BAGHDAD (AP) – The top American commander in Iraq said Wednesday he was preparing recommendations on cutting troops before he returns to Washington next month for a report to Congress.
“The fact is,” said Gen. David Petraeus, “there are simply too many troops in Iraq right now, and I have no choice but to recommend massive reductions in personnel. We simply have to be realistic.”
“Look at all the troops there,” he said, “Iranians, Al Qaeda, local Shiite insurgent groups, and even some disgruntled Baathists. These bastards have to go, and soon.”
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“My plan is to reduce the foreign troop levels by shooting them, bombing them, or – if need be – even cutting the troops like a drunken Mexican with a razor blade. Truth be told, it doesn’t matter HOW we take these suicidal Allah-worshipping sons of bitches out, but doing so will be my top recommendation to the President.”
When asked whether American troop levels will be cut, Petraeus responded by punching the enquiring reporter smack in the eye and then administering several vicious spleen-kicks to the journalist as he lay on the ground, screaming.
After letting loose with a torrent of language that would make Howard Stern blush like a Catholic schoolgirl, the General elaborated further on his views.
“You blasphemously ignorant suck-weasel! We’ve spent the last four and a half years sweating, bleeding, and dying in Iraq to keep ungrateful, traitorous malcontents like you safe from terrorists, and you’ve got the unmitigated gall to suggest that we cut and run instead of killing more of the enemy? Just exactly how far up your ass IS your head, anyway?”
“You don’t win wars by running away,” explained Petraeus, “you win them by making your enemy dead. Dead! Dead! Dead!”
“Hell, even a semi-hydroencephalitic Liberal Arts major like yourself should be able to figure THAT one out.”
After the mangled wreck of the reporter was carted off to an emergency room, the General concluded by clarifying his remarks.
“So… no.”
There is a special move taught in Marine LINE and Army Combative martial arts expressly designed to crush the spirit of journalists. The reporter never had a chance.
Beautiful, Harvey, thanks.
OMG!! I know I’m new around here Harvey, but I think I’m in love!! ROFL!!
p.s. yes, I’m a female!
Why is it that America has NEVER destroyed it’s enemies?
Damn! I was starting to get a stiffy…and then I saw “news fakery”…not very nice!!!
My god, cosmic kismet! Posts so similar they must be good!
When asked whether American troop levels will be cut, Petraeus responded by punching the enquiring reporter smack in the eye and then administering several vicious spleen-kicks to the journalist as he lay on the ground, screaming.
Sweet! Channelling Rumsfeld, no doubt.
The photo caption has to actually be real, right Harv? I mean, it’s just so accurate and truthish.
Petraeus for President. Has a nice ring, doesn’t it.
Not to sound PC or anything, but you’ve insulted hydrocephalics. My nephew has hydrocephalus and he’s extremely intelligent and is going to major in electrical or computer engineering when he goes to college and he plays a mean game of chess. Other than that, you were spot-on.
See? I told you FrnakJ allows Harvey to be funny once in a while.
I’m a little stunned he allowed Harvey to pen an In My World post so I’m gonna assume he’s out of ammo.
Wow, I think you just managed to make General Petraeus into the sexiest man on the planet, Harvey! Those are definitely the words to make a girl swoon. I totally agree with Clintons are White Trash on her assessment thereof!
And since when was war about diplomacy, and not about killing as many of the enemy as it takes to make said enemy less of a threat than a litter of toothless, claw-less kittens?
I thought I was the only one to call people “suck-weasel”…
If only he really said and did that, I could add him to my list of liberal smashers.
Jimmy, we never destroy our enemies for the sake of being “humanitarian”. Also because we give non-citizens imaginary rights.
Libs get in the way of everything, they ruin the universe.