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I thought you should hear it from me before you hear it the news. Yesterday, the police came to my house to break up a dog quizzing ring I’ve been running, alleging I’ve been cruelly pitting dogs against each other in categories such as math, science, history, and pop culture. They confiscated my Trivial Pursuit cards and said they could take my dog Rowdi away if I ask her any question more academic than, “Who’s a good girl?”
Yes, I do run dog quizzing rings, but I don’t think I should have to apologize for that. Animal rights people say its cruel since dogs aren’t very good at academics and tend to get laughed at a lot in these competitions — especially since we make them wear mortarboards — which they say can hurt canine self-esteem. I say these competitions are great for dogs; it used to be that dogs could get by just herding sheep or scaring away trespassers, but today’s jobs such as leading the blind and searching for explosives takes education. That’s what these quizzing rings do: They prepare today’s dogs for the jobs of tomorrow. Also, it’s so cute when they hit the buzzer with their paws and bark an answer.
Now, I guess I can see why some people might look upon this as abhorrent, but you have to understand that it’s a cultural thing. Putting silly hats on dogs and asking them quiz questions is just something white people do. The whiter we are, the more likely we are to do it. It’s not that I don’t love my dog; it’s just I love her more when she excels academically.
There goes your NFL career, you sick bastard.
I feel for your situation Frank. The ASPCA recently filed an injunction against me for holding Yarn Ball relay races with my cats. They stated that the hardest activity my cats could participate in was the 360 minute windowsill nap event. Either this or my fuzzy Olympians will be removed from the premises and charges of Conspiracy to Commit Adorableness will be filed.
Damned Tree-huggers.
DE – As long as they wear little kittie helmets during competition you should be fine.
That’s nothing. Most of the US Air Force is currently under investigations for training to dogfight.
Mr. J, your efforts in canine academics should be applauded, but your pedagogical design appears atrocious. Perhaps the reason dogs are considered to be unsuccessful at scholastic achievement is merely the bigoted way by which we judge them. After all, dogs are just a product of their environment, and your Trivial Pursuit cards are biased in favor of humans.
If you had developed your tests properly, and included categories such as Hindquarters Sniffing, Hydrant Ownership Detection, and Finding The Ball, you might not now be currently working your way through the criminal justice system.
We need more diversity in education, but we will never achieve it while we insist on teaching from an anthropocentric perspective.
The dog on the left seems quite happy to participate. The one on the right is thinking, “Frank’s an a$$hole. He made me do this.”
[The dog on the left is my dog Rowdi. She’s part Shepherd. She’s smart. -Ed.]
//…they could take my dog Rowdi away if I ask her any question more academic than, “Who’s a good girl?”//
Sounds like APS policy.
Only racists would condemn you, Frank. After all, dog quizzing is merely an ingrained part of “white culture.”
It can get kind of ugly if Ken Jennings dog doesn’t do well. Threats of making the dog drink coffee and watch R rated movies. And that’s terrible. :o)
In defense of Frank J., Dog Quizzing is in fact a sport. Just because it happens behind clossed doors it doesn’t make it any less of a sporting activity.
It’s all humane until the loser has to look at the camera and say, “I am not smarter than a cat.” That hurts.
Perhaps you should organize a Dog Pagent.
The dogs would get an opportunity to answer simple questions about US education and finding things on a map. That should be OK.
But, you would probably also have to put the dogs in swimwear, which Rachel Lucas has demonstrated to not be in the best interest of the dog.
http://www.rachellucas.com/2007/08/is_this_wrong_should_i_not_hav.html
I think the least you can do is apologize to the dogs, Frank.
Reject dog quizzing! And redeem yourself!
Then we can all work to get rid of the cultural scourge of academicism!
Oh, the dogmanity!
Repent and find Dog. You’ll be forgiven.
I just wanna know this: are your dogs snow dogs or sun dogs?
So tell me, how do you train dogs for these events?
For instance, the dogs I know can’t be induced to read because every time they see a newspaper they either get an uncontrollable urge to piddle on the paper or flinch ’cause they think someone is going to roll it up and swat them with it.
I thought dog quizzing had dogs asking questions to humans, and those that can’t answer would be mauled… Or maybe it was just some old videogame.
Are the losers sent to Brown U as punishment?
Enough is Enough,no more dog fighting!!!
I won’t believe your apology until you start writing in the third person and find Jesus.
Quiz questions:
What’s the texture of sandpaper?
What’s that fancy collar that Shakespeare wore?
What structure forms the top of a building?
In weaving, what’s the counterpart to warp?
Who’s the greatest baseball player ever?
What’s the streetname for Rohypnol?
NormanConquest: how could you overlook the obvious:
What is the outside protective layer of a tree?
Forget academics, I’d rather see you promote canine fashion modeling. Enquiring minds want a definitive answer to questions like: Who’s the best girl?
BTW, do your dogs sing? Love to hear a rousing rendition of Ol’ Man River…
This has to be the funniest thing I have read in a month…
“Frank’s an a$$hole, he made me do it.”
Jesus, I laughed myself sick!
I own one of the most stupid dogs on the face of the earth. She couldn’t even get the morter board on, let alone answer any type of question (other than “who wants a piece of turkey cold cut”) She can’t even figure out how to return the frisbee even though she wants to play, for heaven’s sake…