Often I’m asked, “Why, if I punch a hippy, would I be arrested for assault? Are we supposed to believe that the Founding Fathers wanted hippies to walk around un-punched?”
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First off, the Founding Fathers hated hippies as much as you and in no way intended America to be a place hippies could feel safe. What they knew, though, is that allowing people to punch hippies could lead to abuse of the law where someone would punch a non-hippy and claim he thought he was a hippy. So the reason we can’t punch hippies is to protect non-hippies from being punched.
I would support a change in the law, though, where it is legal to punch hippies, but the punched can afterwards legally challenging the punching by claiming to not be a hippy. If the punched was found to in fact be of the non-hippy persuasion, then there will be severe penalties against the puncher for abuse of the hippy punching law.
Some fear this would cause the hippies to overwork our courts by fraudulently claiming after being punched to not be a hippy. I think this shouldn’t be too much of a problem. First, there are people who are very obviously hippies, and an officer arriving on the scene would pronounce it a clean hippy punch and congratulate the puncher for his service to the country. For slightly less obvious hippies, if they claimed to a court to not be a hippy but were then determined to be lying, you can expect the hippy will then be punched by everyone in the courtroom.
Now, I’m not saying these legal changes in the area of hippy punching won’t cause some problems, I’m just saying it will be worth it to put forth the clear message that if you’re a hippy and dare walk the street in America, you will be punched.
Damn it. Does that mean I can or cannot punch those patchouli smelling heathens or not? I am so confused.
I hate to disagree with you Frank, but I’m pretty sure it is legal to punch hippies.
It’s not legal to punch people – that would be assault. But it would be a pretty far stretch to try to make the case that hippies are people. I think any judge and jury would laugh that lawyer right out of the courtroom.
I know of no law on the books specifically outlawing the punching of hippies, and they, surprisingly, aren’t covered by the laws governing animal abuse.
So, I say punch away legal hippy puncher.
Hey, we used the exact same hippie picture from Wikipedia!
Is it legal to put a hippie in a trash compactor and turn the trash compactor on? You know, “Put in-turn on-take out”.
Is it legal to put a hippie in a trash compactor and turn the trash compactor on? You know, “Put in-turn on-take out”.
THAT’S a hippie?!? aw hell I thought they were Jehova’s Witnesses…
my brain sucks…
So many good things pass by the wayside in life.
You USED to be able to ride a bike without having to wear a dorkmeister helmet. If you cracked your skull and henceforth pronounced words like you had a dish of cole slaw in your mouth- so be it.
You USED to be able to have lawn mowers that could snap a metal sprinkler head right out of the ground and launch it at foes with reasonable accuracy.
Now they have enough safeguards to prevent an accidental nuke launch.
You USED to be able to bask in the certainty that if a ‘smart-mouthed-brat’ lipped off to one of the teachers in school, they would be sent down to see ‘Coach’ where the offender would ‘assume the position’ and receive some good old fashioned discipline. They sauntered in, but left meekly.
There USED to be fun in the world.
But now, another golden apple drops from the tree of life, and Hippies must remain un-punched.
I weep not for yesterday, because there aint a law yet that says we can’t hold ’em down and scour their surfaces pink with some soap and water and one of Mr. Fuller’s finest. I’ll bet that in less than an hour of vigorous scrubbing I can get that Perchoolie stink to go away.
Actually it is not a question of legality, but a matter of regulation for the Board of Health. Avoiding Hippies has proven to lengthen one’s lifespan by keeping the blood pressure lower. Additionally, the average unwashed hippie carries more germs than Typhoid Mary, and it is proven that one can catch STDs by using the restroom after them. Dead hippies have been known to resist the effects of embalming with their layers of germs.
Typically the Health Department advises that when punching Hippies, one wear a full body condom to evade whatever oozes or slides off of their useless carcasses.
Why stop at punching when we can blow thier LSD addicted brains out.
I meant to say with a gun
As a recovered hippy, I can tell you, punchin’ hippies is a most cathartic practice that also helps in the recovery process. After my successful recovery from the power of flower, I was desperately in need of something to fill the void. One of my new friends suggested punchin’ hippies. I had never heard of that. I mean, I had been punched before but didn’t really think anything of it. ‘Course now that I’m on the other side of the fence I can certainly see the importance of hippy punchin’. It seems to fill that primal urge for “cow punchin'” which is not so popular any longer because of a lack of cows. Besides that, some of the more vocal hippies have raised a stink so that it’s not politically correct to punch a cow. Animal rights and all that rot, you know.
I know, there’s not as many hippies as there was in the sixties and seventies but hey, if you look around, you can find ’em in their usual haunts, like hootenannies or Cat Stevens concerts. A lot of ’em hang out with Sheehan, Pelosi, Hillary, Streisand and some of the other useful idiots.
Be sure to wear protection! Latex gloves are the minimum. Got your tetanus, rabies and hepatitis shots? I understand, in some states, it’s illegal to punch hippies without proof of your shots.
Also beware! There is a move on to require you to have a Hippy Punching License before you can exercise your God-given right. I personally believe being required to have a HPL to exercise one of our rights is a step down a long, slippery slope.
That said, Exercise your Rights! Punch a hippy today!
Can you hit them in the back of the head with a paper clip fired from a rubber band?
Better safe than sorry! Punch first and ask questions later that way a hippie won’t go un-punched which is just plain unacceptable! Very funny stuff, Frank!
Frank, you just made me and my wiffleball bat very happy.
funny funny stuff
This is all well and good for the obvious hippies, but what about the undercover hippies and assorted commies?
Would Hillary Rotten Clinton (aka: Her Thighness) count as a hippy? What about Big Fat Teddy K?
Just to be safe all democraps should be beaten.
Sometimes the hippy punches back.