Presidential candidates are always placed under a lot of scrutiny, and thus it’s imperative to avoid mistakes. Here are some basic ones every candidate should be aware of:
COMMON CANDIDATE MISTAKES
* Racial and Ethnic Slurs: Strangely, this one keeps having to be reemphasized. Before you say anything, check to make sure it doesn’t have any racial and ethnic slurs in it. And no matter how much you think Chris Rock’s stand up may pertain to a situation, don’t quote it.
* Tell People Their Children Are Ugly: Statistically, most people’s children are ugly, but parents you want to vote for you don’t need to know that. So, even if someone’s child has overly-large nostrils, a sloping brow, and eyes too close together (or too far apart), don’t point it out. Just try not to look at him.
* Suggest Nuking Mecca: Anyone who has spent anytime thinking about foreign policy has at least pondered nuking Mecca, but don’t actually say it out loud. As neato as a huge religious war may seem, it’s not a good idea.
* Forget Your Pants: Common Kennedy mistake.
* Rely on Stereotypes of People’s Culture: Before meeting a new group of people, it’s best to have someone from that group who is already a supporter to help you out. Don’t rely on stereotypes you’ve learned from TV or your inside the Beltway friends. Despite what you may have heard, the best way to ingratiate yourself with white, male southerners isn’t to shout, “So who’s up for a good lynching?”
* Striking the Elderly: When going around and meeting voters, it’s often hard to resist striking the elderly since they are weak and can’t fight back. Still, it’s a bad idea and can have almost as bad an effect on your seniors’ vote as talking about changing Social Security.
* Botched Jokes: If all you really feel for the rubes in fly-over states is pure disdain, then you probably can’t actually relate to those people enough to tell a joke. If you are to tell a joke, being a politician, you probably won’t understand the humor which will interfere with the joke-telling, so make sure your staff indicates on the script where to pause for a beat and after which line to expect laughter.
* Publicly Urinate on Voters’ Prized Possessions: Again, a common Kennedy mistake.
* Point Out How Poor People Are: You may think you’re making a good point about how bad the economy is and how you plan to fix it, but it’s still a bad idea to sip a martini while looking at supporters and exclaiming, “Wow! Just look at your clothes; you people really do need my help. I’d kill myself if I were as poor as you.”
* Threaten to Invade an Ally: Big rookie mistake. While some groups may actually respond to crazy hawkishness, if you’re campaigning against the hawkishness of the previous administration, then maybe you should at least scan what our diplomatic relations are with a country before threatening to invade them.
* Get Services from Any Business with “Pink” in Its Name: No excuse for this one.
* Remind Everyone How Much Smarter You Are: Saying things like, “This is probably too complex for you Midwesterners, but know I understand everything,” is not a good way to argue issues to people. Also, if you come from a rich, politically-inclined family, you’ve probably just had a lot of people telling you you’re smart when you’re actually a bit of a nitwit.
* Leave a Supporter in a Sinking Car: Those wacky Kennedys,
* Tell the Truth: Whatever you do, don’t say what you’re actually thinking. People who seek political power are a wretched group, and that last thing people want to know is the pure darkness in your heart. Stick to bland pleasantries rather than telling people what you actually believe.
Some current campaign DONT’S:
* Don’t quote history properly. Americans haven’t read any lately and don’t understand it anyway.
* Don’t get angry. Studies have shown that women can’t handle it. Anger is reserved for people like Ronald Reagan who “payed for that microphone.”
* Don’t stutter. John McCain’s been doing enough of that lately.
* Refrain from grimmacing or shrieking. Hillary has that behavior cornered already.
* Don’t strut around too much when walking on stage (looking like a rapping, ghetto transplant): Obama wrote the book on that one.
* Don’t use self-contradictory sentences. John Kerry already wrote the book on that.
Dress like a sperm cell from “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex” (cf. John Kerry)
Forget who was President when you were invading Cambodia at Christmas (cf. John Kerry)
Do nothing when a group of Iranian Islamofascists seize our embassy, then attempt a virtually guaranteed-to-fail rescue (cf. Jimmy Carter)
Adopt “Fortunate Son” as your campaign song when you attended prep school in Switzerland and then married money – twice (cf. John Kerry, the gift who just keeps on giving)
Don’t run against Fred Thompson, you will make him angry, and you won’t like him when he’s angry.
The most famous candidate mistake is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against Fred Thompson when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha…
Holy Crap! I am guilty of at least 12 out of 14 of the the things on that list, and I have never even run for office, nor am I even a way far distant relative of the Kennedys. Imagine that?
Don’t tell the Truth? I would never be elected to president…
Kissing hands and shaking babies.
Brian_Thorn,
One can never be sure of not being a way far distant relative to the Kennedys.
Not to cast aspersions on anyone’s ancestry… but can any of us really be sure that some past Kennedy didn’t philander his way into our lineage somewhere along the line?
Sorry– I’m just saying…
First, I’d like to thank you crackers for inviting me to speak here tonight. I almost cancelled once I got a look at those circus freaks y’all call your kids, but I figured I could just send them off to Saudi Arabia when I become President. Once I nuke Mecca, no one will have to see their ugly faces again.
Hey, people! My eyes are up here! Yes, I realize my staff forgot to tell me to put on my pants and, yes, I realize that today I decided to “free-ball” it. Grow up!
Now, I’ll speak slowly for y’all since you Jesus freaks here in fly-over country are all home-schooled and didn’t get a proper public school education. I mean, just the other day I was campaigning at the nursing home, and none of the residents knew anything about the handshake plus headbutt greeting that’s all the craze in Washington.
Why’d the cracker bitch-slap the nappy headed ho? Because he was macaca! Haw haw haw. Why aren’t y’all laughing? I haven’t seen that many serious faces since I relieved myself on the town’s prize-winning rose bushes. I told y’all they looked like they needed a little water. I you weren’t all so dirt-eating poor, you could afford to water them properly — like decent folks!
Last night, when I was “relaxing” at The Pink Taco with Tawny and Vixen, I realized that what we need to do is invade Japan. I would explain my reasons to you, but that would be like explaining quantum mechanics to my dog, Samson — except he would probably drool less. I can see it now — I’ll be explaining my brilliant invasion plans and the drool will be deeper in this stadium than Ripple Creek. Not to make light of last night’s “incident” with the limousine, you understand. The girls told me they could swim!
Wrapping up, I want y’all to vote for me. I wouldn’t normally sully myself by coming near any of you riff-raff, but your vote counts just as much as a normal person’s. And remember to donate to my campaign — I shouldn’t have to pay for those $400 haircuts out of my own pocket!
“If you weren’t all so dirt-eating poor….”
(That’s what I get for using Frank’s proofreader)
Here’s more campaign no-noes:
Don’t attempt to sell the public on an idea that you invented the internet; sure, we were all born one day, but it wasn’t yesterday.
Don’t wax philosophical about how it takes a village to raise a child, and then virtually neglect your own.
Try not to refer to some people as “You people” (Perot). Apparently, some people don’t take kindly to being referred to as “people”. Go figure.
Make sure you know how to spell the names of vegetables. Danforth Quayle forgot that one & it nearly destroyed the space/time continuum.
When running for Democratic office, please, please, PLEASE don’t let your wife near mics or telephones; it just exposes your poor taste in women & your personal weaknesses when they call in to talk shows to defend you ineptitude to a Conservative woman.
And if you’re a Republican, do not waste time addressing the NAACP. Nine out of ten will vote against you, no matter how much you grovel.
Rudy Guiliani, for all his alleged liberal failings, treated the race hustlers like Sharpton & Co. with the disdain they deserved, and wasn’t afraid to call a spade a spade…
Master Shake 4 Preznit!
Don’t;
Wear a skirt if you have Hillaryankletitis
Say you support the troops and then complain they are stupid, uneducated boorish rubes
Run for the Republican nomination on a Free, Free, Free platform for all illegal law breakers
Ask us to vote for you when we know you are the daughter of Satan and your voice causes grown men to shit themselves and curl up in a ball and cry like school girls
Run for POTUS after being caught cheating by stealing British speeches
Run for POTUS to avoid being adopted by Madonna
Run for POTUS knowing you are Hillary’s bitch, and Hillary know’s you are her bitch and we know you are Hillary’s bitch and we know that she knows you are her bitch and we know that you know that you are her bitch…