The Post Turtle

Reader TJ sent in this joke and illustration, and I thought I’d share:
The Post Turtle
An old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle. He wrapped the hand in a bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While stitching him up, the doctor asked what he thought about Barack Obama.
The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a Post Turtle.”
“What’s a Post Turtle?” asked the doctor.
The old man drawled, “Well, sometimes when you’re driving down a country road, you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top. That’s a Post Turtle.”
He looked up and saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued:
“You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down.”

A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 31 – Seeing Clearly

PREVIOUS
Doug didn’t feel the slightest bit of pain, but he was in agony. He thought about struggling to be free, but moving was no help. There was no escaping misery. What was tearing him apart was existence itself.
His ears were ringing, and he realized it was because he was screaming at the tops of his lungs. His throat started to hurt, and at least that was a distraction.
Get a hold of yourself, Doug. People are counting on you. He forced his eyes open. There was machinery around him, humming. They were causing these feelings in him. If I could shut it off and find the cube… He tried to look around, but couldn’t see anything.
No. I’m going about this wrong. It isn’t in this world I’m being hurt in. Doug concentrated best he could and tried to feel the agony more clearly. He needed to find where the pain was.
There were hooks digging into him, tearing him apart from all directions. The assault was so vicious, he couldn’t understand how he could last even a moment of it. All around were jagged things brutally hacking away. He wanted to turn from it, but he forced himself look down at the damage to him.
There wasn’t any. His body was solid and impenetrable, like a rock, and the attacks didn’t even scratch him. It was like fishhooks trying to cut into a piece of steel. There was nothing here he needed to fear.
He now looked beyond it all and saw a massive barrier to which there appeared no end. It was a void and yet it was solid. Nothing could go beyond it. It was the contents of the cube. He knew it. But he didn’t know what he could do with it.
He wasn’t alone. There was another presence there looking at the barrier. The being seemed so powerful, larger than planets, its footsteps like earthquakes. But then Doug looked at himself again. He was massive, solid, and invincible. He took another look at the being and saw he was looking down on it. As big as it was, next to himself it was small, pitiful. It was scared.
Doug was back in the lab. The machinery was off, and he noticed the foul smell of Ronove. “I think that’s enough for today,” Doug heard him say. “Take him back to his cell.”
“Are you sure?” Doug called out. “It seems like you were so close to destroying my soul. Wouldn’t want to quit now.”
The machinery moved away, and Doug could see Ronove standing next to him, staring at him with those black goggles. “The goal today was merely to gather some data so as to understand how to destroy you more fully, human.”
Doug smiled at him. “I saw you. I saw what you really are.”
“Your delusions won’t offer you hope for much longer.” Ronove motioned to the guards. They unstrapped Doug and lifted him up.
“I saw you,” Doug said. “I’m not scared of you. Can you say the same about me?”
Ronove was expressionless as usual, but Doug could feel him laughing. It was a nervous laugh.


“So you’re the Devil?” Lulu sat in the passenger seat next to Stan.
“It’s a simple way of explaining myself, and thus how I described myself to your friend.”
Bryce sat down in the rear with Charlene. He was ready to relax, but he could see in the alertness in Charlene’s eyes that she wasn’t of the same opinion. Bryce looked to their driver. “You’re not really the Devil like in Biblical mythology, though? Right?”
“Let’s just say it is my habit to rebel against the prevailing power over this world.” He put the vehicle on autopilot and turned to face Bryce. “Once it was a single force, now it is the ones you call the Transcendents.”
“Well, thanks for the rescue, buddy.” Lulu slapped him on the back. “I think the Bible had you all wrong. You seem nice.”
He smiled. “It’s my pleasure. As the character you met demonstrated quite well, some of the scarier things in this world still are humans.”
“So why did you do this when you only appeared to Doug in his dreams?” Charlene asked, an accusation seemingly lying underneath her words. “Why not rescue him since you seem to be the cause of his situation?”
His smile faded somewhat, but didn’t disappear. “I don’t think you people hold any position to demand me to explain myself. To make this simple, I’ll help you rescue your friend. I ask nothing of you. I do admit I have my own ulterior motives, but they’re mine and they don’t concern you. Sounds like a fair enough deal, wouldn’t you say?”
“So you’re powerful, like the Trans?” Bryce asked.
“Quite. I know you feel quite powerless next to the likes of Dammon and Loch, but I can keep the playing field more even.”
“Can you get us our three million back?” Bryce doubted it, but he felt he should at least ask.
Stan laughed. “I can make sure you don’t starve. If money is all you desire, though, I can find you path towards that once you free Doug. If I may give a friendly suggestion, though, I think you three should spend some time figuring out what it is in this world you really do want.”
Lulu giggled and threw her arm around Stan. “He’s like an omnipotent guidance counselor. I like him. Let’s make him an honorary member of Hellbender.”
“So are you really powerful?” Charlene demanded. “Can you read our thoughts and such?”
He smiled broadly. “Don’t worry, dear; I’m not going to reveal your deep, dark secrets to everyone.”
Charlene’s face turned white. “I don’t…”
Lulu yanked on Stan’s jacket. “Come on! Tell us the deep dark secrets! But not Bryce’s; those are probably icky.”
“Enough fooling around,” Bryce said. “You might as well tell us what the plan is as once again it doesn’t look like we have much choice in the matter.”
Stan’s face turned quite serious. “I’m not going to let you pretend that. Dammon’s efforts to bankrupt you may have been perfect, but banks are imperfect. Bryce, if you check your finances, you’ll find ten thousand still in one of your accounts.”
Bryce was quick to check that. He scanned the accounts he set up, and there was the money waiting in one of them. “It’s true.”
“It’s not much,” Stan continued, “but enough to keep you three going until you can establish yourselves somewhere else. I can take you three wherever you want, and I guarantee no more ‘huge forces beyond imagination’ will be after you. You will be able to live relatively peaceful lives… as much as they were before all this.”
Charlene still looked at Stan with visible suspicion. “Do you think that’s going to happen?”
He smiled. “No. I think you three have already made up your minds.”
Lulu punched him playfully in the shoulder. “So what’s next, prince of darkness?”
“Ironically, we will be going where ‘Death’ was going to take you — to Loch.”
NEXT

When You’ve Got a Shotgun and a Barrel Full of Fish, What Else CAN You Do?

The Huffington Post is getting a Webby Award, and for no discernably sane reason, all acceptance speeches are limited to 5 words.
Let’s do it:


“Arianna at 57 – facelift much?”
  • Like Kos, without the decency.
  • Iraq! Bush! Warming! Racism! froth.
  • Steaming trough of celebrity crapinions.
  • Obama – black messiah – he’s Blesus!
  • Reading story? HA! Autorefresh now!
  • Comment doubleplusgood or be deleted.
  • Was conservative, now socialist – turncoaterrific!
  • Career over? Come blog here!
  • News? Opinion? What’s the dif?
  • Not “rumor”, just “currently unverified”.
  • Red meat for leftist hyenas.

Pile on in the comments.

Signs Someone Is an Obama Supporter

While there has been a lot of focus what a bad candidate Obama is, I don’t think there has been enough focus on how dumb his supporters are. I mean, McCain is a horrible candidate too, but there aren’t a bunch of people deluded into thinking he craps rainbows and pisses sunshine. It’s well known that McCain craps poo and pisses urine.
So how do we recognize if someone is one of these deluded Obama supporters?
SIGNS SOMEONE IS AN OBAMA SUPPORTER
* Blank stare.
* Unable to communicate complex thoughts.
* Fits of excitement followed by bouts of depression with no noticeable causes.
* Easily distracted by anything that is shiny or new.
* Defines political beliefs with vague, trite phrases.
* Irrational risk taking with finances.
* Submissive urination.
* Stupidity.
* Hates crackers.
If you realize someone is an Obama supporter, make sure to give him or her a new, shiny red ball to play with on election day. The person may be so distracted by the ball, he’ll forget to vote, or become so enamored with the ball that’ll he’ll vote for the ball instead as a write-in.

Ask Dr. Duck: The ANSWERS!!

You asked question, Dr. Duck has answers.
That’s the kind of sweet, caring gentle soul that I am.
People always ask me, “Dr. Duck, what is your greatest weakness?” To which I answer, “I care too much” Strange but true.
So it is with great caring that I take the time to pick and choose the questions that truly matter and take time to give them the consideration they deserve.
Ask Dr. Duck: The Answers.
Dear Dr. Duck,
What the hell?
#1 – Posted by: PaleoMedic

Dear PaleoMedic,
Shut your !@#$ piehole. I’m BACK, get over it
Next question?
So we ask questions? What do you think of Khalid Sheik Mohamed complaining today that the court room sketch artist drew his nose wrong, and that he wanted his picture to look more like the one that was released after his capture?
#2 – Posted by: Marvin

Dear Marvin,
I understand. If they draw the nose wrong people might think he’s Jewish. Because when you’re accused of masterminding an event that killed over 3,000 innocent Americans, the last thing you want is for people to think you’re a Jew.
Dr. Duck? Hmm…doesn’t sound familiar. Are you sure you aren’t just another one of Frank/Harvey’s alter egos?
#3 – Posted by: Andrew

They/We/ I resent that remark.
Dear Dr. Duck,
Will my question help your children?
#5 – Posted by: Master Shake

No, in fact IMAO has a special program where we resell unused bandwidth and donate the money to poor starving orphans and puppies. By asking a question, you used up that valuable extra bandwidth and thus contributed to even more death and starvation. What is WRONG WITH YOU! You think you can just ramble on and on and not have an impact on the world around you? That is very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very wrong.

Continue reading ‘Ask Dr. Duck: The ANSWERS!!’ »

lolterizt! Part 50 – lolbama! Edition

Cruel and tasteless mockery of your favorite Democrat presumptive nominee for your viewing pleasure.
And a note to any stray liberals who want to cry “racism!”… we don’t hate Obama because he’s black – we hate him because he’s a socialist who doesn’t want us to win the war. We’d hate him just as much if he were white and his name were John Kerry.
Anyway, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


dang keeps drifting left.jpg
half white so is hate crime.jpg
i question his.jpg
threesome.jpg
tongue pierce.jpg
typical white camel.jpg
eye flavor.jpg


From Starfox5253:
best buds.jpg
hit that.jpg
From Cowboy Blob:
burritos.jpg
fat stripes.jpg
From DamnCat:

[ref: words] [ref: music]
From AlanABQ:
HLRY PWNED.jpg
Ebony Ivory.JPG


PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

What an Obama Presidency Will Be

Obama has been saying McCain will be Bush’s third term, and McCain has responded by saying Obama will be Carter’s second term. I think that’s a good rebuttal, but maybe there could be more creative analogies for an Obama term.
AN OBAMA PRESIDENCY WILL BE
…another Batman movie by Joel Schumacher.
…the return of New Coke.
…a restaurant that serves nothing but Spam.
…a new album from William Shatner.
…another season of Wings.
…Windows Vista.
…System of a Down getting back together.
…yet another Special Edition of the original Star Wars films.
…circus peanuts.
…an action movie starring Sanjaya.
So, ronin, what do you think an Obama presidency will be?

WEtards Need Our Help!

Still no word on the T-shirt or WEleadership, but the WEtards HAVE asked for suggestions for making their stupid propaganda commercials:

Suggest the next Unlikely Alliance
You may have seen the ads already. Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingrich. Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson. Complete opposites. But there they are, together, on a couch. Addressing climate change brought them together.
Now it’s your turn to come up with the next pairing for the couch. Tell us what famous pairs would motivate the rest of America to put aside differences to solve the climate crisis.
Click here to watch the ads and nominate the next “Unlikely Alliance.”
Think of two people who may be polar opposites, but might agree on the need to solve the climate crisis, like Newt and Nancy or the two Reverends have. Who are the two people who, if they came together on this issue, would stop people in their tracks and make them say, “If they can agree on this, so can the rest of us.” Who are the two politicians, sports stars, actors or business people who, if they joined together, could help us reach millions?
We’ll feature breakthrough suggestions on our site, and invite them to join our campaign. You may even see them on the TV screen!

Glad to help:


  • Jeremiah Wright and David Duke.
  • The Olson twins and unvomited food.
  • Clint Eastwood & Spike Lee
  • Kos & McCain’s teeth.
  • Amy Fisher and Mary Jo Buttafucco.
  • Dan Rather and an IBM Selectric typewriter.
  • Hillary and Monica
  • Mac & PC.
  • John Edwards & a Cost Cutters stylist.
  • Al Gore and hard science.

Any other happy couples?

In My World: Stranger Danger

Barack Obama was alone in the playground playing with some blocks. “Now that that mean lady is gone, I’m gonna be pesident,” he said to himself.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad slowly crept near him. “Hello, little Barry.”
Obama waved at him enthusiastically. “Hi! I’m Barack Obama, and I’ve been in the Senate…” He held up three fingers. “…this many years and now I’m gonna be pesident.”
“I heard!” Mahmoud sat down next to him. “So what are you up to?”
Obama stacked some more blocks. “I’m building a prison for all the mean people who don’t want to pay for universal healthcare and own guns.”
“It looks nice. Anyway, I think we should go somewhere and talk.” Mahmoud pointed to his van parked next the playground.
Obama suddenly became cautious. “My campaign manager said I’m not supposed to talk to dictators.”
“That’s crazy!” Mahmoud said. “I’m the democratically elected president of Iran. Shouldn’t you be able to talk to a leader of a country like me.”
Obama was hesitant. “I dunno.”
“And we both want American out of Iraq… I just work towards that end more actively. Shouldn’t we talk so we can better combine our energies to achieve a goal we both want.”
“Maybe… but my campaign manager told me…”
“And I lost my puppy and need your help finding him,” Mahmoud told him.
“Your puppy! Oh no! Where did you lose him?”
“Israel took him!” Mahmoud narrowed his eyes. “I will wipe them off the map.”
Obama was cautious again. “I really think I’m supposed to stay here.”
“But I have candy!”
“Yay! Candy!” Obama screamed as he scampered off towards Mahmoud’s van.


“This just in: Senator Barack Obama has made a deal with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to cut off all ties with Israel in exchange for five candy bars,” the anchorman said.
“I heard Ahmadinejad tried to only give him only four candy bars,” the anchorwoman commented, “but Obama negotiated him up to five. He is so shrewd. I just love him so much. I want to give myself to him sexually.”
The anchorman nodded. “Me too. I bet he has soft hands. Anyway, John McCain, who I remind you is very old, was quick to condemn Obama’s diplomacy, calling Obama a ‘little whippersnapper’ and told him and all his buddies to stay off his lawn.”
“I guess he doesn’t like black people,” the anchorwoman added.
The anchorman nodded again. “He is a Republican.”

One Key Step to Put Obama Over the Top In November

At HuffPo, Robert Creamer lists “10” key steps for Obama, but it all boils down to one:
LIE
Face it. If Obama told the truth about his platform, he’d get blown out like Mondale in ’84. “I want to raise taxes, regulate our economy into stagnation, and talk to terrorists until they blow us up, after which I would talk to them even more.”
No, he’s gotta put some bright-red, candy-flavored lipstick on the pig of his platform and hope folks’ll believe it’s Miss America.
Here’s the honest, straightforward, no-spin, no-BS version of Robert Creamer’s HuffPo piece:


“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

1). Target States — Spread the Field.
Lie to the people of the Midwest about sharing their values. Hopefully they’ve forgotten about that “bitter, clingy, racist, religious-zealot, gun-nut” comment.
2). Pour unlimited resources into Ohio.
Lie to the people of Ohio so much that Republicans will be FORCED to match your ad spending to point out what a liar you are.
3). Obama should not even think about opting into the system of public financing for the general election.
After you get elected, lie about how imperative campaign finance reform is, despite the fact that you couldn’t have gotten elected with such a system in place.
4). We must devote a mix of resources to persuasion and to mobilization that is appropriate to each state.
Lie to racist blacks, the ignorant young, and frustrated Republicans contemplating the “nuclear option” of voting in Carter 2.0 in 2008 in the hopes of getting a Reagan 2.0 in 2012.
5). Nationally, the campaign must create a mass movement.
Lie to a LOT of people.
6). Democrats must convince skeptical swing voters that Obama is safely on their side.
Lie a LOT to a lot of people.
7). Democrats need to convince swing voters that McCain would usher in a third Bush term — that he’s not the “independent-maverick” he pretends to be.
Lie about McCain actually being a Conservative. Basically just say whatever McCain does.
8) Democrats need to undermine public confidence in McCain’s competency and judgment with respect to the War in Iraq.
Lie about the war. Say things like “Only McCain would be stupid enough to believe that you can defeat terrorists by killing them”. Try to keep a straight face while doing so.
9). We need to drive the contrast between a change candidate with a vision for the future and a candidate steeped in the ways of Washington.
Lie about being a sleazy Washington tool. Honestly, how long does the “steeping” process take? If you’re still an “outsider” after working for the same company for THREE YEARS, you’re probably not very good at what you do. Which tells me that Obama is just a worthless slack-ass who’s not pulling his weight and is basically just stealing his paycheck.
10). Obama must continue to appeal proudly and self-confidently to progressive values.
Lie about the fact that “progressive values” is an oxymoron.


And most of all, lie BIG:

The magnitude of a lie always contains a certain factor of credibility, since the great masses of the people in the very bottom of their hearts tend to be corrupted rather than consciously and purposely evil, and that, therefore, in view of the primitive simplicity of their minds they more easily fall a victim to a big lie than to a little one, since they themselves lie in little things, but would be ashamed of lies that were too big. Such a falsehood will never enter their heads and they will not be able to believe in the possibility of such monstrous effrontery and infamous misrepresentation in others.

Thoughts on Bill Clinton

I knew after Bill Clinton left office that eventually he wouldn’t be looked on very positively by most Americans, but I didn’t expect that to happen so soon. It kinda shows how he never really accomplished anything of lasting importance. I mean, America gained hugely from the Reagan presidency and his effects on this country are still seen today, but the only thing we got from Clinton was lowered standards.
So, in a way, Obama is his heir.