birth name is much more vanilla that his name now, making him a bit of poseur.
My guess on what he’s hiding: He was originally born a girl.
UPDATE:
Apparently Kos put out a scan of his birth certification which has nothing interesting on it and thus spoils our fun. Well, phooey.
So why is the Obama campaign communicating through that mentally unstable goober?
Explosive Wuss
Harry Reid is trying to spread the rumor that McCain has an explosive temper, but do you get feeling that the guy is such a little wimp that everything just seems like a scary explosive temper to him? I mean, if you look up “dickless” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Harry Reid right next to it smiling like a goober. I bet if you’re around him and you raise your tone of voice even slightly or make one movement faster than the norm, Reid will wet his pants and scream, “Explosive temper! Don’t hurt me!”
Really, if McCain had an explosive temper, wouldn’t Reid be dead? I’m angry just hearing about him. Being around that slimy weasel should provoke about anyone to a violent outburst.