Well, since Frank’s baby still hasn’t arrived yet, I figured I might pass on some more of my parenting wisdom. Here are some of the principles/techniques that have worked well for me.
- When your kid won’t go to sleep and keeps crying out that he is afraid because there is a monster in his closet, don’t yell back, “Be quiet or it will hear you.” The kid won’t go to sleep, and it will only make your wife really irate.
- Spend the time necessary to make sure your child develops a good relationship with each of your personalities.
- Oddly enough, the use of shock collars to train your toddler is illegal in Idaho.
- If you are white and adopt a black child, don’t use one of those child leashes. People might get the wrong idea and think you are pining for the plantation.
- If you want to get the child into television commercials or think he has a chance of working in Hollywood, better be safe and get him circumcised.
- I would recommend not exposing your children to high levels of radiation of any kind. At least, it didn’t give any of my offspring super powers.
- Never tell your kids that you wish they would be more like the kids next door if you live next door to an abortion clinic. It will give them a complex.
- When raising your kids, always pretend to be a liberal progressive, so that when they rebel they will become perfect, little conservatives.
- Let them know from a very early age that, as a matter of principle, you don’t negotiate with kidnappers.
- Make sure to send all your kids to finishing school as soon as possible. That makes them much more valuable on the black market.
- The most important bit of advice I can offer from siring multiple children: keep the receipt and make sure you fully understand your hospital’s return policy.
I must be in the zone because the last one made me jump to John 3:4.
Make sure the child responds to YGDFT!YLTATSOTE! by giving you bacon.
Parenting Bacon to spacemonkey!
http://tinyurl.com/YGDFTYLTATSOTE
No matter how much the other end leaks too, you are only supposed to diaper one end of a baby.
Teach your kid to whistle when he’s scared of the dark. That will make it easier for the psycho killer to find him.
“Harvey” can testify to this. It worked perfectly with his son Alex P. Keaton.
My first child once had a poop so massive with the consistency of mashed potatoes! that it took about 10 minutes to clean him up just to put him in the tub. I’ll never forget the smirk on his face which said “Gotcha!!”
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We were blessed with our first child (that’s why we have 2) as she was sleeping through the night within her first week. However, she did have a habit of crying from 8-10 pm every night for no reason. Nothing would soothe her until we recorded her crying and played it back to her. Put her right to sleep.
I’ve had a child already for two and a half years and thus already know everything.
Frank, then you should know that NOTHING stops unsolicited parenting advice. Especially from mothers-in-law. (I believe it is an inherent defect related to the lack of a Y chromosome, but I have been unable to prove it yet since somehow my mother-in-law keeps escaping from her restraints.)