WASHINGTON (AP) – Responding to former President Carter’s accusation that he “knows” that the President used torture on detainees, President Bush responded by saying “Well, DUH!”.
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“Of COURSE there was torture,” said Bush, “and not the cute little consensual nipple-clamp games that Jimmy & Rosalynn like to play, either. We’re talking flaying, booting, Iron Maidens, the rack, eyeball-plucking, impaling, industrial plastic shredders, the WORKS!”
Showing unusal candor, the current President described the previously undisclosed information-gathering techniques. “There was this one guy, I think he was named Mohammed – heh, ain’t they all? – who was all ‘my faith in Allah will protect me’. Turns out he got pretty yappy by the time toe number seven came off. Not that he could even hear himself scream by that point, since the ears came off before the toes. Made a necklace with the leftovers.”
“Of course,” Bush continued, “that was strictly for gleaning intelligence. You wouldn’t believe the stuff that was done ‘just for fun’. Beatings, cuttings, rape, disfigurements, acid-splashing, car batteries… made Quentin Tarantino’s wildest movie fantasies look like a romp through Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood of Make-Believe. Pretty wicked stuff. I’ve always thought Carter had a weak stomach, that’s probably why he’s so offended.”
“But even though it seems a little late to be making protests now,” Bush conceded, “I still have to give the man credit for condemning President Hussein’s horrific activities. Better late than never.”
Ol’ Jimmuh needs to go back to swinging hammers for Habitat.
Methinks Jimmuh had waaaayyy too many Billy Beers. The more he talks the more I’m sure his brother would have been a better president.
//Not that he could even hear himself scream by that point, since the ears came off before the toes. //
NO! NO! NO! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE THE EARS, so that EVERY scream of a frightened child, every woman that gasps “MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING!” will resonant in their PERFECT ears.
GEEEEEZ, guess Dubya never read a fairy tale. Bet John Edwards would have known this.
I will never be able to look at Mr. Mackey again without seeing Carter. Thanks, Harvey.
+1 for the Princess Bride reference.
But seriously… people still listen to what this guy has to say? He is like the old man always complaining about the cafeteria food in the retirement home.
After speaking out against Bush’s torture campaign, Jimmy turned to Rosalynn and said, “God, your ugly.” Then he kicked his dog and yelled, “Where’s that stupid daughter of yours?”
Why is that all the former democrat presidents & vice presidents feel like they need to work against American interests? Is it because their administrations went down in history as miserable failures, and they blame the American people for it? It’s not our fault that they’re idiots.
Look at it; it’s only the democrats who do this. Bush sr. doesn’t act like that. Neither does Dan Quayle. Reagan & Ford didn’t act like that. But Clinton, Carter, and Gore can’t seem to stop.
CARTER SHOULD KNOW—HE IS AN EXPERT ON TORTURE. HE TORTURED ME FROM MID-JANUARY 1977 TO MID-JANUARY 1981. GAS LINES, INTEREST RATES IN THE 20% RANGE, STUPID SPEECHES ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER’S VIEWS. IT WAS TERRIBLE.
THANK GOODNESS I KNEW REAGAN WAS COMING AFTER THE 1980 ELECTION. IN OCTOBER 1980 I WAS CLOSE TO CONFESSING THAT I KIDNAPPED THE LINDBERGH BABY, FIRED SHOTS FROM THE GRASSY KNOLL AND INVENTED DISCO.
You could be forgiven for doing those things, but the disco infraction is punishable by immolation.
Johnson started it,(put social security where they could spend it)Carter gave away the Panama canal. Clinton okayed giving away our country by approval of NAFTA,thereby in those instances, taking away the peoples right to a sovreign Nation. vote for those Democratic idiots,
NO WAY!
jperry
Alan, I recommend defenestration then immolation. That way they’ll be set alight on the outside AND inside.
Come to think of it, that’s what should be done to Carter.
fishlaw –
I see someone else remembers the Carter administration.
I always enjoy discussions with younger co-workers who think Carter is some kind of elder statesman. They have no recollection of how bad things were when he was president.
We have an obligation to educate the younger generations about the true nature of this seditious assclown – the worst president of the last 50 years, perhaps of the entire 20th century.
Jimmy Carter is a peanut eatin’ retard. Him condeming this administration’s forign policy is kinda like Michael Vick being a door greeter at Petco….. For some reason I think he’s full of shit and just doing it for some kind of personal self-righteousness.
The worthless socialist bast*** traitor tortured me, too. I wanted to buy a house back then but VA rates were 16.5%. Thank God for Reagan! After he got the economic ball rolling I got my starter home at 11% owner finance.
Can we cut Jimmy’s toes off and blame it on Israel? That’s who he thinks is the great satan anyway.
fishlaw, it’s about time somebody admitted to disco. I’ll try not to hold that against you, but there are millions out there from whom you might wish to hide. Especially those who still own leisure suits and huge medallions…
Jimmy Carter, now, this is the same man who told the country that it was in kind of a depressive slump, so if everything looked bad, it’s because it was? Rumor has it he was considering asking every third American to commit suicide in order to lift the national malaise. Isn’t this the same guy who sold the Shah down the river, and was then stunned when Ahmadinejad and buddies commited what could have arguably been interpreted as an act of war, when they invaded U.S. soil? It’s not that the Savak were a bunch of angels, but wouldn’t we have fewer problems today if they were still around?
Anyway, Jimmy Carter, after all things considered, ranks right up there as one of the MOST forgetable presidents in history.
Why is it that the Demtards are so bent out of shape about our interrogation methods? We use sleep depravation and waterboarding. Granted, both are intollerably unpleasant, which is why they work, but neither one does any actual damage! Give the f***er a towel and a nap, and he’s fine! It’s not like we’re using genital mutilation or finger amputation, like our enemies. Even smacking them around could be justified in my opinion, considering the lives that could be saved with such important information. Getting caned is supposed to be amazingly painful, but if done right causes no permanent damage. Or what about one of those high-frequency microwave things that makes your skin feel like it’s on fire without actually burning you? If it’s good enough for SWAT riot control, then it’s good enough for terrorists.
And why are they so upset about those guys who were humiliated with dog collars and stuff? Since when do these pieces of scum deserve anything resembling dignity?
Poor poor jimmy, just doesn’t know what is going on in life. we are at war and we need to do whatever it takes to win. Poor Poor nut famer.
Hey, If he is a nut farmer, can we blame him for growing Ron Paul?
Frankly, water boarding vs. waiting on long gas lines for hours on end for no reason at all due to an inept President, gas lines win for more torturous every time.
Questions about growing peanuts = ask Jimmy
Questions about being President = not Jimmy’s strongpoint
I just don’t understand why we are compelled by the “international community” in general & the liberal idiot politicians here specifically to be soft on people who would never think twice about using the cruelest torture techniques imaginable on their captives.
It doesn’t make any sense. We are expected to follow all these supposed rules of engagement and treaty protocols that no one who is currently detained by the US would even give recognition to on the battlefield. Expecting us to follow the same guidelines that our enemies piss all over is offensive.
*A detainee is deprived of his preferred meal- Oh No! You mean he gets fed better now than he ever was in the Mid-East, but because he didn’t get what he ordered amounts to torture. News Flash: Gitmo isn’t Burger King… oh, the horror!
*A detainee doesn’t have his “kill the non-muslim” study guide, and how we’re committing a human rights violation. Never mind that the same study guide encourages atrocities against all us non-muslims until the end, no matter who is killed; women raped, children slain, men tortured to death in front of their families, markets & children’s’ schools bombed without warning… whatever. It’s all in the name of allah, so it’s OK!
*A detain… oh, forget that PC term; an enemy combatant/terrorist/ muslim extremist gets some water on his face during questioning & that’s apparently worse than being forced to denounce your country & religion for the glory of allah-lala-ding-dong just before being brutalized & murdered.
And through it all, Che-me Karter wants to bring attention to them. Never mind who they killed, or were trying to kill, or why. It’s all about treating them like they’re really ill-received diplomats & how were so terribly unjust toward them.
What a joke.
AlanABQ, tell us how you really feel!
Speaking of consensual nipple-clamp games, for years there have been rumors going about saying that Rosalynn preferred the, ah, “company” of her State Trooper escort to Jimmah.