Paula wants unique and different. not just unique. not just different. she wants that unique performance that’s also different from the others. and that different performance that is also unique. got that?

Randy wants the dawgs to bring it.

Simon wants to hear about your suntan.

IDOLS 01: Patrick Hall. oh good. he’s in touch with his feelings. i hope he feels the song in his soul. 1st line out of his vocal chords has me saying “next please”. so he’s singing “Come to My Window” by Melissa Etheridge. oh good, she was probably singing it to a girl too, so at least they’re on the same page. this is one very forgettable performance. what a beating. it was like the 3rd place guy at the karaoke dive on karaoke roulette night. and not the dive where everyone is drunk and the bikers all sing good. oh my no! did you see all the collagen in his mother’s lips? i don’t like to make fun of people’s appearances, but that’s totally self-inflicted. i know, i’m going to hell for being so mean. not voting for him.

IDOLS 02: David Radford, the crooner from Crystal Lake. maybe he’ll be an eagle-eyed machete enthusiast! “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”. i’m so glad he’s back to his element. ok, but he’s gonna be one of those performers like Constantine who i have to listen to when i’m cooking and can’t see the TV. because he’s crazy to watch. the singing was good, the stage performance was … um … insane. so. i’ll close my eyes, you sing, and we’ll get along. i’m voting for him.

IDOLS 03: Bucky Covington is singing “Simple Man” by Skynnard. i really like the tone of his voice. if we could just get him to shave off that ridiculously thin mustache, it’ll be much better for me. he can keep the soul patch. but he really should wash his hair. or maybe he just needs to dry it, i don’t know. anyway, he’s good enough. not sure if i’ll dial the phone, but i’m hoping he goes forward.

IDOLS 04: Will Makar. the only one left from Texas! here’s some Deep in the Hearta comin’ atcha. wait, did i already send that? “I Want You Back” by the Jackson 5. you hurt my heart. DEAR CONTESTANTS, JUST BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO SING THIS SONG WHEN YOU WERE 8 YEARS OLD DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD SING IT ON NATIONAL TV. REMEMBER YOU ALSO PICKED YOUR BOOGERS AND FLICKED THEM AT THE DOG WHEN YOU WERE 8? anyway, it was way better than i expected considering the song. he looks like Fred Savage (Bobby Brady, Paula? remember, he was the wussy little freckled one?), so i like him… probably won’t dial the phone, but he shouldn’t get kicked off.

IDOLS 05: Sway Penala. the guys are as into their feelings tonight as the women were into their gauchos last night. he’s singing “Reasons” by Earth, Wind, and Fire. and it’s special to him. what kind of falsetto convention did i walk into? holy boogers, Paula is standing up and seal-clapping above her head. that was awful, and Randy and Paula are on crack. so what if he can go high and do vocal acrobatics? would anyone actually want to listen to that? ever? it was like Mariah Carey (obnoxious) on speed. thank you, Simon, for having ears.

IDOLS 06: Chris Daughtry is doing “Wanted Dead or Alive”! sweet! need i say who that’s by? he’s one of the three i’m here for tonight. there he’s working the mic stand like Bo. i think they can’t control it, they have to do it because they’ve sung in bars. and he’s wearing his wedding ring, yay! ok, he’s great, i am so happy he’s here this year. VOTE FOR CHRIS! lol, Ryan. Simon’s going to the happy place.

IDOLS 07: Kevin Covais. he’s 16, and Frank said he would have guessed half that. he’s singing “One Last Cry” by Brian McKnight because Brian is one of his role models. i was thinking that he’d been charged with some crime or other, but i googled and came up with nothing; maybe i was thinking of R. Kelly. know how old i am? this was our class song my senior year in high school. not by my choice, but whatever. we also had teal and burgundy for our class colors… yeah. anyway, he blinks a lot; i don’t know if that’s nerves or Tourette’s. it was decent, but his voice was shaky, and he looked so nervous. i’m voting for him anyway, because he’s been great until now.

i think Paula’s got the alkey in the Coca-Cola cup tonight. she’s standing up an awful lot. i think the standing is to signal her personal bartender that she needs another.

IDOLS 08: Gedeon McKinney. he’s singing “Shout”. ok, i have to say it. he has such a strange look about him. that’s not a bad thing, he just has a very memorable face. i think he reminds me of someone. oh! i know who! can’t think of his name or what he was in, but he was in sitcoms in the ’70s and ’80s and was always antagonizing a main character or something. i actually enjoyed him, i love his shirt, and his smile just grabs you, i don’t care who you are. he smiles so big, and i actually believe he’s a happy guy. Simon and i are gonna have to disagree on the smile thing. his smile bothers Simon? his smile is my favorite part! i’m voting for him just because of the smile. one thing: shave the chocolate smudge – you pull off the mustache as well as Bucky does, which is bad.

IDOLS 09: Elliot Yamin. “If You Really Love Me” by ugh. Stevie Wonder. don’t get me wrong, i love Stevie. DON’T SING STEVIE SONGS ON AMERICAN IDOL. THEY ARE FEEL-GOODIES, NICE PLEASANTRIES, BUT THEY DON’T EVER STRETCH A RANGE OR LEAVE THE LISTENER WITH A LASTING IMPRESSION. ok, i’m done yelling now, sorry. he did a good job vocally, but come on, how do you expect to move people to dial 10 digits for you when you’re singing Stevie Wonder? unless you have the piano too… i’m not feeling it. really, he sang well. but he sang Stevie. did i mention that you shouldn’t sing Stevie? hats off to him, though, for his facial hair. i have nothing to critique about his facial hair.

[number withheld]: Bobby Bennett. if Taylor weren’t singing last, i’d have turned off the show as soon as he said Barry Manilow. seriously, does everyone remember that horrible night from season 3 when everyone had to do Manilow? it was absolute torture. as was Bobby’s performance of “Copacabana”. blurgh (that’s my throw-up sound). i ate meatloaf tonight, and it’s on its way back up. it was yummy the first time, but i’ll not thank you for bringing it back. Paula: druuuuuuuunnnk. the mustache? shave shave shave. i’m thinking he made it to the top 12 so they could have a class clown for the AI5 yearbook, but i’ve got question marks all around my head for this one. how did he get here? moving on…

IDOLS 11:

holy! did you see the end of the 24 preview just now???

anyway. IDOLS 11: Ace Young. so he’s dropped the Brett altogether. spitting image of Kelly Clarkson. he’s singing “Father Figure” by George Michael. i’m laughing my head off, because… welp, not a shocker there. he just made my dog growl. good girl! he does more hair flips and camera stares than Constantine. Paula: i changed my mind, she’s absolutely stoned. out of her gourd. the judges love him. me? i can’t stop laughing at him. he’s like a caricature of himself, and himself is Constantine Maroulis + Kelly Clarkson + Unknown (Seacrest?). eh, he sang fine, but i disagree with Simon. horrible song choice. and please stop having sex with the camera.

IDOLS 12: VOTE FOR TAYLOR! oh wait, i should wait till he sings. finally, an excellent song choice. “Levon”, which he chose because it means something to him. aww crap, another one in touch with his feelings. but anyway, i’ll let it slide because i adore his voice so much. he was excellent, the song choice was great for him, he carried himself well on stage, made me want to grab my husband and slow dance across the livingroom. he just makes me melt. shut up, husband (who just said that he looks about as old as his father), you leave him alone. and his personality, he’s infused with soul vibe. and he’s soooooo weird. yay for Taylor!!!

so here’s how i rank them (i’m voting for the * ones):

Taylor
Chris
David
Bucky
Ace
Elliot
Kevin
Gedeon*
Will
Patrick
Sway
Bobby

so my prediction on who’s leaving tomorrow night: i think Stevie and Heather are gone, though Kinnik is a possibility. and i think Bobby and Patrick are gone.