Most people think if there is intelligent life out there that’s learned to space travel, it will be nice like we are and want to be our friends and touch us with light-up fingers. Science! says otherwise. According to Science!, any other life out there most likely wants to destroy us for our resources like oil and gold and nacho cheese. That’s because according to evolution, it’s predators that get all the intelligence. And you know what predators do? That’s right: Predatate!
So why don’t we have space lasers yet? Space lasers, of course, are lasers in space. They are useful for all sorts of things involving space and lasers. Now, I was thinking they’d be fun for shooting terrorist because if a terrorists is just standing there and suddenly — out of nowhere — gets shot by a laser from space, that’s pretty funny. But what about aliens? Now, where do aliens come from? That’s right: Space! And Mexico — but not in the context we’re talking about right now. And what would be good for shooting things in space? That’s right: A space laser as it’s already in space and is a laser!
So one day, aliens will come by and broadcast to us, “We come in peace. We wish to–” And we’ll be like, “You won’t get our gold, alien space predators! Initiate laser death!” And then Pew! Pew! Pew! Our space lasers destroy all the alien ships. And Science! saves the day once again.
The better question is, when will their war/mining ships be arriving?
“So one day, aliens will come by and broadcast to us, “We come in peace. We wish to–” And we’ll be like, “You won’t get our gold, alien space predators! Initiate laser death!” And then Pew! Pew! Pew! Our space lasers destroy all the alien ships. And Science! saves the day once again.”
Pew! Pew! Pew! Now that’s a cool laser shot sound effect. It’s cooler than the time honored “Budda-Budda-Budda” sound effect in comics for machine guns!
However, given the fact we don’t have any space based lasers or even space based laser “tootin” dinosaurs, the aliens will just take our gold and oil and laugh at out pathetic attempts to stop them. Especially the Pew! Pew! Pew! sound effect our non-existent space lasers make.
Our space lasers won’t destroy them – just dazzle them. They’re faaaaaaaabulous! And fierce!
Don’t you read your own posts, Frank? http://www.imao.us/index.php/2011/01/the-future-will-be-now-soon/
I have an idea. After we modernize the Iowa class battleships once again, we could take all of the money Obama says we have in thin air and use it to especially modernize one of the four battleships and turn it into a space battleship. There will, of course, be some inter-service feuding between the Air Force and Navy so we will have to run a mixed crew. I see few other issues.
I think we already have space lasers. I don’t think we told the Obama administration about them.
Since the time Gore was VP it has been the VEEP’s job to be in charge of watching space. ( Gore insisted- He wanted something to do.) When the job rolled over to Chaney he weaponized it.
During the transition to Obama, it was a unanimous decision not to tell Joe Biden about the lasers.
“Less QQ, more Pew Pew!” – 2012 GOP slogan? Yes!!
(For those who don’t understand, QQ is a symbol for crying eyes on teh internets.)
Are space aliens out to destroy us? Well, as a matter of fact, they are. Liberal’s “alien” thought processes, in relation to reality, do indeed emminate from a “spaced out” condition, usually created by the heavy usage of drugs. Their intent is to destroy America, as is easily observed in their actions.
Continual face punching seems to be the only way to eventually snap them out of “space” and allow some reality to seep in.
Hence, we keep hippie face punching until something resembling common sense, or at least recognition of what the real world is begins to appear. This is likely to be a years, maybe even decades long process, so we need to be in it for the long haul.
You know, I’d be happy if we just had lasers in Mexico.
Must I be the first to say it: Racist! First Hawking, then this guy tries to drum up fear against peace loving aliens. What we need is a reprise of My Favorite Martian to give people a deeper understanding of space alien culture.
By the way, this article, except for its length, could have easily come from the Weekly World News. I exaggerate not a bit.
I hope our space lasers do something much more shock and awe like the totally ghey “pew, pew, pew”… Alien invaders would wet themselves laughing at “pew, pew, pew” and would then unleash true shock and awe, like BOOM and Super BOOM, and KABOOM, and Super KABOOM!!!
And by the way, how come FrankJ has to insert himself into every news item? Space aliens come up, and there is FrankJ and it’s all about him! If we do get blasted to kingdom come, it will be because of inflamed rhetoric about space aliens on sites like this!
I’m looking at History? instead of Science! on this one. What if the space aliens are looking for a faster space route to space India for the space spice trade, and they accidentally discover our planet? They may not want to rape our lands for our gold, initially. But then we start seeing space aliens seeking religious space freedom and colonizing Canada. Then, wouldn’t you know it, the space Spaniards show up looking for the fountain of space youth, and stealing our gold and selling space slaves and what-not. Then we’d better just watch out for those blankets filled with space-smallpox! See you at the casino, Kemosabe!
Quite right, Burmashave. This prejudice against undocumented space citizens is really beneath America. And why shouldn’t they take our oil? It’s not like we’re doing anything with it.
Are space aliens out to destroy us? This sounds like the plot of a book by L. Ron Hubbard that I read many years ago called Battlefield Earth. Basically the aliens were like the Spanish Conquistadores of outer space and the people of earth were the Aztecs. Even though the story had a lot of promise…it sucked. Some years later a movie was made from the book starring John Travolta…it sucked too.
One problem with space lasers. They don’t make any sound. This is for two reasons. One lasers rarely have any moving parts, and so are pretty quiet to begin with, and two, they are in space, and space is a vacuum. Sound can not move through a vacuum. This is obviously a problem, as things that are not loud are gay, example the Prius. We need to find a way to feel our solar system with an artificial atmosphere, to allow for sound waves to travel. Plus, this will also serve to make space travel way more safer. It is the only practical solution.
The earth is out to get us, who are you kidding. We don’t have to worry about aliens, we’ll be dead long before they get here. All they have to do is wait for a couple of centuries and Gaia and her henchmen the radicals will have killed us all off.
In space, nobody can fear you scream. They can’t hear your gay lasers either.
Just in case – How to survive an Alien attack.
It’s a cookbook!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coldguy, for future reference, History. always comes with a period rather than a question mark. History. doesn’t take crap from nobody – it’s period is final. History. knows all of the other subjects fall under its dominion.
It certainly doesn’t need the arrogant conceit of Science!
Perhaps this is the reason you never see James Carville standing near a space laser…aliens hate space lasers.
If space aliens actually like nacho cheese, it just goes to show that they’re not nearly as smart as some people would have us believe.
I think it has already been proven that if aliens come to earth, they will not say “we come in peace”. They will say “all your base are belong to us”.
it’s settled science. why are we even talking about this?