It has been confirmed that Lewis “Scooter” Libby, freed from the threat of prison by President Bush, has broken probation and gone on a perjury spree, lying to prosecutors in multiple states and obstructing their investigations of high-profile non-crimes.
“I was in the middle of investigating whether a local man had murdered the mysterious bigfoot,” said Oregon prosecutor Fitz Messenger, “then Lewis Libby came by on his little scooter and said the state capital is Portland. That’s simply not true.”
“I was looking into whether a family had imprisoned Prince Albert in a can,” said Illinois prosecutor Les Spurgeon, “and there zipped by Lewis on his Razor scooter shouting, ‘Nickel melts at only three hundred degrees Fahrenheit.’ I looked that up on Wikipedia and it ain’t so.”
Numerous prosecutors across the country have reported similar stories. Democrats say this only confirms their worst fears. “We warned you!” said Senator Harry Reid in a statement to the press, “By getting that madman out of prison, President Bush has doomed this entire country. Dooomed! DOOOOOOMED!! He needs to get our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan and have them focus on capturing Scooter Libby.”
President Bush looked visibly shaken in his impromptu press conference. “I only commuted Scooter Libby’s prison sentence so he wouldn’t tell anyone how I murdered that hooker, but now I realize I have destroyed our republic through my selfishness. Then again, none of this would have happened if you let me give amnesty to all the Mexicans.”
The last contact from Lewis Libby was a taunting letter sent to the police stating, “You had your chance; now you’ll never catch me! If you want to try, though, I’ll be at the base of Olympus Mons on Mars.” Astronomers are currently looking for Libby on the red planet, but some think that may be another lie.
He left word that after lunch, he was heading for Tattooine.
He’d be better off on Coruscant. Easier to blend in. I’d say look for him there.
I was busy trying to figure out if my refrigerator was running, and that sick S.O.B. cruised right on by yelling that magnets are powered by pure evil and the souls of the damned. Everybody knows they’re powered by good magic.
“I was trying to determine who absconded with my any key. Then Lewis Libby popped up in my browser with what he said were “Ten ways to monetize my blog, he stopped halfway through number eight.
Ok…so what part of this story again are we suppose to NOT believe? Just about every part is almost directly out of recent newspapers! You could have had our President quote Cartman from South Park and tell Harry Reid to “suck my big hairy balls”! Now that would have been a stretch indeed!
Very funny stuff!
dang, even the comments are wildly creative!
frank, this is very funny. i think he (scooter libby) should actually DO this stuff to show how preposterous the whole “controversy” was in the beginning.
“I investigating Elvis’ involvement in the disappearances of Carmen Sandiego and Waldo” said US Attorney Patrick Fitzfong, “when Libby came up and said it took only 3 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. We all know it takes at least 30.” Fitzfong added that Libby derailed his investigation of Mother Theresa’s involvement in the sexual assaults of Tawana Brawley and Gail Mangum when Libby admitted that he was the one who put the bop in the bop shee-bob, shee-bop.
Harry Reid sounds like Karl Rove.
Fosterdad, At least he had the wherewithal not to implicate Rove in the “Ram in the Ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong” scandal. That would have been disastrous.
DesertElephant – We all know that Bill Clinton was responsible for the “ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong” scandal.