“I’m Anderson Cooper…” he pirouetted. “…360, and this is the Democratic presidential debate on CNN! Let’s start with opening statements. First up, Hillary Clinton.”
“I will be president! It is inevitable!” she pounded her podium, cracking it. “Your only choice is whether you stand behind me or whether you get in my way and feel my horrible wrath!”

“Barack Obama, your turn.”
“I’m Barack Obama.”
Cooper was quiet a moment waiting for Obama to continue. “Is that your entire opening statement?”
“That’s all I got… well, that and my winning smile.” Obama smiled and the audience erupted in applause.
“John Edwards, your statement.”
“I want to unite the two Americas and end poverty and…” He started giggling. “I just can’t stand how fabulous my hair is today. I hope their broadcasting this in HD, because you really just need to admire my hair.” He ran his hand through it. “I could just feel it all day; I really could.”
“Now on to the second and third tier candidates,” Cooper said. “Since no one really cares what you all have to say, please be quick. Bill Richardson.”
“I’m a governor, and you should all know that governor’s are who usually become president, not Senators.”
“Dennis Kucinich.”
“We have to stop the mind controlling space lasers… with peace!”
“Mike Gravel.”
“Rocks go in the river! Throw the rocks in the river!”
“Chris Dodd.”
“I don’t even know anything about me.”
“And I should note that Joe Biden has decided not to give an opening statement to reduce the chance of him using a racial slur or some similar gaffe. Very wise of him.” Cooper turned towards a large TV screen. “We in the media have been criticized for asking stupid, insipid questions, so to prove that things can be worse we asked the public to submit questions on YouTube. As expected, intelligent, thoughtful people didn’t seem especially motivated to videotape themselves asking a question, but we went through what we had and found the most coherent and those least likely to make you give up hope in all humanity. Here’s the first one.”
On screen was a man staring into the camera with great confusion. “Is this recording? How do I know if this is recording? Maybe I need to hit this button again…” He reached forward and the screen went black.
“That actually was one of the best one’s submitted,” Cooper said. “Since it wasn’t addressed to anyone in particular, who wants it?”
“I’ll take it,” Richardson says. “I believe the camera was recording.”
Everyone else nodded in agreement.
“Good,” Cooper said. “This next question is for Hillary.”
On screen was some goth chick. “My question is for Hillary Clinton. As the the first openly evil presidential candidate, what are your plans for America?”
“If you knew the full extent of my plans, you would die from fear. Sill, I will say I plan to spread misery and pain to all Americans, but less misery and pain to those who do my bidding.”
“Any rebuttals?” Cooper asked.
“NONE SHALL DARE REBUT ME!” Hillary screeched.
“Okay. Next question.”
On screen was a woman. “This question is for Barack Obama. With Iraq possibly in a civil war and turmoil throughout the Middle East, how do you plan to stabilize that region and end America’s presence in Iraq without genocide erupting afterwards?”
Obama thought for a few moments, and finally replied, “I’m Barack Obama!” He smiled, and the audience erupted in applause. “I think I’m winning the debate!”
“Probably, next question is for Edwards.”
On screen was a man who looked like a hobo. “This is for John Edwards. What made you so interested in the cause of poverty?”
“One day I saw some people outside the front gate of my mansion. They looked like ants from so far away, but I used some binoculars and saw they were poor people. Then the most horrible thing happened: My security came out and started beating them. The government has to stop that!”
“Um… just to clarify,” Cooper said, “you’re asking for the government to stop your security guards from beating poor people?”
“Well, I can’t stop them myself; those people are large and scary. What if they got angry and damaged my fabulous hair?!” Edwards ran his hand through. “Isn’t it just luscious? Don’t you want to touch it?”
Cooper was quiet for a moment, but then he reached out his hand. “Yes… I do want to touch it…”
“Hey!” Hillary yelled. “We agreed in the ground rules that there would be no time outs to touch Edwards’s hair!”
“Fine, here’s the next question.”
On screen appeared a young woman. “This question is for Dennis Kucinich. I saw you standing in front of my neighbor’s house all week wearing a blue coat and a pointy red hat. Why was that?”
“Thanks, I get that question a lot. That’s actually a lawn gnome. A lawn gnome makes a house seem whimsical and welcoming and thus it actually accomplishes more than I do in Congress. Still, when I’m president, I want people to say, ‘Though Dennis Kucinich looks like a lawn gnome, he has actually accomplished much more than said lawn ornament.”
Hillary laughed. “Not likely. Why do I have to share the stage with this freak? When the power of America is mine, I vow never have to be as near someone as freakish as Dennis Kucinich again… except maybe for foreign diplomacy.”
Dodd raised his hand. “Do I get a question?”
“No,” Cooper replied. “I’m afraid there isn’t anyone with enough spare times on his hands — even on the internet — to videotape a question for you.”
Dodd hung his head. “Aww. Dodd sad.”
“We now — surprisingly — have a question for Joe Biden.”
A man holding a rifle appeared on screen. “I was wondering what Joe Biden thinks of gun rights and whether he’ll try and take my firearms.”
“Of course I’ll take your gun!” Biden screamed. “You’re a crazy sick man to have one! I will take your gun, lock you up, and then beat your children! Anyone who owns a gun is insane!” Biden turned towards a man off stage. “You, with the gun! You’re sick!”
The man looked confused. “I’m part of security here.”
Biden started walking towards him. “You’re insane! I’m going to take your gun! And then I’m going to stangle you! And then I’ll strangle your wife! And then I’ll–”
Biden was cut off by a gun shot.
“Well, Biden just got himself shot because of his frank language we all know and love,” Cooper said, “but since he’s only a second tier candidate, I think we can go on without him.”
“Can someone get him off stage and throw him in a dumpster?” Hillary demanded.
“He’s still alive,” Cooper answered.
“Do I look like I care? Get it done!”
Some people dragged away Biden. “This next question is for John Edwards.”
A woman with heavy makeup appeared on screen. “Senator Edwards, how do you get your hair so bouncy?”
Edwards smiled. “I’m glad you asked that question. First you need to–”
“ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF MY PENIS?!!” Anderson screamed at Edwards.
Edwards looked completely dumbfounded. “No, I’m just–”
“You’re watching me, hoping my pants fall so you can take my picture of my penis!”
Edwards was stunned silent, but eventually he hung his head shamefully. “Yes, I was trying to take a picture of your penis. I’m sorry.” He put away his camera phone.
Anderson kept glaring at Edwards suspiciously. “The next question is for Hillary.”
A man came on screen. “Hillary Clinton, will you keep nuclear weapons on the table in your dealings with Iran?”
“I hope we can create a dialog with them and such threats won’t be necessary, but if they ever get in the way of my political ambitions, I will nuke them and any country next to them! And I will eat their children’s bones!”
“Any responses to that?” Cooper asked.
“I’m Barack Obama!” Obama smiled, and the audience erupted in applause. “I think I won the debate!”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” Cooper said. “Since that’s all the Democrat idiocy FCC regulations allows for one day, that concludes our debate. Thank you for watching CNN. CNN: Even more scared of FOX News than the Democrats.”