Straight Line of the Day: Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

Posted on May 16, 2013 12:00 pm

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder

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92 Responses to “Straight Line of the Day: Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…”

  1. rodney dill says:

    …was left holdering the bag.

  2. rodney dill says:

    ….but, but, but…. there’s an app for that.

  3. walruskkkch says:

    YGDFT!YLTATSOTE

  4. rodney dill says:

    …removed any doubt as to his limited imagination by calling the program, “Fascist and Spurious.”

  5. Apostic says:

    …mumbled someting incoherent about Libertarian scum, then denied knowing anything about them.

  6. rodney dill says:

    …if it wasn’t for those meddling kids and their dog I never would’ve been caught. (right walruskkkch?)

  7. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …channeled the late John Banner.

    …said “I can’t tell you if it’s secret, d’uh”!

    …denied that the AP were actually journalists so it was ok.

  8. walruskkkch says:

    @rodney dill Scooby-snacks to you!

  9. rodney dill says:

    …said, “Google made me do it.”

  10. Apostic says:

    …replied, “Phone records? Let’s talk about FUN records!”, then tried to change the subject to the President’s Grammy award.

  11. rodney dill says:

    , said, (rolling ball bearings in his hands) “I just had to find who took the last of the strawberries.”

  12. frogmouth says:

    played the race card. Again.

  13. c64wood says:

    Honest… I ran out of gas! I–I had a flat tire! I didn’t have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!

    (hat tip to ‘Joliet’ Jake)

  14. Apostic says:

    …said it was a department wide effort to compile a list of phone sex numbers (at the request of Anthony Weiner).

  15. rodney dill says:

    said, “RACISTS!!!”

  16. rodney dill says:

    @walruskkkch – “rank roo”

  17. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …put all the blame on Mrs. Olsen.

    …denied he was actually the Attorney General.

    …asked the Congressman what his tax status was.

    …claimed he let his dog run the department. [and Obama ate his dog.]

    …curled up into the fetal position and started mumbling something about “racists”.

  18. rodney dill says:

    said, “Go away, or I shall taunt you again!”

  19. c64wood says:

    said, “Next question.”

  20. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “well they were already on double secret probation.”

  21. rodney dill says:

    said, “You screwed up… you trusted us.”

  22. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …look sideways at his questioner and asked, “This stays between us, capice?”

    …said, “I found out two things, they’re babbling idiots and they know all the good phone sex lines.”

  23. Apostic says:

    … said they were needed because AP was going on Double Secret Probation.

  24. rodney dill says:

    said, “Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?… do you like gladiator movies?… been in a turkish prison?…”

    said, “You ever been audited by the IRS.”

    said, “Guess I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue.”

  25. Apostic says:

    ach. GMTA there guys

  26. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said none of the records made it to Mexican Drug Lords so give him a friggin’ break.

  27. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “Shirley you jest?”

  28. c64wood says:

    … replied, “Phone records? What?… Oh, I don’t watch Fox News, so I’m not current with the right-wing propaganda.”

    … answered, “I yield my remaining time to the Deputy Attorney General James Cole.”

  29. rodney dill says:

    said, “I think its time my friends from Chicago paid you a little visit.”

  30. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “So we may have taken some liberties with the Constitutional rights of some of our journalists.” *wink*wink*

  31. rodney dill says:

    @27 – “Im serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”

  32. rodney dill says:

    started reciting Vogon poetry.

  33. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …”They are just journalists, it’s not like they are human beings or anything important.”

    …said, “Hey, they all work for us anyway, so what’s the big Effin’ deal?”

  34. rodney dill says:

    said, “the constitution be more a guideline, than actual rules…. Arrrrrrrr”

  35. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “It’s not as hard to do as you guys make it out to be.”

  36. walruskkkch says:

    @rodney dill Is it talk like a Pirate day again so soon?

  37. rodney dill says:

    …said, “I never wanted to be Attorney General anyway… I always wanted to be…. a LUMBERJACK!”

  38. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “They weren’t as interesting as the House Leadership’s.”

    … said, “They had a good beat and are easy to dance to, I’d give them an 8.”

  39. walruskkkch says:

    @rodney dill Oh no. You didn’t just go Python!

  40. rodney dill says:

    @39 Full Monty

  41. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …quickly crossed his hands and snapped his fingers rendering himself invisible.

  42. walruskkkch says:

    @40 Scary image that. Pass the eye bleach.

  43. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, It was just a jump to the left, to step on the right.”

  44. rodney dill says:

    @36 – Sept 19th. Still a ways off. (On the bright side Syttende Mai is tomorrow)

  45. walruskkkch says:

    Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “The American people have a right to know their AG is not a crook. I am not a crook.”

  46. rodney dill says:

    @43 – consorting with the Riff Raff

  47. Janeane Garofalo says:

    Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder said he wasn’t doing anything wrong,that the phone records were public records,and that he intended to continue to fight for the oppressed and minorities and that the people asking these dumbass questions needed to get a life or accept that they were just slowthinking wingnuts.

  48. walruskkkch says:

    @47 Wow, you got stupid liberal down pat! Keep up the good work.

  49. rodney dill says:

    said, “Take your stinking paws off me, you d**n dirty AP!

  50. rodney dill says:

    @47 – c64wood said it better in #13.

  51. DamnCat says:

    …denied that anyone at AP is actually a journalist.

  52. Bob B says:

    …said “Hey, you journalists do it all the time, just ask Rupert Murdoch.”

    …said “What difference does it make?”

  53. jw says:

    …well, they didn’t care when trashed the 2nd amendment, so i thought “hey, might as well get the 1st, too.”

  54. walruskkkch says:

    @50 Are liberals allowed to swear to god? Ain’t that a violation of their Separation of Church and State dogma?

  55. rodney dill says:

    said, “I wasn’t acting as AG… I’m really only half AG…

    Take it away Eric the Orchestra Leader

    A-one, two, a-one two three four

    Half AG, philosophically,
    Must, ipso facto, be not AG.
    But half AG has got to be
    Vis a vis, its entity. D’you see?

    But can AG be said to be
    Or not to be an entire AG
    When half the AG is not AG
    Due to some recent perjury?

    -singing

    La dee dee, one two three,
    Eric the half AG.
    A B C D E F G,
    Eric the half AG.

    Is this wretched dumb-AG,
    Half-asleep, caught by AP,
    Some freak from a menagerie?
    No! It’s Eric the half AG!

    Fiddle de dum, Fiddle de dee,
    Eric the half AG.
    Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
    Eric the half AG.

    I love this jive, employee-ee,
    bisected incidentally,
    One summer afternoon by AP,
    Loved just like Jay Carney.

    Loved just like Jay Carney,
    Semi-Jay Carney.

    The End”

  56. walruskkkch says:

    @55 You are my God.

  57. Janeane Garofalo says:

    #48
    I have TRUTH down pat!Sad that you have wingnuttry down pat!!Holder is doing a perfectly acceptable job as a part of President Obama’s team and is working hard to advance the agenda of doing the greater good.

  58. rodney dill says:

    @57 – down Pat who?

  59. rodney dill says:

    @Janeane Garofalo – You choose to address Eric Holder’s job performance in a straightline/punchline comment context that would ridicule your point of view, even IF it were absolutely true, toward people that would ridicule your point of view, even IF it were absolutely true, and yet you have the audacity to suggest that we’re slowthinking?….

  60. walruskkkch says:

    @57 Well I have HUMOR down pat, still working on this wingnuttery thing. Who would have thought Orals would be so tough? Holder doing an acceptable job of advancing the greater good? Paging Mr Eichmann, paging Mr. A Eichmann to the white courtesy telephone…

  61. rodney dill says:

    said, “Bueller….. Bueller…. Bueller…”

  62. jw says:

    @47 @57 JG
    go away

  63. walruskkkch says:

    Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “I ain’t got time to read.”

    …said, “If this is a fishing expedition you are gonna need a bigger boat.”

    …said, ” Tell Mikey it was just business.”

    …said, “I’ve got top men on this, TOP MEN.”

    …said, “Frankly my Dear, I don’t give a damn.”

    …said, “I didn’t expect some kind of Spanish Inquisition.”

  64. Harvey says:

    @3 – Quick! Somebody Tap The WalrusPhone Bacon to walruskkkch!

    http://tinyurl.com/YGDFTYLTATSOTE

  65. rodney dill says:

    @64 – It’s just another take on The Walrus and The Carpenter

  66. walruskkkch says:

    I know my phone is tapped, so I answer every call with “F**K Holder”.

  67. a guy named Rob says:

    …replied “well, as you said last Thursday evening at 8:45 pm while sitting in your dining room in your house located at 8244 Stevens lane, Washington, DC, talking to your wife , there really isn’t anything to these accusations”

    …said “PROUS (phone records of unusual sourcing)? I don’t really think they exist.

    …said “those phones weren’t tapped, they were just mostly tapped, which means slightly untapped, which is perfectly legal!”

    …looked at Obama and said “Hello, my name is Eric Holder, you killed my career, prepare to die!” thus ending his eternal search for the 6 faced man

  68. blarg says:

    …subpoenaed phone records for anyone asking the question. Also, they got audited by the IRS (totally unrelated)

  69. a guy named Rob says:

    …explained it was a misunderstanding from a memo he got from Bill Clinton that read “there’s a bunch of them women reporters I’d sure like to tap”

  70. CLIFF says:

    …pleaded the 5th then called his people, The Black Panthers, to escort him the hell out of there.

  71. blarg says:

    …said “what, you think I have any more regard for the first amendment than I do for the second? ”

    …justified the actions by pointing out that the Obama administration can’t have leaks that they didn’t authorize because it makes them look bad

    … blamed Bush

    … blamed the sequester

  72. Drew says:

    …said “now if I told you it wouldn’t be a secret, would it!”

    …assured congress that he checked into it an found it was two lower level employees in Cleveland who did it.

    …tried to get out of it by saying that he thought everybody had MP3’s and Ipods.

  73. James says:

    . . . responded with a recording:

    Please make your selection from the following.

    Press 1 if you are Mexican drug cartel and need more guns
    Press 2 if the IRS is bugging you and you are a liberal group
    Press 3 if you are Darrell Issa and continue waiting till hell freezes over
    Press 4 if you are a member of the Black Panthers and you will be forwarded to my cell phone
    Press 5 if you have something new that we can blame on George Bush

    all other callers please try later when the office is open. Our regular hours will resume on January 20, 2016.

  74. rodney dill says:

    @67 – a guy named Rob

    …said “PROUS (phone records of unusual sourcing)? I don’t really think they exist.

    I think they live in the Wire Swamp.

  75. Bob in Feenicks says:

    …said, “I don’t know anything about it, by the way, don’t forget your wife wants you to pick up the kids at 3:00 and apparently your mother-in-law is visiting next week.”

  76. Dohtimes says:

    …said that was done by his twin brother, Pot.

    …claimed that it was the result of an overzealous condom distributor out to intercept and contain any and all leaks.

    …blamed it all on a low level employee in Cincinnati just trying to keep our whistles germ free.

    …said Black Ops are de rigueur when you are black, especially when disagreeing with that means you are a racist.

    …admitted he suffered from phone envy and was trying to eliminate competition from bigger phones.

  77. JeffersonFan says:

    …if it weren’t for those bloggers doing all this investigating, the press would never know that we swiped their records, bugged their phones, sold their SSNs to hackers, drank all their beer, threw up on their rug, and carried off their best XBox games.

  78. blarg says:

    …said “right about now, I bet you’re wishing you left the president to his golfing and choom smoking instead of asking why he wasn’t “DOING ANYTHING” Mr. claimed-the-kids’-bedroom-as-a-home-office-deduction, aren’t you?

  79. Iowa Jim says:

    . . . shouted “Look! A Tea Party Member!”

    . . . said he hadn’t done anything wrong and promised never to do it again.

    . . . did his world-famous performance of “Minnie the Moocher”

    . . . said, “I didn’t get into any AP classes in school.”

  80. @boston_bubba says:

    told the reporter, “stop with the paranoid questions, Mr. 617-904-7272.”

  81. tanstaafl says:

    said he didn’t know what a phone was.

  82. walruskkkch says:

    Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “Hang on a second, I got Reuters on the phone. In a certain manner of speaking.”

  83. walruskkkch says:

    Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “I don’t know…I don’t know…I don’t know where Ima gonna go when the volcano blows!”

  84. Writer says:

    … I did nothing illegal. I simply “re-issued” some orders I found dated 1973.

  85. rodney dill says:

    said, “It’s above my pay grade.”

  86. RAML says:

    Said was not my yob, man

  87. zzyzx says:

    Said…”Don’t ask me, ask Ma Bell.”

  88. Mark L. says:

    . . . responded, “What’s the difference between a duck?”

  89. rodney dill says:

    “….sure, not problem, I already got that covered.”

    said, “You say that like its a bad thing.”

  90. walruskkkch says:

    Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “Here’s a note from Epstein’s Mother recusing me of all responsibility.”

  91. IMAO » Blog Archive » Eric the Half AG (With Apologies to Monty Python) links:

    [...] [High Praise! to Rodney Dill] [...]

  92. IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged! links:

    [...] Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…” [...]

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