In response to the monkey assassination in India, Slate wrote an article entitled “How to Fight Monkeys” which my Old Man alerted me too (ends up he found it because his browser automatically opens to MSN; I’m just proud he knows how to open a browser).
The article is a travesty, though. It’s main recommendation in dealing with monkeys is appeasement which should never be done under any circumstances. If they demand food and we give them food, next they’ll demand money, then political power, and finally our blood. It is the duty of every good man to see that a monkey never gets what it wants.
The article later suggests that if appeasement doesn’t work, you can try bopping them on the head. This is closer to my recommendation of how to always deal with monkeys: Bash in their heads. Pretends it’s like whack-a-mole in that as soon as you see a monkey head, you bash it. Hit the monkey heads with whatever object you can find such as a rock, a pipe, or another monkey. If you don’t feel the little monkey skull give way to your first blow, try again with something heavier.
My method is based on scientific evidence, because while a control group of monkeys was aggressive, those with bashed in heads showed no aggression. It’s also a simple method and easy to implement because you can usually find something to bash in a monkey head no matter what situation you find yourself in.
Monkeys can be quick, though, making bashing in their heads hard. An alternative method is to combine Slate’s appeasement method with my bashing in their heads method. You simply act like you’re going to give the monkey food with one hand and then bash its head in with the other.
So, how do you deal with monkeys?
On a happier note, it looks like my educating the public is starting to bear fruit, as now one third of all monkeys are facing extinction. We can’t be ruled by monkeys in a bleak Planet of the Apes future if they’re all dead first.
Electing Fred Thompson is the only answer.
He will expand the DOD Pirate Budget, enabling for a huge fleet modernization program.
With Android Pirates.
Yes, you heard that right.
With our vast fleet of Android pirates, we can topple to assassin monkey movement, annihilate the ninja insurgency, AND keel haul Ted Frompson.
No one else needs to post. I’ve got it on the money.
I bet that Hillary Clinton would use a “Monkey Assassination” if she thought she could get away with it. I bet she was planning some until now, but you’ve foiled her! Kudos!
Spacemonkey might advocate sending all monkeys to space and put under his control, maybe. That would make him very, very dangerous from earth orbit.
Fred Thompson deals with monkeys like hippies. No weapon other than his fist. “One little dogface. One measly little slap. That’s what done it.”
What about spanking?
God bless you, Frank J.
…Oh, if you find that monkeys are in scarce supply in your neighborhood, please feel free to practice your technique on a substitute hippy.
I find that baiting them with a bag of oregano, (before bashing their pea-brained skulls), is as good as a banana.
Clearly the only answer to dealing with the monkey crisis is to cut and run. There’s no reason to risk our young soldiers running the risk of being hit with monkey poo. Better to just surrender. As Harry Reid would say, “The monkeys have won, we have lost.”
Ball-peen hammer.
We can’t be ruled by monkeys in a bleak Planet of the Apes future if they’re all dead first.
Yeah, but given the rate at which the libtards are de-evolving, there will be an endless supply of monkeys. But on the plus side, that’s just more brainless heads to enjoy bashing-in.
Fact: Monkeys blackmailed President Eisenhower into allowing them onto American spacecraft first, to test the feasibility of their geosynchronous, poo-flinging satellites.
Fact: Monkeys forced saccharine pop-rock on an unsuspecting public in the 1960’s. Take a close look at Davey Jones, Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, and especially Mickey Dolenz. You know it’s true.
Fact: Several dozen monkeys, using a couple of turbo-charged Smith-Coronas, wrote the Pentagon Papers in about 90 minutes. They also staged the Watergate break-in. The Democrats suppressed the evidence of banana peels found at the scene.
Fact: Monkeys run underground Ebola factories, and are trying to discover a way to transmit it via aerosol (well, I got that one from Tom Clancy, so it must be true).
Bashing their skulls is a start, but only a start. We need to begin an immediate defoliation program of their habitats, so they can no longer take refuge along the Ho Chimp Minh Trail. Then, we carpet bomb them. Appeasement will only lead to unspeakable horrors, and female monkeys that look a lot like Kim Hunter.
How to deal with monkeys?
1. Select a large caliber.
2. Shoot fast.
3. Shoot accurately.
4. Above all, shoot first!
Problem solved.
I always just set a banana outside and shoot them as they try to approach. It takes about ten bodies to tell them it’s not worth it.
This method also works with hobos and unemployed hippies (an obvius oxymoron).
“We can’t be ruled by monkeys in a bleak Planet of the Apes future if they’re all dead first.”
What is worse, a future where we are ruled by monkeys, or a future where we are ruled by Hillary?
shove a bananna up Monica’s yahoo, and have the Monkey reach in and grab it…he won’t let it go and given the size of our former POTUS…his fist will be STUCK forever and we can grab the little bastard and shoot him. Monica get’s off big time and Clinton is humiliated!!!
Just another reason to kill all the monkeys
http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSN2954500820071029?feedType=RSS&feedName=topNews&rpc=22&sp=true
and you thought the CIA was to blame.
Punish the monkey
Punish the monkey, yeah
Punish the monkey
And let the organ grinder go
where on the food-money-political power-blood spectrum do eyeballs fall?
Good lord, you people are mean!
Monkeys are getting a bad rap. All you “Davey Jones and Micky Dolenz” haters should be ashamed. Are monkeys not God’s creatures too?
I think it’s time we sit down with monkeys and reason with them. Perhaps wearing plastic enviro-suits to minimize the poo flinging damage.
These monkeys deserve our respect if not our admiration for dealing with the society that we’ve built on the backs of other primates. Shameless.
If you cut a monkey, does he not bleed?
Think about it people.