Just in time for X-mas–limited edition IMAO T-Shirt Babe Nutcracker.
Archive of entries posted on 21st September 2007
Ronin Profile: Powered by Guinness
![]() |
Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Powered by Guinness.
What’s the story behind your name? We all get our power from something, Popeye has spinach, Superman has kryptonite, yuppies have Starbucks, I have the magical elixir from St. James Gate in Dublin, Ireland.
Where do you live? Issaquah, Washington
How old are you? I’m at an age that puts me between “old enough to know better” and “young enough not to care”.
Tell us briefly about yourself. I recently moved to the liberal side of Washington after spending almost 10 years in the gun-toting redneck east side of the state. I’ve live in many locations, Utah, England, Washington (twice), California, Alaska. My dad was in the Air Force (Pararescue, the toughest job in the world). I enjoy riding my bicycles (both road and mountain), shooting my long guns (I still love 30-06), double tapping my GLOCK 17 with hi-cap magazines, and generally avoiding large crowds.
How long have you been reading IMAO? A couple of years.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? Daily fabulous facts.
If you were to describe IMAO in three words, what would those be? Unfair. Unbalance. Unmedicated. Oh wait, those are yours, so I guess mine would be… Unhinged political humor.
What’s you favorite political issue? Gun rights, because I love my guns and the anti-gun crowd is fun (and easy) to torment.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. No, but I used-ta-could have one.
How should close elections be settled: Recounts, kung fu fight, or pistols at dawn? Pistols at dawn sounds good, but we need some something a bit more scientific and secrative. Sniper rifles at 500 yards minimum, no set time only a 1 week window to “win” your election. And think about it, this would also eliminate excess politicians.
If you commented in the last post asking for participants, you’re still in the running. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far; just because you may not think you’re interesting doesn’t mean we won’t enjoy your story.
Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact
John Edwards best pick-up line? “Why yes, you CAN buy me a drink”.
Bonus Fact from Chris:
When there is debate about ‘gang violence’, John Edwards mostly refers to the extreme choreography between gangs in West Side Story.
Bonus Facts from Jim:
John Edwards believes that there is NO problem in this world that cannot be fixed by higher taxes, appeasement, or a good line of hair care products.
Why does John Edwards send out his wife to attack other candidates? Because confrontation makes him pee himself a little.
It’s Time to Legalize Beating Up White People
An Editorial by Harvey
I never thought I’d see the day, but I agree with Jesse Jackson.
Reverend Rhymes-A-Lot is defending the actions of six black youths who beat a white kid into blood-soaked unconsciousness because they were angry at something some other white people did.
Personally, I can’t see anything wrong with what the Jena 6 did. Let’s face it – white people have gotten away with so much for so long that there’s no reason NOT to beat them up. They must’ve done SOMETHING wrong lately – after all, they’re WHITE – but just because the punishment doesn’t directly fit the unknown possible alleged crime that they probably committed when no one was looking doesn’t mean that the beating wasn’t well-deserved in some greater cosmic-karmic sense of the word.
And I speak from personal experience. I grew up in a small and agonizingly Caucasian town in Wisconsin. I wasn’t lucky enough to have African-Americans around to administer the beatings I so richly deserved for being an overweight, undermuscled, pale-skinned, chess-playing, glasses-wearing twerp. And look at me NOW! I’m just some nerd hiding behind a keyboard, whoring out my writing talents by typing up right-wing satires of left-wing parodies of stories about right-wing politicians. If only there’d been a dozen strong, brown hands to encourage me to mend my ways by teaching me the meaning of pain!
But it’s not just MY life that could be improved by inter-racial pummelling. The fact is, it’s been scientifically proven that beating up white people will give you better grades in school and greater financial success if you’re also stealing their lunch money and making them do your homework. Don’t you want this for YOUR children? Do you honestly want to risk having them grow up like ME? Do you hate your blessed offspring THAT much?
If you care about the future, you will join Jesse Jackson and I our quest to make it possible for people of color to batter any white devil into a coma without fear of unfair and racist legal retribution.
And let me toss out an idea that’ll make this country even safer from the terror of uncontrollable white-itude. We should have a government program that actually PAYS young black men to travel the country to put the whup-ass on honky skulls. Sorta like the Peace Corps, except with violence.
It’s just a dream at this point, but I think it’s one worth pursuing. After all, is there REALLY any price too high to pay to keep another white child from turning out like me?
Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as “Walloping Whitey for a Better Tomorrow” and “I Like My Assailants Like I Like My Coffee – Strong, Black, and Bitter”.
Mulazam Manion
1st Lt. Travis Manion proudly served and died a Spartan’s death in Iraq. This is a great story about his service with his fellow countryman and the grateful Iraqis who fought along side him and continue to fight in his honor, so make sure to take some time to read it.
Manion’s family will be following the comments over at INDC Journal, so please leave your condolences there.
In My World: Explaining the Unexplainable
“Heh heh. I do kinda look like a chimp. I wonder if this guy just thought of that; it’s pretty clever.” President Bush closed his laptop and looked up at the attractive woman who had just entered the Oval Office. “Did you know some people make fun of me on the internet? And who are you? Did I order a stripper?”
“I’m Dana Perino, your new White House Press Secretary.”
Bush shrugged.
“I previously subbed for Tony Snow when he was getting cancer treatment. I’ve been the Director of Communications for the White House Council on Environmental Quality.”
“I’ve never even heard of that. Did you bring your own music or do I need to supply that.”
“I’m not a stripper! I was hoping to talk to you about strategies with the press.”
“Oh… well… ya know, I do crazy stuff and you just need to come up with some sort of explanation for my actions that makes me look good. It’s usually no use to talk to me first, ’cause I usually don’t remember why I do anything. Like the whole amnesty mess… I think that’s because I got Central America confused with the United States of America. Ends up they’re completely different… except that both of them have lots of Mexicans.”
She smiled nervously. “Tony explained to me this would be a challenging job, but I’m ready for it.”
“So you thinking you’ll like it? I’m considering getting a new job myself. I don’t think this whole ‘being president’ thing is working out; I really don’t see a future with it. I believe I’m in a binding contract, though, so I’m going to have to try and get myself fired.”
“Um… are you serious?”
“As I explained to Tony multiple times, I’m always serious; I lack the intelligence for sarcasm. Anyway, this is a fun job; I think you’re going to like it. This attractive woman press secretary idea is great. All the reporters will be like, ‘Maybe if we believe everything she says, she’ll like us.’ Of course, you won’t like them; I’ve met all those reporters, and you will end up despising each and everyone of them… but don’t let them know that. Also, I guess a nursing home nearby has bad security because this one crazy old lady comes to all the press conferences.”
“Helen Thomas?”
“Yeah. If you get near her, she bites… which is bad news because she always sits in the front row.”
“Sir, what I needed to talk to you about is the disappearance of MoveOn.org’s leadership. Apparently, there is some compelling evidence that some of your people are involved.”
Bush chuckled. “Oh, yeah; funny story: Those MoveOn.org guys are a bunch of douches, so I thought it would be a great joke to sign an order declaring them traitors and calling for their execution. You know I don’t actually have the power to execute American citizens, right?”
“Of course.”
“Well, the guy I gave the order to apparently didn’t know that. The MoveOn turds we’re all like, ‘Don’t shoot me, bro!’ and…” Bush started laughing. “Anyway, they’re pretty dead now, so you can tell the press to stop looking for them. I forget where their bodies are buried, but it’s going to be a parking lot soon. I hope that helps.”
Dana stared at him in shock.
“I guess they ‘Moved On’ to the afterlife.” Bush laughed, but saw that Dana was still looking at him in disbelief. “I guess you had to have been there.”