Archive of entries posted on July 2008

Operation Helpful Idiot Results – Part 4

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Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Thank yiu fir doing your best to help climate change. If WE all work togther im sure we can get this done.
Honestly, this is all Bush’s fault for not letting Russia and Saudi Arbia have nukes. If they had nukes, it may be more dangers, but if there were less people, there would be less carbon pollution, which means that most of the world will be saved at the cost of a few. Also, a few nukes could raise up dust that covers the sky, blocking some of the sun’s rays to offset this awful thing weve done.
Thank you, and see you soon!
Vote Obama!

Hello fellow greenie!
My suggestion is simple and something I already do.
I no longer place my recyclable materials outside for collection. Instead, I ride my bike the twenty-three miles (one way) to the collection facility to deliver them in person.
If everyone would do this, it would help in two ways:
1. It would get the smog producing co2 trucks off the road.
2. It would get people more exercise and a chance to enjoy mother nature.
Thank you so much for letting me be part of We. I’m so excited to be part of the solution!
Al Gore is my president!
Eltwom Patel
(Eight Letters, Three Words, One Meaning – Love)

Dear WE,
I would just like to say how proud I am of all that you have done to hlep stop the impedning global warming crisis. There are several things that you should be aware of tho. Every time a bottle or can of beer is opened, it releases naughty gasses that are ruining our childrens atmosphere. You should try to get congress to repeal or impeach the 21st ammendment, making prohibition active once again!!!1 As we all know, alcohol is also a huge contributer to violence and murder… almost as much as firearms! So banning alcohol and firearms will help the world’s climate, and world peace. GO WE!!! I mean us.
Vote 4 Nader!
treelover81-89

Dear WE,
It’s great that we have WE to help us coordinate all the initiatives that we need to solve this problem.
There is so much more that we can do if we just work together. Personally, I am involved in an awareness campaign called “Critical Mass”. We ride bicycles in big groups right in the middle of the street. It slows down traffic and makes people drive slower (which
saves gas).
When we see a big SUV (like Tony Soprano drives) we get a few cyclists to surround the SUV and come to a complete stop. The SUV can’t move. These 5 minute “time outs” are really getting the message across.
We should really make big SUV’s illegal. If you need to fit a lot of stuff in your car, you should get a hybrid minivan. If you need to tow something, well, most of the stuff you tow is bad for the
environment (speedboats, snowmobiles).
Has WE looked into regulations that ban SUV’s that get under 25mpg?
Thanks,
Cassidy
Rutgers, New Brunswick

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).

lolterizt! Part 54

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Looks like everybody’s too busy pokin’ fun at the WEtards to poke fun at the terrorists.
That’s ok, I can get it this week.
Sorry it’s a day late. My soul-sucking day job mistakenly believes that overtime pay is reasonable compensation for not leaving me any free time during which to patriotically mock America’s enemies.
Bunch o’ stinkin’ commies.
Anyway, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

invisible midget.jpg
same size.jpg
flower beating.jpg
inverted morality.JPG
gonna get him.jpg
invisible midget.jpg
walking walking.jpg
[reference link for the young’uns]

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.
STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.
HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

It’s Up to Us to Stop the Asteroids

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My post last week about asteroids seemed to get a big reaction. That’s very heartening, because I was beginning to think that only I cared about asteroids. They could kill us all tomorrow, but the MSM just doesn’t seem to care.
They probably are in league with the asteroids! I was just thinking that too!
But who cares what side they’re on. They’re useless. Just like forest fires, stopping asteroids is up to us. And if you think this is a laughing matter, why don’t you ask the dinosaurs about them?
You can’t, because they’re all dead!
That’s right. The asteroids killed all the dinosaurs while sparing almost everything else. That’s called genocide. I could almost understand asteroids if they just mindlessly killed everything, but they’re something more evil about the thought that goes into genocide. The asteroids were like, “The dinosaurs think they rule the planet, but let’s kill them all and show them who is powerful!” After their killing was done, they turned to the dragonflies, birds, and giant sloths and said, “If any of you gets uppity, we’ll be back!”
So who do you think the asteroids are going to genocide this time? The squirrels? No, they’re coming for humanity. They’re jealous of our shiny building and Nintendo Wiis and they are going to kill us for it. The question becomes who is in league with the asteroids? Who benefits most from the destruction of humanity? The Irish? The teamsters? Hippies?
I think we know the answer: Monkeys. They also hate humanity, and thus are a natural ally of the asteroids. They believe that an asteroid must kill all humans so they can have their planet of the apes as prophesied by the monkey god Hanuman. They probably have some special monkey signal to direct the asteroids towards us and tell them when our defenses our down. It’s probably a little monkey dance of some sort. You’ll be like, “Oh! Look at the cute monkey!” and then BAM! You’re dead. And then God won’t let you into Heaven for watching an unclean animal dance.
It’s the perfect plan, so we have to be even perfecter.
I asked the presidential candidates what their plans are for dealing with the asteroids. Here is how McCain responded:

“I’ve twice lived through a giant asteroids colliding with the earth, and it was no big deal. Frankly, I think all the asteroids and Mexicans that want to come to America should be allowed to come, and if any of you conservatives complain about it I’ll have you locked up for violating campaign finance law!”

And here is what Obama said:

“This is an issue I’ve thought deeply about, as reflected by my strongly voting ‘present’ on the Defense Against Asteroids bill. We have to look at both sides and realize that through hope and change, we can come to the appropriate conclusion. What we shouldn’t do is be cynical. That’s why I–“

At that point, I grabbed him by his ears, shook and him, and yelled, “Just answer the question!” but he started crying.
Obviously, the government is useless. We have to handle the asteroids ourselves. We need to form an asteroid watch, where we all take turns watching the skies for asteroids. And it’s not just the ones coming near us we have to worry about; there are also the ones that come near on a reconnaissance mission.
And then we have to strike back at them!
That’s right. They’ll just be sitting at home in the asteroid belt and then POW! They get hit by something and get a taste of their own medicine. So what’s heavy we can launch at them? I’m thinking canned food. Everyone go door to door and tell people you’re collecting can food to launch at asteroids. With enough time and effort, we can strike back at those asteroids. There won’t be any safe haven for them. For too long we’ve left them alone to plot against us, but now we’re going to force them out of our solar system.
Or they’ll just get really angry and hit us all at once. But, hey, better to go down fighting.

Operation Helpful Idiot Results – Part 3

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Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
It is so cool to finally see a site that takes our impending climate tradgedy seriously. If it’s ok, I would like to make a suggestion about how we could stop the global warming. Take everyone’s shoe size, and give them like 1,000 kw of energy for every square inch that their foot covers. That’s all you get man. use it wisely. It would really bring home the idea of a carbon footprint t oeveryone. thanks for readin’ and keep up the crazy, dudes and dudettes. I’m outta here.
Wendall Lugo (like Yugo)

Dear WE,
I LOVE it that everybody is finally figuring tht we HAVE to do somtehing to stop Big Oil in it’s rape of Mother Earth. Thanks for actually DOING something.
Stick with me here bcz I have a great way to provide both clean energy and stop global warming. Carbon Dioxide is made up of a Carbon atom and 2 OXYGEN atoms. As we all know, Oxygen burns. So – if we simply passed a law that required all energy companies to seperate Carbon from the Oxygen in the AIR (it’s right there – they don’t even have to MINE it!) and then burn the Oxygen, we get both clean energy and less GW.
We can then use the Carbon atoms left over and make carbon nanotubes and we can then make steel OBSOLETE and that will ALSO clean up the earth.
I would be happy to share my idea with anybody or sign a petition or something to help you take ACTION on greenhouse gas.
Thx.
Get us OUT of IRAQ
www.teensforbarackobama.com
GaiasGreat Moonbeam

Name: Sequoia Fernbottom
Subject: We Can!
Message:
Love this site! It really is just as simple as belief and motion forward.
I’d love to add a suggestion, maybe something that can get people off their cans, so to speak, to see that they “can”, too! Flatulence is such an important contributor to what we’re all inflicting the Earth Mother with, as we all know. She’s given us such a perfect mechanism for handling CO2, in plants and oceans – think of it, she’s given us the way to clean up our mess. She’s forgiven us our sins, as we forgive, well, sorry to digress into a patriarchal religious taunt.
Anyway, I think if we all committed to using our office- and house- plants, and lakes and rivers and oceans as “cans” (you know, the kind you crap in), we put our detritous as close as possible to the Earth Mother’s cleansing mechanism, so that it spends less time exposed to the air to pollute it with CO2, and we CAN solve the problem! We CAN! Perfect. Brilliant.
Wiping out the climate crisis, one leaf at a time,
Sequoia

Hi foks – really excited about your website and group. I do have a suggestion for you to consider as you lobby congress. Can we expand Planned Parenthood’s phenomenal US success overseas – especially to places like Africa and the Middle East? It seems that our fundamental problem is overpopulation – to many people with scarce resources. If we can make abortion available everywhere there will be far fewer babies competing for the teat of our blessed Mother Gaia (literally and figuratively!). Maybe we can look into imposing forced birth control/abortions on these people since they obviously are too poor and stupid to control their animal like breeding. It’s not like they are contributing anything important to the world. Anyhoo – keep up the good work and after next year we should have our new lightworker president who will bring us change and hopitude. Obey Obama!! Peace!
E. C. Thelion
Of the Fountain
Gondolin, ME 1Age

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).

Racist Toddlers

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The UK is on alert for racist toddlers. And not just the obvious racism like when a toddler sets fire to a cross on someone’s lawn, but the more hidden racism like when a toddler says “Yuk!” about foreign foods (my wife never lets me get away with such racism towards the food she makes and will throttle me greatly for any incidents). The question, of course, is how did England become filled with such racist toddlers?
I’m guessing it’s the crumpets. I know what you’re saying: “Of course! Crumpets! That’s explains everything!” But not so fast. It’s not just the crumpets. There is also the tea. My theory is that when you mix tea with crumpets, you create a erudite Archie Bunker. And children are getting access to tea and crumpets at increasingly earlier ages, hence the racist toddlers. This is an extreme detriment to England as it makes them hate their fellow man instead of their real enemy who aren’t even human: The Irish.
I agree with the National Children’s Bureau that it’s time to crack down on these snot-nosed racists. If you see a toddler say “Yuk!” about a food, you grab him by his shirt collar and shout, “Shut up, you little racist! I will murder you and mail your body parts back to your mother!” And be alert for other forms of racism, such as a toddler liking Elmo but not Grover saying, “Blue muppets smell.” You slap that little punk and tell him, “The only difference between red and blue muppets is the color they use to dye the felt! They’re all the same inside! And they all smell; that’s because of the glue they use in them.”
We have to stop racism one frightened child at a time.

A Story, Bit by Bit
Hellbender: Chapter 34 – Disguise

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PREVIOUS
“Nice kitty.”
Bryce kept his distance. “I don’t think it’s a kitty, Tri-Lu.”
The creature cocked its head sideways to get a better look at the three of them. “I don’t know what he is.” Lulu slowly reached towards it. “But I have to call him something, so I’m calling him a kitty.”
Charlene pulled Lulu back. “Let’s not feed the kitty.”
Lulu wasn’t sure if it was a genetically engineered giant lizard or a resurrected dinosaur, but it stood more than fifteen feet tall and had wings for arms. Mounted on its back were some guns and what looked like a rocket launcher. It was unrestrained and seemed unconcerned with all the people moving about the base. “I don’t think it will eat us,” Lulu said. “It’s probably only allowed to eat a special diet of tofu and fresh baby badgers.”
Charlene stared at the creature with a mixture of concern and disgust. “So it will rip us apart with its teeth but not digest us is what you’re saying?”
“I doubt he even has teeth. I’m going to name him Mr. Muffin.” Lulu reached for the lizard again, and the Mr. Muffin opened it mouth revealing inch long blades. Lulu yanked back her hand. “Okay, I guess he does have teeth. Bad Mr. Muffin! You scared me!”
Bryce tried to get a better look of the equipment on Mr. Muffin’s back. “So are people supposed to ride it?”
“It’s idiotic,” Charlene exclaimed, and then backed a few steps away. “There’s no advantage to this over a jet fighter.”
“It’s called style, Char.” Lulu pirouetted. “Everyone else can go around in their boring fighter planes and stupid uniforms while Serpine’s people fly around on giant lizard looking like golden knights.” Lulu loved the uniforms they stole at Stan’s direction. They had normal material underneath, but on top had golden metal plates making it look like they were wearing armor. Plus, her breastplate was molded for her feminine physique. “And isn’t it nice to have a uniform that’s functional while still emphasizing one’s femininity?”
“Mine isn’t emphasizing my femininity.” Bryce looked down at his flat breastplate. “Wish I had metal boobs.”
“So what are you planning on putting in there?” Lulu knocked on Charlene’s chest piece.
She smacked Lulu roughly on the back of the head. “Don’t touch me.”
“Ow! You be nice or I’ll shoot you with my laser gun!” The rifles they got were shiny, smooth, golden things that looked more fancy than the regular cartridge firing rifles they were underneath. Lulu aimed her gun up at an imaginary target. “Pew! Pew!” Lulu noticed the confused looks on her compatriots. “That’s the sound a laser gun makes. You guys should study science more.”
“These guns are idiotic,” Charlene said. “These uniforms are idiotic. The giant lizard weapon is idiotic. Serpine’s whole military is idiotic. She is a nut.”
“She could be worse.” Bryce looked up at the blackness blocking the sky above them that was Loch’s chariot.
There were creatures flying around the craft, and they didn’t seem as nice as Lulu’s new kitty friend. “Yeah, glad he’s on the side we’re pretending to be on.”
“Where are your helmets?”
Lulu turned around to see a six-foot tall woman looking at them scornfully. Her metal uniform covered the important bits and pretty much nothing else. “Um… I guess they’re still back in the truck that we stole the uniforms from.”
“Get ready for the assault or I’ll rip your little head off!” The woman stormed off.
Charlene looked quite stunned. “Did we just get ordered around by a woman in a metal bikini?”
Bryce nodded. “That was awesome.”
“She must be one of the Hollow,” Lulu said. “When your whole body isn’t real, you don’t have to worry about practicality in your outfits. Must be pretty cool.” She turned back to the lizard. “You should have bit the mean woman and defended your mommy, Mr. Muffin!”
Charlene smacked Lulu on the head again. “You aren’t the rocket launching lizard’s mommy. Can we get to this?” She walked off towards a nearby building and Bryce and Lulu followed.
Lulu rubbed the back of her head. “Maybe I should have gotten the helmet.”
“There were stupid looking,” Bryce said.
“They’d be neat if they had horns like a Viking helmet.”
“Will you two shut up?” Charlene approached the door to one of the hangars and looked around briefly to make sure no one was watching them. “After we do this, let’s not ever see each other ever again.”
They entered and inside there were a number of unattended transport vehicles. “These look normal,” Bryce said. “Shouldn’t they be pulled by pegasi or something?”
“You’d think.” Charlene opened the door of one and checked inside. “Serpine’s military is just too idiotic to live. I really hope everyone here gets killed in the attack.”
Bryce checked out the driver seat. “I hope everyone on both sides gets killed.”
“Except for us,” Lulu said. “And Doug.”
“Of course not us or Doug,” Bryce answered. “I like living, and this is all kinda pointless if Doug gets killed.”
“Nothing is pointless if you learn something,” Lulu corrected him.
“So what have you been learning?”
Lulu turned around to see six soldiers entering the hangar. “Hey, guys. We were just checking out the…” She noticed they were all women and had some smug little smiles on their faces. “Oh crap. Not you guys again.”
“Hello, Hellbender,” one of the Amazons said, she having remembered the helmet with her disguise. “Ends up Elza has use for you. You should be honored.”
“And we totally are,” Lulu replied. “It’s just were on a tight schedule right now, so as much as we’d like to help you guys, why don’t we– KILL THEM!” Lulu fired her rifle at the six, but nothing happened. They stood watching in amusement as each trigger pull caused nothing more to happen than a little clicking noise. Lulu saw that Bryce was now beside her, having no more luck with his rifle. Lulu stopped pulling the trigger and took careful aim at one the Amazons. “Pew! Pew!”
Lulu looked behind her to see that Charlene hadn’t even raised her weapon. Instead she stared at Lulu and Bryce with a grave expression. “Um… Char,” Bryce said to her, “we’re having a little weapon trouble. You want to help us out?”
“I… I disarmed them.” Charlene moved away from them.
Lulu looked again to the smiles of their enemies and back to Charlene. “What’s going on?”
Charlene slowly walked over to stand with the Amazons. “I’m sorry, guys, but things have gotten bigger than the four of us.”
NEXT

You Should Vote for Me
An Editorial by Senator Barack Obama

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 I’m Barack Obama! I’m running for president. You should vote for me. I’m a new politician. Remember when M&Ms came out with blue M&Ms and you ran to the store yelling, “Yay! A brand new candy!”? Well, I’m just like that. I’m a brand new politician. I promise hope and change. No politician has ever promised that before. Also, my opponent is not new. I think pretty much everyone agrees he is a very old politician. Also, he might get angry and hit you. I heard that somewhere.

 But know what makes me newest and bestest? This is a secret, so you can’t tell anyone. Do you promise you’ll keep this just between you and me? You promise? Okay, here it is…

Continue reading ‘You Should Vote for Me
An Editorial by Senator Barack Obama’ »

The Weekend

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Hey, ronin. Sorry I didn’t have a special Independence Day post, but I was all relaxing this weekend. On the 4th, SarahK and I went whitewater rafting (a very American activity) during which we saw a bald eagle fly over head. I think that’s about as an American weekend as you can have without shooting terrorists. So what were you all up to?
BTW, new Hellbender will post late this afternoon. I’d like to get those out more often, but they’re getting tougher to write. Thanks for the patience of those reading them.

Operation Helpful Idiot Results – Part 2

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More Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Dear WE,
Ever since my girlfriend took me to see “An Inconvienient Truth” there has been no issue so important to me as global Warming. I’m so glad there is a place where like minded individuals can get to gether for change. My hope is that we cn make a difference to help stop the effects of Global Warming.
There is a lot WE should be doing, and our government run by Bushitler and his cronies like Dirk Kempthorne and Robert Gates aren’t doing enough. We’ve desimated two countries for oil. Now we are sucking up all of the earth’s resources to keep Bush’s war machine rolling. And what of the people in these countries we invade? They resort to terroisim and opium growing as their only means of providing for their families.
If we are going to spend over 150 billion this year on war, and have our shock troops invading every country they find a can of oil in, can’t we get them to at least try to minimlize their carbon foot print? (I don’t know how much fuel a Battle tank uses, but it’s got to be a lot.) If the Millitary could convert all their vehicles from Unleaded gas to ethanol that would atleast help. Also maybe we could start ethanol programs in these countries to help their economy. Growing corn is better than making Heroin. I read somewhere that Iraq used to be a very fertile area. But I read that in the bible, and if I believed everything in that book I wouldn’t be voting for a black man come this November.
If you guys are putting up suggestions please keep mine in mind. I love thinking new way to be green.
WE care about CLEAN AIR
Jamie “windsong” Dayspring

WE:
I wanted to encourage you keep fighting the good fight! If you can bring Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson together to combat the lies comng from the Conservative Noise Machine, then together WE can all bring globull warming to its knees!
In that vein, I have a possible suggestion to help us all fight the good fight…
Everyone in my circle of friends knows that co2 is caused by humans expelling their breath into the atmosphere. Well, what would happen if we coordinated with, like, TicTacs to invent a breath scrubber mint that can reduce the level of co2 emited by peeple by 60%?! There are 6 billion people on the planet, and if each person ate 10 TicTac scrubbing mints, that’d be 60 billion TicTacs per year. We could share the profits with TicTac and have lots more money at our disposal to evangelize about climate changings. My mom said it’s a great idea, so I thought I’d share it with you.
Thanks for listening, and together WE can kill co2 furever!
Ron Paul ’08!!!,
Apolo Creide

I am so happy about the WE porject! Our Earth is dying.
I think that our govurment should do something to cut c02 omissions by at least 80 percent.
They should force people to ride bicicles and use mass transit. Business should not be able to polute at all. They could put people in jail for not recycling or driving a car or pulluting. then the people we put in jail could be forced to pedal bicicles that genurate electricity.
Keep on keeping on
Aires Lovetree
Kucinich for president!

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).

Lost Their Freakin’ Minds, They Did

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Well, the Lefties must be snorting big fat lines of pure, crystal, uncut stupid these days, because the dang fools are off their rickety little rockers.
They’re attacking McCain’s military service record, on the theory that this will somehow make their never-been-anything-but-a-civilian (and not a very good one, at that) candidate Barack Obama more electable.
McCain…
vs…
Obama…
… on the issue of prior military service…
I guess we know who’s gonna get a chair smashed over his head in THAT cage match.
Seriously, this is just INSANE. It’s like Shaq getting challenged by Tom Cruise to some one-on-one hoops.
It’s like… it’s like…

Tastes like FAIL
  • Michaelangelo vs. Ted Rall
  • Kirsten Dunst vs. Nancy Pelosi
  • Godzilla vs. Bambi
  • Pistol vs. scimitar
  • iPod vs. Victrola
  • Nukes vs. Japs
  • Gravity vs. supermodel
  • The previous example vs. tact
  • Corvette vs. Yugo
  • Bugs vs. Elmer
  • Fred Thompson vs…. well, anybody.
  • Moby vs. Ahab
  • Kirk vs. Picard (you KNOW it’s true)
  • Internet porn vs. everything else you CLAIM to be using the internet for.

Anyone else got a comparison?

It’s Up to Me to Save the World

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A lot of people take politics really seriously. They’re like, “If Obama gets elected or McCain gets elected and lets all the illegal immigrants in America, the world is going to end!” That’s stupid. The way the world is going to end is if it gets hit by an asteroid. With everyone worrying about the stupid election, I don’t think anyone is paying attention to the asteroids. One could hit us tomorrow and that’s like it. We’re all dead. Are the candidates talking about asteroids? No. They’re talking about the economy and gas prices. Well, that’s not going to help us. Doesn’t matter if we have a lot of money; you can’t bribe an asteroid. And I don’t know what you’ll do with gas to try and stop the asteroid except maybe coat it in it and set it on fire — which will just get you a big flaming asteroid which is even worse.
Right now, the asteroids are hiding out between Jupiter and Mars plotting and planning and making their physics calculations on exactly how to launch themselves to hit us. If we want to stop them, we need a plan. Hundreds of years ago, the asteroids killed the dinosaurs. Know why? They didn’t have a plan. We’re going to be different.
And the plan is not going to be, “Let’s just shoot the asteroid and blow it up.” This isn’t some videogame; you can’t stop rock by shooting it. It’s not a gorilla. And if you did play the videogame, you’ll know that even if you succeed, you’ll just turn the asteroid into multiple smaller asteroids which are just as deadly. We need a smart plan to stop the asteroids.
I got one. Here’s what we’ll do: We’ll paint Mars blue. The asteroids will see Mars, think it’s us, and hit it instead. It’s simple and it will work. So you’re asking, “Why not paint Venus? It’s the same size and should make a more convincing Earth.” That’s idiotic. For one thing, it’s super-hot there, so how the hell do you plan on painting it? Also, it’s further away from the asteroid belt than us, so the asteroids will see the real Earth before seeing the decoy Earth. Painting Venus is a truly idiotic plan. You’re disgustingly stupid for even suggesting it. This is why I sometimes think of just giving up blogging because I just can’t deal with people as stupid as you are.
So anyway, we’re painting Mars blue. And before you think, “Won’t that be like a million trip to the paint-mixer at Lowe’s?” realize that it doesn’t all have to be like the perfectly same shade of blue. We can take all the blues they have ready on the shelf and maybe even some greens. Asteroids don’t have great eyesight; Mars just has to look bluish. The next thing you may be wondering is, “Since Mars is red, won’t painting it blue just make it purple?”
Oh crap. You’re right. I’m so stupid! Why didn’t I think of that? What do you mix red with to get blue? I don’t think you can mix anything to red to get blue. Crap. I guess we could prime it first, but that would take way too long. And you have to wait a couple hours after priming it for it to dry. The asteroids will get us by then. That’s not going to work.
Great. Now we’re all going to die from asteroids hitting us because I can’t come up with a plan. And it’s up to me to come up with a plan. I’m the only one paying attention to this. Just look at Instapundit; he’s talking about the economy and Obama — things that are completely worthless when you get hit by an asteroid. And when did his URL change? Doesn’t matter. We’re dead. An asteroid is going to come and–
Oh! I have an idea! We’ll need to make some giant rockets near the equator. Maybe in Ecuador, because I think that’s near the equator because it’s name kinda sound like equator. Anyway, we don’t have time to check that; get over to Equador and start building rockets which will have their exhaust pointing straight up into the sky. People in Ecuador probably don’t understand about things like asteroids, so if they ask you what you’re doing, just say, “Not building giant rockets, so shut up and stop bothering me.” You might have to say it in Spanish, because I think it’s what they speak there. Again, we don’t have time to check.
Anyway, when we see an asteroid is about to hit us, we wait until Earth rotates so that the rockets are in the proper position and then we fire them up, propelling Earth even faster around its path around the sun moving it out of the way of the asteroid. I guess we’d have to know about the asteroid a day in advance to make sure we have time for the rockets to get in position. We could reduce that time by having rockets on the opposite side of the Earth too. I’m not sure where that would be. Maybe Mongolia. Again, we don’t have time to check. Just get over there and start building rockets. Watch out for Mongols.
While this should work, know that when we have to use it, we’re going to lose some days that year by having moved Earth further around its revolution. I’m not sure how that will affect the economy or TV schedules if we lose some days out of the year. Around the end of the year, we’ll be like, “Shouldn’t we have a few more days left this year?” But no, the year will already be over.
So, there will be problems, but we won’t be hit with asteroids… unless one comes at us to trick us into firing our rockets launching us into the path of another. Do asteroids plan together like that? If they do, I’m not sure what we can do. Crap. I guess this is why people ignore asteroids: It’s just too much to deal with. You’ll go crazy.

Operation Helpful Idiot Results – Part 1

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Some Operation Helpful Idiot suggestions for your reading pleasure. Actual authors may claim credit in the comments if they choose.
You may safely assume that all typos were intentional.

Dear WE,
This is such an awesome group. Every time I see a new organic product at my whole food store or a baby wearing an eco-friendly onesie, I know that WE are making a difference.
Here’s something I’ve been thinking about that I think WE can do. What if the government past a law that required people to start using solar power on there houses. All that solar engery being absorbed would decrease the solar engery that is causeing the global warmning!
WE CAN DO IT!
Amber Saves

Hewo,
My name is slim shady, erm Matt, and I think WEsistance can do more for the world around us. The first problem is that we all fart. That is destorying the world and it needs to be illegal. I also we need to stop cWEmating people because that is bad nEWs for us and I have asthma and can’t breath in the air. BTW news has WE spelled Backwads, isn’t that cool? Go Al Gore president 2000 !!! NOT…ouch soft spot.

Someone should start a campaign to make Polar Bears vital to the US economy. When Big O takes charge, He can find a way to turn PB urine and/or feces into a renewable fuel. Instead of sucking the lifeblood out of our mother, we would be SAVING two birds with one stone. Image an horizon void of oil derricks, with free range polar bear roaming the country-side. How can you get an idea like this rolling?
Vote Out Bu$Hitler McChimpy – Osama for PKresident!!!!
piece, out.
pieceweaver

1) WE should demand Congress institute a, say, $0.10/stamp tax on all first-class letters, and a per-pound tax on all packages. This will discourage people from mailing things, thus preserving forests (less paper) and requiring fewer post-office deliveries.
2) WE should demand Congress mandate that all box-office movies be available on pay-per-view within a month of their theater release. This will encourage people to stay home and watch movies instead of going to the theater. If this is not feasible, then make it optional, and tax companies that don’t do this and give breaks to companies that do.
3) Passenger airlines should be given landing priority over private jets. WE could have a sort of HOV-lane for airplanes! Corporate types who typically charter private planes because they’re in a hurry would then have an incentive to fly commercial or risk being stuck in the air for a while.
4) I want to have a day where people walk to work/the store/school/wherever as much as possible. If we get a good coordinated effort, we could get a lot of press on the local news. If we do this at the high point of summer, it would really show the simultaneous problems of global warming and of running out of fuel before alternatives are found.

Like those? Say so.
Think you can do better? Then do so.
Submit your Helpful Idiot suggestion for stopping evil climate change to the WEtard contact page, then send a copy to me at WEsistance@gmail.com for possible future publication at IMAO (if it doesn’t suck too terribly bad).

Saving a Drowning Bear: A New Breed of Badassery

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Though killing a bear with your bare hands is pretty cool, I guess rescuing a drowning bear is even more badass somehow. I don’t know how you’d top that story if someone told it to you at a bar.
“I once saved a drowning bear. It tried to rip my head off the entire time, but I didn’t care.”
“Bah. I once wrestled a crazed rhinoceros to the ground, gave it an eye test, and got it prescription eye wear.”
“Like that’s hard. I taught a king cobra the true meaning of Christmas.”
“Sissies. I once helped a great white shark go through rehab. It was rough for a while, but he hasn’t touched drugs in three years.”
“That’s nothing. I taught a rabid wolverine to release its anger through knitting and Irish step dance.”
“I guess that’s impressive… for a little girl… who’s a flaming homo. I dragged a crocodile right out of the jungle, and it was kicking and biting at me the whole time. I then sat him down and made him reassess his life. With a little help from me, he went and got his GED and then job at the bank. He now owns a house in Minnesota. Just got a postcard from him the other day; he’s on a European cruise with his family. Now get me another beer, bitch!”