Ronin Profile: No-L

No-L

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s No-L.


What’s the story behind your name? A friend in high school said that I should write my name No-L instead of Noelle. And for some reason it stuck.
Where do you live?I live in the “People’s Republic” of Portland Oregon, where it’s not normal if there are no protests in Pioneer Square blaming Bush for something or other.
How old are you? 26.
Tell us briefly about yourself. I have a bachelor of science degree in theatre arts from Portland State University, I’m getting married on November 4th, I love animals, I love Baja Fresh, I love Brit Pop, I am counting down the minutes until they release Fable 2, and someday, I hope to write a book about Tom Stoppard.
How long have you been reading IMAO? Since 2003 I think. I think I Googled “conservative blogs” and found it. I had checked it out everyday since. It makes my workday so much more pleasant.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? It’s hard to pick a favorite, but the ones that really tickle me are the ones that piss off Monkey Faced Liberal or someone like Laff Riot. They’re just so entertaining when they’re seething with rage!
If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Whimsically, delectably, satisfying.
What’s you favorite political issue? Hmmm, hard one. Probably illegal immigration, or rather, that big hullaballoo over those omnibenevolent undocumented workers.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I don’t. But if I did it would look something like the Friday Cat-blogging only with cockatiels.
How would you introduce the president of Iran if he were giving a speech at your college? I would say:

“Can you believe that we have such a government full of pansies that would let this douche-bag come here and speak as if he had any interest in anything other than jihad? For God’s sake people! This guy probably held Americans hostage when he was a “politically active student” in the late seventies! C’mon! Iran is the number one sponsor of terrorism! Can we skip the speech, taser the bastard and ship him to Gitmo?”

But at the college I attended, it would probably sound more like this:

“Today we introduce a true hero and role model, the democratic frontrunner for the 2008 election, a great intellectual mind, a man who rules with a just hand, a man that can talk truth to Chimpy McHalliburton, a tireless advocate for women, a just crusader against the eeeevil Joooooooooooos, I mean Zionist conspiracy,that warm ball of fluff, the most reverend, sexy as all hell, John Edwards’ first kiss, the democratically elected (if only we could say as much) president Iran (that bastion of freedom), Jedi master Mahmoud……………”


If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you’re still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you’re interesting doesn’t mean we won’t enjoy your story.

Ergonomics

Okay, so I’ve got a pair of ergonomic wrist-wraps that I’m supposed to test for the next week.
If you’re not familiar with ergonomics, it comes from the Greek word for… um… well, two Greek words for… well, two Greek words. And the last thing you want to know is what two Greeks do, okay? Especially when the phrase “Just strap these on and see how it feels” is involved.
This whole wrist-rest thing has something to do with the radio show I’m on most Saturday afternoons. Since it’s a technology show, I’m testing carpal tunnel-preventing gel-filled wrist rests. If it were a cookshow, I’d probably be testing a spatula (“Unhand that purse, thief, or I’ll spatula you such a knock on the head!”).
I type a lot, so when I saw the wrist-rests, I got an avaricious look in my eye.
“Would you like these?” Garf said. (The host’s name is Garf.)
“How much do they cost?” I asked.
“Oh, you can have these. In fact…”
I didn’t hear the rest, because you know how it is with me and getting things for free. With FrankJ, it’s just in Frank’s nature, but for me it’s a religious thing.
Anyway, I’m supposed to keep a diary of how these things feel, so here’s my first impressions:

  • Don’t forget to take them off before going to the bathroom again.
  • I look about as dorkish as I did without the things.
  • When asked, I tell people they’re to keep me from slashing my wrists because life sucks so badly. NOW WHERE’S THE NEW MORRISSEY ALBUM???
  • Unlike Wonder Woman’s wrist-bracers, these don’t stop bullets.
  • The gel does not taste like blueberry jam.
  • Co-workers love to use them to strap me to the chair and roll me down the stairs. Ha ha ha ha. Ouch.
  • My wrists feel great. But my shoulders and elbows feel like Hell.

So there you go. First day with the wrist-rests.
Tomorrow I’m going to see if they can help me float in the pool, then Wednesday I’m going to bake an apple pie without oven mitts.
Ergonomics, man! Ergonomics!

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgJohn Edwards once sued McDonald’s because the Happy Meal they sold him only made him moderately cheerful.

Nuke the Moon — The Movie!

Lately, it seems that asking for unabashedly pro-American movie these days is like asking for the moon. I’m not sure if it’s because Hollywood is a bunch of weirdos who need to be slapped around a bit or unpatriotic capitalists worried about how movies will do overseas (are there any good examples of movies that did well here but bombed internationally?), but I want more “America is awesome!” movies.
Here’s my idea: They should make a Nuke the Moon movie. It would be a movie about the president finally getting fed up that countries don’t fear us and thus applying the principles from my Nuke the Moon essay. I think it would play really well with everyone, because to the unsophisticated it would seem like a parody of America’s warmongering nature, but the sophisticated like us would know it was actually about how insanely awesome America and explosions are.
This is an awesome idea. If you know someone in Hollywood who makes movies, have him give me a call. Or e-mail me; I don’t like getting phone calls.

I Was Thinking…

You know how the Constitution says that you have to be at least twenty-five to be a Representative, thirty to be a Senator, and thirty-five to be President? Well, why in the world did the Founding Fathers feel the need to put that in there? Were they really worried that America was going to elect a twelve-year-old as their leader otherwise?
Stupid Founding Fathers. I guess I’m still just mad at them for not thinking out the Supreme Court better.

This Just Isn’t Fair

Seems they updated some of the questions on the American Citizenship test.
I don’t have a problem with this, myself, but – having looked over some of the questions – I think the new version completely discriminates against stupid people.
For example, here’s a test as completed by an avid reader of Daily Kos


  1. What is the supreme law of the land?
    Markos Moulitsas Zúniga
  2. What does the Constitution do?
    Gets in the way of our good intentions
  3. The idea of self-government is in the first three words of the Constitution. What are these words?
    Kneel before Kos
  4. What do we call the first ten amendments to the Constitution?
    Destroyed by Bush
  5. What is one right or freedom from the First Amendment?
    Free health care
  6. What is freedom of religion?
    You can practice any religion you want as long as it’s not offensive, like Christianity
  7. What is the economic system in the United States?
    Oiling the machinery of commerce with the blood of the working class.
  8. What is the “rule of law”?
    Inconvenient.
  9. Name one branch or part of the government.
    The New York Times Op-Ed page.
  10. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful?
    Cindy Sheehan
  11. Who is in charge of the executive branch?
    A Chimp
  12. Why do some states have more Representatives than other states?
    Racism
  13. If both the President and the Vice President can no longer serve, who becomes President?
    Nancy Pelosi, who – by the way – is totally hot!
  14. What does the President’s Cabinet do?
    Insults our nation’s multicultural heritage by containing too few minorities.
  15. What does the judicial branch do?
    Writes the laws that Congress is too chickens#!t to pass.
  16. What are the two major political parties in the United States?
    The Good Guys and The Baby Eaters
    17.What is the political party of the President now?
    Nazi
  17. What do we show loyalty to when we say the Pledge of Allegiance?
    Oppressive religious patriarchal jingoistic demagoguery
  18. What are two ways that Americans can participate in their democracy?
    Voting and vandalizing Army recruiting centers
  19. What major event happened on September 11, 2001 in the United States?
    America got what it deserved

Now how is that fair?
Little retard never stood a chance.

Withdraw the Troops Now

If President Bush wanted to get some attention in this late part of his last term, he could announce that he’s withdrawn all the troops from Iraq:
“I just want to announce to the American people that today I have ordered all troops withdrawn from Iraq… and into Iran!”
The whole world and the Democrats would freak out. It would be awesome. All the protesters would be like, “No! Send the troops back to Iraq! Get the troops in Iraq!” And President Bush would just laugh and laugh that laugh of his that drives everyone so crazy. He might even hold a press conference just to publicly laugh for an hour.
That wacky Bush.

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Fred Thompson is the only candidate with a realistic plan to destroy the sun.