Straight Line of the Day: Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder

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  1. Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …channeled the late John Banner.

    …said “I can’t tell you if it’s secret, d’uh”!

    …denied that the AP were actually journalists so it was ok.

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  2. Honest… I ran out of gas! I–I had a flat tire! I didn’t have enough money for cab fare! My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!

    (hat tip to ‘Joliet’ Jake)

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  3. Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …put all the blame on Mrs. Olsen.

    …denied he was actually the Attorney General.

    …asked the Congressman what his tax status was.

    …claimed he let his dog run the department. [and Obama ate his dog.]

    …curled up into the fetal position and started mumbling something about “racists”.

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  4. Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …look sideways at his questioner and asked, “This stays between us, capice?”

    …said, “I found out two things, they’re babbling idiots and they know all the good phone sex lines.”

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  5. said, “Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?… do you like gladiator movies?… been in a turkish prison?…”

    said, “You ever been audited by the IRS.”

    said, “Guess I picked the wrong week to give up sniffing glue.”

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  6. … replied, “Phone records? What?… Oh, I don’t watch Fox News, so I’m not current with the right-wing propaganda.”

    … answered, “I yield my remaining time to the Deputy Attorney General James Cole.”

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  7. Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “So we may have taken some liberties with the Constitutional rights of some of our journalists.” *wink*wink*

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  8. Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …”They are just journalists, it’s not like they are human beings or anything important.”

    …said, “Hey, they all work for us anyway, so what’s the big Effin’ deal?”

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  9. Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “They weren’t as interesting as the House Leadership’s.”

    … said, “They had a good beat and are easy to dance to, I’d give them an 8.”

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  10. Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “The American people have a right to know their AG is not a crook. I am not a crook.”

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  11. Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder said he wasn’t doing anything wrong,that the phone records were public records,and that he intended to continue to fight for the oppressed and minorities and that the people asking these dumbass questions needed to get a life or accept that they were just slowthinking wingnuts.

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  12. said, “I wasn’t acting as AG… I’m really only half AG…

    Take it away Eric the Orchestra Leader

    A-one, two, a-one two three four

    Half AG, philosophically,
    Must, ipso facto, be not AG.
    But half AG has got to be
    Vis a vis, its entity. D’you see?

    But can AG be said to be
    Or not to be an entire AG
    When half the AG is not AG
    Due to some recent perjury?

    -singing

    La dee dee, one two three,
    Eric the half AG.
    A B C D E F G,
    Eric the half AG.

    Is this wretched dumb-AG,
    Half-asleep, caught by AP,
    Some freak from a menagerie?
    No! It’s Eric the half AG!

    Fiddle de dum, Fiddle de dee,
    Eric the half AG.
    Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
    Eric the half AG.

    I love this jive, employee-ee,
    bisected incidentally,
    One summer afternoon by AP,
    Loved just like Jay Carney.

    Loved just like Jay Carney,
    Semi-Jay Carney.

    The End”

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  13. #48
    I have TRUTH down pat!Sad that you have wingnuttry down pat!!Holder is doing a perfectly acceptable job as a part of President Obama’s team and is working hard to advance the agenda of doing the greater good.

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  14. @Janeane Garofalo – You choose to address Eric Holder’s job performance in a straightline/punchline comment context that would ridicule your point of view, even IF it were absolutely true, toward people that would ridicule your point of view, even IF it were absolutely true, and yet you have the audacity to suggest that we’re slowthinking?….

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  15. @57 Well I have HUMOR down pat, still working on this wingnuttery thing. Who would have thought Orals would be so tough? Holder doing an acceptable job of advancing the greater good? Paging Mr Eichmann, paging Mr. A Eichmann to the white courtesy telephone…

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  16. Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “I ain’t got time to read.”

    …said, “If this is a fishing expedition you are gonna need a bigger boat.”

    …said, ” Tell Mikey it was just business.”

    …said, “I’ve got top men on this, TOP MEN.”

    …said, “Frankly my Dear, I don’t give a damn.”

    …said, “I didn’t expect some kind of Spanish Inquisition.”

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  17. …replied “well, as you said last Thursday evening at 8:45 pm while sitting in your dining room in your house located at 8244 Stevens lane, Washington, DC, talking to your wife , there really isn’t anything to these accusations”

    …said “PROUS (phone records of unusual sourcing)? I don’t really think they exist.

    …said “those phones weren’t tapped, they were just mostly tapped, which means slightly untapped, which is perfectly legal!”

    …looked at Obama and said “Hello, my name is Eric Holder, you killed my career, prepare to die!” thus ending his eternal search for the 6 faced man

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  18. …said “what, you think I have any more regard for the first amendment than I do for the second? ”

    …justified the actions by pointing out that the Obama administration can’t have leaks that they didn’t authorize because it makes them look bad

    … blamed Bush

    … blamed the sequester

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  19. …said “now if I told you it wouldn’t be a secret, would it!”

    …assured congress that he checked into it an found it was two lower level employees in Cleveland who did it.

    …tried to get out of it by saying that he thought everybody had MP3’s and Ipods.

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  20. . . . responded with a recording:

    Please make your selection from the following.

    Press 1 if you are Mexican drug cartel and need more guns
    Press 2 if the IRS is bugging you and you are a liberal group
    Press 3 if you are Darrell Issa and continue waiting till hell freezes over
    Press 4 if you are a member of the Black Panthers and you will be forwarded to my cell phone
    Press 5 if you have something new that we can blame on George Bush

    all other callers please try later when the office is open. Our regular hours will resume on January 20, 2016.

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  21. …said, “I don’t know anything about it, by the way, don’t forget your wife wants you to pick up the kids at 3:00 and apparently your mother-in-law is visiting next week.”

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  22. …said that was done by his twin brother, Pot.

    …claimed that it was the result of an overzealous condom distributor out to intercept and contain any and all leaks.

    …blamed it all on a low level employee in Cincinnati just trying to keep our whistles germ free.

    …said Black Ops are de rigueur when you are black, especially when disagreeing with that means you are a racist.

    …admitted he suffered from phone envy and was trying to eliminate competition from bigger phones.

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  23. …if it weren’t for those bloggers doing all this investigating, the press would never know that we swiped their records, bugged their phones, sold their SSNs to hackers, drank all their beer, threw up on their rug, and carried off their best XBox games.

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  24. …said “right about now, I bet you’re wishing you left the president to his golfing and choom smoking instead of asking why he wasn’t “DOING ANYTHING” Mr. claimed-the-kids’-bedroom-as-a-home-office-deduction, aren’t you?

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  25. . . . shouted “Look! A Tea Party Member!”

    . . . said he hadn’t done anything wrong and promised never to do it again.

    . . . did his world-famous performance of “Minnie the Moocher”

    . . . said, “I didn’t get into any AP classes in school.”

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  26. Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “Hang on a second, I got Reuters on the phone. In a certain manner of speaking.”

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  27. Asked about secretly obtaining phone records on AP journalists, Eric Holder…

    …said, “I don’t know…I don’t know…I don’t know where Ima gonna go when the volcano blows!”

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  28. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » Eric the Half AG (With Apologies to Monty Python)

  29. Pingback: IMAO » Blog Archive » You’ve Been Judged!

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