38 Comments

  1. You got married, got a job, it happens to all of us, no shame in it really. As long as you still take katana lessons and churn out stuff like Rico and Hellbender – you haven’t been beaten. Decades of writing and making fun of Democrats await.

  2. I’m guessing the cat has made his long awaited escape a reality. The months of planning, the turkey induced near coma, and a door opened at the right time lead to such an event. While you have begun a search in vain, your cat has begun his travels going from place to place looking for adventure like Cain in kung-Fu.

  3. So it’s true then. Spacemonkey attempted a coup by abducting you and turning you over to Hilary. After doing who knows what terrible things to you (all the while cackling and telling you that you needed the whole truth), she wiped your memory and let you go.

  4. I thought was because the diabolical Mexican bandit, El Treeptofan, secretly drugged you during Thanksgiving dinner. Apparently, he does this a lot during the holidays…
    Either that, or you complained to Sarah that her turkey was too dry, so she rectified the situation by dumping you & the bird into the gulf.
    Or maybe you were just spending time with your extended family, in which case I hope you & the wife had a great Thanksgiving. I know I did; I ate so much that I’d almost swear I gave birth to twins the next day.

  5. those crazy ninja midgets kidnapped you in your sleep and forced you to watch lifestyle movies all day and by night they sleep deprived you by making you listen to a tape recorder of hillary rotten-crotch clinton’s maniacle laugh over and over again…poor man…

  6. I’m pretty sure you and your wife are finally leaving the state y’all can’t stand for one that actually contains family ans a city called Boise. Last I checked y’all were in Louisana. Godspeed, J’s, Godspeed.

  7. Kidnapped by Humanzees and forced to do their evil bidding.
    Only recently were you able to escape: using only a toothbrush filed into a shiv, an old copy of Good Housekeeping, and 3 feet of slightly used dental floss you were able to overcome you captors.
    Now, with a renewed hatred of all ape-human hibrids, you have returned.

  8. You were abducted by the Legion of Doom and would have been back sooner but Aquaman came to the “rescue” thus prolonging the extreme discomfort of being stuck in the same room as a mix of a half dozen mongoloids, lunatics, and bald people?

  9. Considering how long you were gone, I’m guessing that you were repeatedly Attacked By Conservatives. As soon as you started to recover from an attack, those Conservatives would show up and Attack you again!
    Over… and Over… and Over…

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