Tomorrow is our country’s anniversary (and, more importantly, on the 9th is IMAO’s 5th blogiversary), so I thought I’d go over America’s history since it’s the most awesome country ever.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Pilgrims sailed to the continent of North America looking for new land where they could be free. There, they met Indians who said, “We’re done with this land; you can have it now. Here’s some corn.” Everyone was happy, but then the British (who were evil back then), put big taxes on stamps. Americans, bred by the magic of the land to not put up with crap, responded by throwing all the tea and crumpets in the harbor. The British then sent Jack the Ripper after the Americans and he massacred people in Boston. Fed up, the Americans wrote the Declaration of Independence, which was pretty much just six pages of swear words directed at the king of England. This meant war, and there was much kung fu fighting. Eventually America dropped an atomic bomb on Nagasaki, forcing the British to surrender. Then, to prove America is the most awesome country ever, they put a man on the moon. The end.
You forgot abot the Ninja Monkeys, and the plan to Nuke the Moon.
So why would Jack the Ripper’s presence cause Americans to massacre people in Boston?
Karl Childers couldn’t have explained it as well! But you left out the part where we stopped calling french fried taters french fries. Please fix this glaring omission.
What?!?!? No mention of Paul Revere’s ride on the Enola Gay? Pickett’s Charge up Bunker Hill? Lee surrendering to Hugh Grant after the failed Tet Offensive of 1868? The peace and prosperity of the Carter administration?
Geeeeze! Didn’t you go to school stupid?
(“Yes…and I came out the same way.”)
How could you leave out the army of Paul-bots murdering Alexander Hamilton for setting up the Federal Reserve System in 1791, or their numerous rampages in the 1940’s to disrupt water fluoridation experiments?
You wouldn’t want to anger the Paul-bots, would you?
You pretty much summed it up! You forgot about the part though where the orig. settlers left England to find decent dental care…
This definitely needs expansion – series?
My additions:
– In 1935 Indiana Jones found the Ark of the Covenant and gave it to FDR guaranteeing American military superiority forever.
– American history is divided into two periods: BT, before the birth of Fred Thompson and Anno Domine or AFT, for the common era.
You missed the most important one of all:
8/19/42: Fred Thompson was born
Wait a minute…
We were attacked by the King of England, so we dropped an atomic bomb on Nagasaki?
I guess George Bush used the American Revolution as an excuse to steal sushi from the peaceful people of Japan.
NO BLOOD FOR WASABI!!!
Where in the history of our great country did we take the wrong turn and end up with liberals like Chrissy Mathews?
Anno domini – damnit it’s been awhile since Latin class
You forgot the part about the invention of sliced bread. And, what about the Salem witch hunts where they went after anybody who made claymation Christmas specials?
“The British then sent Jack the Ripper after the Americans and he massacred people in Boston.”
That wasn’t what got them riled up though.
He tried to steal their guns.
Trying to take Americans guns…big mistake…huge…
Fred Thompson kicked his limey arse for that.
The whole Republic was formed and the government instituted with the understanding that Mr. Fred Thompson would be President in 2009!