In a cost-cutting move, the New York Times will be reducing the width of its pages to 12 inches from 13.5 inches. Rumor has it that this is only the first in a planned series of cost-reducing and revenue-enhancing steps the paper plans to take. Other rumored changes include:
- Stock employee break room fridge with generic tofu insted of the expensive name-brand stuff
- Run weekly positive article about the mob to reduce protection money expenses.
- Stop using ink-intensive word “insurgents”, switch to more economical “dudes”.
- Papers will be delivered at no cost by Jehovah’s Witnesses, since they’re stopping by your house anyway.
- More front page naked PeTA protester stories.
- Reporters will now be paid with bags of Purina Journalist Chow.
- Online edition to sell animated “Cheap Viagra! – Click Now!” ads.
- Subtle product placement in headlines, like “Iraq War Miserable Failure, Unlike Pepsi in Latest Taste Test”.
- Start a blog – those things are a gold mine!
- Train handicapped employees’ helper-monkeys to steal office supplies from the Wall Street Journal.
- Ditto for the ones on the typewriters randomly cranking out the editorials.
- Board of Directors must light cigars with 50’s instead of 100’s.
- Study Master Pimp revenue collection techniques for use on paper boys who skim.
- Daily change sweeps of the Times Building lobby couch cushions
Or they could do the sensible thing and just sell the damn rag to Murdoch.
You just know front-page illustrated personal ads are on their way.
naked PETA protesters? like in women that don’t shave their legs and underarms? yea…ok…like I’m totally not interested!
Giving more truth to the saying, “All the news that fits, we print.”
I heard they were giving up ink print and switching
to braille.
In an effort to save money all employees are being let go and the owners are partnering up to offer a print version of what they deem to be the most factual news website.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you the New Onion Times.
Cut editorial staff crack-cocaine budget in half.
Stop the daycare for Pinch and make his mommy start watching him.
Quit supplying the Kool-Aid for America.
Bring their reporters back from Iraq as they can make the stories up from their moms basement just as easily.
Stop advertising on O’Reilly.
When News Breaks, We Fix It.
I forget what show that was from, but it sure applies to the NYT.
murdoch dont want it now that he has the WSJ.
They could try making the paper more absorbent and perhaps two-play. Biodegradable and suitable for septic tanks, as well.
Make that “two-ply” instead of “two-play”.
Two-Play is OK Silicone Valley Jim. It’s also redneck Kleenex.
Really, how quaint. Yeah, we’re still a city of lefty liberal neo-hippy pinko Jew fags, but the fact is Guiliani pretty much crushed The Mob before he even became mayor. But that’s right, he only has 9/11 to run on.
P.S. Besides the make-believe worlds of TV, movies and DFTFs, what the f— has Fred Thompson ever done?
All the young “dudes” carry the news…
Since they print the same crap over and over, instead of typesetting on a daily basis, just set it on Monday and only change the date for the Tuesday thru Sunday edition.
Whoa, can somebody switch BunkerBoy to decaf? Please?
Fred! has held state and national offices, but that’s beside the point: his values coincide with those of “real” conservatives more closely by far than any candidate that has his hat in the ring right now. I would, for instance, rather have Rush Limbaugh in the white house than John McCain, because McCain is on the wrong side of quite a few issues (and Limbaugh, AFAIK, is not), and good policy positions are more important to me than political experience.
When News Breaks, We Fix It.
I forget what show that was from, but it sure applies to the NYT.
“The Daily Show”, a long time ago. I don’t know why they dropped that. It was a great tag line.
If the NYT wants to preserve its progressive credentials, instead of cutting back, they should raise subscription rates and possibly have the rates “means tested.” I’m sure that this is a better approach to solve the problem.
Thanks, Patch.