Archive of entries posted on March 2006

Good Morning, America. (Except for you, President Bush. You make me sick.)

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ABC News’ John R. Green (In case you’re wondering exactly who this guy is, ask him at john.r.green@abc.com) is apparently allergic to President Bush somehow.
In an email back in September 2004, he wrote:

“Are you watching this? Bush makes me sick. If he uses the ‘mixed messages’ line one more time, I’m going to puke.”

Now, in Green’s defense, one cannot immediately assume that when he wrote Bush it was refering to President Bush. After all, Barbara Bush sorta looks like George Washington these days, so it’s not uncommon for someone to mistake the veterable matron of our First Family’s dynasty for a man.
Then there’s the possibility that he was watching one of those Bush Baked Beans commercials. You know, where the guy tries to keep his dog Duke from divulging the family secret recipe for baked beans. But in that case, Green should have said “If he uses the ‘roll that beautiful bean footage’ line one more time” instead of what he said. Unless he had the sound turned down and the Closed Captioners were smoking crack that day, of course (It could happen)
One could also determine that Green meant to write Busch instead of Bush. Believe me, I’ve known plenty of executive producers, and their spelling leaves a lot to be desired. And if you’re drinking Busch at 11 in the morning like this guy would have been, yeah, it’s going to make you really sick no matter what you’re watching. Plus, you’re very likely to miss the C key on your keyboard when writing emails blitzed on Busch, let alone the urinal when you’re finished with that Busch beer at noon.
Now I’ve assuming here that the B is capitalized in Bush because it’s a proper name. But as we all know, assuming makes an ass out of you and Spacemonkey. So, since it comes at the start of a sentence, it could actually be just a bush. Lower-case b, the thing that God set on fire to spook the pants off of Moses (although it was a Burning Bush in that case… never mind)
If we follow this possibility, instead of “Bush makes me sick” it’s “bush makes me sick.” Like he’s fruity or something…
Nah. Gays in television? Perish the thought. Next thing you know, they’ll hire Jews.
Another meaning for bush is a sexual one, which suggests he was watching low-budget, crackwhore-on-midget pornography while at work. Hrm…
I’d just as well assume it’s the last example in this case, and you should to. After all, even though ABC News has biased and unashamed leftists like Mike Halperin on the payroll as a Political Director, ABC News’ decades-long reputation as the most-watched news source for Americans should speak for itself and allay any fears that there are biased and angry moonbats on the staff masquerading as television professionals. Especially now that their smug chainsmoking Canadian is dead.
This doesn’t quite explain the whole “mixed messages” phrase all that much, even though that phrase could be a turn-on if you say it in a deep, sultry voice…
And there you go. With all this in mind, if you come across titles such as “Mixed Messages In Bondage” or “Meaty Bouncy Mixed Messages” while shopping for pornography, I’d strongly suggest steering away from that title. Look for some kind of Seal Of Approval on the cover, or at least a random bodily fluid stain to show that someone approved of the contents.
This has been a public service message from your friend, Laurence Simon. NOW GO TO BED!

The UNHRC Membership Contest

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Well, the good news is that the horribly corrupt and badly-implemented Commission on Human Rights (aka “Committee of Human Rights Violators”) at the United Nations has been abolished. Hooray.
The bad news is that it has been replaced with the equally-corrupt and badly-implemented United Nations Human Rights Council. Boo.
Since y’all have probably been on the edge of your seats with the 65 (since when has it been 65?) picks in March Madness, I figured that there’d be a good idea to hold a contest to predict the 47 nations you think will be on the new UNHRC.
Post your guesses in the comments. Winner will receive a custom set of M&M’s that say “I READ IMAO.US” Or something else that says IMAO if it’s much funnier, like “IMAO BITES.”
Okay, how about some rules?

  • One roster per person, and no changes once you’ve posted them.
  • If nobody gets all 47, then the roster with the most correct answers will win.
  • Ties will be resolved by a random drawing, because even I couldn’t understand the goofy system the World Baseball Classic used.
  • There is no entry fee, so if FrankJ hits you up for five bucks via PayPal for this thing I have no idea what he’s talking about. (I’m still getting 20%, right?)
  • In a fight between Aquaman and the United Nations Human Rights Commission, nobody wins.
  • “The Kingdom of Gondor” is not a country, you moron.
  • If you are allergic to candy or diabetic and die from eating these things, it’s your own darn fault. We’ll bury you with them, okay?
  • People who need more rules than these to handle a simple fun contest will be disqualified.

I originally considered holding a contest to predict who would be the target of their first resolution, but come on… isn’t that obvious?

I’m Beneficially Incompetent

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Senator Harry Reid called Bush “dangerously incompetent” as opposed to Reid’s own much more innocuous “bumbling incompetence.” This may just be election year rhetoric, but there have been some evidence that Bush is indeed incompetent… incompetent to levels of dangerousness!
EVIDENCE OF BUSH’S DANGEROUS INCOMPETENCE
* Instead of a laser pointer for presentations, he uses the laser sight on a cocked .45.
* Lost the nuclear launch codes when Barney snatched them and ran off.
* Stores Drano in juice boxes in clear reach of children.
* Keeps losing the pins to his Presidential grenades.
* Usually spends his entire paycheck on lottery tickets.
* Every time he gets a hankering for a hunk of cheese, he ends up with a mousetrap on his hand… or his face.
* Never replace the roll of toilet paper.
* Almost had Greece obliterated because he thought he saw it move on a map.
* Suggested we could help calm Iraq by tainting the drinking water with LSD.
* When meeting new foreign dignitaries, he hugs just a little too hard.
* Tried to sell the Judicial Branch to Dubai.
* Has yet to eliminate his feeble opponents such as Harry Reid.
So, yeah, maybe Bush is a bit dangerously incompetent, but he’s still better than all the alternatives I’ve seen. Plus, he’s just so much fun!

Must… Get… More… Money…

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In addition to the high quality shirts from ThoseShirts.com (BTW, the military slogan shirt is now shipping), we’re now starting a IMAO CafePress shop to offer t-shirt ideas that are more targeted (i.e. not as big a market for them) as the shirts from ThoseShirts.com plus other products. It’s under construction right now, and all that is availble for the moment is the Ronin logo shirt (with the nuke logo on the front). You can sign up for the newsletter to find out as we add more IMAO humor in merchandise form.
So, what kind of products are you guys looking for?
UPDATE: Chomps will return in CafePress form.

Fun Trivia

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Why are children with conservative leanings more whiny in nursery school (according to a BS Berkeley study)?

Continue reading ‘Fun Trivia’ »

If Democrats Ran Iraq

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(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
The new Iraqi Parliament that was elected last December has finally been sworn in, but – due to an egregious mix-up at the ballot box – it turned out that all those elected were actually American Democrats.
Vowing to “do for Iraq what Bushitler won’t let us do for America”, the new Parliament promised to do the following during its first 100 days:

  • Outlaw use of the word “terrorist” – replace it with “person of murder”.
  • No more death penalty. Except for those who refer to a person of murder as a “terrorist”
  • Also outlawed will be the phrase “camel jockey”, unless it’s used at an actual camel race.
  • Or by a rap artist.
  • It will be illegal to bow toward Mecca at a public school.
  • Having a non-denominational “moment of bending” isn’t acceptable either.
  • No one will be allowed to draw cartoons of Jesus, Buddha, or Moses. However, the Iraqi government WILL fund artworks such as the urine-soaked holy book, “Whiz Koran”.
  • No cartoons of Cindy Sheehan, either, because her son died for George Bush’s sins.
  • BUUUUUUUUUUUSH! shakes fist at sky
  • Floor sweeping will be forbidden in all bars and restaurants, due to the hazards of “secondhand dirt”.
  • Meanwhile, the tax on brooms will be raised another 50 cents.
  • No one will be allowed to own a gun except for police and persons of murder.
  • Camel spiders will now be considered an endangered species, and no oil drilling will be allowed in their habitats.
  • Unless the oil is being sold to France, Germany, Russia, or China.
  • All camels will be required to get an average of 28 miles per gallon of water.
  • 38 for the economy 1-hump models
  • Witnesses in court trials have to swear to tell the truth while placing their hand on a copy of “Heather Has Two Mommies“.
  • All of Saddam’s old presidential Palaces will be re-named “The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Palace”, followed by a Roman numeral.
  • And stop nagging Senator Byrd to apologize for his Klan membership! You people are like a pitbull on a mailman’s leg with that!
  • All sand dunes will be made wheelchair accessible.
  • The new Iraqi flag will be an upside down American flag with a picture of Michael Moore’s butt on it.
  • Women will have equal rights. To apply for these rights, they should send a resume to intern@cigarsinparliament.com.

Frankly, I’d be ok with all of these, as long as they make “Democracy! Whiskey! Sexy!” the new Iraqi National anthem. (explanatory reference)

I Hate Making Other People Money

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Why didn’t someone tell me IMAO.com was coming up for sale? It was just bought for $2,150, and, from the looks of IMAO.com, it’s one of those sites made to get traffic from people meaning to come here.
So what happened to the Japanese handle makers?
(thanks to reader Hutz for alerting me to this)
UPDATE: Apparently there was a whole auction for it and everything. Eh, I couldn’t have afforded it anyway.

One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue kid.

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Does your child complain constantly? Does she have pictures on her wall of Ann Coulter? Does your son threaten to go “nuh-ku-ler”? Congratulations — you have yourself a little conservative. Or at least, that’s the finding from a researcher from Berkeley (City Motto: We Don’t Have a City Motto Because They’re Fascist), California.
To summarize the study: Some students were whiney and grew to become conservatives. Others had more of a ‘laissez fair’ attitude and grew to become individual strong liberals. (Hat tip: Michelle Malkin)
As you look at this study you have to ask yourself some important questions: How objective were these observations? Were they accurate? And what exactly is ‘laissez fair’? And is it allowed on prime time TV?
IMAO readers can be proud of the fact that IMAO bloggers pour over the data that others refuse to read because it may contain big words and have zero pictures. We then take this data and throw it away in favor simple words and immature drawings. (Which I’ll post later when my scanner works.)
Here is yet another Fake But Accurate Summary of the researchers and their findings.
The Berkeley Report: One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue Kid.
Observation: Suzie complains to the teacher: “Billy’s making fun of my hair.”
Notes: Billy seems to enjoy yanking on Suzie’s pigtails and calling her names. We do not suspect there is any misogyny involved.
Conclusion: By complaining, Suzie shows that she does not respect Billy’s right to free speech.
Observation: Suzie making fun of John’s “corn rows”.
Note: John is not your typical Caucasian so his parents got him a cool hairstyle. Suzie asked him, “Why did you get corn-rows?” This was clearly inappropriate.
Conclusion: Suzie is demonstrating an insensitivity to hairstyles and reflects a narrow-minded, mono-cultural focus.
Observation: John asked the teacher’s permission to use the bathroom.
Note: Permission is required at some fascist school organizations before one can perform perfectly normal body functions.
Conclusion: Asking permission reflects an extreme dependence on authority figures and rules.
Observation: Jimmy took a pee out the window.
Conclusion: Jimmy exemplifies free thinking.

Continue reading ‘One kid. Two kid. Red kid. Blue kid.’ »

Skinheads are such boneheads

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Demonstrating how far Europe has advanced since the end of World War II, Neo-Nazis are now threatening to slaughter Muslims at World Cup events.
Instead of calling them skinheads, perhaps it’s time to call them boneheads.
Why? Well…

“We are united. For the first time we are talking and planning together, with the English, the Germans, the Dutch, the Spanish, everyone with the same objective. At the World Cup there will be a massacre,” said the Italian ultra.
“We will all be in Germany and there will be Turks, Algerians and Tunisians. The Turks, we can’t stand them. In our country (Italy) there are not many, but in Germany, there are many of those guys there. They are Islamic terrorists.
“We will attack them. They are all enemies that need to be eliminated, just like the police. If we make the Roman greeting (the fascist salute) they put us in prison. We will be tens of thousands. Nothing but the English are feared.”

So they’re going to go out in large groups and attack Muslims? Talk about the fallacy of planning for the last war… sheesh! Next thing you know, you’ll brand numbers on their wrists, make them sew crescents to their shirts and build BMW engines in work camps.
How dreadfully Forties. Been there, done that, and Iran’s denied it time and time again.
Come on, guys. Everybody knows that all you need to do is publish a bunch of cartoons mocking Mohammed and the Muslims will riot and kill themselves by the dozens.
And there’s the added advantage that it pits your enemies against each other – police in riot gear vs. rioting Muslims.
No wonder why they lost World War Two.

In My World: At Least He Didn’t Become a Jew

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“Since it’s your millionth birthday today, I think I’ll let you ask a question, Helen,” President Bush said at his press conference.
“What were your real reasons for war?” Helen Thomas screeched.
“To be honest,” Bush stated, “I once took a look at your horrid visage, you shriveled old hag, and it became burned in my memory. I could neither eat nor sleep because of it, and I decided the only way I could get your corpse-face out of my head was to commit to a large scale war.”
“Why did you lie about your reasons for war?” Thomas said as a follow up.
“Because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Then, I realized you don’t have any since your brain long ago faded to dust and your head is probably just full of cobwebs and crumpled up Chinese newspapers.”
“Where are my pills?” Thomas demanded.
“I had the Secret Service confiscate them, and I hope you need them to live. Next question!”
Bush turned off the TV and looked to Scott McClellan. “See, that’s how you handle a press conference, doughy.”
Scott stared. “Yes, sir.”
“Now get me a soda, bitch!”
Scott hurried off, and then the phone rang. “Hello, I’m President Bush,” President Bush answered.
“Hi, it’s Hamid Karzai.”
“Who?”
“You know, President of Afghanistan.”
Bush thought for a moment. “Oh yeah, I forgot all about that place with Iraq and all. How are things going? Do you need a new fluffy hat?”
“Things are good, President Bush. I just thought I’d check in to make sure American support is still there.”
“Anything new going on?”
“No… well, we are thinking of executing a man for converting to Christianity, but nothing too new.”
“Yeah, gotta watch those Christians. Nice talking to you.” Bush hung up the phone, took a drink of water, and then suddenly sprayed it all over his desk. “Executed for being a Christian!” Bush shouted, “I’m a Christian!” Bush picked up the phone and dialed a number. “Is this the State Department?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I hear they are thinking of executing someone in Afghanistan for being a Christian; are you guys doing anything about it?”
“We are familiar with the case about Abdul Rahman, but have decided not to do anything since that’s hard and stuff. You know, we really don’t like confronting other countries; sometimes that makes them mad.”
“You guys are useless!” Bush yelled.
“Pretty much; anyway, we’re in the middle of a poker game, so I’ll have to talk later.” The State Department then hung up.
“I’ll have to get someone who can do something,” Bush vowed. He then picked up the phone once more. “Operator, get me Buck.”
“Buck who?”
“Buck… the Marine!”

Buck was resting in his base when he was told he had a phone call. “Hello? …Yes, this is Buck… Buck the Marine, that is… Am I in Afghanistan now?” Buck looked around. “Well, there’s lots of sand and Muslims around, but that seems like all the places I’ve been lately. Hey, when can I come back to America? …No, Mr. President, no wars have been won by whining. I’m sorry. What do you want me to do? …That’s awful. Things really aren’t accommodating here for Christians. It’s quite hard to find a good church. I’ll check on this Rahman person… Yes, I can try some diplomacy, but I’ll have to look up what that word means first… Yes, I can share the definition with you when I look it up… No, I don’t want to buy any ports. Anyway, I’ll get to the mission.”

“Is it true you’re a Christian?”
“I am! I follow Jesus Christ!” Rahman answered.
“What’s wrong with Islam?” the inquisitor asked. “Don’t you like the ‘not getting executed’ part of being a Muslim?”
“There’s more to religion than not getting executed!” Rahman declared. “If Islam is so great, you wouldn’t have to threaten people with death!”
“He continues to blaspheme Islam!” the inquisitor shouted. “We’ll see how much you like your precious Jesus when you’re chopped to little pieces!”
“Ain’t no chopping going on!” Buck declared as he entered the room. “If you want to kill a Christian, then you try and kill me!”
“But you weren’t first a Muslim!” the inquisitor stated.
Buck looked at Rahman suspiciously. “Why were you a Muslim?”
“I never got a Bible when I was younger, but now I have one,” Rahman said, and held up his Bible.
“That looks like a Koran,” Buck remarked.
“That’s because it’s in Arabic, fool!” the inquisitor said.
Buck looked confused. “You can put Bibles in Arabic now?”
“Enough of this!” the inquisitor shouted. “It is obvious that Rahman is an unapologetic Christian and has rejected the great prophet Mohammed! He must die!”
“You wait a second here,” Buck declared. “I kill for’ners, and executing people for their religion is pretty foreign. You don’t want to cross me!”
“And what will you do, infidel?”

“A number of Afghans were beaten with an Arabic Bible by an unnamed Marine named Buck,” said the news anchor. “The State Department says they don’t plan on doing anything other than releasing a statement saying they don’t plan on doing anything. We’re still waiting for that statement.”
Bush turned from the TV to look at Laura. “With all the problems in the world, how does one decide where to start?”
Laura patted Bush on the head. “I always start with dusting the cabinets.”

Apparently Everyone Thinks Abortion Is Murder

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People who support abortion do everything they can to not actually talk about the issue. The most popular is using the word “choice” instead of ever saying “abortion.” Now, I see a lot of people charging that the only reason people are against abortion is because they want to control women (which allows them to just say, “Well, I don’t need to debate them; they’re just a bunch of women-haters.”). Kevin Drum, a liberal who usually approaches issues with some intelligence, has decided to be a nimrod about abortion and taken this now popular stance.
So the question is, if abortions supporters do so much mental gymnastics to avoid talking about or debating abortion, is that because they feel it’s murder and don’t want to talk about it?

Carnival Of Comedy Reminder

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On Thursday, March 23rd Steve The Pirate will be hosting Carnival of Comedy #47 at his self titled blog. It’s always “talk like a pirate day” when Steve is around.. Even when he’s not talking in the traditional pirate dialect, Steve’s still talking like a pirate because he IS a pirate.
Future Carnival Schedule:
Want to host? Email me at spacemonkey@imao.us with “Host Carnival Of Comedy” as the subject.
Want to enter? Go here, or here.

American Idol 5 Top 11 (DVR-delayed liveblog)

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Ryan’s dressed up like he’s going somewhere important, but Ryan, you’re just gonna hear the Earsore sing, so big whoop.
Do I have to stress YET AGAIN that I don’t like Kellie Pickler because she’s a fake moron and CAN’T SING. Yes, I agree, she’s hot. Big deal, so is Carrie Underwood, and I love her.
Oh wow, Taylor is wearing the suit that his dad wore to the prom many moons ago. Oh, the songs are from the ’50s, that would explain it.
Simon thinks Taylor, Chris, and Kellie are going to be the top 3. That’s what I read he said this weekend anyway. Lemme tell you, picking Kellie over Mandisa or Lisa or Katharine? Simon’s finally had enough of Paula and stoled her vodka.

Continue reading ‘American Idol 5 Top 11 (DVR-delayed liveblog)’ »

I Need to Listen More to the Voices in My Head

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A kat wrote this comment to today’s post War Within Reason:

you are an idiot. you only listen to what people tell you, (but of course only if you want to be in “their club”) do some independent research

“you only listen to what people tell you” – that’s an interesting insult. Maybe I should do more spying – listening to what people tell others – but isn’t that what got Bush in trouble?

Nothing gets between me and my Al Quds… well, except for a kilo of C-4

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As comfortable as my Storytelling Pants are, apparently Muslims need a special pair of Islam Jeans to be comfy while praying now:

A new line of jeans designed by a small company in northern Italy caters to Muslims seeking to stay comfortable while they pray.
The bagginess is to ensure the wearer avoids stiffness while bending down repeatedly during prayers. The pockets are for holding all the accessories Muslims have to take off while they worship. And the jeans have green seams — because green is the sacred color of Islam.
Al Quds representatives said a year of research and testing went into the product, with models being asked to try different versions of the jeans while they prayed.
Abdel Hamid Shaari, president of the Islamic Cultural Institute in Milan, said low-priced jeans specifically designed to keep Muslims comfortable could open up a big market in Islamic countries and countries with large Muslim populations.
Al Quds — the Arabic name for Jerusalem — has produced an initial 9,500 pairs that it sold to the French retailer Carrefour SA. The retailer has sold an initial batch of about 50 pairs of jeans at a low promotional price of Ä18.90 ($22.53) in its centers in Italy, company officials said. Corradi said the regular price would be Ä25 ($30.44).

So what slogan will they use to market the Al Quds jeans?
My suggestions:

  1. “Occupy my territory.”
  2. Don’t you want to Al-Aqsa me about my Al Quds?”
  3. “Jeans to die for.”
  4. “Is that a lump of C-4 in your Al Quds, or are you just happy to see me?”
  5. “They’ll have to kill me at Gitmo before I’ll give up my Al Quds.”
  6. “Baby, don’t go putting up a Separation Barrier around my Al Quds.”
  7. “You don’t have to ask the waqf to get into my Al Quds.”
  8. “Not even an explosion can rip these seams.”

What do you think?