Obama says we must win the future. This is obvious. We should not be future losers. But the way Obama says we should win the future is to build high-speed rails, make cleaner energy, and make selling salmon less complicated. Needless to say, the future Obama is proposing we win is a BORING STUPID FUTURE! I propose we win a much better future. Here is how:

HOW TO WIN THE FUTURE

* Make jet packs cheap and available (or, alternatively, rocket boots).

* Hit the giant enemy crab in its weak points for massive damage.

* Nuke the moon.

* Build giant robots.

* Make sure the next generation’s kung fu is strong.

* Capture the golden snitch.

* Attach frickin’ lasers beams to the head of the salmon.

* Get a point multiplier for double the future points.

* Build a high-speed rail gun.

So an escaped monkey was caught in Japan — after it bit one hundred and twenty people. Just try and imagine that — one hundred and twenty people it just walked up and bit. This is a monkey that must have spent all its days and nights hunting down people to bite them. It was just absolutely in love with the thought of biting people.

This is something we luckily don’t have to deal with in the U.S. For one, we don’t have any native monkeys to North America because the Founding Fathers wisely shot them all. Secondly, we have guns. Some countries think all the guns we have in America makes us uncivilized, but tell me what sounds more civilized: Carrying a gun or getting constantly bit by monkeys? Why do you think we invented guns? IT WAS SO MONKEYS WOULD STOP BITING US!

And doesn’t this undermine your whole perception of Japan? Usually people think of Japan as almost this advanced race with technology and gadgets far beyond what we have. And they get bit by monkeys. Maybe you guys need to work less on computers and robots and more on getting monkeys to stop biting you.

Tonight Obama is going to be on TV talking; it must be a Tuesday!

Actually, tonight is the State of the Union address which is supposed to be special or something but can we really pretend Obama talking is going to be of any actual interest. I’m certainly not going to watch it; I mean no one pays me to do this so I don’t see the point. Also, they’re doing this weird thing where the Republicans and Democrats are all sitting together and are getting gay married afterwards or something.

And is Obama going to actually say anything interesting? What the country needs is trillions in cuts — including to entitlements — but is the guy who’s spent trillions and enacted giant new government programs going to talk about that? No instead, he’ll be like, “Everything is great! And soon we’ll finally be able to get you all those unicorns I promised!” But truth is, we can’t even afford donkey-corns right now — a much cheaper horned animal made by splicing the DNA of donkeys and rhinoceroses.

So that means it’s going to be up to the Republican response by Paul Ryan to provide any substance. I recommend he start by saying, “Look at the person to your left and the person to your right. DEAD! Now look at all your possessions. GONE! This is what Dumbo with his fancy pants and his $80 tie won’t tell you, but we’re doomed, people! I want you to take a look at our debt.” Then Paul Ryan will hold up an graph of the debt and shout, “LOOK AT IT!”

And everyone will be like, “No! Please don’t make us look at it!”

And Paul Ryan will be like, “No! Look at it and despair!”

And then everyone will be crying, “Please save us from it! Please!”

And Paul Ryan will say, “Okay. But only one thing can save us… GIANT ROBOTS!” Then Paul Ryan will hold up a diagram of the robots and they will be awesome looking. “Giant robots will solve all our problems. For one, they’ll cancel out all our debt because we’ll be able to go to China and say, ‘How about in payment for our debt, we agree not to ROCKET PUNCH YOU!'”

And everyone will be cheering, “GIANT ROBOTS! GIANT ROBOTS!” And Obama will run and hide leaving the Republicans in charge.

I keep telling everybody that giant robots are the solution to everything. You just need to bring me on as a consultant; I have lots of drawings of what they will look like.

Everyone is worried about rhetoric these days, so in my wrote my new Pajamas Media column in a way to make sure no one could interpret any of it as a call for violence. Please enjoy non-violently.

I’d say the number one complaint about the U.S. Navy is not enough giant lasers that can shoot down aircraft, but they’re working on it. Giant lasers on ship is part of the path to giant lasers in space. First you do lasers on land, then on water, then in the air, and then in space. That’s how Science! works.

Notice how as our military advances in technology, all our enemies seem to devolve? We’re getting lasers and they’re using hand me down AK-47s and trying to piece together explosives. Eventually, it will be like an advanced alien race versus cavemen, which is the goal of any military. That and to be worshiped as angry gods.

There is some suggestion that President Obama has been dying his hair. This is good, because if Obama shows any sign of weakness, Biden will see it as his opportunity and challenge Obama to combat so that he may be president. Biden may seem stupid, but he is a spry and vicious combatant. And he bites. The only thing keeping him in line his fear of Obama’s strength, but if Obama starts to gray, then that fear wanes.

Some people think we should repeal the law that allows the VP to take over the presidency if he bests the president in one on one combat, but I think that’s short sighted. Having the VP always lurking in the background waiting for any weakness to pounce helps keep the president on his toes. I definitely don’t think it’s as dumb as the law that put the National Park Service in charge of the Thuderdome.

So Keith Olbermann got the boot. It was a surprise to everyone, with pretty much no one knowing before Olbermann made this statement on the air:

You kinda have to feel bad for since no one likes him. The guy was basically a dancing monkey for the left. He had this insular show with no one on to disagree with him so he could rant and rave his left-wing stupidity with no possibility of someone popping his pomposity; it was rather pointless really, and even many on the left started to recognize that and make fun of him.

Still, it was MSNBCs highest rated show, so they have to replace him with something. I’d say an actual dancing monkey. It would go on screen and dance and screech and liberals could watch and clap their hands and say how much that monkey was really giving it to the right. The left hasn’t been doing so great with reality lately; might as well embrace it.

As for Olbermann, I say reality show. Maybe one where he’s a bounty hunter. At the end of each episode after the perp was caught, Olbermann would give this bombastic speech about justice during which the perp would escape and spray Olbermann with his own bear mace. Now that would be some entertaining viewing!

Farewell, Bathtub Boy!

Cross-posted at America is an Obamanation!

UPDATE: So, what’s next for Keith Over-Man? Feel free to offer your ideas for his next career move in the comments section!

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BREAKING NEWS — Keith Olbermann has found a new job… at FOX NEWS!!!

Commenter Mike says:

What? It’s 1/22/2011 and Keith Olberman has been fired for like 18 hours and nothing from IMAO? I’m disappointed!!

Here’s my excuse.

I read Hope & Change Cartoons this morning, and after reading this part:

Currently, there is no solid information about why Olbermann and MSNBC parted ways. There is absolutely no indication that Olbermann had a longstanding homosexual affair with mass-murderer Jared Loughner, nor is there anyone willing to go on record that MSNBC believed Olbermann to be a necrophiliac pedophile who hated minorities.

Although rumors abound, there is no confirmation that Olbermann was terminated for “relieving himself” manually while looking at pictures of the First Lady’s yams, nor should anyone believe – absent verifiable proof – that MSNBC forced him to leave because of drug, alcohol, and orphan abuse.

I simply doffed my hat to the better man and walked away without a fuss.

Sorta like when you’re down by 60 points during the last 5 minutes of… well, any game, really, except Quidditch.

You may have seen this:

Or even heard the story of how this poster is showing up in the streets of San Francisco.

The left thinks they’ve found the answer to this:

Nope, sorry. Lacks brevity and elegance. I guarantee that even after staring at their Palin poster for 30 seconds and reading it half a dozen times, no one will remember what it said.

Not that I expect much from the clown who created it. Here’s another one of his crap “art” pieces:

The text, for those who can’t read his bitter, childish scrawl, begins:

You’re big.
You’re dumb.
You’re white.
You drink beer and watch the NFL because it mirrors your approach to conflict.
You over-consume and under achieve.
You think you are this nation.
You think you are the heir to this nation.
You have traded our legacy for mitigated fear and complacency.
You distrust intellectuals and aspire to stagnation.
You rent spaces to store things you never needed.

There’s a lot more, but it’s boring and pedantic. Besides, you get the idea. The “artist” is a brutish, petulant child with a mouthful of gimme, whose sad efforts at creation consist largely of defacing things that others consider good and beautiful. A rebel without a sense of taste or decency.

Anyway, because I’m smarter than him, I’m going to create the viral leftist Palin poster that he didn’t the have brains to make:

A memorable, brief, and pointed statement of what the left believes Sarah stands for. Startling for its stark contrast between the darkness of the word, and the angelic whiteness of its letters, the ugliness of the concept, and the conformity of its subject to accepted societal norms of beauty.

I think it’s pretentious enough to suit their needs.

So why am I helping out the liberals like this?

So I can make fun of them later by posting this parody: