A scientist is saying that in the next four years he thinks he’ll be able to resurrect the woolly mammoth. And how will he do this? With Science!
A woolly mammoth is just like an African elephant but bigger and covered in hair, so this is great news for people whose main complaint about the African elephant was that it’s not big enough and not fluffy enough. But for those of us hoping scientists bring back the dinosaurs so they could be mounted with rocket launchers, this seems like it could be good news. If we resurrect woolly mammoths, could dinosaurs be far behind? Well, yes, since we don’t have frozen remains of them. I guess they could resurrect a dodo bird next, which if you’re being really technical would be resurrecting a dinosaur though no one would really count that because it’s too small for rocket launchers. I guess in the meantime we could mount rocket launchers on the woolly mammoth, but every time they’d launch they’d burn its hair and it would smell awful.
Still, exciting! Science!
We also have a dilemma. If Science! is able to bring back dinosaurs, will we equip them with lasers or rocket launchers? I favor a combination of weapos, some with lasers others with rocket launchers. I thing we should even have a few equipped with Gatling cannons and 155mm howitzers. Who says dinosaurs have to be restricted in their weaponery?
Oh great. Just what the world needs – a hippie elephant.
“I guess they could resurrect a dodo bird next,”
We have, you people elected it president.
Great, the last thing we need is zombie mammoths running around.
I’m glad we’ve taken this first step in bringing back dinosaurs that we can equip with rockets and laser but I’d submit that this is the wrong dinosaur for the task.
By it’s very nature it’s woolly, which as we all know makes for a terrible launching platform. Their wool is a fire hazard which could lead to an unstable plat form. The last thing we need is a gigantic fireball running wildly and mowing down hippies…….on second thought that might be just the platform we’re looking for.
Carry on scientist and hurry up with the T-Rex I can’t wait to shoot one and mount it above my fireplace.
Sweet! When they bring these suckers back and put them in godforsaken places like the Yukon, North Dakota, and California, I’ll sponsor an official IMAO Dangerous Game Hunt. You are all cordially invited to IMAO’s First Annual Dangerous Game Hunt!
This is actually a good thing as wooly mammoths could be used as street cleaners in places like Berkeley, where they fit right in with the hairy crowd of street people. Just put on your dark glasses, get a white cane, and harness your mammoth for a walk down Telegraph Avenue. His big feet will invariably squish several street loungers and the long hair will cover it up. Even if you’re discovered, you can say “oh, did my puppy get in your way?” and just walk on because everybody loves puppies, especially if they are used as service animals. Downside? Cleaning out hairy anarchist from between your mammoth’s toes. In just a couple of months, Berkeley could be made nice again.
What a terrible idea! Woolly mammoths are itchy! Now, cashmere mammoths…sooooofffft.
This just in: Authorities in Islamic nations just declared attempts to bring back the woolly mammoth as a Zionist plot to form legions woolly mammoths with which to attack them. Silly Islamic authorities, the Zionists are working to bring back dinosaurs for that very purpose. Still, the same Islamic authorities issued a fatwa against all pachyderms just in case the clever Zionists glue wool on elephants to fool the Muslims into thinking it’s woolly mammoths attacking them.
MarkoMancuso, I wonder if they will taste like chicken?
Also wondering if they have nappy headed mammoths. just asking for Don as I know he is curious but probably wont ask.
Can’t wait. I bet they are really tasty. Plus thing of the huge boon to the fur industry! I can’t wait to have a mammoth lined coat.
I bet they are really tasty
I doubt we made them extinct the first time because we didn’t like the way they tasted.
You hollow them out, start a fire in their innards and slow roast ’em from the inside out.
Mmmm, mmm.
I want to make like Fred Flintstone and have my car topple over when I get my tray of Mammoth ribs at Sonic.
I do have to wonder why they’re not talking about mastodons.
Is it because they’re bully on wooly?
*smack*
Sorry.
Lars, I cannot say. My concern at the moment is finding the right rifle. I love the old aught six, but I admit he’s probably to small for the job.
I think you’re gonna need a .50 cal to bring those suckers down, Marko. They’re much bigger than elephants. Maybe even a 20 or 30mm something or other. Superior firepowers means never having to say “sorry, but the gun I used wasn’t big enough to put down that woolly mammoth that went ahead and trampled your hairy, smelly hippy ass and your Chevy Volt as well. On second thought, it’s not like anything really bad happened.”
Sciene vs God. HE wins every time and doesn’t even have to show up for the match.
Silly scientists.
They’ll start with the mammoth, then use what they’ve learned to splice the mammoth DNA into the Dodo, to get a really BIG BIRD! Mammoths and Big Birds belong together.
Can’t wait to taste the ribs! The tusks would be cool over my door also as a reminder to evil-doers that I am a slayer of Wooly Mammoths and you are like a small time punk in comparison so you should move on to a real victim!!! Then I would carpet my floor with Wooly! How cool would that be! I suppose some weener will show up and be like all up in my face about environmental stuff and Greenpeace and such to which I will pull out my .50 caliber and say “I know what you are thinking, did he fire 5 shots or six to bring down the Mammoth, well in all the excitement I can’t remember myself…well do you feel lucky punk?” That would be so awesome!
What do you get when you cross Big Bird with a woolly mammoth? A giant yellow pecker that likes to “stomp the yard”
Of course we have to resurrect the woolly mammoth first. Otherwise what will the dinosaurs eat? We can’t just feed them regular elephant.
Also most extinct animals are tasty. Do you think a slow breeder like the panda would still be around if they were as tasty as the passenger pigeon?
This is nothing but good news. Wooly mammoths could help me in my plan to take over the world. One day there will be artistic depictions of me riding the mammoths into battle a la “Return of the King”-style. Until then, I could at least use one to get through DC area traffic waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay faster.
Marco, I thought at least a bazooka if not a cannon. But probably better yet would be a space laser.
C’mon, they can’t be all that fast and fierce. Our forebears killed ’em with little spears. Personally, I don’t plan to be around for the hunt. I feel a calling to be the sketch artist who does the murals on cave walls.
What biologists haven’t told you is that the wooly mammoths were wooly because they wore fur. Mink fur. Fur is MURDER! PETA is going to riot when this goes down.
Well, I guess this piece of news solves one of our big governmental problems. I mean, if we can resurrect extinct beasts from cold, dead carcasses, then we really don’t need the damb* ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY or their damb* ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST anymore, then, do we?
Federal budget-cutting ceremony in ten… nine… eight…
(* a technical jargon word, and not the cuss-word that it sounds like.)
These scientist need to be very careful. If they screw this up we may not have tasty mammoths but instead have a bantha problem. Then the sand people show up and it’s nothing but trouble.
Has anyone seen the estimate of how much Rogain will be used in this experiment?
The great ivory hunter, WDM Bell slew literally hundreds of elephants with the .275 Rigby, known by everyone but the British gunmakers as the 7mm Mauser. That being the case there is no reason to think a Mastodon or Wolley Mammoth would need anything bigger than, say, the .338 Winchester or .35 Whelan. What counts is not the size of the bullet but the skill of the shooter.
If all else fails, we can always drive a herd of mammoths of the side of a cliff using torches. It is what our ancestors did, though it does seem to be kind of wasteful when you only need a couple to fee the tribe.
American Indians did the same thing to buffalo, and a good deal of the meat would go bad, because there was always more dead buffalo then hungry Indians whenever they drove an entire heard off of a cliff. We aren’t supposed to talk about that though, as officially the Amerindians were a magical people who never wasted any part of an animal, and lived in perfect harmony with nature, and we are too stupid to understand, and need to go back to living like our ancestors, except with less meat eating, and fur wearing.
Then we can train it to wear a dress and ride a unicycle. Science is awesome!
So would a Wooly Motorcycle Jacket be cool or would one get beat up at the first biker bar that he stops at. I’m thinking nad punch if a Wooly Jacket shows up but maybe not…
Can a Wooly Mammoth carry a GAU -8/A Avenger 30- mm like the one mounted in the A-10? That would be cool. I suppose he would have to be running forward when you pull the trigger because the recoil is said to slow down the A-10 and only short bursts can be used at full throttle. For serious business, we need a Sauropod that can carry a Rail Gun.
@25 Keith is on the money. Put a Delta Smelt in an ice cube and call an end to the man (as in liberal) caused drought of the San Joaquin Valley. Yay!
You know some Good Ol’ Boy is already working on a smoker big enough for this critter.
Now we need to know if they taste better with sweet or hot BBQ sauce.
Gonna need a hell of a lot of slaw though.
Can they make one that talks like Ray Romano? Everyone loves Raymond!
The first question that comes to mind is Why? Really WHY?
Wait I know. If they can bring back the mammoth why stop there. There are soooooooooo many people to reanimate. Genghis Kahn, Rasputin, Napoleon, Hitler, Vlad the Impaler to name just a few. Just think of the thing we could learn from these denizens of the seventh ring of Dante’s hell.
The mind boggles.