Ronin Profiles Open Casting

It’s time again to round up everyone who wants to participate in Ronin Profiles but haven’t yet. Just comment here, make sure to fill in the e-mail address box (only I get to see that, so don’t worry about spam), and you’ll be in the running. Sorry if you’ve commented in these before and haven’t got picked yet, but stick to it and you’ll have your chance eventually.
Thanks to everyone who has participated.

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgFor John Edwards, something nearby isn’t a “hop, skip & a jump”, it’s a “mince, prance & a flounce”.
Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards does not know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. He always gets emotionally involved and loses count.

In My World: Fire Is Puny

Governor Schwarzenegger stood at the podium for a press conference. “Hello. I am Ah-nuld! Ask your puny questions so I may crush them!”
“Are you satisfied with the government’s reaction to the wild fires?” a reporter asked.
“The fire was puny!” Arnold shouted. “I crushed it! It could not stand against me! I protect Cal-ee-forn-ya! I am Ah-nuld!”

“How do you crush due process?”

“Are you afraid the currently contained fires may bleed out into other areas?” another reporter asked.
“I am afraid of nothing! I am Ah-nuld! And, if it bleeds, we can kill it!”
“Do you think the way evacuations have gone will help you politically?”
“I’m not into politics, I’m into survival! Evacuations went well because I am strong. I went door to door and said to the puny citizens, ‘Come with me if you want to live.’ They do as I say because they are puny and do not want me to crush them and know that I am Ah-nuld. Some were sad to leave, but I assured them, ‘You’ll be bahk!'”
“Do you think the relief to the fire was hindered by much of the National Guard being in Iraq?” a CNN reporter said.
Arnold chuckled. “Your question is funny. I will answer it last.”
“How do you think everything the disaster here has compared to Katrina?” another reporter asked.
“Katrina was puny! It was just wind and water! This involved fire! Fire burns! It is much more deadly! Still, compared to me, it is puny… so I crushed it… since I am Ah-nuld. But I vow one thing: Cal-ee-forn-ya will be a chocolate city once again!” Arnold looked back to the CNN reporter. “You know when I said I’d answer your questions last? I lied. There was plenty of relief workers, and you are just trying to insert politics into this because you are puny. For that, I will crush you! I am Ah-nuld!” Arnold shouted, “Dah!” as he picked up and crushed the reporter.
“You have vowed to hunt down the arsonists responsible for some of these fires,” a reporter said. “What are your exact plans?”
“What is best in life: Crush these enemies, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of the women!”
“What about due process?”
“Due process is puny! I will crush it!”
“How do you crush due process?”
“It simple. I am big and strong. Due process is small and puny… so I crush it! What do you not understand? I am Ah-nuld!”
“Has all of this made you consider an eventual presidential run despite not currently being allowed to be president by the Constitution?”
“The Constitution is puny! If I want to be president, I will be president! I am Ah-nuld! No Constitution will tell me what to do! I will crush it!”
“You’re going to crush the Constitution?”
“It is but a puny piece of paper! I am big and strong! I am Ah-nuld! I will crush it!” Arnold checked his watch. “I have no more time for you puny people. I understand I have probably said too many thing for your puny brains to remember, so I will summarize.” He held up one finger. “Puny.” He held up a second finger. “Crush.” He held up a third finger. “Ah-nuld. Any last questions?”
“Who are you?”
“I AM AH-NULD!”

Expose Yourself to Jeri Thompson

Fred ’08 has a picture of someone showing off his IMAO Fred Thompson shirt to Jeri Thompson (it’s the first picture in the Jeri in Birmingham, AL group). From the back of her head, it looks like she liked it. I guess we’re that much closer to “Kill the terrorists. Protect the border. Punch the hippies.” to being Fred Thompson’s official policy.
If you also want to flash Jeri Thompson, you can buy your own shirt.
UPDATE:
You can find a static version of the picture here, but I think it’s cool IMAO made it onto the official Fred Thompson ’08 site.

How to Fight a Monkey

In response to the monkey assassination in India, Slate wrote an article entitled “How to Fight Monkeys” which my Old Man alerted me too (ends up he found it because his browser automatically opens to MSN; I’m just proud he knows how to open a browser).
The article is a travesty, though. It’s main recommendation in dealing with monkeys is appeasement which should never be done under any circumstances. If they demand food and we give them food, next they’ll demand money, then political power, and finally our blood. It is the duty of every good man to see that a monkey never gets what it wants.
The article later suggests that if appeasement doesn’t work, you can try bopping them on the head. This is closer to my recommendation of how to always deal with monkeys: Bash in their heads. Pretends it’s like whack-a-mole in that as soon as you see a monkey head, you bash it. Hit the monkey heads with whatever object you can find such as a rock, a pipe, or another monkey. If you don’t feel the little monkey skull give way to your first blow, try again with something heavier.
My method is based on scientific evidence, because while a control group of monkeys was aggressive, those with bashed in heads showed no aggression. It’s also a simple method and easy to implement because you can usually find something to bash in a monkey head no matter what situation you find yourself in.
Monkeys can be quick, though, making bashing in their heads hard. An alternative method is to combine Slate’s appeasement method with my bashing in their heads method. You simply act like you’re going to give the monkey food with one hand and then bash its head in with the other.
So, how do you deal with monkeys?
On a happier note, it looks like my educating the public is starting to bear fruit, as now one third of all monkeys are facing extinction. We can’t be ruled by monkeys in a bleak Planet of the Apes future if they’re all dead first.

Horrible Hillary Halloween Caption Contest

Reader Jimmy sent me this horrifying visage:
Halloween Hillary.jpg
After I got done bleaching my retinas and cursing his name, I decided he was right – this photo DOES need a caption.
Winner and four runners-up to be chosen by me, with the winner receiving the usual… High Praise!… and the rest having to settle for mere bragging rights.
If you decide to photoshop it or give it the “lolterizt!” treatment, post the pic at your place and just drop the URL in the comments.
I’ve created a few captions of my own to set the bar, but I’ll put them in the extended entry so as not to completely deflate your creative urge…

Continue reading ‘Horrible Hillary Halloween Caption Contest’ »

Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths

If Hillary Clinton isn’t elected president, she will seek revenge by destroying the world… though probably in a less drawn out and painful way than if she ran it.

IMAO Is Fit to Print

IMAO made the New York Times thanks to this post from Ducky. It was actually the reader comments that get quoted (such as one from K T Cat), so credit goes to all ronin. Of course, being the NYT, they tied our humor into Abu Grahib, but watcha gonna do?
(hat tip to reader Mike T.)

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Fred Thompson owns one gun so awesome that it violates California state firearms law to even look at it.