I was looking at this post on The DailyKos, and the reaction to it by the muckadoos is amazingly moronic. It’s like they think that no father has ever died in a war before (or anywhere else). Their whole “logic” is that, because something tragic happened in a war, that proves it was wrong. Oy. Someone get them a Cluebat™. Through no fault of his own, Bush has apparently driven a number of people completely nuts.
My advice: pray for their sanity and get a concealed carry permit. These people do walk the streets. You are warned…
Archive of entries posted on December 2004
Real Death Penalty Reform Means Bringing Back Execution by Pit of Doom
An Editorial by Frank J.
With Scott Peterson being sentenced to death, more people are focusing on the topic of the death penalty. Since that penalty is subject to numerous appeals and can take twenty years or more to carry out (or never get carried out at all because of DNA “evidence”; meh), the death penalty is not a good enough deterrent and very costly.
“How dare you defy The Pit of Doom!”
Back in the olden days, things were different. If someone was sentenced for stealing chickens, the judge would intone, “Take him to the pit… The Pit of Doom!” and justice was carried out swiftly as the thief was thrown into the ominous pit of unknown depths and unknown horrors. What was in The Pit of Doom? No one knows, for The Pit is a mysterious thing. Judging from the screams of those thrown inside, it is filled with many things of unspeakable terror. It is best to leave these things unknown to God-fearing people.
Eventually these pits became neglected and had trash thrown in them more often than criminals. Still, they can be refurbished and used again. Most I know of are located in the Middle East and Africa, but I think there is also one in Wisconsin. It was used by the Native Americans American Indians Those People Who Were in America Before the Colonists Went Slaughter Crazy to sentence wrong doers who broke the ancient rules of their tribes (like counting cards at Blackjack). Eventually missionaries shut it down because you know how stuffy missionaries are about things like “pits” and “doom.”
I say we reopen the pit of doom. Think of how that will change sentencing. The jury will walk out and say, “We sentence the defendant to…” Then all the lights in the court will dim. “The Pit of Doom!”
“No! Not The Pit of Doom!” the criminal will scream, instead of that usual blank stare during sentencing.
“Yes, The Pit– of Doooom!” the juror will answer (that part is optional).
Then the criminal will be led out screaming and thrown into the pit. Soon his screams will be heard no more.
Other great things about execution by Pit of Doom is that it refutes many of the current objections about death penalty. Many say the worst thing about the death penalty is that it can’t be reversed if it was done by mistake, but, with The Pit of Doom, no one can be sure the person was executed. To find out, you’d have to go into The Pit of Doom yourself… and you would not return! Were one ever to survive The Pit of Doom, he would be exonerated of his crimes.
Such a thing has never happened, though.
So lobby your Congressman to bring back The Pit of Doom. It… What? You do not like my idea? How dare you defy The Pit of Doom! Perhaps you will think differently when you see it up close…
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Reverse Psychology and It’s Uses: You’re Probably Too Dumb to Read this Book, So Don’t Even Bother Trying” and “The Christmas Meltdown: Why Our Consumerism Culture is All Jesus’ Fault”.
I Thought All Balms Were Lip Balms
Yes, it’s true; over the weekend I did use Tiger Balm on my lips (SarahK could have stopped me at any point). And look at the results (I love the second picture; make sure to see the larger version).
I Thought Spree Was a Type of Candy
What’s funnier than joking about going on a killing spree of Republicans?
Probably knock knock jokes.
Wait, I think my original question was rhetorical. Anyway, a faculty member at University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point wrote a satirical column about the aforementioned subject, and I’d condemn it more if I were more sure I hadn’t written jokes about killing sprees myself. Anyone feel like checking my archives?
The Final Contest Post
I… What am I doing? You’re not even reading this. You’re quickly commenting and seeing if you won? Done? Good.
Well, I’d like to thank Premiere Speakers Bureau for holding this contest. If you have speaker needs or are a college student who can help bring in speakers, I hope you’ll keep them in mind. In the least, look them over and see all the different speakers they offer. I’ll be sending out the list to them of winners as soon as I get the final one’s information, and you should get your books in time for Christmas.
Everyone else, you can still order autographed books for great Christmas gifts. I’ve decided to go with the Ann Coulter book; she scares me and should probably make for an entertaining – albeit polemic – read.
And, like that, the contest ends. Be honorable, ronin.
The Hate-Filled Lefty Meets Opressed Muslims
Site Was Down
Anyway, it’s back, so come get your free book from Premiere Speakers Bureau by commenting. Quick! Be first!
Not sure what’s left to talk about… well, maybe you can help me pick out a book. Which is your favorite choice from those available?
Off topic, have you heard about the strict dress code for Air Marshals? I just saw Michelle Malkin on FOX News a little bit ago, and it seems like one of the dumbest things. The Air Marshals should be able to dress how they want… just don’t grow a giant mustache like Serpico.
One more book giveaway tomorrow… probably early so I can send the info out to Premiere to get everyone their books.
Fun Trivia
IMAO Special Projects
In the interest of keeping IMAO shareholders informed, here are the IMAO Special Projects in the works:
Current Project: Selling Christmas CD
Next Project: In My World™ book covering Bush’s first four years
Future Project: Super Secret Black Project Insano (details classified)
Any readers interested in helping out can buy my CD (projects need more funding!). Also, I know I’ve asked this before, but I need something to construct a timeline of the top news stories since Bush was inaugurated in 2001 so I can make IMWs covering the periods previously unparodied by me. Help on that would be greatly appreciated.
Headline Fun III
Yay! Headline Fun™!
Australia: Terrorists to target Hilton hotel in Indonesia
“Luckily we’re not Indonesia, eh Bruce?” Australians say.
* * * *
Study: US lags behind other countries in math and science
Dumb, rich, and powerful – that’s the America I love.
* * * *
Alleged Paula Zahn Stalker Arrested
Bill O’Reilly stalker shouted down.
* * * *
Iraq Asks Some of Saddam’s Soldiers to Return to Work
“So whose gonads are we shocking first?” they ask.
* * * *
Hamas Cancels Annual Rally, Fearing Israeli Strike
Terrorist picnic canceled after weather forecast showed a 60% chance of crusie missiles.
* * * *
Bomb Said to Kill 7 at Iraqi Shrine
But bombs say lots of things when they’re drunk.
* * * *
Speier to try again for law on teens’ use of steroids
Law will only let teens use steroids if they pull their damn pants up.
* * * *
UC police kill man who fired at them
Activists now sue for guns to have warning labels reading, “May be lethal if pointed at cops.”
Here are some even funnier ones from my readers from yesterdays’s post (basil seems to be the star so far):
The IMAO 2004 Christmas CD Spectacular
Have you got your Christmas CD yet? They’re shipped the same day you order them, but you don’t have long to order this limited edition IMAO spectacular produced by me and Scott McCollum and get it in time for Christmas. The CD includes:
* All previous audio bits in high quality CD sound. Own a piece of IMAO history so that, years from now when your grandchildren will ask who was John Kerry and why was he a goober, you can show them this. Ham!
* Three new audio bits: Career Day: Buck the Marine, Career Day: Donald Rumsfeld, and Zarqawi Steals Christmas — an over five minute epic audio bit where Bush has to save Christmas from the terrorists.
* The long awaited (but well worth it) Happy Dance in 720×480 mpeg format with cool special effects using my brand new video editing software. This includes an intro giving context to the Happy Dance and surprises I won’t reveal. If you aren’t super happy after watching the Happy Dance, then you are incapable of happiness. (NOTE: To have posted the Happy Dance on my blog at any decent quality would have blown away my bandwidth restrictions, so this seemed the best way to get it to you – and I like money.)
Here is a montage (MONTAGE!) of clips from the new audio bits.
And here is one teaser image to the happy dance. To reveal more would be criminal.
Me, about to explode into happiness.
It’s only $10 (plus $2 shipping and handling), so order now so you’ll have a Merry Christmas, a Chappy Chanukah, or a Kwazy Kwanza.
Click to see larger version
UPDATE: We’re not quite ready for international orders, unfortunately. If you live out of the states, contact THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMaces like the U.K. before Christmas, though.
Bite-Sized Wisdom December 15, 2004
- Before I even had a chance to check my e-mail and get my first sip of coffee, I solved the problem for a circuit board that had us a banging our heads against the wall all yesterday. Man, I’m on like an engineering high right now.
- Wow, and my blog brought in over $3000 in revenue last month (by far, most of it the W2 shirt). I decided it was time to take down the donation buttons. Anyhoo, the news…
- Peterson was sentenced to death and will finally get his due… in twenty or thirty years. Wouldn’t it be cool if death sentence played out like this:
JUDGE: The defendant has been sentenced to death. Bailiff?
Bailiff pulls out a gun and shoots the defendant where he stands.
JUDGE: Next case!
- Getting your client sentenced to death… that can’t look good on a resume. Geragos might have to offer coupons to entice new clients.
- So Harry Reid – who hates black people – and Nancy Pelosi – who I think was just convicted of murder – support Tim Roemer – who I’ve never heard of – to head the DNC. Hopefully he’ll lead the DNC in a bold new direction, giving up this politics which they aren’t good at and instead forming a chain of waffle houses.
- So, it looks like Iran and Syria are backing terrorists in Iraq. Talk about getting behind the losing team; maybe they’ll be backing the Miami Dolphins in the future.
- The FCC is considering letting there be internet on Airplanes. It’s so sad, that, as soon as you get strapped into tons of metal and sent rocket through the air at 500mph, it’s like you’re back in the stone age.
- A missile defense test failed, but the failure was that it didn’t launch. So, who know, it might have hit the target. Can you prove otherwise?
- “Chemical” Ali is going to be the first Iraqi to face trial. I wonder if the prosecution will be able to call him “Chemical” Ali during the trial, or would that be considered unfairly influencing the jurors? Are nicknames always disallowed in trials?
“So, did you murder the victim, Murder’n Carl?” - CNN Headline: “Wife regrets man’s huge lottery win”
Further proof you just can’t please women, so don’t even try. - Senator McCain says he has “no confidence” in Rumsfeld. McCain then posed and smiled for all the cameras that followed him. In related news, Rumsfeld says he has “no mercy” for media whores.
- An attorney is having a fit that a judge is wearing a robe with the Ten Commandment written on it… but the case is about drunken driving. There’s like totally nothing in the Commandments about drinking and driving (and I checked all ten), so it’s safe to assume God approves of us getting sloshed.
- A jokester wore a bin Laden mask, wielded a pellet gun, and, surprisingly, got himself shot by a cab driver. Hey, that is funny.
- The incident was in Costa Rica, and the police didn’t even bother detaining the cab driver. So Costa Rica apparently is more advanced than England (and many areas in the U.S.) about recognizing and allowing rational thought and action in the area of self-defense.
- Keep voting for me in the blog category of the about.com 2004 Political Humor Awards. The contest right now is actually between me and Wonkette.
- There’s a book to give away in my contest today, and one more tomorrow (Right Wing News is still giving them out, too). Keep on your toes.
- The fun with headlines posts (one two) seem to be a big hit. I’ll keep picking out my favorites from previous posts and feature them along with a few more of my own. Then you have at it in the comments. Good job making me laugh, ronin.
Links of the Day
Just got Silent America from Whittler of EjectEjectEject. Anyone who’s read any essays of his know it’s worthwhile, but, as an added factor to its coolness, he’s wearing a Nuke the Moon shirt for his photo on the back.
For more great holiday reading, I also got my signed copy of In Defense of Internment by Michelle Malkin who wrote me a nice little note. She’s the sweetest pundit ever.
Rachel Lucas is back… hopefully for good. May the queen of rants have a long reign.
Blackfive has news on a soldier’s last request.
Preview of my CD’s content tomorrow…
If Rumsfeld Shoots at this Washington D.C. Correspondent, He Might Shoot Back
Complain about paying for a CD, but I’ll bet you’ll still gladly take a free book.
Anyway, I was looking at Premiere Speakers Bureau’s exclusive speakers. One is reporter Greg Kelly who I always see the FOX and Friends hosts making fun of. Know of any other network that has a Marine reservist as a reporter? Also, there is Sean Hannity available (for a pretty penny), but does he go up and speak all by himself? I’ve only seem him speak as a function of interrupting someone else.
Two more book giveaways left over the next two days.
Who Needs News Stories When You Have Headlines
Headlines fun! I took a stab at some more:
Peterson jury recommends death sentence
“You just got to try it; it’s fabulous,” one juror was heard to say.
* * * *
Bush taps EPA chief
Bush then laughs as EPA chief turns to look to his left while Bush stands to his right.
* * * *
Reformer wins surprise victory in Romania
Most people didn’t even know there was a vote on.
* * * *
Europeans restart talks with Iran
“So… uh… how’s your wife been?” first awkwardly uttered line.
* * * *
Judge Rejects Maryland Spam Law
“But we don’t like Spam!” frustrated Marylanders exclaim.
Here are what I thought were the best ones from yesterday’s comment section. They make The Tarantor’s job look easy.
Continue reading ‘Who Needs News Stories When You Have Headlines’ »