Today starts the new Republican majority in the House. I thought I’d give them some advice to help start them out. Hopefully they’ll listen, or they can ignore me and suck.
* Try to start out dramatically, such as smashing through the wall of the capitol building in a tank and jumping out and beating up all the Democrats. That would really set the tone.
* Never look directly at Nancy Pelosi. Instead, try to look at her reflection in your shield or something.
* Some people will act like they’re your friends and tell you how great it would be to spend lots of taxpayer money. These people are not your friends; set them on fire.
* Don’t use the community refrigerator. It doesn’t matter how clearly you label your lunch — Charlie Rangel will still eat it.
* There are rules making it illegal to punch Democrat congressmen in the face despite how legislatively helpful that would be. Just pretend you’re really clumsy with a fist bump.
* It will be enough for a while just blocking all the stupid things Obama wants to do, but eventually you’ll need to propose new legislation to inspire the American public like finally developing giant robots for our military. I mean, it’s 2011; shouldn’t war be dominated by giant robots by now?
* If you see something unconstitutional going on in Congress, sound an air horn and point at who’s perpetrating it while shouting, “Unconstitutional!” Eventually someone will come by and handle it.
* Instead of investigating individual Democrats for corruption, just pass legislation to send all Democrat congressmen to jail. How innocent could any of them be?
* If not sure what to do, try to think of the Founding Fathers and do what they would do. For that, it helps to have a musket handy.
What’s your advice for the incoming GOP?
I have two suggestions that may be helpful…..
First, keep some sharp sticks handy. Some of the dems have hard heads and punching them in the face may break the bones in your hand. Poking them with the sharp sticks is almost as satisfying and keeps any cooties from being transferred to your hand.
Second, tell them there are some rich people with money that needs taxing in the corner of the Rotunda Building. (get it, in the corner of the round building……. ok it sounded better in my head)
Put a giant glass-front paper shredder next to the Speaker’s Rostrum in the House Chamber. Any bills submitted that raise taxes or increase regulation get chucked into the shredder. The American people will then be able to see what a good job Republicans are doing by the growing pile of shredded bills.
All Republicans should read “The Zombie Survival Guide” and imaging that the Libtards are zombies. Instead of human flesh, they’re trying to eat our wallets. Repulse them the same way you would real zombies.
Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to interrupt a Democrat in the midst of one of their temper tantrums…just wait a little bit…eventually they will stop sticking their fingers in their ears with their eyes closed and loudly saying “la, la, la, I can’t hear you!”…or, if you wait long enough, some of them will pass out from holding their breath for too long
1. Replace the podium with a dunking booth.
2. Remove all furniture from the committee rooms, the main chambers, and their DC offices. Sell same on eBay.
(2a. Ditto for all Federal offices.)
3. Jam texting, sexting, and IM signals to and from the Capitol building.
(3a. White House, too, now that I think of it.)
4. Require all Congressional travel to be accomplished in the Volt. (They voted for it; they can have it.)
5. Remove Capitol Hill from all carbon-based energy sources.
6. Require that they must change their diapers at least daily.
Since they repealed DADT…make all restrooms and showers in the Capitol gender neutral.
Make attendance on the floor or at committee meetings mandatory from 9 am to no earlier than 5:30 (with 30 minutes for lunch)
Pass a law that requires all congressmen/women to meet in a single room on April 5th. There they will be required to do their own tax returns, no software, no CPA, no lawyers.
– Every time the Dems propose anything, respond by saying, “The election is over, Nan.”
– Promise that, “We support bipartisanship if by bipartisanship you mean ‘punishing all of our enemies by kicking them in the junk.'”
– Promise that our singular focus will be to make fun of Obama at every conceivable opportunity.
– Pass a law that requires any building/bridge/road/square/landfill named after a politician be preceded by the title, “Blood Sucking Vampire…”
Robert Byrd (among others) would then get this title on 65 buildings, projects, roads…pieces of pork (really)
Observe these current national days by:
* National Handwriting Day — 23 Jan: by writing by hand, sometime
* National Wear Red Day — 2 Feb: by talking like a pirate (Congress has not yet resolved a day for pirates)
* National Sleep Awareness Week: 1-7 Mar: by sleeping through it
* Kick Butts Day — 25 Mar: by kicking H. Reid’s butt
* National Umbrella Month — March: by clanging on Obama’s bucket with an umbrella
* National Ethics Awareness Month — May: by punching C. Rangle each day
* Alcohol Awareness Month — April: by drinking, what else?
* Be Kind to Animals Week — 2-8 May: by beating animals during all other weeks
* National Headache Awareness Week — 1-7 Jun: by delcaring Obama the source of all national headaches
* National Healthcare Risk Management Week — 14-18 Jun: by figuring out what this means
* National Grilling Month — June: this one is too easy to observe during each day of June
* (June is a good month)
* Happiness Happens Month — July: by suspending it until November 2012
* Sept: by consolidating the 9 separate days for nurses (September alone has 3) into one
* Sleep Technologists Appreciation Week — 5-11 October: Another easy one
* Great American Smokeout — 19 Nov: by declaring a tax holiday on smokes for November
* Dec: by adding more December national days (there’s only one in December)
If you’re keeping score for this idiocy:
* Weeks/Months for mental awareness: 3
(one week for “Mental Illness Awareness,” a separate month for “Mental Illness Awareness” (really), plus a separate Month for “Mental Health”)
* Days and months for eye stuff: 2 months, 1 week
* Danger of the sun type of stuff: 2 separate sun danger type of weeks to run consecutively during the same month to run concurrently.
(Interestingly, there is also a national “Beach Month.”)
National Constitution Awareness Days/Months/Weeks: 0
You can accomplish a lot more with a smile and a gun than with just the smile.
Hire an usher to escourt House member to their seats, like at a wedding, asking “Friends of the President or the Taxpayers?” Lead any of the former of a large pit. Push in pit. Fill pit.
All Legislation must be submitted in hard copy into the legislation box. Slot on Legislation Box is big enough for docs 10 pages or less. Or is a shredder.
Label the big dumpster in the back of the Capitol “Democrat Legislation Proposals”.
They need to oppose everything and anything the Democrats favor. Also, submit every Monday a new bill calling for Obamacare’s repeal. The idea is to keep these progressive douchebags too busy defending it to introduce more of their America Hating Agenda (AHA!). I also think a new law allowing the hunting of progressives is really badly needed.
1) Replace Boehner…with anyone other than McCain or Graham.
2) Success
And, yes, I realize they’re senators…but, it still needed to be said.
You have to moderate my comment? That stings, man…really stings…deep down to my core
Every time a Democrat tries to suggest legislation, give them a bobblehead doll as a distraction.
Install and label different restrooms for Democrats and Republicans. Democrats restrooms shall be all unisex, painted bright pink and there won’t be any stall walls. This way they can break down barriers between people! There also won’t be any cleaning except maybe once per year!
Republican restrooms will be like super awesome with mechanical butt wipers, LCD TV’s in every stall, an African American male/female standing there to offer you a shave, shoe shine, after-shave, lotion, hand job…pretty much whatever you want! They will be all marble and mahogony and will have voting buttons within each stall so that the Republican members can vote down Democrat bills while taking a dump!
Democrat chairs in the House and Senate replaced with “Green Chairs” made out of recycled Milk Containers. Hard plastic!
Republican chairs in the House and Senate replaced with rich Italian Leather taking months to order because each one is hand made! They will have stereo speakers, massagers in the back and will recline with foot-rests that kick out for long Obama speeches! They will also have beverage holders and will be heated or cooled to just the right temperature!
Democratic mics replaced with 1940’s vintage with same sound system.
Republican mics replaced with latest Dr Drye headphones and super awesome sound with light shows etc.
Great article Frank! Many laughs.
Have every Republican show up for session dressed in togas each holding a jar of ketchup and mayonnaise.
Whenever a Democrat begins proposing new legislation jump with a big smile and yell “I made boom-boom!”
Completely solidify Pelosis’ office with red jello.
When greeting lobbyists always wear a hand buzzer.
All Republican offices should be wired to blast the theme from Psycho whenever anyone enters.
Remember, Wednesdays are Chandelier Day.
Begin a commission on finding out what’s really causing that smell in Harry Reids’ office.
All proposed legislation has to be written by hand, on pig skin, by a member of congress, just like the constitution was written.
This would be a positive step, as do you think any of the Dems could have written the health care bill under such circumstances?
Open hearing on each of o’s Czars and force each to answer the following questions:
1. Who the h*ll are you?
2. What the h*ll do you actually do?
3. How the h*ll much are you being paid?
4. Are you a Marxist, a Stalinist, or a Maoist?
4. Do you want a 5 minute head-start, or should we just administer the ‘Musket to the Junk’ right now?
PS. the 2 number 4s isn’t a typo, just a way of rephrasing the same question.
A sliding roof that opens up and then a MexiCannon placed under each members chair. If (when) they say something really stupid, the roof slides open and they are blasted into Mexico. Parachute optional…
ussjimmycarter…the roof will never have a chance to close.
Pass an ammendment that congress can only be in session 3 months out of the year and that congress critters have to reside in their home states for 9 months out of the year. Collar filled with explosives will detonate if they get within 50 miles of DC during the proscribed periods. At the end of a critters term the critter can be voted as in, out, or detonate the collar.