Archive of entries posted on July 2007

Ronin Profiles: Jonag

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Jonag

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Jonag.

What’s the story behind your name? Total inspiration. My first name is Jona (pronounced “John-uh”) and my last name starts with G. [Still more clever than “Frank J.” -Ed.]
Where do you live? I live in Gilbert, Arizona (about 20 minutes from Phoenix). We’ve been her 12 years and really hated it the first 5 years but now realise it’s a great place to raise kids so we’re staying put. One day I will meet Bob in Feenicks and DesertElephant for a beer in Tempe (whilst wearing our Nuke the Moon shirts) and much hippie bashing will ensue.
How old are you? 42
Tell us briefly about yourself. I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon. I have been happily married to Joey for 20 years and we have been blessed with 5 brilliant Rabid Reagan Republicans in the making. I have been homeschooling for over 11 years (including 3 hours of Rush Limbaugh 5 times a week, except when he talks naughty and we have to turn the radio off. I don’t want to hear “Mommy, what’s a Gorbasm?” just yet.)
I engage in a little bit of capitalism from my home which supports my sewing addiction and coffee habit.
How much do you hate hippies? A hippie once told my mom to go eff herself. Unfortunately for him he did it in front of my dad and sisters. They seriously effed him up. I wish I had been there.
Portland was once a beautiful town but the hippies have ruined it’s beauty and reputation (and odor). Another reason we’re not moving back.
How long have you been reading IMAO? I have been a FrankJ fan since the letter to Michael Moore of April 2003 (although it seems like forever really)
What’s your favorite IMAO post? My most favoritest post ever is this one: https://www.imao.us/index.php/2003/08/in-my-world-the-duke-versus-stalin/ The IMW: The Duke vs Stalin. Everybody should go read it. (oh, and #20 on this one: https://www.imao.us/index.php/2004/04/the-imao-t-shirt-babe-candidates/)
What’s you favorite political issue? It’s a toss-up between the war on terror and border security. I’m concerned that the flood of illegals will undo all my well laid (no pun intended) plans to destroy the democrat party by outbreeding them. I’ve already produced enough voters to undo all of my liberal sister’s family’s votes and still have 3 conservative votes left! Everyone should be doing their part.
Do you have a website? Not yet. When I get one it will be a pretty periwinkle color.
Do you ever wish you could control fire with your mind? Only when I’m flying over San Francisco.

If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Democrat Calls Republicans“Jihadists“, Muslims Offended

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WASHINGTON (AP) – During remarks about how Republicans may cause a government shutdown by sustaining President Bush’s vetoes of Democrat-sponsored spending bills, John W. Olver, (D-Mass.), chairman of the House Transportation-HUD Appropriations Subcommittee, referred to Republicans as “Jihadists”. Muslim groups responded with outrage at the comparison.

Muslims thrilled at having something new to bitch about.

“Jihadists are noble warriors in a just cause, “said CAIR spokesman Ibrahim Hooper, “while Republicans are nothing but money-grubbing, Jew-loving kafirs! Well, maybe not Jew-loving, since no on ACTUALLY loves the Jews, but they’re unquestionably Jew-likers, and that’s bad enough.”
“When Allah’s faithful seek to fund a war,” Hooper continued, “they don’t snivel over ‘spending bills’. They just hit up their oil-rich neighbors for some greenbacks. If the Republicans were true Jihadists, they’d be getting money from Saudi Arabia or Halliburton.”
Republicans were also quick to take umbrage at the name-calling.
“I can’t believe,” said Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, “that jackass Olver had the gall to compare us to murderous thugs who kill people with explosive vests. We’re Republicans, for crying out loud! We’d use guns.”
Responding to the controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a rare public apology of behalf of the Democratic Party.
“I regret that Congressman Olver’s remarks may have been misinterpreted. The Democratic Party has nothing but admiration and respect for ALL races, creeds, and explosive preferences. We mean no insult to the loving and peaceful religion of Islam or its courageous and holy soldiers.”
“After all,” she continued, “we’re both on the same side in this war. We’re both committed to the goal of removing American troops from Iraq as soon as possible. No sense in bickering over a little thing like whether ‘dead’ or ‘alive’ would be preferable.”
“Now that I’ve offered this humble apology on behalf of the Democratic Party,” concluded Pelosi, “I hope the brave and honorable Muslim warriors of the world will seriously consider killing us last.”

But Secure Borders Might Mean I Have to Do Yard Work!

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Wow. The Wall Street Journal actually printed this in an editorial for open borders:

The well-manicured lawns in my home town would soon become weed gardens in the absence of the Mexicans who man landscape services.

“You expect me to cut my own grass?! Our national sovereignty isn’t that important!”
I expect that sort of thing from limousine liberals, but from a paper that’s supposed to be a bastion of conservative thought? If you really can’t find any legal Americans to cut your lawn, try growing a pair and buy a John Deere.

Humor: Conservatives vs. Liberals

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IMAO got a shout out from Jonah Goldberg in a discussion of humor and politics.
People find funny what people find funny, and thus I never got into discussions of who is funnier: Conservatives or liberals? The answer, of course, is that conservatives will find conservatives funnier and liberals will find liberals funnier. That’s not to say there aren’t some differences in approaches to humor between them, but at the core their doing jokes based on what their audiences believe to be true. Since conservatives and liberals believe fundamentally different things about some issues, humor tailored for one will fall flat for the other.
Jonah makes a good point on the perception of who is in power makes a difference. It’s sad to say it, but a Democrat president and Democrat majorities in Congress would be a huge boon to this site.
Update: Here’s the audio-only version.

I’ll Believe Him If He Says He Broke His Wrist “Getting It On“

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John Edwards is now trying to overdo it in convincing everyone he’s straight by claiming he broke his wife’s rib while “getting it on.” What could be the actual explanation? Did she get to close to his hair gel and he hit her with a baseball bat in a fit of rage? No, wielding a baseball bat is still too manly to be plausible. Maybe he saw a spider and clung on to her way too tight.
What do you think happened?
(hat tip Conservative Grapevine)

Ronin Profiles: Motopolitico

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Motopolitico

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Motopolitico.

What’s the story behind your name? Motopolitico is an amalgam of what I thought my blog would be about when I established by Blogger account way back when. Moto= Motorcycles. I like motorcycles. Let me be more specific. I like good, practical motorcycles, not those chrome plated toys ridden by lawyers and doctors on weekends. Politico= politics. I studied Political Science and History at the University of Vermont, which was pretty much like someone who smokes opium progressing to heroin, at least for me. Lots of monkey-faced liberals on that campus. Ward Churchill received a hero’s welcome when he spoke on campus.
Where do you live? For the instant, I am living in Louisville, Kentucky attending The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. I am in the process of relocating back to the Peoples’ Republic of Burlington, VT, the city that gave a voice to Bernie Sanders. I’m gonna miss this red state.
How old are you? I will be 28 next month.
Tell us briefly about yourself. My mother immigrated LEGALLY from Canada, and has now been naturalized. That makes me a dual citizen. I went through the phase of pretending to be Canadian when I lived in the UK for a year, but living there really made me appreciate life here in the United States. I repented of my sins and believed in Jesus Christ at the age of 22, a few weeks after 9/11. At the University of Vermont, I brought a 100 dB air horn to a “2 minutes of silence for peace” protest, and worse. This was before I had heard of Protest Warriors. Another interesting fact about me is that during the mandatory Race and Culture class at the University of Vermont, I quit attending, went into the exams assuming white male heterosexuals are the scum of the earth, and got a B+. I think every conservative should attend a liberal college. It helps to make you strong, and also weeds out the RINOs. Oh, and I’d like to take the chance to personally apologize for the fact that I voted for Jim Jeffords in 2000. Truly, at the time I thought he was much better than the alternative.
Do you think punching can be a constitutionally protected form of expression? Yes, but it should be well-regulated, so that it is limited so that only monkey-faced liberals are the target. Monkey-faced liberals should be permitted to punch each other. We should do all we can to promote monkey-face on monkey-face violence. Thank you Cindy Sheehan, DU, and the Kos kids for helping to make my dream a reality.
How long have you been reading IMAO? I’d say since at least 2003. Back before it was uncool to post a comment FIRST!
What’s your favorite IMAO post? The one during the Terry Schiavo incident when it was suggested that we should allow folks in Africa to starve and dehydrate to death. It was a good mix of dark humor, an amazing point, and a serious issue.
What’s you favorite political issue? That one is a trick question. What I get most fired up about are my least favorite political issues. Lately, I’ve been thinking we need to get rid of open primaries and go back to the smoke filled room. That would make conventions far more interesting! I am socially conservative, so I strongly support pro-life and anti- gay marriage initiatives. I also think the resurrection of the “fairness” doctrine is going to be the next major political battleground.
Do you have a website? Having a blogger account these days is an awful lot like having an aol account used to be. It makes me the target of derision. But it is free, and allows me to blog as a hobby. My blog is located at http://motopolitico2.blogspot.com and uses a bog-standard blogger template. It is almost never “moto” since I sold my motorcycle before coming to seminary, nor is it especially “politico” anymore. It is really a seminary blog, where I post some of my better papers for classes and comment on the theological issues of today. A lot like a theological version of the Puppy Blender, only I don’t say “heh”. I hosted (and censored) the Carnival of Comedy once. My blog is usually not intentionally funny, although stay tuned for a piece of satire I am still carefully crafting.
The latest outrage on which I’ve done anything approaching groundbreaking is a prominent Southern Baptist pastor who, the week of the Southern Baptist Convention in San Antonio promoted his website where he sells complete sermon manuscripts in .pdf format for pastors to preach word-for-word for five dollars. He doesn’t believe that to be encouraging plagiarism. You can read the incredible details here. I’ve bought the domain name seminarian.us, and if I can get my act together, I might actually get it off the ground as a legitimate seminary blog, complete with podcast interviews of any theologian I can get my hands on, about current theological issues. This blog would also have google ads to fill my empty pockets. I don’t know if I can approach the awesomeness of the whatever Number One prize pack, when it comes to scamming fund raising potential.
If you could control the creatures of the sea with your mind, what would you do? I would command the dolphins to go back in time and rescue that young woman from the waters of Chappaquiddick so she could be prosecution witness #1, and Ted Kennedy would be living off the taxpayers in an entirely different way. He would share his cell with Bubba.

If you commented that you want to be included before, you’re still in the running. You can also comment in this post; just make sure you fill in your e-mail on the comment form (only I can see it so you don’t have to worry about getting spam). Eventually we’ll get to everyone. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Chee-had!

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Recently, the Transportation Security Administration announced that a cell phone charger taped to a block of cheese was found at an airport in someone’s checked bag.
As a result of this discovery, the TSA has issued a warning to be on the lookout for suspicious combinations of food and non-food-related devices. Here’s a partial list of things to become alarmed about:

Victim of cheese-related terror.
  • Hearing aid superglued to a Dorito.
  • iPhone stuffed in a haggis.
  • Fig Newtons in a Van De Graaff generator
  • Palm Pilot perched upon a pepperoni pineapple pizza.
  • Giant pumpkin concealing a Borg Queen
  • Hungry Man frozen dinner with a Hemi
  • Universal remote control covered in a suspicious – yet delicately flavored – saffron-honey glaze
  • Bacon, lettuce, and Nintendo cartridge sandwich
  • Wii controller tucked inside a Twinkie
  • BlackBerry pie
  • Blackened Cajun DVD player
  • “Chunky” Peanut Butter that’s actually creamy peanut butter with tiny diodes.
  • Det cord and meatballs
    Final tip – if your birthday cake is throwing off sparks, run like hell:
    .
    birthday cake bomb.jpg

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

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john edwards fabulous.jpg During a recent bike ride with Lance Armstrong, John Edwards said, “the biggest problem is my butt hurts. Is that normal?”.
Man, if I had a nickel for every time he’s said that…
[Hat tip to Shimauma of Moonbunny’s Comics for the link]
READER SURVEY: I’m thinking about including that little picture in the post title for these entries. Your opinion? Yes? No? Messes up the html too much? Put it in the body of the post? Just too darn creepy?
Let me know.
UPDATE: Apparently having it in the title screws up feed readers. So I made it a little larger and put it in the body of the post on the left side.
How’s that?

Either He’s Telling the Truth and He’s a Scumbag or He’s Lying and He’s a Scumbag

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I feel like I should post on this subject since the rest of the blogs are going on and on about it, but I just never cared that much. You had The New Republic publishing the account of one supposed soldier, Scott Thomas, in an attempt to make all our troops look evil. How enlightening of them. And, of course, it ends up the soldier’s account has huge holes in it. So, the soldier has been identified and now he’s calling all his critics “chickenhawks” even though most of his critics are veterans who took such slander much more personally. And it appears that Scott Thomas was a leftist even before going into the military (and then just happened to participate in atrocities that help his narrative after joining). And there’s still no evidence of anything he said.
Lesson learned: Liberals hate the military and our troops even when they are in the military. So, don’t let people who are openly liberal in the military.