Ronin Profile: GrannyBoo

GrannyBoo

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s GrannyBoo.


What’s the story behind your name? My given name was a mouthful for my nephews. The first one called me Biffer (which I liked), the second one called me Boo (which stuck). Now that I’m a (step) granny it continues. If I had had children of my own I would be Mommie Dearest. It crossed my mind to require the grandbabies to call me Grandmother Dearest but I guess I’m wimping out in my senescence. I tried to get the stepson and -daughter to call me StepMonster Dearest but they laughed at me. Does this mean I’m not as intimidating as I like to think I am?
Where do you live? (city, state) No city, thankyouverymuch. Rural Greene county, Indiana, aka God’s Country. About 35 miles SW of that oozing cesspool of liberal political correctness that is Bloomington, home of I.U. If we have to go there I fantasize about tipping over all the Mini Coopers with “Defeat Bush Again” and Darwin fish bumper stickers. Someday I’ll do it. Will IMAO readers collect money for my bail?
How old are you? Old enough to know better/Younger than springtime, depending on my mood. Born during the Eisenhower administration, on the first day that Armistice Day was called Veterans’ Day. (Quick! Everyone to wikipedia! But open a new tab so you can keep IMAO up.)
Tell us briefly about yourself. I used to have a sweatshirt which read: “Christian, American, Heterosexual, Pro-life, Right-wing Conservative. Any questions?” That about sums it up, except for the outdoors woman part. Hunt, fish, hike, water ski, garden, just generally play outdoors. Also, let sarahk know that I am a migraineur and so I understand her trials. (In fact I have one today. I’d be funnier if I could see out of my right eye and wasn’t so nauseated.)
How long have you been reading IMAO? Since the first Frank Facts About Fred Thompson. I followed a link from somewhere– maybe The Corner? I liked it so well I immediately dropped a bookmark into my toolbar. (High praise indeed. Not just everybody makes that slot.)
What’s your favorite IMAO post? lolterizt, IMAO Condensed, the Daily Fred Facts, Edwards Fabulous Facts and the new Hillary Terrible Truths. Actually, it’s all good. That’s how you made the toolbar.
If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Snarky, snarkier, snarkiest
What’s your favorite political issue? My heart belongs to state’s rights and limited government. Also protecting my right to own several firearms and go into the woods with a compound bow to shoot Bambi, Thumper, and other tasty woodland creatures.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I am the web servant (I maintain the website) for my church, but I don’t even have a current essay up right now. Since its a church website I only write about spiritual issues there, anyway. Can’t get political or the IRS will come take Pastor away.
What’s your third favorite color? What a girlie, wussy bonus question! I was hoping for “what would you do with x superpower” or “whom should we nuke next”. Oh well. Okay– probably Mossy Oak Shadowgrass. Obsession is my favorite, but most of my stuff is in Break Up. The grey in the bark really brings out my hair….


If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you’re still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you’re interesting doesn’t mean we won’t enjoy your story.

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgEvery night, the Edwards household reverberates with the screams of yet another “Maybelline vs. Cover Girl” argument.
Bonus Facts from Jim:
If you don’t count high heels, John Edwards actually has a few more pairs of shoes than his wife Elizabeth.
If you do count them, he beats her by a mile.
Believing he was home alone, John Edwards was startled when he walked into his bedroom and found Elizabeth sitting on the bed.
“John,” she said, “I want you to do something for me.”
“What is it?” he asked.
“Take off my blouse.”
He slowly unbuttoned the garment and the white silk floated to the floor.
“Now,” she continued, “pull off my shoes and skirt.”
John quickly complied. With a nervous quiver in his voice he asked, “Uhm, anything else?”
“Yes,” she said in a quiet but determined voice. “I want you to remove my panties and bra…I supoooose the garters could stay???”
The lingerie was soon tossed on the foot of the bed. She looked him straight in the eye and in a business like voice said, “John, there’s one final thing I want.”
“What dear?”
“I want you to stop wearing my clothes! You keep stretching them out!”

If We Just Do the Opposite, We Should Be Fine

Commie peacenik wackos – the Oxford Research Group by name, “a British think-tank” according to Al Reuters – released a report saying that fighting terrorists only makes them stronger. Sorta like Jedis, except without laser swords or posh British accents.

They recommend the withdrawl of all foreign troops and the utilization of extensive diplomacy.

Guess they’re not Jedis, since there’s no mention of creating a clone army.

They describe invading Iraq as a “disastrous mistake” because it created a “most valued jihadist combat training zone”. I guess I can’t argue with that. I mean, Al Qaeda gets to save a fortune on bullets while still providing extensive live-fire training exercises. Sure the attrition rate is a bit… elevated… over traditional teaching methods, but the bullet-money saved can be used to print extra recruiting posters with slogans like “Outtrained, Outnumbered, Outgunned – OUTSTANDING!” and “The Few, The Proud, The Cannonfodder”.

Now, the ORGies say that if we were to remove the valuable resource of a place for terrorists to be blasted into their component molecules by American munitions, the war would be over in 10 years. However, they warn, if we keep killing the crap out of the terrorists until they run out of stupid/gullible/brainwashed volunteers, the war could take decades.

Although I think they have their timelines reversed, I notice the conclusion is the same. No matter how long it takes, the terrorists will eventually lose. No surprise there. Hell, we spent 45 years toying with the Commies until we got bored & had Ronald Reagan destroy them by spending trillions of dollars pretending to build space lasers.

I think the same strategy would work again. Tell the jihadists we’re building a interdimensional photon destructo-ray or something that’s capable of killing Allah. Then pretend to fire it off (the Wachowski Bros. can fake some special effects) while simultaneously detonating a nuke over Mecca. “Hey, guys, looks like your ‘god’ didn’t have the power to save you. We must’ve killed him with our multi-phasic transgromifier.”

Lacking a supreme deity, they’ll be forced to convert to a less pinheadedly suicidal religion, like Christianity or Thompsonism.

And yes, I know Thompsonists are also prone to sudden fits of murderous violence, but it’s usually aimed at things that need killing anyway, like foreigners, or that miserable global-warming bastard, the sun.

So, even though ORG doesn’t know dippity-squee about military strategy, they appear to have exercised their stopped-clock privilege by unintentionally getting this one right:

America’s victory over the terrorists is inevitable. The only question is how long we get to enjoy killing them before they give up.

Frank Suggestions for Energizing the Republican Base

The Republican base still isn’t energized for the 2008 elections, so I thought I’d be helpful and throw out some ideas to the Republican leadership to get their base pumped and ready:
* Just because there are people standing next to each other while speaking doesn’t mean there’s a debate. Use new debate rules where the winner is the first to draw blood.
* In preparation for a national consumption tax, turn the IRS headquarters into a giant bonfire.
* Tell everyone there is a gold coin surgically hidden in a terrorists skull in America. First person to crack open the right terrorist’s head and find the coin wins one million dollars.
* Kidnap the leaders of Mexico and force them to dance for America’s amusement.
* Leave Harry Reid beaten unconscious in an alley with a “Vote Republican” sign hanging from his neck.
* Give people a more active way to support the troops, such as overturning and setting on fire the cars of liberal college professors.
* Paint the White House red. Announce it now has its “war paint” on.
* If Democrats bring up annoying or useless bills, do tase them, bro.
* Wear power ties.

Hillary Clinton Terrible Truths

Hilery-cleenton is an old Native American phrase meaning “giant-thighed baby-eater.”

IMAO Exclusive: Jew Blender Loose in Iraq

Just when you thought there was nothing worse than a puppy blender, look what a reader found while in Iraq:


“If we drink the joooos, we’ll get their power!”

That’s right: An Iraqi is converting Jews into a citrus flavored beverage. Anyone who thinks things are improving in Iraq, explain the joos box to me!
(thanks to LCpl Tucker for the photo)

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Scratching Fred Thompson’s car is classified as an extinction-level event.