Archive of entries posted on July 2008

lolterizt! Part 55

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Yay! Reader participation this week!
Pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

bagdad tampn.jpg
do not overwater.jpg
in your iraq.jpg
just a pistol.jpg
steely resolve.jpg
[Hat tip: Laurie]
tv is like.jpg
tiny speck.jpg

Two from Matthew:
puppet master.jpg
iran no nukes.jpg
From Gradual Dazzle
made you look.jpg
From Aaron

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

In My World: Drill!

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“Drill! Drill!” President Bush shouted as the people put together the drilling equipment.
“What are you doing in my house?” Harry Reid demanded as he walked up to Bush.
“I lifted the ban on off-shore drilling, and I’m starting with your house,” Bush said.
“My house isn’t off-shore!”
Bush shrugged. “I was going to move your house off shore and then drill it, but that seemed excessive.”
“Why do you want to drill my house?!”
“Because I hate you, stupid.” Bush punched Reid in the face, knocking him to the ground. “You’re stupid!”
“I’ll get you for this!” Reid ran off.
“And do what? Get me thrown out of office within a year? Lower my approval ratings.” Bush chuckled and made a call on his cell phone. “How’s the drilling in San Francisco going? …Well, if any hippies start to give you trouble, just drill in their heads… Of course it’s legal. I told you you could do it, so it’s legal!” Bush hung up the phone and walked over to Dick Cheney. “So do you think we’ll strike oil soon?”
“With all the drilling we’re doing, it’s inevitable,” Cheney said. “And then we’ll steal it and watch the puny humans suffer!”
“No!” Bush yelled. “We’re supposed to get more oil so the American people will love me again and burn Democrats in tribute to me.”
“Halliburton was under the assumption this was an evil, no-bid drilling contract,” Cheney explained. “If you want them not to be evil, that costs extra.”
“How much extra?”
“Twenty percent.”
Bush thought about that. “That’s too much. Well, if the American people really are going to elect Obama, I guess they deserve to suffer.”
“Whatever. I’m way passed the point of feeling I need to justify my action.” Cheney rubbed his hands together greedily. “I love evil!”
Bush shrugged. “Evil is alright. Time to try and explain things to the press.”
Cheney continued to watch the drilling equipment. “Puppets are in the car.”

“Obama is such a tool. I want to cut his nuts off.”
“Uh… the mike is on,” one of the reporters said.
“Why do you think I’m reading the teleprompter?” Bush shouted in response. He looked back to the prompter. “But enough about Obama’s nuts; I’m here to talk about drilling. People don’t like high gas prices, so the obvious thing to do is drill for more oil. Anyone who whines about gas prices and isn’t for drilling is a stupid annoying person who should be drilled in the head — maybe by one of those flying silver sphere things from the horror movie Phantasm. Did you see that? Anyway, we should make those and release them at the Democrat National Convention. That would be fun.” Bush stared at the screen for a second. “I guess that’s all I wrote. Any questions?”
“Are you going to drill in ANWR?” a reporter asked.
“Why wouldn’t we? Who would stop us? Moose? Eskimos? We can handle them. I’m thinking we’ll also drill in Canada. I hear they have oil there and they don’t have any use for it because they’re not technologically advanced enough.”
“Will we be drilling in Iraq?”
Bush looked confused. “There’s oil there?”
“What about research into alternative fuels,” another reporter asked.
“I have a clock that runs on a potato,” Bush said. “It’s pretty neat.”
“I mean how about paying others to do research into alternative fuel?”
“Oh. Well, we’re doing that. The drill we’re using in Yellowstone runs on ethanol. With research like that, we’ll be able to continue to drill for oil even if we run out of oil.”
“What about alternative fuels for cars?”
“It’s has always been the position of my administration that that is gay.” He checked his watch. “I’m getting tired of this. Is my presidency over yet?”

Operation Helpful Idiot Results – Part 7

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Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Thank Gaia (PBUH) that someone is finally cairing about the children and fixing the climate. After 8 years of the so-called Bush so-called administration WE have to fix the environment and get things back to the right temperature.
I have a great idae for fixing the environment that I cant believe WE arent doing already. Amerikkkans currently drink like 25% of their fluids as carbonated beverages. Since these beverages contain carbon, we should take all of the carbon out of the coal plants and then put them into Coke and Pepsi cans. Then, we give people tax credits the more soda they drink. This would give us a good environment plus it would create millions of green jobs in the soda creation industries. WE should get this made law TOOT-SWEET (heh heh, get it?) before Chimpy McHitlerburton manages to kill the last Polar Bear for oil.
Vote Kucinich!!!
Yours,
Percy Dovetonsils

I think we should all start up our cars, turn the airconditioning all the way frosty and then just let them run. It might even be better to roll the windows down cruze around town and yell complements at pretty girls in tight shorts. How cool is that?! I know just one person doing this will not make much difference but what if hundreds of us did?! Pretty soon we would have polar bears in LA. How cool is that.

My Idea to Help Use Less Energy
I noticed that on summer afternoons, my house gets really hot. I try not to turn on the air conditioner, but my husband complains that then it gets too hot to sleep upstairs where the bedrooms are. I noticed that if I keep the blinds down during the day, the rooms stay cooler, but the walls without windows work way better at keeping heat out. So, I got some plywood and put it up over the windows that face the south, west, and east. I painted cute garden and forest murals on them, and it looks like you’re always looking out on a beautiful nature scene – but, your house stays much cooler in the summer! I think it will work for winter, too. I’ll just add an additional set of plywood murals to the windows that face north (to keep out the cold winds). Viola, beauty, energy efficiency and crafting all in one!
Love,
Lauren

Dear We:
First, let me say how hapy I am that you’re out their to protect the envirament.
To add my two cents, I’d like to suggest that we work with President Obama to make enviramental education manditory in highschool, including global warming and what man has done to Mother Earth. School teachers should be telling highschool students how bad man is for the earth. Since the goverment funds schools, this wouldn’t be hard to do, I think. If only more people understood man’s negative impact on the envirament, I think we’d try harder to fix ourselves, or to let the goverment help us fix ourselves.
Anyway, that’s my thought. What do U think?
All the best, and GO OBAMA!!!

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).

Barack Obama: Embarrassment on Parade

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Recently Barack Obama said that American kids should learn a foreign language, and – typical liberal hypocrite that he is – followed up by saying that he’s “embarrassed” that he doesn’t know one himself.
Ain’t that just like a Democrat, insisting that the “little people” live up to expectations that don’t apply to them?
Which makes me wonder what else Mr. O is embarrassed about. I speculate thusly:

Sometimes at night, he dreams of tapping that booty, and wakes up with sticky sheets.
  • Although pro-choice, he chose not to abort his daughters.
  • His Secret Service cadre carries guns, but not strictly for hunting.
  • Had he starred in Blazing Saddles, Madeleine Kahn’s line would’ve been “Oh… it’s NOT twue.”
  • Grateful for the work of Civil Rights pioneers, but has never ridden on any bus, front or back.
  • Knows what arugula is.
  • Still harbors doubts that Neo is actually “The One”.
  • Black, yeah, but sadly, no slave blood.
  • Never managed to stay awake through an entire Reverend Wright sermon. That guy is pure pulpit Sominex!
  • Wants to pull out of Iraq, but can’t pull out of a parking lot without taking someone’s bumper with him.
  • Once failed to stop a thief who later killed his Uncle Ben.
  • Despite his penchant for wearing black, has never once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

So what do YOU know about Obama’s darkest secrets?
Wait… was that racist?

Thoughts on Where Politics Is Today

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So, are any of you secretly rooting for Obama? The way I see it, if McCain wins, conservative are going to be spending at least the next four years having to defend him when we don’t even really care for him (and he hates us), and we’ll be no closer to getting more conservatives in office than we are now. With Obama, at least we’ll have a fight on our hands, and I miss a good fight.
Also, it’s real hard to do an argument for Republicans these days other than the tiresome “sucks less” one. Also, with all the years of Democrat whining, you kinda just want to go, “Fine! Here’s the presidency, you annoying little bitches! Let’s see you try and do something!” You can’t really completely screw up this country in four years, anyway.
Now, just because we have some nitwit Democrats in office doesn’t mean some good conservative candidates will emerge, but it does guarantee we get to go on the offensive again. I don’t even think blogs existed last time a Democrat with a president; it will be a whole new blogosphere! We can be like Daily Kos — i.e., a bunch of rats stuffed in a cage who savagely bite each other each time the cage gets disturbed. Well, maybe not Kos crazy — even with Nuke the Moon and irrational monkey fear we’re about a hundred times more acceptable to the general voting public — but we could stand to be a little crazier. Remember when we used to think Bill Clinton had a bunch of people killed?
Just some thoughts to put out there. Sitting on the sidelines this election with nothing to cheer about is getting a bit tiresome. Maybe we could start a new party: Republicans Classic. And no more of this open tent crap; I want a nice closed tent. Not just anyone should be able to register as a Republican Classic; you have to prove your worth. In fact, I want this closed tent to also be hidden, so you have to know the right people, and if they trust you, then they’ll tell you where the tent is. And when you get the tent, there are like guards in front of it who will knock you to the ground and kick you shouting, “What are you doing at this tent? Explain yourself!”
Now that’s a party tough enough for America.

Hmm

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Was Wednesday my blogiversary? How did I miss that one? Anyway, that’s six years for us. I’ve reached the point where I can start sucking and still be an institution.
Or did I reach that point last year?

Operation Helpful Idiot Results – Part 6

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Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Hola,
Gracias for taking the leadership on halting the global warming crisis.
But WE (nombre cool!) can do more and ther are lots of grande ideas we can do togeatehr.
I think we should demand congress make people use less forest products like toilet paper because trees remove the greenhouse gas emission carbon dioxide (CO2).
By using water to clean orselves instead of toileet paper we can save trees and dilute the pollution in our waterways because dilution is the solution to much harmful chemicals used by greedy corporate agribusiness.
This is very easy to do. I do it all the time in the fields with water for irrigation.
If I can do it so can others.
Feel free to use my idea to make people change.
Tener Cuidado,
Duo Che Chorrear
“Larga vida a Obama”

What a wonderful site – you have given me lots of information to share with my friends as we commune with nature up here in the mountains.
I really wanted to share something that I think might help. Since our problems are all about how the stuff we get is messing up the planet – why not have some kind of place where people can donate stuff so that it can be buried or something and that will keep the carbon that would normally be used when stuff is like ordered and carried and bought and used would then be able to be held down.
Stuff It for the Planet!
Love and peace.
Your Friend
Sunshine

WE is great! WE was waiting for you! it’s about time someone did something…
I saw an artical on the internet which shows such promise but it’s from the UK so I wanted to make sure someone here in america knew about it, you can find it here:

link
If every cow had one of these, it would reduce GW and we would have so much methane we can use it to power our cars and reduce our depenency on foriegn oil and save even more GW!
I hate using GW because it reminds me of the initials of a certain “president” – ooh he burns me up!
Keep up the great WErk!!!! 😉
“moonpie”

I think we need a new national movement to ban soda pop and beer. The CO2 in beer and soda pop is what create the the fizz or foam. Why do we need fizz and foam? The world is in far to great of jeopardy to allow for any extra co2 to be emitted. I have to drive my car to work its to far to walk and there is no mass transit to take. So to reduce my CO2 I have stopped drinking soda pop and beer.
I know everyone can do their part.

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).

Operation Helpful Idiot Results – Part 5

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NOTE: I’m posting these in the order they arrived in my inbox. I’m somewhere around July 7th right now. I have to say that so far I’ve been consistently delighted with the entries.
Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Since the Democratic National Convention is bringing a huge amount of carbon into the Denver area, and Denver already has huge amounts of pollution anyway from being in a valley, It would be fantastic if the Democratic National Committee would build giant solar-powered turbines to put on top of some of the taller buildings downtown. These turbines would suck polluted air through a filter that would take all the pollution particles out of the air and leave clean fresh air. It would be a really nice way for us to give a lasting gift to the city of Denver for hosting the convention.
–Ami Horowitz

The trees are being cut down and we are all running out of oxygen! We need more oxygen to live. Gakkk Gakkkk. I can feel my brain running low on oxygen. Please give more attention to the trees before we all lose our ability to think clearly.
-Raiinbo Rice

Dear WE,
I am so excited to hear about your organization and me and my freinds will all join you to STOP GLOBAL WARMING NOW!
Is there a place for suggestions for the WE effort? I am always coming up with ideas for ways that WE can reduce global gas emmisions, among other things. For instance, I heard that GM had an electric car back in the 90s and they were all mysteriously recalled and no one knows why, but it is rumored that the big oil companies paid off GM because of how much that would hurt the oil industry. Why doesn’t anyone form an investigative committee to find out what really happened concerning these charges? Electric cars would go a long way towards reducing our dependence on big oil and would reduce our carbon footprint immediately.
I have lots of other ideas and would love to share them with you if you think that would be helpful. Please let me know who to contact.
Your supporter in the WEvolution!
Barry Love

Wow, my frined told me about you guys, and you are just so awesome!
I have so many ideas to help with climate change, but I’m not a scientist, so I don’t know if they would work or anything.
But something totally has to be done because the earth is going to melt. And that would really suck.
OK, fiist I was watching An Inconvenent Truth the other day for like the 11th time. It’s so hard to understand all the science! LOL I did go to college for teaching, but it was too hard. ( i’m sad about that because I really wanted to inspear some little kids). I was thinking that in the 70’s when all the carbon stuff starting filling our air was the time that we started using micrawave ovens. We shoudl totally stop that.
My mom says discos started in the 70’s (shes a republican so I don’t know if its the truth or not) and i think that maybe there was some weird connection from all the dry ice ad polyester used in discos and the atmosfere. Or maybe the beat of the music unbalanced the earth. I hope we dont’ have to elimnate disco, cuz I like it and my hairdresser is gay, but i would be willing to give it up if it saved the earth. I don’t wear polyestere so that would be ok.
I think too that we should go faster to the immishons of the car speed into the atmospfere like the spaceshuttle. And we should get out of Irak…my boyfriend says it’s only about oil anyway. That’s ok though becuase my car uses gas not oil.
Thank you for listening and saving our planet. You totally Rock!!!
Peacefull Vally

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).

Dumb Doctors

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So there’s this Reuters article about how some doctors are all worried about the Heller decision. Basically the doctors say, “Guns go bang! Guns bad! Wagga wagga!” How stupid are the people they’re letting be doctors these days? Did they get PhDs in getting their head stuck in a bucket? These people are so dumb we should make them wear pointy hats and oven mits and slap fight each other in an arena. Eventually they’ll beg for a gun to end their miserable existences, but they can’t have one.
And what a bang up job by Reuters. They just have a whole article of people who don’t know what the hell they’re talking about and they don’t even think to ask for a contrary opinion. What I don’t understand is it’s these people’s job to report the news — it’s what they get paid for — and they don’t even care. In a just world, people with a work ethic like that would be hobos.