Archive of entries posted on June 2012

Whiner in Chief: Me So Poor Edition

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So Obama is sending out emails and tweeting that “I will be the first president in modern history to be outspent in his re-election campaign.” To which my first reaction was “Have you tried whining about it?”

I hear Obama outspent McCain 3 to 1, but I never complained about that. It’s not like if Obama could afford one more commercial was it going to be enough to convince me to vote for that know-nothing. Of course, there was a lot of enthusiasm behind Obama then as there was no reality to dampen it, but we’ve had three and a half years of seeing what Obama is actually like in charge so it’s no wonder people aren’t as enthusiastic to shower him with money. It’s like a guy came into my house and started punching me in the face and then said, “I’ll punch you in the face some more for $100.” And I’d be like, “No, I’m not giving you money for that.” But if then someone else came up and said, “For $100, I’ll take that guy who was punching you in the face and throw him out on the street and kick him a few times.” I’d be like, “Yeah! Sure! Here’s a $100. And here’s a $50 tip on top of that.” And that’s why Romney is raising so much money; it’s not that people like Romney so much as they really don’t like that guy punching them in the face and they want to see that guy suffer.

So, if Obama doesn’t like getting outspent, he could try not sucking so much so people might consider supporting. But that’s too hard and whining is easy.

Random Thoughts: The Day Before Thursday

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The other ex-presidents keep stealing Jimmy Carter’s Nobel Peace Prize and then play keep away with it.

Can’t we just change all their clocks and replace all their newspapers to make the Supreme Court Justices think today is Thursday?

That one Haddaway song always makes me think of a robot that doesn’t understand what love is getting attacked by a baby.

A funny thing to do Thursday will be to interview the Democrats who lost their seats over Obamacare.

Village Voice Declares IMAO New Poster Child for Intolerance

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Well, Frank had the audacity to imply that Democrats lack the intestinal fortitude to lead a nation of rugged individualists, and now the Village Voice has made it a point to declare that calling Democrats “sissies” is a “fag joke“.

How un-nuanced.

Nobody’s saying Democrats are homosexual men (Barney Frank SAYS he is, but he lies a LOT).

We’re saying that Democrats show the wisdom, courage, logic, and leadership of 8-year-old girls.

Which is completely different.

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UPDATE: Linked by Darth Chipmunk

Democrats Are REALLY Hoping You Don’t See This Denny’s Commercial

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This commercial is pure evil, because not only does it celebrate large quantities of delicious food heavily laden with scrumptious fat and/or sugar that are being sold at unreasonably low prices in a quest for unfair profits, it’s also a shameless, in-so-many-words reminder of why every other country on the planet should be groveling at America’s feet, begging forgiveness for their idiot socialist ways:


[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #56,870)

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UPDATE: Linked by I’m a Man, I’m 41.

UPDATE: Linked by Liberal Whoppers

Top 10 Reasons Obama Claimed Executive Privilege Instead of Releasing the Fast and Furious Documents

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(A Guest-Post by Jimmy [High Praise! He said he couldn’t write funny stuff except in comments, so I challenged him to write a Top 10 List)
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If you’re like me (even though you’re not), you’re probably still wondering just WHY our President would hide behind Executive Privilege in this Fast and Furious mess. Because of my advanced, multi-disciplined years, I have some special, wise, Irish insight into this – plus, Harvey threatened to excommunicate me from the Brotherhood of Moon Nukering Bacon Eaters if I didn’t try! (Edited w/suggestions from Harvey.)

#10: The Occupy Wall Street protesters will stand by his decision!

#9: The only White House copy machine blew-up. When they tried to fix it, it burnt-up, including the original documents.

#8: Hillary Clinton is involved and the order came down from The First Black President.

#7: Our national image is at stake. Releasing the documents would implicate Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton in unnatural acts.

#6: BO peed on them on the Oval Office floor forcing the President to euthanize him on the White House grill. Pee stains need removing.

#5: Too many invasive species who vote were sent up from Mexico in return for weapons. Let’s get our priorities straight, okay?

#4: The White House garden is infested with tics from China and they’re biting the children. Executive Privilege – for the children!

#3: Michelle has a tic bite on her mouth and now would not be a good time.

#2: Eric Holder started crying at a Cabinet meeting and they ran out of tissues. Now the documents are too tear-stained to read.

and the number one reason Obama claimed Executive Privilege is:

#1: He actually WANTS to hear an answer to the question, “What did the President know, and when did he know it?” since he’s also been wondering that since taking office.
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See? I knew he could do it.

Ok, now everybody chime in and make Jimmy feel bad by leaving the obvious ones that he missed in the comments.

Link of the Day: This WILL Give You Nightmares – US Debt Visualized in $100 Bills

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[High Praise! to Travelwise42]

US Debt Visualized in $100 Bills

I’m assuming the chick in the red dress on the $47 million couch is just another media attempt to distract from the economy during an election year.

The image of Lady Liberty craning her neck upwards at the stacks of cash will push Red Dress straight out of your head, though.

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

lolterizt! Part 160

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ANNOUNCEMENT: I’m putting lolterizt! on indefinite hiatus and promoting lolbama! to a weekly feature. Figure we’ve only got a few more months to kick the bozo around, and we might as well kick while the kickin’s good.
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This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit your entries to lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.


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My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Arik:

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From Arik:

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From DamnCat:

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From Travelwise42:

An uncaptioned lolbama! picture for you to play with:

I’m saying DamnCat for his encyclopedic knowledge of Negro spirituals.

What say you?

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot‘s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Wisdom of the Day: Racism Sorkin Petting Hitler

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From Orwell Force:

I can’t believe racism has gotten so out of control in this country that there are actually people that disagree with me politically.

From Josh Weinstein:

Hey, Supreme Court, if I wanted a bunch of opinions dumped on me all at once I’d watch an Aaron Sorkin show.

From lauren ashley bishop:

i wish there was a petting zoo just for fat dogs called heavy petting

From Damien Fahey:

I worry that guys who hold elevator doors open to finish conversations are going to be late for their Worse Than Hitler award ceremonies.

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UPDATE: Linked by Tai-Chi Policy

Straight Line of the Day: Obama Walks Into a Bar

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Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

President Obama walks into a bar…

Feel free to adjust who’s walking into the bar for your own convenience. For example, Hunter of Atomic Monkey Action Squad sent me this:
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Two Obama Czars walk into a bar.

The bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve Obama Czars here!”

The standing ovation and cheers don’t start to wane until after five full minutes, only to immediately resurge after several patrons yell out offers to buy rounds for everyone except the two Czars, who have long since fled. Years later, many people will look back on that night as one of the finest in their lives, and in fact several large families are able to trace their parents’ initial hook-up to that very event.

New Advanced Hole-Making Technology

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Every day we constantly need to put holes in things. Paper, plastics, wild animals — the things needing holes are endless. You could spend your whole day running up to things and putting holes in them. And some things that need holes in them, like criminals, are dangerous to get near. Well, what if I told you that there was a new technology that can not only quickly and easily makes holes in anything but can also do so at a distance? It sounds too good to be true, but it’s not. Let me introduce The Gun™.

It makes holes!

With it’s patented long-distance, hole-punching technology, The Gun™ can make holes in anything you want and at a distance. You can sit comfortably in your chair and put holes in cloth, metal, badgers, and Communists from a safe distance. And it can make any size hole you want such as standard sizes like .45 inches or metric sizes like 9mm.

But what if you need lots of holes in something and you need them all made quickly? Then check out the new semi-automatic The Gun™ which can make holes in rapid succession.

Lots of holes quickly!

But let’s say the thing you need a hole in is very far away such as a hundred yards away or more. I guess you’ll still have to drive over to it to make a hole. Wrong! The Gun™ also has a special extra long distance version. You can make a hole in anything up to a mile away.

Extra long distance hole making action!

So stop running up to things and putting holes in them with a knife like a fool. Buy yourself The Gun™ today and sit back and relax and let The Gun™ do all the hole-making work.

The Gun™: It makes holes!

Simple Green Job Rorschach Test

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[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #302,046)

So… using an excavator to drag some plastic thing around in circles, while a couple guys ride said plastic thing like some sort of weird combination jet-ski & dune-buggy.

This appears to have taken place in Russia, and Russians are crazy, so no explanation necessary beyond that.

BUT…

If this had taken place in America, would this have counted as a green job?

I’m going to say yes, because it involved creating something – specifically, “fun” – using the friction and inertia of naturally-occurring ocean water.

UPDATE: per Jeremy in the comments, these are Poles. I had no idea they were as crazy as Russians.