WASHINGTON (AP) – Responding to former President Carter’s accusation that he “knows” that the President used torture on detainees, President Bush responded by saying “Well, DUH!”.
“M’kay, kids, you shouldn’t torture, m’kay, torture is bad.”
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“Of COURSE there was torture,” said Bush, “and not the cute little consensual nipple-clamp games that Jimmy & Rosalynn like to play, either. We’re talking flaying, booting, Iron Maidens, the rack, eyeball-plucking, impaling, industrial plastic shredders, the WORKS!”
Showing unusal candor, the current President described the previously undisclosed information-gathering techniques. “There was this one guy, I think he was named Mohammed – heh, ain’t they all? – who was all ‘my faith in Allah will protect me’. Turns out he got pretty yappy by the time toe number seven came off. Not that he could even hear himself scream by that point, since the ears came off before the toes. Made a necklace with the leftovers.”
“Of course,” Bush continued, “that was strictly for gleaning intelligence. You wouldn’t believe the stuff that was done ‘just for fun’. Beatings, cuttings, rape, disfigurements, acid-splashing, car batteries… made Quentin Tarantino’s wildest movie fantasies look like a romp through Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood of Make-Believe. Pretty wicked stuff. I’ve always thought Carter had a weak stomach, that’s probably why he’s so offended.”
“But even though it seems a little late to be making protests now,” Bush conceded, “I still have to give the man credit for condemning President Hussein’s horrific activities. Better late than never.”
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