We are going to be facing a challenging election in 2008, but we’ve got a bit of a problem: Current Republicans kinda suck. They’re old, they move slowly, they don’t listen, and some of them kinda smell. If the Republican Party wants to succeed in the future, we need a brand new breed of Republicans. We need to give all the old Republicans a shiny new watch, say, “Thanks for your service,” and then air out their offices in time for the dynamic breed of Republicans: The Next Generation.
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So, how do we find great new Republicans to run for office, one who will stay steady on the war, secure the borders, and kick ass wherever an ass needs kicking?
American Idol.
American Idol has been successful at publicly selecting new singing stars who go one to sell multi-platinum albums. Why can’t a similar format select great new Republicans who would then go on to win elections and terrorize our enemies?
First step, we need good judges to weed out the best Republicans from those who tryout. We don’t want a Sanjaya Republican to make it to later rounds, someone who seems good at first but ends up being tone deaf on core issues. My first choice for judge would be Ann Coulter. She’s not always my favorite pundit, but she’s quite frank and will tear someone apart when needed. I’d say my choice for the other two judges (you always have three judges) would be Rush Limbaugh and Michelle Malkin… but that’s just off the top of my head. Anyway, getting the right judges will be key as I assume there will be a lot of people trying out to be Republicans and trying to impress us with their rhetoric, and we want only the best to get to the later rounds where the public will vote. So initial rounds will quiz the Republican tryouts on all the key issues and the judges will toss out all the ones who don’t measure up.
Then we make it to the final round where the Republican wannabes will tell us their plans for war and taxes and then the public will vote on their favorite at the end of each show. Each show will be different topics they’ll have to debate on as the public weeds out the weaker ones. Finally, only one will be left and he or she will be named a new Republican and automatically become the Republican’s candidate for a seat in the House of Representatives or a Senate seat. Now all the people who voted for this Republican on the show won’t be able to wait to vote for him or her for real.
This is a genius idea. I’m sure that after we do it, there will be pale weak imitations like So You Want to Be a Democrat, but there’s no way they’ll be as successful (who wants to watch an hour of people trying to out whine each other?).
So, let’s get to this. If the Republican Party wants to succeed, it needs great, new candidates, and what better way to find them than a huge public spectacle? That’s not a rhetorical question; what better way is there to find someone we know everyone will want to vote for? You can’t name one. I win.
Brilliant!
Problem with this is that we can only find one Republican at a time. I think we’ll need more than one per year.
I’d prefer a public spectacle in which the candidates for Republicanism meet in San Francisco, where their presence is announced two weeks beforehand. The one who kills the most demonstrators gets to be a Republican. Even if nobody won, it would get rid of a lot of smelly hippies.
That is an incredibly good idea. If I were a financier, I’d bankroll it.
I’d ditch Malkin and have Coulter, Rush and JD Hayworth. His Talk Radio show, and Congressional record show he’d be a good pick. That and we need some AZ Republican flavor to wash out the bad McCain/Kyl taste in the electorates mouths.
Frank, you are a fricking genius! After hearing Newt complain about the Republicans letting Chris Matthews dominate them, I have to agree with him and then you come along with the best idea ever! I think to show that Republicans mean business we should make failure have consequences. If you lose the competition you get penalized (like homo stoning in Iran only somewhat less severe) — to show weak willed democRATic sissies that Republicans are willing to risk something for what they believe.
If it’s free to try out, I’m in…it shouldn’t cost any money to run for a government position you know? That way, this political crap doesn’t run in the family.
We don’t even need to go that far. Just have Simon moderate the debates:
“That was awful.”
“How do you think you did?”
“Do you have a debate coach? Do you have a lawyer? You should sue your coach.”
The host of the show should be Mary Katherine Ham (love her) and the qualifying round should be how quick and creative you can make a hippie cry.
Alternative judge panel: SarahK, Ted Nugent, and Kim du Toit
Coulter supports Duncan Hunter over Fred! How good can her judgment be?
Frank, for the love of God find out how to pitch this to Fox News — you can tell them that no matter how it’s received by the public, it will pull better ratings than the Half Hour News Hour. I’d try to shoehorn Mark Levin into the panel, though — he’s probably about as frank as Coulter and his rabid pro-military stance can only help matters.
Now, we just need to brainstorm for ways to have the contestants compete… so far, I do like hippie punching, but we need to find a way to make policy debates interesting enough that people will tune in. Given how simple conservative principles are, maybe the event would be “explain why socialism is evil to a 5th grader”? Of course, even at that level, a liberal would fail to grasp it.