Governor Schwarzenegger stood at the podium for a press conference. “Hello. I am Ah-nuld! Ask your puny questions so I may crush them!”
“Are you satisfied with the government’s reaction to the wild fires?” a reporter asked.
“The fire was puny!” Arnold shouted. “I crushed it! It could not stand against me! I protect Cal-ee-forn-ya! I am Ah-nuld!”
“Are you afraid the currently contained fires may bleed out into other areas?” another reporter asked.
“I am afraid of nothing! I am Ah-nuld! And, if it bleeds, we can kill it!”
“Do you think the way evacuations have gone will help you politically?”
“I’m not into politics, I’m into survival! Evacuations went well because I am strong. I went door to door and said to the puny citizens, ‘Come with me if you want to live.’ They do as I say because they are puny and do not want me to crush them and know that I am Ah-nuld. Some were sad to leave, but I assured them, ‘You’ll be bahk!'”
“Do you think the relief to the fire was hindered by much of the National Guard being in Iraq?” a CNN reporter said.
Arnold chuckled. “Your question is funny. I will answer it last.”
“How do you think everything the disaster here has compared to Katrina?” another reporter asked.
“Katrina was puny! It was just wind and water! This involved fire! Fire burns! It is much more deadly! Still, compared to me, it is puny… so I crushed it… since I am Ah-nuld. But I vow one thing: Cal-ee-forn-ya will be a chocolate city once again!” Arnold looked back to the CNN reporter. “You know when I said I’d answer your questions last? I lied. There was plenty of relief workers, and you are just trying to insert politics into this because you are puny. For that, I will crush you! I am Ah-nuld!” Arnold shouted, “Dah!” as he picked up and crushed the reporter.
“You have vowed to hunt down the arsonists responsible for some of these fires,” a reporter said. “What are your exact plans?”
“What is best in life: Crush these enemies, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of the women!”
“What about due process?”
“Due process is puny! I will crush it!”
“How do you crush due process?”
“It simple. I am big and strong. Due process is small and puny… so I crush it! What do you not understand? I am Ah-nuld!”
“Has all of this made you consider an eventual presidential run despite not currently being allowed to be president by the Constitution?”
“The Constitution is puny! If I want to be president, I will be president! I am Ah-nuld! No Constitution will tell me what to do! I will crush it!”
“You’re going to crush the Constitution?”
“It is but a puny piece of paper! I am big and strong! I am Ah-nuld! I will crush it!” Arnold checked his watch. “I have no more time for you puny people. I understand I have probably said too many thing for your puny brains to remember, so I will summarize.” He held up one finger. “Puny.” He held up a second finger. “Crush.” He held up a third finger. “Ah-nuld. Any last questions?”
“Who are you?”
“I AM AH-NULD!”
Ah-hahahahaha . . .
This IMW is 10x when you’re reading it in an “Ah-nuld”-esque voice. XD
Grade A stuff.
10x funnier, I mean. :3
I read it that way, too, ochagirl. Frank wrote him perfectly. It made me want to see the non-existent movie, Terminator IV, with him battling the fire and the reporter that tried to pin mistakes on him. And I wonder what he would have said during Bush’s visit?
“I am Hans…”
“Ja, und I am Franz…”
(together) “Ahnd ve are here to PUMP (Kerslap!) YOU UP!”
“He talks like a big pumped-up man, doesn’t he, Franz?”
“Ja, Hans, but it’s only talk. See, he governs like a wimpy little girlie man!”
“Ja, thousands of twerpy little illegal girlie men come into his state and he does not stop them, ja?”
“Jan und vhen ve catch his puny little girlie man amnesty thing, ve vill squash it like the rotten tomato it is, ja?”
(together) “JA!”
Day by Day had a similar item about the Governator.
“The guy’s a machine.”
http://www.daybydaycartoon.com/2007/10/29/#a004351
If you plug the back of your nose and re-read Frank’s article out loud … and work on souding Austrian … you can’t stop! It’s very addictive.
Many conservatives in California consider Arnold to be just another Kennedy, only bigger. When he’s not crushing fires, he’s signing legislation making it illegal to teach school children that heterosexual marriages are normal.
Still, this was funny. Sometimes this other Harvey – Frank is it? – writes damn funny stuff!
I don’t care what you say about Ahnuld…he can kick your ass and I think Fred should pick him as VP! Between the two of them they would tame the Universal Cosmic Planetary Laws of Gravity and Physics and beside these two manly manliest manly men…Hillary will just look butch…
“…manly manliest manly men…”
I’m outta here. Haaaaaaaahahahahahahahahhaah.
Frank, many thanks for this fine piece of work and making my evening. You rock!
What could be better than a new In My World?
Well, since I asked, nothing, that’s what. I’m reading Chronicles for the 4th time now.
What’s the secret to your genius?
Frankj,what about FRED! as in vs.AH-nuld!
Who wins?
Bob
“Get to the choppah! Do it! Do it now!”
“What about due process?” “Due process is puny! I will crush it!” “How do you crush due process?”
Hilarious. Just fricki’n hilarious…