(As the IMAO readers sit quietly in their bathoom stalls, reading IMAO magazine, a tapping noise is heard in the stall next door. A hand emerges under the stall wall and gives a wave.)
You know what time it is?
No, not THAT, Senator Craig!! Somebody get this sicko out of here, please.
That’s the signal for Ask Dr. Duck. Well, no, it’s also the signal for give me toilet paper. And the signal for “Howdy, Sailor” but let’s go with the first definition.
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s face it: You have sad lives.
Sad, sad, sad. That’s why you read IMAO. This site makes you laugh.
Truly sad.
But it’s not all bad. From time to time, Dr. Duck emerges for his stall, I mean, office and offers the kind of sound advice that leaves you asking an important question: “When are we finally going to get socialized medicine?”
Sometimes people say, “Why can’t you just shut up? Your last piece of advice got me shot at/divorced/fired/separated.” I can’t help it, folks.
I care.
That’s why Dr. Duck (graduate of the Colegio de Sicologia y Tapiceria de Tijuana) is here to help you with the questions that most plague your mind and keep you from focusing on the things you need to be doing. Such as working. Or not working. Hey, I don’t judge the freaks, I just hep them.
So what’s on your mind? Relationships? Life? Politics?
Ask the questions and Dr. Duck will have the answers up soon.
Dr. Duck,
Is there a causal relationship between an increase Preparation H sales and Democratic primaries, or is it strictly a high correlation?
Wouldn’t it be awful if the democrats impeached Bush or Cheney?
Dr. Duck, Ducks waddle. Why does wide-stance Frank employ you? (from all the “Jim’s” out there)
Why did Donald Duck wear a shirt? I mean, he’s got no pants, so why bother with the shirt and hat?
Dr. Duck,
Can you actually get prescription strength cowbell? I’ve got a fever and so far nothing else has helped at all.
What are you doing in the girl’s bathroom?!
We now know that there are numerous “signals” that gay men give each other to indicate sexual interest: tapping feet, hand signals, etc.
Q1: Could this cause them to also get excited when they watch the third-base coach?
Q2: Is the song “If You’re Happy and You Know It” a devious plot to indoctrinate innocent children to the gay lifestyle?
Dr. Duck,
Why have the pirates not made Frank walk the plank for equating Ron Paul to a pirate?
Senator Craig has claimed he was only quoting Ted Keenedy when he told the undercover officer he “Had a party going on in his pants.” Will this likely be part of his defense strategy?
What are our soldiers’ rules for engagement once Katie Couric gets to Iraq?
Why can’t I punctuate my questions with an exclamation point!
They say that there’s more than one way to skin a cat. What are some of the other ways?
Is it true that Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell are required by law to stay on opposite sides of the planet at all times to prevent their gravitational fields from causing the Earth to implode?
If I go into my bathroom, turn out the light, hold a flashlight under my face and say the phrase “Bleeding Heart Mary” 3 times in a row while looking in the mirror, will Hillary Clinton really appear and steal my soul?
Dr. Duck,
I was once in Tijuana, and because you were graduated from that city’s prestigious bastion of higher education, perhaps you can explain this strange encounter:
I was approached by a young Mexican girl who asked if I would “like to take little Benito to the fiesta so he could whack the pinata”.
Who is this “Benito”, and why would I want to take him to the fiesta?
If your mother in law and a democrat were drowning, and you could only save one, would you go to a movie or dinner first?
Why are we only hearing about the secret signals of gay men? Why aren’t we hearing about the secret signals of lesbians? I, for one, would be far more interested in the lesbian signals.
**** CONTENT WARNING – DON’T LOOK SARAHK ******
To begin with Ozzy…do you know how to tell if you’ve walked into a dyke bar?
…even the pool tables don’t have balls on them.
Dr. Duck,
I am a musician that suffers from “Restless Leg Syndrome.” Should I avoid public restooms? If so, should I carry a shovel or baggies?
~P&B~
Dr. Duck,
All of my Cracklin’ Oat Bran is gone. You wouldn’t happen to know who ate it would you?
Dr. Duck,
I was out running my dog (the dog running and me on the 4-wheeler) the other day and when I came up to the bridge, near my house, there was two teens under the bridge getting it on. They got scared (because they got caught) and started running for their clothes. My dog saw them running thought they wanted to play and started chasing them. They saw a dog coming at them and forgot about their clothes and went running down the creek bare assed.
My question is : Was it wrong of me to wait till they where out of site, go down and take their clothes?
Dr Duck:
If the Kwazy Kos Kids think that BushitlerMcChimpyDarthCheney fascist regime is going to declare a fascist coup in January 2009 to remain in power, why should they care which donkey gets the democrat nomination?
Shouldn’t they show some faith in their fevered hallucinations and leave for Canada or France before the borders are closed and they are all frogmarched off to the camps?
Also where would be the best place for the camps to be situated? I was thinking Gary IN for the lake transport access (an ore boat will hold a lot of hippies) and since it already smells bad, the folks down wind would be harder to offend by the odor of a million stinkin’ hippies.
Dr. Duck,
Why are Yellow Freight’s trucks painted orange?
Dear Dr. Duck:
If a tree fell in the forest, and there was no one around to hear it, would John Edwards still be a faggot?
//So what’s on your mind? Relationships? Life? Politics?//
No, what’s on your mind?
San Francisco has announced that there will not be an official Halloween celebration in the Cathtro district. So where is John Edwards going to be trick-or-treating?
Doctor Duck,
Why is there always one retard that asks a stupid question about woodchucks and wood and adds their retarded twist on the trite asinine question? Do they realize they are retarded and as unfunny as John Kerry making a joke about Iraq?
Dr. Duck,
Do you want mustard with that?
Dear Doctor Duck,
Why do people suck?
I have another one.
Why were most of my comments yesterday number 11? Is is some sign that that’s supposed to be my lucky number or something? Truth be told, I always liked 7… though does that make me too much like Lord Voldemort?
Doctor Duck,
If, hypothetically, you, everybody you ever cared for, and everything you ever worked for were in your home, and your home were under attack by a ferocious GRIZZLY SQUID (with all the evil and ferocious aspects of the full-grown grizzly bear and the South Pacific Whooping squid), what U.S. president, alive or dead, would you call upon in this time of need to defend your home?
-Forensicator
Dr. Duck,
When Senator Craig started his now infamous press conference he thanked everyone for “coming out”… Was this totally gay or an unfortunate “slip of the tongue”?
Dear Dr. Duck,
I have two question’s if you would be so kind.
1) Being the Patriotic American that I am, I am endeavoring to eat a lot more Hot Apple Pies; the thing is though I keep burnng my lips on their molten fruity goodness. How does ones remain Patriotic yet avoid having hurtie lips on a regular basis?
2)I also keep hearing about this nasty Sen. Craig and the things he wants to do to nice upstanding Hot Apple Pie eating Patriots like myself. So upon finishing my Hot Apple Pie, and going to the restroom to wash my hands, how can I avoid ending up on “Craig’s List” so I don’t have hurtie other bits?
Signed,
Scalded and Confused
Incinerated Uvula, Rhode Island
Dr. Duck,
If someone says they are a little rusty, does that mean they can’t get their nuts off?
Black or pinto beans?
Why does the Little Green Footballs registration always end right before I go to the site?
A few questions
1) Could you please tell John Edwards that Senator Craig is getting tired of all the phone calls and text messages? Craig held a press conference today and said that although no one believes him when he says he isn’t gay, no one could possibly believe that he is THAT gay.
2) Chuck Norris, Mr T., Jack Bauer, or Fred Thompson?
3) If John Edwards showed up for the above listed fight, would they all die from laughter?
Dr. Duck,
Will I be spared when Fred Thompson ascends to power in January, 2009?
I went to the nursing home the other day to visit my grandfather. Upon entering the room I noticed a pair of his pants on the floor. Being a great grandson I picked them up to put them away. Long story short they had been “soiled.” I said to him “Did you have a little accident today?” He said “No, someone else must have done it.” So please tell me, who goes around pooping other peoples pants?
What with baseball, cycling, and now wrestling, how long do you think it will be before steroids make their way into the really lame sports like synchronized swimming and soccer?
Dear Duck,
After Senator Craig resigns he’s going to need a new job. Do you think a gig as national spokesman for BenGay would be appropriate?