Now that the Bird Flu has hit Israel, there’s talk of it being some form of God’s Wrath.
Excuse me? What did birds ever do to God to piss Him off?
Archive of entries posted on March 2006
Everything You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Instapundit, But Were Too Afraid to Ask
(A Filthy Lie)
Sure, you know about the puppy blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshipping, commie praising, robot dancing, Frank J. punching, and penguin porn, but here are some things you DIDN’T know about Glenn Reynolds:
- Glenn Reynolds can crash you server just by thinking about linking to you.
- Glenn Reynolds writes Garfield fan-strips, all of which end with Odie getting stuffed into a blender.
- They’re STILL less predictable than the ones Jim Davis writes.
- You know that asteroid belt between Mars & Jupiter? That used to be a planet until Glenn Reynolds thought about linking to it.
- The KKK was completely harmless until Glenn Reynolds suggested that they put eye-holes in their hoods.
- Spammers originally got the idea for sending out a million e-mails per day by watching Glenn Reynolds post at Instapundit.
- It was Glenn Reynolds who first said to William Hung – “You’ve got talent. Go audition for American Idol.”
- Satan’s biggest fear is that he’ll have to spend eternity with Glenn Reynolds after he dies.
- Glenn Reynolds’ glasses are the only thing keeping his laser vision from incinerating the universe.
- Glenn Reynolds once deflected a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick by thinking about linking to it.
- Glenn Reynolds murdered Socrates by telling him his cup of hemlock was actually a Starbucks Iced White Chocolate Macchiato
- Nuclear bombs fear Glenn Reynolds going off on them.
- There’s more than one way to skin a cat, and they were all discovered by Glenn Reynolds.
- Glenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas.
- One drop of Glenn Reynolds’ bath water contains enough residual evil to de-sanctify Vatican City.
- Puppy blood is the secret ingredient in Insta-Cola.
- When CNN interviews Glenn Reynolds, they have to put special filters on the camera lenses, lest TV viewers be turned to stone.
- As for the fate of the audience in the studio… now you know where garden gnomes come from.
- Glenn Reynolds’ remote control only has one button. When he presses it, his TV automatically tunes to the evilest show available.
- Usually “Full House“.
- Glenn Reynolds’ printer is a Hewlett-Packed BloodJet model 900.
- Spelling “Glenn Reynolds” on a Scrabble board will summon the demon Atazoth who – legends say – will exact retribution on the Overworld by getting Hillary elected in ’08.
- Google recently changed their motto to “Don’t be Glenn Reynolds”.
- Glenn Reynolds personally hand-stitched Janet Jackson’s Superbowl outfit.
- The blind leading the blind isn’t so bad… Glenn Reynolds likes leading them into traffic during rush hour.
- In Glenn Reynolds’ DVD collection, “Schindler’s List” is filed under “Comedy”, right between “Saw 2” and “Scream”.
- Glenn Reynolds taught Senator Palpatine how to do that fingertip-lightning thing.
- The Lemarchand Box in “Hellraiser” is a device used by Cenobites to summon Glenn Reynolds.
- Glenn Reynolds never thought about linking to Martha Stewart, but he DID send her an e-mail on December 26, 2001, that was completly blank except for the word “Sell”.
- Glenn Reynolds introduced Bill to Monica.
- Good things come to those who wait – unless Glenn Reynolds steals them first.
- Glenn Reynolds never actually punched Frank J. – he got Frank J. to punch himself by thinking about linking to him.
I wonder what would happen if I spelled “Frank J.” on a Scrabble board…
IMAO: PRESS RELEASE: IMAO Is Still a Group Blog
Remember this post?
IMAO: PRESS RELEASE: IMAO Is Now a Group Blog
1 Year, 1 Month, 1 Day and a few hours later and we are still going strong. Yeah, it has been THAT long since IMAO became a group blog. Am I the only one to notice?
What a year and change it has been. Frank and Sarah got married, Ducky’s got a new baby, we started podcasting, and a whole lot of other stuff, funny stuff, happened too.
What was your favorite thing that happened here during the past year, month, day and few hours?
News Flash: Huffington Post to Offer Wider Range of Services
In a move to increase the scope of her services, Arianna Huffington proudly announced her new blog writing service available at the Huffington Post.
“We feel that most celebrities today don’t have the time to sit down and write out the actual words of what they think. If these people wanted to project caring and sincerity, they’d hire professional screenwriters. So we’ve created a service where today’s Important Person can communicate effectively without having to do anything.”
Arianna was encouraged to take this step when she witnessed the incredible appreciation voiced by readers when they read the completely factual and untainted post by actor George Clooney called “I’m Liberal and Ariannia is so sexy”
Said Arianna, “We are reaching the point where we need to reach beyond the (CBS) standard of Fake But Accurate and reach into the realm of I’m Sure This is What They Would Want.
Upcoming celebrity posts and titles include:
Angelina Jolie: Adopt these little children because Bush will otherwise orphan them again.
Brad Pitt: Angelina is almost as hot as Arianna.
and of course…
Jennifer Aniston: Stop looking at Arianna!!
Showing support for this new addition was veteran talk show host Bill Maher. “Arianna has shown the kind of sincerity and bravery the likes of which are rarely seen. In fact, I haven’t seen this kind of courage since those hijackers rammed those airplanes into the twin towers.”
Also today, in appreciation of St. Patricks’ Day, The Huffington Post will feature an extensive articulation of Bush war crimes as wrtten by an actual, bona fide Leprechaun.
Friday Catblogging
Since it’s Friday, I thought I’d spread the joy of humor-free, apolitical Friday Catblogging to IMAO (aka “I-MEOW”).
Sure, some of the IMAO bloggers have cats, but apparently I’m the only one of them brave enough to Friday Catblog. Maybe they’re worried that they’ll get fleas. Well, more fleas than usual. (e.d.: we need to fleadip Ducky again)
Anyway, today being St. Patrick’s Day, it’s time for Edloe O’Grumpus:
If you’re not sure how this absurd scene pertains to IMAO, since IMAO is famous for that “political humor” thing, it doesn’t. If you must have some semblance of politics or humor in everything you read here, just assume that Edloe is… um…
Help me out here. Make your suggestions in the comments how this scene is, in fact, a political allegory.
(For more animal goodness, try Friday Ark today and Carnival of the Cats will be this upcoming Sunday at Catcall, so send your catblogging links to submissions @ carnivalofthecats.com.)
Carnival Of Comedy is UP at Ben’s Rants and Raves.
| If you go to Ben’s Rants and Raves right now, right this very minute, you’ll see Carnival of Comedy #46 It’s a barebones edition. Because all the meat was peeled away so we could grill it up for that “up yours PETA” holiday, that was yesterday. |
What, me worry?
The RNC named a new head today, Alfred E. Neuman. His first order of business was to endorse formation of a “non-partisan” committee to bring a “fresh perspective” on U.S. policy in Iraq. Let me tell you, I am 100% behind this decision. Remember how great that “non-partisan” 911 panel turned out? Or how great the appointment of an inpendent prosecutor to investigate the Valerie Plame matter (despite the fact it was obvious no crime had been committed) turned out? Or how great the Spineless 7 defection worked out for judicial confirmations (heard about any of those recently?). I’m sure the “non-partisan” Democrats on the panel won’t take the opportunity to grandstand all summer long on national television about President Bush’s job performance in Iraq. Every time I see Leon Panetta on the talk circuit, I always think to myself–“Wow, what a great non-partisan leftist. His sense of perspective and fairness inspires me.” And who better to help form foreign policy than former career politicians who have not been in the security loop for years. I’m sure this won’t just become one big 2006 election ad for the DNC, and I’m sure James Baker and Alan Simpson will fight hard to support the President (between cat naps and adult diaper changes anyway). Wonderful plan. Just wonderful. I think Mr. Neuman’s second order of business should be to freshen up our party’s slogan. Maybe instead of G.O.P., we could change it to S.O.S. for Stuck on Stupid.
Killing Baby Seals. FAQ
Very soon, Canada will allow thousands of baby seals to be hunted down and killed. Singer and activist Sir Paul McCartney, is working to draw attention to this situation. We here at IMAO aren’t just about writing tasteless jokes, unbalanced viewpoints, and cheap thrills: We also do a podcast.
There’s a very important reason (beyond recreation) why the Canadian government allows the thinning of these herds. If left to their own devices (and seals do indeed have devices hidden somewhere) these seals would grow at such an alarming rate that eventually, you’d have to face the most dreaded of all realities — redrawing voting districts.
With that said, IMAO presents the ultimate Baby Seal Killing FAQ
Is it wrong to kill a baby seal?
Of course it is. With the allotted amount set at 320,000 dead seals there’s no excuse for bagging just one.
No, I mean morally. Is it wrong?
Don’t fool yourself. If these seals had half a chance, they’d not only kill you — they’d eat your liver and drink it down with a bottle of Seal Chianti.
I would feel bad whacking these seals repeatedly until they died.
Are you talking about repetitive stress syndrome?
No. That moral thing again.
Sigh. Not all of the seals will die. Just the ones chosen by nature to not move on. After repeated whacking, some of these seals will evolve a thick exoskeleton (which brings good money on the black market) others will evolve faster flippers, and in some cases, will develop a mutant growth in the shape of a civil rights attorney.
Why kill them?
Anything with a chance to become an attorney deserves to die.
Is there any hope for these little Canadian seals?
Some of them do manage to sneak into America where they apply for amnesty.
Then what happens?
We keep the ones that have necessary job skills, like playing Yankee Doodle Dandy on the horns. Unfortunately, more and more those jobs are being taken my Mexican Illegal Seals who do the job Canadians Seals won’t do.
After I went on the seal hunt last year — I think I felt guilty. What should I do?
Many times guilt is confused with the common head cold. I would suggest that this year you bundle up. Try wearing fur.
You told me that last year — and they ended up confusing me for a seal.
Oh yeah. We thought you looked familiiar. Anyway -Who wears seal fur to a seal bashing? That is sooo Last Years Republican Convention. But it does bring up a point — Safety. Be careful you’re not bashing another human being. That would be wrong. The correct noises to listen for are:
1. Urrgh
2. Ooogh.
3. “I’m a Lawyer”.
You might be hitting the wrong creature if you hear things like,
1. “ooch”
2. “ouch”
3. “But I performed at the Super Bowl.”
Can you cook seal?
I don’t know. We just do it for the killin’. Besides — cookin’ is Woman’s work. So we wouldn’t know.
What do you do with a seal once you kill it?
We don’t know. Leave it there and keep killing.
What’s the silliest thing you ever heard done with a Canadian Seal?
Last year, a couple from Florida took one home and expected it to get along with their cats.
Are there any other advantages to killing these baby seals?
Sure, it’s an athletic activity. It helps you work out your muscles, increase your heart rate and lower cholesterol (Note: this statement not evaluated by the FDA)
What would it take to make seal bashing a legitimate Olympic sport?
If you were the typical Olympic viewer — it would take more ruffled shirts.
Or people with little brooms running in front of the seals — or is that behind?
If you’re Bryant Gumbel seal bashing wold only be a real Olympic sport if it had more black athletes.
How could we make Bryant happy?
Kill just the white seals.
You talked me into it. I’d like to go up to Canada and take a Seal Beating Vacation? How do I set up a tour?
You can book a local tour operator. Or you can contact the people at Disney Vacations.
How do I know the tour operator isn’t some crazed activist that’s going to hijack me?
Most tour operators will send a car to pick up you at the airport. You’re only in trouble if your driver is Ted Kennedy. And Dick Cheney is riding shotgun.
Would it stop the killing if Hollywood made more films about this?
Hollywood tried — but they couldn’t find any seals that were gay.
**
We hope that this guide has been informative. Hardly any seals were harmed in the making of this post. If you’d like to stop the senseless killing of these seals please send cash to IMAO headquarters and we’ll think about doing something.
Yes, we are awful. That’s why you can’t stop coming back again and again.
Links of The Day
Photoshop/Caption contest at GOP and College – Senator Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) standing next to a sign that says “DANGEROUSLY INCOMPETENT”. As a courtesy to those who wish to photoshop a new message, I’ve created a copy of image with the board already blanked out, which you can download from here.
Meanwhile, The Right Place Blog provides compelling evidence that Bush might actually BE Hitler.
Who lights up my life?
You know that song “You Light Up My Life” by Debbie Boone?
I used to think it was about Jimmy Carter.
Yeah, now know it’s about God, thanks to The Simpsons. But I used to think it was about Jimmy Carter.
I was really good at math when I was little, right around the time that Debbie Boone was singing this song I thought was about Jimmy Carter. And despite doing the mathetmatical substitution of “Jimmy Carter” for “You” I still didn’t see any problems with the song:
So many nights I sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark but now
Jimmy Carter’s come along
Jimmy Carter lights up my life
Jimmy Carter gives me hope
To carry on
Jimmy Carter lights up my days
and fill my nights with song
Rollin’ at sea, adrift on the water
Could it be finally I’m turning for home?
Finally, a chance to say hey,
I love Jimmy Carter
Never again to be all alone
Jimmy Carter lights up my life
Jimmy Carter gives me hope
To carry on
Jimmy Carter lights up my days
and fill my nights with song
Jimmy Carter lights up my life
Jimmy Carter gives me hope
To carry on
Jimmy Carter lights up my days
and fill my nights with song
It can’t be wrong
When it feels so right
‘Cause Jimmy Carter
You light up my life
Oh, sure, it sounds so very wrong now, but I was young and foolish then. (Yeah yeah yeah… let’s just complete the TMBG verse: “I feel old and foolish now”) Maybe Jimmy Carter gave hope to crazy people like Debbie Boone, but I didn’t know Debbie Boone well enough to think she was crazy or not. To think that Jimmy Carter lit up people’s day is also silly, considering that he was in favor of energy conservation. If anything, you turn off the lights during the day if you’re trying to waste less electricity.
But the thought of “Jimmy Carter filling my nights with song” should have been a clue, even to an ignorant and deranged seven year-old.
Nightmares of Soviet conquest of free democracies, Jimmy weakly tossing out symbolic gestures like boycotting the Moscow Olympics when stronger measures were needed, possibly. Waking up in cold sweats over the Presidential Fitness Tests, most certainly. But never song.
Frank and Texas Family Law
A quick note on Frank: He’s sick today. I’ve got a sick husband and a sick puppy, but who’s the one going to the doctor today? Me. Anyway, Frank probably won’t be blogging much.
And thanks for all your help re: Texas family law. No, it is not about me and Frank, all you snarkers! Some of my family needs help. I’m still going through the emails, because for some reason, i didn’t get any email yesterday to my sarahk.us and mountaineermusings.com addresses. Thanks again.
Melvin, tell me something nice.
When I read news of child-molesting Internet porn live streaming video busts by law enforcement, I just want to vomit at the depths to which humanity can sink. My faith in the power of technology to extend man’s reach beyond his grasp is slammed to the ground and stomped on.
U.S. and Canadian authorities said on Wednesday they had cracked an international child pornography network that in some cases transmitted molestations live over the Internet.
“These are the worst imaginable forms of child pornography,” said U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, adding that one case involved the abuse of a toddler less than 18 month old.
Twenty-seven people from nine U.S. states and Canada, Australia and Britain, are charged with possession, receipt, distribution and manufacture of child pornography in connection with the case, authorities said.
Twenty-six of the suspects have been arrested and one is still at large.
“This international undercover investigation revealed an insidious network that engaged in worldwide trafficking in child pornography, including live molestations of children transmitted over the Internet,” Gonzales said.
The Mainstream Media (MSM) wants us to believe that everything about the Internet is evil, bad, awful, perverted, and disgusting. It’s just a gigantic high-speed digital sewer rushing filth from pervert to pervert along with the occasional gigabyte of music stolen from poor and starving musicians (that are signed with the record label which is owned by a subsidiary of the same mega-corporation which owns that newspaper or magazine decrying all this shameful activity).
Then, despite all this horror and ugliness, I realize that the Internet can be a good thing when you think about it. After all, the fact that it’s so easy to set up these disgusting and insane streaming filth websites means that it’s also as easy to track them, arrange a warrant to grab server logs, and round these vile creatures up for arrest and incarceration. In the past, these scum would be doing the stuff themselves in clubs or tape-swap meets or whatever. Now, with technology, they think they’re safe, but they’re really making it easier to bust their hideous asses.
Still, with this all in mind, I need a little reminding that the Internet has some decent sites out there. Just like when Helen Hunt told Jack Nicholson “Tell me something nice” at the restaurant, I need to tell myself something nice about the Internet right than and there, to just peg a reminder that it isn’t all noise and muck. Things that archive man’s achievements and history and knowledge and such. Smithsonian Institution types of sites, places that are inherently and completely yuck-free.
What sites do you think of as bastions of humanity’s greatness or attics of the best of what our species has manages to produce despite the ease and temptation to descend into futile, disgusting perversion for profit and sin?
I Can’t Help It – AI Top 12 results show
Wow, so down between Ace (who sucked last night) and Kevin (who sucks always), Ace is in the bottom 3, and Kevin is safe. So there IS hope for Kellie to go home. Of course, Ace and Kevin should both be in the bottom 3.
Let me just note: All you people saying that I don’t like Kellie because Frank might think she’s hot — first of all, he (obviously) likes more cushion on his women. Second of all, he is laughing his pinkytoe off right along with me and makes fun of her almost as much as I, and he also grimaced just now when they said that fake idiot was safe.
So between Elliott and Melissa, not a big shock that Melissa’s in the bottom three.
More surprising to a lot of people but really not that surprising to me is that between Lisa and Bucky, Lisa’s in the bottom 3. I expected Kellie (after that wretched excuse for singing she put on last night), Bucky, and Melissa to be in the bottom 3. This is a pretty good bottom 3, though.
And Melissa is going home. Not a big shock. I guess I didn’t pray hard enough. Everyone pray for Kellie!
Bush’s New Advisors
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
[Caution – the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]
Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists – usually it boils down to something like “Just ignore them and they’ll go away… Unless they don’t… in which case it’s Bush’s fault for not connecting the dots.”
Now, I’m sure President Bush isn’t actually listening to George Clooney, but he’s getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.
As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:
Frank J. – “Nuke the moon.”
Darth Vader – “Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There’s no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should’ve left the State Department alive.”
Dick Cheney – “Aim for the face.”
Donald Rumsfeld – “Hey! Vader stole my advice!”
Ann Coulter – “Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.”
Gandalf – “More Hobbits”
Michael Jackson – “Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they’ll be ripe for the picking.”
Jeffrey Dahmer – “Beat ’em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they’ll be too tough and stringy.”
Laura Roslin – “Throw ’em out the airlock.”
Harry Potter – “I’m a pansy. Let Hermione handle it.”
C3P0 – “I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win.”
Barney the Dinosaur – “Lots of hugs!… and explosives!”
John Cleese – “Wait… are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?”
Satan – “Just get the Arabs high-speed internet access. They’ll be too busy Boobling for pr0n to kill anybody… By the way, has anyone seen my autographed copy of ‘An Army of Davids’?”
If anyone else has conducted a focus group recently, feel free to share excerpts from your executive summaries in the comments.
In My World: Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Censure Will Never Hurt Me
“What’s Senator Feingold up to?” President Bush asked Condoleezza Rice.
“He asking the Senate to censure you.”
“Oh no!” Bush exclaimed as he covered his groin.
Condi rolled her eyes. “Do you know what ‘censure’ means?”
Bush was silent for a moment. “Well, do you?”
“What censure means is that the Senate will publicly berate you.” Bush stared at Condi blankly. “Say you are bad, that is,” Condi added.
“What I do bad?” Bush asked. “Did I say ‘nuclear’ wrong again?”
“You always say it wrong, but the censure is because Feingold says your wiretapping of Al Qaeda suspects is illegal.”
Bush snapped a pencil in anger. “He’s illegal! Who elects these whiny losers that are the Democrats anyway? I can’t imagine any self-respecting man voting for these eunuchs who worry so much about the poor terrorists getting wire-tapped. The men who vote for them must be gay… and I mean really really gay.” Bush perked up for a second. “Hey, maybe we could use that as a campaign slogan this year!”
Condi sighed. “Why don’t you run it by Karl Rove.”
“I need to go to the Senate and stop this,” Bush said and started to head out of the White House. He then stopped. “Where does the Senate meet again?”
“The Capitol Building.”
“Is that the tall pointy one?”
“That’s the Washington Monument.”
“Uh… the one with the giant stone man?”
“That’s the Lincoln Memorial.”
“Then is it the flat, watery one?”
“That’s the reflection pool between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial.”
Bush thought for a moment. “It’s not the place with the dinosaur bones is it, because those big zombie lizards scare me?”
“You want the big building with the dome, Mr. President.”
“Thanks, Condi!” Bush said as he began to leave again. “To the big building with the dome!”
“I want you to stop this censuring!” Bush demanded to Senator Frist.
“It doesn’t have a chance of passing,” Frist said. “I’m trying to force a vote on it to embarrass the Democrats, but they’re not letting me.”
Bush slapped Frist. “That doesn’t sound like someone with Presidential ambitions to me. If you want it, make it happen!”
Frist thought for a moment. “There is one thing I can do…”
Frist marched over to Senator Reid. “I demand a vote on the censure.”
“Well, we all need more time to read the language and…”
“You will vote now!” Frist shouted. “I invoke the ancient Senatorial right of Kal-if-tor!”
Reid stood up straight. “You do not dare!”
“I dare!” Frist produced two curved blades and tossed one to Reid. “Whoever’s blood is spilt first, must cede!”
“So be it, fool! Aiaiaiaiai!” Reid shrieked as he charged Frist, swinging his weapon wildly. The blades clashed and sparks flew. They continued clashing for a couple minutes, destroying desks with missed swings as the rest of the Senate chanted, “Kal-if-tor! Kal-if-tor! Kal-if-tor!” Finally, Frist connected with a devastating slice, and Reid fell to the ground, blood spraying everywhere.
“Your power and your vote are mine!” Frist spat down at Reid. He then raised his blade in victory. “The vote on censure will commence!”
“But I need more time to…” Senator Feingold started to say, but was silenced when Frist punched him in the face.
“Quiet! Kal-if-tor says we vote now!”
“If we vote for censure, we could look bad on national security,” the Democrats whispered among themselves.
Soon, the vote was over. “One votes yea; ninety-nine vote nay,” Frist announced, “Censure is defeated!”
“I demand vengeance!” Bush shouted, pointing at Feingold. “He is a dingus, and he must pay for his dingussery!”
“Then I propose that Feingold will be beaten with sticks for the high crime of being a dingus,” Frist told the Senate. He then raised his blade in the air again. “We vote now!”
“If we don’t vote to have Feingold beaten with sticks, we could look bad on national security,” the Democrats whispered among themselves.
Soon, the vote was over. “Ninety-nine vote yea; one votes nay,” Frist announced, “Feingold will be beaten with sticks!”
The Senators all grabbed their beating sticks and descended upon the shrieking and crying Feingold and began to pummel him. Bush found a table leg and tried to join, but Frist stopped him. “Haven’t you read the Constitution?” Frist asked.
“I tried once, but it was boring.”
“Only Senators may join in a Senatorial stick beating. You are allowed to stand back and cheer us on, though.”
“Okay.” Bush started jumping and yelling, “Kill! Kill! Kill!” He then paused for a moment. “I wonder why my poll numbers aren’t higher? I sure like me!”