NEW YORK CITY (AP) – After a journey spanning 5 years and over 100,000 nautical miles, a liberal research vessel has finally returned home to the New York harbor from which it originally launched. After stopping in 197 countries and interviewing over 50,000 people, the researchers report that they were unable to locate anyone who was not entitled to US health care, welfare payments, or voting rights.

Lead researcher, world-renowned journalist Henry Morton Stanley, explained that he considered the mission a “success.”

“It started off as a dream,” said Stanley, a tear coming to his eye. “A dream of spreading mercy and kindness abroad to those who deserved it but weren’t getting it. We were looking to see if maybe – just maybe – someone who didn’t have the good luck to be born within America’s borders might be deserving to share in some of the perks and goodies that others seem to be entitled to for a mere accident of geography. We didn’t know what we’d find. We thought one, or maybe two percent of our interviewees would be worthy. Before we left, some ‘Occupy’ veterans even joked it’d be ‘99%’. What we found was beyond our wildest imaginings! EVERY SINGLE PERSON WE TALKED TO – and we talked to thousands – met our criteria to be entitled to an endless stream of US government benefits. Not just those fortunate few with American Privilege. Everybody.”

Addressing skepticism from statisticians who were likely on the payroll of the same shadowy cabal of Russians that owns President Trump, Stanley called the criticism “unfounded”.

“There will always be those who refuse to accept facts,” Stanley said. “One critic even compared our ‘100%’ finding to the sorts of outcomes one sees in rigged election in third-world ratholes like Cuba or Detroit. But that’s not it at all. Our organization, ‘Socialists Without Borders,’ has only one goal: fairness. We want to give things to people according to their needs – after we get it from the undeserving rich according to our ability to get new government-funded programs created. We have a lot of compassion, so it’s not surprising that we can see all people in all lands as simply human beings. Human beings who deserve American stuff.”

“There was one time, though,” said Stanley, “when we thought we’d finally found a ‘non-qualifier’. We’d stumbled across this one guy wearing a bomb belt and yelling ‘death to America!’ He just didn’t sound interested in what we had to offer. But after we explained that not only would he get free stuff, but he’d also be able to throw a wrench into the infidel’s elections, too, he was all like ‘Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!‘ and seemed very much on board with the program. Until he dropped the trigger to his bomb belt and blew himself up. Oh well. At least he can still vote in Chicago.”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Oppo contributed to this story]

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< Authorities Shut Down Kids’ Lemonade Stand for Not Catering Gay Wedding

SEATTLE (AP) – Seattle’s city government is mired in controversy today after officials from the Office of Equity and Human Rights shut down a lemonade stand run by two little girls after a complaint was filed against the pair for not catering a gay wedding.

The complainants, Chuck Levine and Larry Valentine, reported that they were unfairly and illegally discriminated against by the accused and their retail beverage distribution company, “Yumee Lemunayde.”

“We were driving through the neighborhood and saw these two cute little girls with their cute little cups and precious little pitcher of lemonade and their fabulous little hand-lettered sign with the atrocious spelling, and I told Larry that we HAVE to have these two cater our wedding,” said Levine. “I mean, it’s just not a wedding without lemonade. Although I suppose it’s not really a wedding without a bride, either, but my mom’s wedding dress makes me look hippy, so THAT’S not happening.”

“Anyway,” said Valentine, continuing Levine’s story, “we told the girls they were going to cater our wedding, and they just sort of looked at each other in horror, started crying, then ran inside yelling for their mommy. Well, mommy came out telling us they weren’t catering anything for us because ‘they’re only eight’. Although Chuck swears she said ‘they only hate’. Judging from their rude reaction, I think Chuck may have been right.”

“Well,” continued Levine, “we decided to let it slide, so we drove around for a while looking for a Christian bakery to do drinks for us, but some reason they’re all out of business now, so that was a bust. That’s when we decided to play hardball. I may not be the butchest belle at the ball, but I’m not going to get pushed around by a couple of 8 year olds. Even if they do have adorable matching outfits.”

The twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Johnson, seemed very upset by the experience.

“I don’t know HOW to crater a wedding! Is that like when they make holes in the moon? Do I have to go to the moon?” wailed Mary Kate.

“No,” corrected Ashley “it’s GATOR. I think those are shoes. Like Crocs, except uglier. I think they want us to pour the lemonade into shoes for them to drink out of. Grown-ups are weird.”

A spokesman for Country Time Lemonade’s #SaveLemonadeStands legal task force promised to represent the Johnson’s pro bono and vowed to “throw so many lawyers at those guys they’ll think they got run over by a rugby scrum.”

Although still considering options, Levine and Valentine implied they might be dropping the complaint.

“We actually found a cute little Muslim bakery in town that said they would help us,” said Levine. “Their only condition was that, after the wedding, we’d have to let them throw us off the roof. Which seemed a little odd, but Muslims get discriminated against a lot, too, so I feel like we owe it to them to respect their culture and beliefs.”

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< Mayors Threatened with Jail As Court Declares Sanctuary Cities Constitute Unconstitutional “Quartering” Under Third Amendment