John Hawkins has another survey of the right wing bloggers. There’s agreement on most issues, but one has a pretty even split.
Archive of entries posted on 18th October 2007
Hopefully They Assign Penn & Teller to the Case
David Copperfield is being investigated by the FBI. I’m very happy to hear that. I once went to once of his shows, and some really weird stuff went down there. At one point he cut himself in two and the bottom part walked on its own. Hopefully the FBI can get to the bottom of this.
Military Suspected of Trying To Recruit Gays
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, although not in John Edwards’s mouth.
Bonus Fact from Silicon Valley Jim:
When John Edwards was in high school, his parents insisted that his date have John home by 10:00, and they’d sit up to make sure that it happened.
Bonus Facts from Casper the Friendly Host:
Elizabeth Edwards had to install a seat belt system in the master bathroom after she found Lil’ Johnny crumpled in a heap in the corner. Apparently, the new bidet shot Silky across the bathroom and into the wall.
After a grueling three hour session with his “campaign advisor”, John Edwards had to ride the bidet for three hours.
MSM: Crushing the Little People
An seventy year old man is forced to kill twice in three weeks to defend himself (the police had been no help in the numerous times he had called them before about robberies). He was clearly within the law both times — as the police said — but of course a local new reporter decides he’s the villain and ambushes and reduces him to tears:
Now, Rebecca Aguilar has been suspended since this first aired, but how in the world did she watch this tape in the first place and not realize how horrible a person she appears to be? SarahK’s theory is her producer hates her and made her run the segment to try and get her suspended.
Hopefully all this publicity will at least convince criminals to stop trying to rob the poor guy.
Divided Supreme Court Awards Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize to Bush
[Author’s note: HuffPo did it, Scrappleface did it, SNL did it, Volokh did it… now it’s my turn]
WASHINGTON (AP) – In yet another disappointing appearance before the highest court in the land, Al Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize was awarded – after a closely-watched 5-4 decision – to President George W. Bush.
Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority, explained that “dropping MOAB’s on splodey-dope ragheads counts for more than blathering your weather-fantasies like some grass-addled tree-hugger who’s only talking because his idiot mouth doesn’t have any Doritos to fill it.”
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The former Vice-President tried desperately – if unsuccessfully – to appear unaffected by his latest legal trip to the woodshed, despite the fact that he’s now 0 for 7 at the big bench. Other recent losses include:
Best Documentary Academy Award – given to “Team America: World Police” because “that 100 minute bore-fest of a tubby has-been strutting in front of a weather map contained infinitely less truth than the simple statement, ‘you are worthress Arec Barrwin‘”.
Current TV – the Emmy-winning multi-media website was given to Rupert Murdoch in the hopes that doing so would “decrease self-indulgent leftist navel-gazing while increasing the variety and availability of purely prurient bikini-oil-wrestling-oriented viewing material.”
The Internet – “Despite the inarguable fact that it was invented by Mr. Gore, it is perfectly clear that he voluntarily surrendered all rights to it in 2004 when he referred to bloggers as ‘digital brownshirts‘. Common interpretation of Godwin’s Law clearly indicates that the first person to make a Hitler reference during an argument automatically loses. In this case, the usage was so gratuitous that the loss must include the entirety of the global system of computerized communications. It is hereby remanded to the possession of right-wing cyberpundits until such time as they forfeit it back to Mr. Gore by referring to Tipper as ‘Goebbels’ for her role in establishing the PMRC’s Parental Advisory stickers.”
Al Gore’s beard – “returned to its rightful owner, Jonathan Frakes.”
The Al & Tipper “Big Kiss” – awarded to Britney, Madonna, and Christina. “It’s only right to take this nauseating publicity stunt and give it into the care of an infinitely hotter nauseating publicity stunt.”
During the Court’s next session, they are widely expected to take away Gore’s current status as “global warming spokesman” and give it to SpongeBob SquarePants for being “more credible with America’s youth, and having a comparatively less retarded-sounding voice.”
Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths
To Be Fair, a Lot of People Base Their Votes on Even Dumber Reasons
Apparently black women are having trouble figuring out whether to vote for the black person or the woman, because they’re both black and women. It’s much easier for black men, because they have a black man to vote for, but black women have to decide which is their more important identity: Being black or being a woman.
Maybe black women will now know what it feels like to be a white male, because identity politics gets us nowhere since all our choices are white men. We actually have to analyze the candidates on the issues, and it sucks. I look forward to a day when a black man, a Hispanic, an Asian, and others are all running together in the Republican primary and then I can carefully look through all the diverse candidates until I find the one white dude and vote for him.