This is a cold confusing world isn’t it? Well, close the DOOR! Do you think we’re made of money?
Anyway, it’s time for Ask Dr. Duck: The segment I do each week (yup, I’ve decided to make it a regular post) where I offer my love and guidance. Well – my guidance at least.
Do you have a question on your mind? Love? Life? Relationships? Politics?
The Doctor is in. Remember, I’m just like a real doctor except I have no credentials and no training.
Disclaimer: Dr. Duck is not a real doctor. He’s also not a real duck. But he is Mexican and has darker skin than Bryant Gumbel. But then again, so does Michael Jackson. Bryant is funny – I hope he says something again. Anyway, Dr. Duck’s advice is offered for entertainment purposes – should you choose to follow any of his advice – now THAT would be entertainment. Results guaranteed or your money back. No refunds. Store credit only. IMAO has a strict policy that says, “You break it – you buy it.” Questions may be submitted by posting in comments, by email at rightwingduck at yahoo dotcom or by snail mail: RWD, North Pole – C/O Santa Claus.
Answers posted on Friday.
Archive of entries posted on February 2006
Guess I Picked Out the Wrong Size Doggy Door
Carvinal Off Codemy Redminer
Damian G. (whihc wlli bee teh olny wrod II spel corectly inn thsi psot) wili bee hsoting teh carvinal of codemy att Conservastink onn thrusday.
Marhc 2nd – #44 -: Christobal att Platopuke Socialitis.
Mrach 9th- #45 – Bobb att Ether Ore
Mcrah 16th – #46 – Been att Been’s Raints
Wnat too hoset? emale mee att spaazemunkey@imao.us wtih “Hose Carvinal Off Codemy” asthe snubject.
Wnat too inter? Goe heer, oar hear ore weel bea misupelling Eeew neckst!
Sometimes It’s Hard to Come Up with a Clever Little Title for Everything
Lots of stuff came up today, so your regularly scheduled In My World™ will have to wait until tomorrow.
The wacky comment SarahK found reminds me that I have a DVD of an interview Sgt. Joe foo’ the Marine gave to a local station in Idaho in December. It’s half an hour long with two thirds of the show about Toys for Tots, but, in the first third, my brother tells all about his experience in Iraq, what it was like dealing with Iraqis, about being a translator (foo’ taught himself to speak Arabic on his own time), and about when his group found a giant (perhaps the largest found) weapons cache… which even had a prisoner kept there. What software do I need to rip the video from the DVD, and how much can I legally show before I have to ask permission (I know that people like the Political Teen post clips from shows all the time)?
Finally, we are busy at work recording for the next podcast. It looks like it should be a funny one (for once!). Keep waiting with bated breath.
BTW, this could totally sink the Bush Administration if true.
What were the other five Commandments?
With the Mohammed Cartoons backlash crap still flowing around, thanks to various ill-tempered imams viciously stirring up their illiterate and ignorant angry followers in a plethora of the globe’s finest armpits, I got to thinking about the rather humorous mockery of an actual prophet… by one of his semi-devout and more-than-famous followers, no less!
From History of the World – Part I, I bring you the comedy stylings of Mel Brooks:
MOSES: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen…
*CRASH*
MOSES: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!
My question is a simple one:: What were the other five Commandments?
Good to Know
So Glenn Reynolds is going to send me an autographed copy of his new book.
You could say that Diana and Dodi had a photo finish
Just in case you’re wondering, after nine years of legal wrestling and wrangling, it all boils down to this: the penalty for chasing a British ex-princess and her boyfriend to death is one euro.
Before you get any bright ideas, keep in mind that’s one euro each for the three photographers convicted of chasing Diana and Dodi to their doom, not together.
Leave it to the French to come up with a punishment that doesn’t begin to cover the horrifying curcumstances with which two humans were driven to their deaths by professional parasites, let alone the fact that the three euro coins they’re collecting won’t even cover the deceaseds’ long rotted-out eyes completely.
American Idol 5 top 12 girls
(crossposted from mountaineer musings)
i was watching curling, taking a long, hot bath and hitting an early pillow last night, so i’m just now watching Idol. which means i didn’t vote, so if the right girl doesn’t get kicked off, i don’t get to complain. haha, yeah right. i’ll moan and groan and yell and kick, and poor Frank will have to listen to me. y’all will too, unless your scroll bars are working.
But are there pedicures in Iraq?
Jim Tarver, who missed the social studies class about communism, writes… (edited for language)
Why don’t you pinkos go and fight the wars? Because you’re pinkos. You f@g war whimps need to get over the thought that poor kids can fight your battles for you.
So, pick your sorry pinkytoes up and go fight the wars if you want. Just leave the rest of us to live our lives in peace.
You’re totally right, Jim. You’ve really turned me around here.
frank has been forced to go to extreme measures to control his slobbering mutt
Super Happy Fun Partial Birth Abortion FAQ!
The Supreme Court is going to take another look at the Constitutionality of bans on partial birth abortion (I guess the new press preferred term is now “a type of late-term abortion”). To help in everyone’s understand of the issue (and IMAO is nothing if not a tool for education) I’ve gotten a doctor who performs late-term abortions to answer questions about this controversy.
THE SUPER HAPPY FUN PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTION FAQ
Q. Critics call it partial birth abortion. Is that name accurate?
A. The actual medical term for this procedure is “Dilation and Extraction” or simply D&X. The term “partial-birth abortion” was manufactured by opponents of women’s health in an attempts to create controversy about the simple procedure of partially delivering a baby and sucking its brains out.
Q. Why don’t you call it “brain sucking abortion” instead of D&X?
A. Because that’s not medical sounding. Sucking out a baby’s brains is a complicated process and requires a complicated name.
Q. Don’t babies need brains?
A. It considers what purpose you have in mind for said babies.
Q. Does sucking out a baby’s brains cause the baby pain?
A. No. The baby would be too distracted from the pain of being stabbed in the head with scissors (used to make the needed hole in the head) to notice the start of the suction.
Q. How was this procedure invented?
A. A doctor was once watching a horror movie in which aliens attacked earth and sucked people’s brains out. He then said, “Hey! We could do that to babies!” I think his name was Steve.
Q. Since the whole body is already out, why not just pull the head out and deliver the baby?
A. For one thing, that defeats the whole point of an abortion. Also, about any doctor could do that, so I simply couldn’t charge as much for that procedure. Finally, if I’m just delivering babies, what in the world am I supposed to do with the brain sucking device I spent good money on?
Q. Why not fully deliver the baby and then suck out the brains?
A. Babies that have been fully delivered tend to squirm more and also make more noise. Beyond the practical considerations, though, it’s only legally considered an “abortion” if the brains are sucked out while the baby is still partially in the mother. Otherwise, it’s “infanticide” which is frowned upon in some cultures.
Q. Do you favor legalizing infanticide?
A. Absolutely not. Then if would be perfectly legal to throw live babies in dumpsters, and it’s not like I can charge a high fee for that either.
Q. Some people say it’s morally wrong to suck out a baby’s brains. What do you say to that?
A. Then why does it feel so right?
Q. I thought the whole point of sucking out the brain matter was to collapse the skull and make the dead fetus easier to deliver, especially in cases of hydrocephalus?
A. Hey, if you want the skull collapsed, that costs extra. The base cost just covers sucking out the brains. Look at the fine print.
Q. Opponents to D&X say that the procedure it never needed to protect a mother’s health. What are your views on this?
A. I think that misses the entire point. Whether to have your baby’s brains sucked out is a personal choice that should be left between a woman and her doctor. Some say it should be between a woman and her doctor and God, but He tends to be judgmental on these sorts of things and is best left out of the loop. Actually, if He asks, say you had a miscarriage. He might not buy that being this so late in the pregnancy, but it’s worth a shot. Whatever you tell Him, though, don’t mention my name.
Q. Should the baby have any say in this?
A. It won’t after its brains have been sucked out.
Q. Are you ever afraid of being attacked by anti-abortion extremists?
A. If anyone ever tries to blow up my clinic, my staff will hold him down and I’ll suck out his brains. I even have a sign out front that says so.
Q. How did you ever get into this line of work in the first place?
A. I’ve never liked babies (probably goes back to that time I was in a nursery and a pack of them jumped me and stole my wallet), so it just fit. Also, the DeBrainer 2000 salesman was really pushy, and, once you have a brain suction device, what else are you going to do with it?
Q. What are your views on the Constitutionality of D&X?
A. I truly believe that the right to suck the brains out of babies is Constitutionally protected. Admittedly, it’s not in there explicitly, but you gotta read between the lines on that document. Don’t just take my word for it, though; go read the Fourteenth Amendment over and over and soon you’ll start thinking of sucking out brains.
In Europe, the Moonbats Would Be Locked Up for Claiming that Their Speech Is Being Opressed
This whole burning buildings and killing each other (and so far, it’s just Muslims killing Muslims) over a couple cartoons is crazy beyond belief, but Europe can’t sit too high on its horse saying they were just practicing free speech when they’re still locking up some people for the same. Yeah, denying the Holocaust is dumb, but imprisoning someone for stupidity? People like that should be posting on DU, but instead they’re making this guy a martyr.
I think a lot of Americans would be surprised at the laws in European countries on speech and other things. Europe doesn’t have a Bill of Rights, and it shows. In Britain, if someone breaks into your house and tries to rob, rape, and/or kill you, you’ll be imprisioned if you respond with anything other than a harshly worded letter (but not too harsh – see hate speech laws).
I would like to see a catalogue of laws in European countries that violate human rights – limits to speech and self-defense, specifically. Unlike a lot of other countries, they can get over their primitive state through voting and not just military intervention (not that we should take that off the table). America and Europe should be friends, and real friends tell you when you have bad breath so you can do something about it.
How not to diagnose your PC
Okay, so there I was, sitting in my chair and wondering why the catcams froze up around 10:08 yesterday morning. Program just upped-and-died, as we say here in Texas.
Last time that happened, the program locked up because it couldn’t save to my D drive. Funny things, D drives. But not so funny when they have a spot of corruption so bad that they can’t read or write in a particular location.
Praise Moses for backups, I suppose.
This time, there’s no tell-tale grumbling or crunching sounds inside the case. So, it’s time to make the beast jump through a few hoops.
First, I run the usual scandisk and defrag. Then I do the hard drive diagnostics.
Everything’s fine, says the SMART thingy.
After that, I run the computer through the diagnostic tests over and over for half an hour.
It’s fine, peachy-keen and dandy.
Finally, I check for the usual round of upgrades and patches, but everything’s current.
So I wake up this morning, flip on the computer, and run it through its usual morning check of the headlines and such.
I listen to the case: “Buzz… buzz… buzz…”
What the? Hard drive failing? Controller out of whack?
I start up the diangostics again, but everything’s clear.
It’s when I realize that my cell phone is on top of the case and it’s buzzing for my 6:10 wakeup alarm that I decide it was all just an error in the nut between the chair and the keyboard.
It’s Big, It’s Metal, It’s Home
A lot of people are convinced that Rowdi is part pit bull (we know she’s part German Shepherd) from looking at her picture, so she is no longer a mutt but instead is a purebred Shepit.
Luckily PetSmart refunded us for the kennel Rowdi broke out of. SarahK then picked out this gigantic all steel cage. It folds up and has handles so you can carry it around, but it weighs a ton so the only reason you’d want to do that is if you really needed a hernia. Rowdi loves it. Apparently being able to see out in all directions is a plus (I thought she’d want something more sheltered), and it’s so big she could get lost in it. As soon as we lined the bottom with blankets, Rowdi went in and laid down. SarahK was like, “Aww, she likes her new room and… what’s that she has? That’s the package of tortillas I just bought!”
When we locked her up for the night (which we’re going to have to do until we can trust she won’t chase the cats all over the house and inadvertently destroy everything), she didn’t even seem to mind. If she did, I don’t think even Superdog could break out of that thing.
Anyway, SarahK has to bring Rowdi back to the shelter today to get one of those microchips implanted in her (Rowdi, not Sarah). We’re only afraid that Rowdi might think SarahK’s bringing her back to leave her there. I told Sarah to take the cats with her and see if she could trade them for another dog, but she said no.
As for the cats, the keep jumping up on the kitchen bar to take glimpses of Rowdi and then run away. If they don’t get over their fear of Rowdi soon, I think we’ll just lock them in the cage along with Rowdi and then go to Disneyworld for the day while things settle themselves.
Stopped Clocks and What-Not
Wow. The first part of this post at The Daily Kos almost looks like something I might write. It’s good to see liberals being a bit (purposely) funny at times instead of just angry.