Ronin Profiles: Derek

Derek

Let’s meet some more IMAO readers. Today, it’s Derek.


What’s the story behind your name? Well Derek means “Ruler of the People” and my parents had a keen sense of irony. However if I ever witness a mob killing and have to testify I have already picked out my witness protection name, Miguel Javier Escobar Sanchez.
Where do you live? Kissimmee, FL or as I like to call it Orlando Jr.
How old are you? 418 months
Tell us briefly about yourself. I was born in Florida, graduated High School and joined the Marines. Got to hang out in Japan on Uncle Sam’s dime for a year, came back got a job, got married, and had 3 kids all boys (A 5 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old. We have cable now so we are not as bored at night so that should be the last of the kids) I work a full time job and my wife and I work a part time travel agency from our home. This way she can stay at home with our kids and home school them (yeah we are one of those kooks that don’t believe that you should turn pre K children over to the government for book learnin’) If you would like to know more you can read my upcoming autobiography called, “Kiss My @$$, A Love Story.”
Do you think liberals secretly want to be punched? Yes, I do. Nature hates a vacuum and the hollowness of their words causes a vast, sucking vacuum that needs to be filled. Normally their foot will fit in their nicely, but sometimes you have to shove your fist in there. A really good liberal will be able to accommodate not only their foot but both of your fists as well.
How long have you been reading IMAO? About two years now.
What’s your favorite IMAO post? I love In My World also I was a fan of Fun Facts of the 50 States
What’s you favorite political issue? Explaining to dumb hippies how it doesn’t matter how much you raise takes on evil corporations it is the consumer that ends up paying them when they pass the cost on to them. That was part of the reason we started doing a home business, the tax write offs are insane and the less I have to give to the government means one less free ride for dumb hippies to go to college.
Do you have a website? If so, please tell us briefly about it. I don’t not have a website. It is so much easier to leave brilliant and snarky comments on other peoples sites. Plus I really don’t think this Internet thing is going to catch on.
What’s your least favorite type of whale? The Beluga whale. You know the lumpy white ones. They creep me out every time I go to Sea World. They are like the creepy kid from Powder. The only way to make them more creepy is to give them freckles and red hair. Lumpy, white, freckly, red haired, creepy whales. (shudder) Now if they had a cool horn sticking out of their head like a Narwhal that would be a different story.
Thanks for participating! You are welcome and thank you for having me. It is not often that I get to share my insights with a fine gentleman such as yourself and your enlightened readers. I look forward to seeing you and all the contributors at next year’s IMAOcon. You guy’s will get a kick out of my Karl Rove costume.
[You weren’t supposed to respond to that. -Ed.]


If you commented in the original post that you want to be included, you’re still in the running. Eventually I’ll have another post asking for who wants to participate, so keep reading. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far!

Daily John Edwards Fabulous Fact

john edwards fabulous.jpgThe documentary about John’s presidential campaign will be titled “Edwards Sissyhands”.

Just So You Know…

General Petraeus is talking to Congress about Iraq while the nutroots try to parse what he says with their chicken-sized brains. Conclusion: Petraeus bad!
Osama bin Laden, as always, would like to second their conclusion.

Edwards’s Bold New Plan: Fight Terrorism With Gossip!

NEW YORK (Reuters) – Last Friday, presidential candidate John Edwards proposed a new international organization that would fight terror by talking about it a whole lot.

“Well *I* heard that not only can’t Osama hold a job, he’s hung like an acorn, too.”

According to Edwards, the Gossip and International Tale Mongerer Organization (GITMO) would “allow members to voluntarily share financial, police, customs and immigration intelligence. Together, nations will be able to track the way terrorists travel, communicate, recruit, train and finance their operations”.
“Everyone knows that endlessly bitching about something,” said Edwards, “beats the hell out of actually taking concrete action. The ladies know what I’m talking about.”
Edwards said his brilliant idea came to him after reflecting on his own life. “It occurred to me,” mused the Democratic candidate, “that nothing has hurt my feelings more than finding out that people said mean things about me behind my back. When that happens, I’m WAY too busy curled up in a corner crying to place roadside bombs or fly planes into buildings. There’s absolutely no reason to believe that GITMO wouldn’t have the same exact effect on terrorists.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi embraced the plan with great enthusiasm. “As a backbiting old hen of several decades, I can assure you that there is no greater weapon of mass destruction than a juicy rumor when spread by prattling, long-nosed magpies. Even the most powerful man on Earth can be utterly destroyed with a little defamatory scuttlebutting. Like when the Democrats started telling everyone that Bush lied about Iraq, which was an impeachable offense for which he… ok, well, that wasn’t a good example, but you get the idea.”
President Bush was dismissively unimpressed with Edwards’s plan. “We already have a GITMO for combatting terrorism, and unless Silky Pony’s crack-headed notion includes big-piped toilets for flushing Korans, it’s going to be about as useful as a bucket of warm spit – except without the bucket – just like every other idea that queefing little pansy’s ever had.”

Democrat Senator Slogan

The Democrats, taking heat from both the left-wing blogs and Osama bin Laden for not doing more to end the Iraq War, are in a bit of a bind right now. In an attempt to help themselves, the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee had a contest to come up with a catchy new bumper sticker slogan, but here’s the winner:


“Sorry, W, I’m the decider.”

So, in other words, their big new strategy for what they’ll do in 2009 is “We hate booooosh!” Pretty lame. Plus, they’re obviously not the decider considering that President Bush has minuscule approval ratings and the Democrats still have no power to leverage any accomplishments.
So what would be a better slogan for Democrat Senators? Here are some of my ideas:
* Impotence raised to an art form.
* Eventually we’ll accomplish something.
* Wide stances.
* Since we call Harry Reid our leader, you should be happy we’re not more of a failure.
* Now with less Jews.
* Total ass! (goes well with a picture of the Democratic donkey)
* Doing whatever the wiener kids on the internet tell us to.
What’s you idea for a slogan for the Democrat Senators? Put it in the comments and the best one will win… High Praise!

The Similarities Between Osama Bin Laden and Left-Wing Bloggers

Some people seemed surprised that Osama bin Laden sounds exactly like a left-wing blogger, but it’s not surprising at all if you’ve been paying attention. Just look at all the similarities between the two:
SIMILARITIES BETWEEN OSAMA BIN LADEN AND LEFT WING BLOGGERS
* Are very much against the Bush Administration’s harsh interrogation techniques.
* Attitude towards contractors killed in Fallujah: “Screw ’em!”
* Can’t wait for Brian De Palma’s movie showing the “reality” of being a U.S. soldier.
* Are sure they’re the real mainstream.
* Don’t allow dissent from followers.
* Are quite concerned about Bush Administration wiretaps.
* Think Keith Olbermann is brilliant.
* Hate having to keep hidden from most of society.
* Think those who disagree with them aren’t only wrong but evil.
* Hate — hate — Joe Lieberman.
* Despite the stark scientific evidence to the contrary, are still convinced the Dan Rather memos were real.
* Despise average American.
* Think Stephen Colbert’s humor is edgy.
* Protested ABC showing The Path to 9/11 because of the way it portrayed people they respected.
* Don’t bathe as often as the average American.
* Say they cares for the oppressed but come from a very privileged upbringing.
* Tell people they’re the only “real conservatives.”
* Favorite candidate of the Democrat front runners: John Edwards.
* Think gay Republicans should be exposed and publicly punished.
* Love making impotent threats.
* Celebrate and wish the worst when a Republican gets cancer.
* Sole focus is to get power, but not sure what they’d actually do were they to achieve it.
* Hate America and the West.

Further Thoughts on the Osama Bin Laden Sounding Like a Left-Wing Blogger

  • We usually assumed Osama bin Laden filmed these videos in some cave, but after him sounding like a left-wing blogger, I wonder if he actually films in his parents basement?
  • At least with Osama joining the ranks, it will mean more diversity at the next YearlyKos.
  • So I wonder what Osama’s next threat will be? That he’ll release a vicious rant and an important action alert?

Daily Fred Thompson Fact

Fred Thompson plans to keep a big pile of dead terrorists on the front lawn of the White House as a testament to fighting ability of American troops. He’d do it at his current home if it weren’t for the HOA regulations.