The otherwise-talented Gretchen Rubin points out at HuffPo that Monday was Blog Action Day, where dweeby toad-lickers & spotted-owl-worshippers polluted the internet with their whiny, self-absorbed suggestions for being more “green”.
Reading their mindless Gaia-slobberings really mellowed my harsh, and that just ain’t my scene, man.
Because I have a confession to make.
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I’m not green. I hate this freaking planet. Ever since I was a little kid, the precious environment has been trying to kill me.
Impossibly harsh winters; blazing, humid summers; fires, floods, earthquakes, meteors. Nature has it in for me, and I hate that bitch back with a vengeance.
So skip the green. Color me brown. The color of a dandelion a week after being doused with Round-Up.
Or maybe black. The color of fresh asphalt – which I dearly wish covered every square inch of Spaceship Earth. Except the oceans, of course.
Screw it. Pave those, too. What’s the point of living on a planet if there are some places you can’t drive or park?
Anyway, Gretchen has her little list of “seven tips for the pursuit of happiness with a green twist“. I’m just going to spray a little Round-Up on ’em because that’s how I pursue happiness.
1) Drive everywhere instead of walking – Drive to your next door neighbor’s house. Drive to your mailbox. Hell, drive from one end of your garage to the other. The only reason NOT to drive somewhere is because you’re out of gas, in which case you should have someone tow you to the gas station, and then drive home.
2) Buy only bottled water. If the bottle comes wrapped in plastic, so much the better. And check the bottom to make sure you don’t accidentally buy a recyclable container. When you’re finished with it, fill it with urine and throw it at a war protester.
3) Buy stuff. Lots of stuff. Preferrably stuff in disposable, non-biodegradable packaging. Have the cashier double… no, TRIPLE bag it. You’ll need the extra bags to carry your urine bottles, anyway. The point is, gratuitous consumption is what makes living in America infinitely better than living in some crappy second or third world country. Every living foreigner wishes they could strut into a Wal-Mart and MasterCard the entirety of aisle 6. Live the American Dream for them.
4) Don’t consider the cost of gas when you buy a car. Consider instead whether you know ANYONE who’s never been in an accident. Then consider the fact that people in small cars ALWAYS snag the short end of the stick in any incident of car-on-car violence. Then go buy yourself a big damn car.
5) Drive alone whenever possible. Passengers don’t care about your car because it’s not theirs. They will do things that diminish your driving pleasure, like fiddle with the radio, or adjust the temperature controls, or sing, or hum, or smoke, or fart. Statistically speaking, a passenger is 99.587% more likely to make the ride worse than better. Don’t have passengers. Carpooling in ANY form is a crime against your own humanity.
6) Make an effort to create enough litter so that snooty hybrid owners can feel smug & superior. Then pelt them with urine bottles.
7) Avoid gardening. If you really want to get your hands filthy, punch a hippy. It’s what Fred Thompson would do.
If you have any other “Pave the Planet” suggestions, feel free to drop them in the comments.
Buy lots of aerosol hairspray and tape it down so it sprays until it runs out. They should be really cheap so it won’t be hard to do more damage for the buck.
Heh…
I’d say you covered it completely! Great post!
In your home, run your heater and air conditioner simultaneously, all day and night. This way, you will have the least chance of being too hot or too cold, or too humid or too dry.
Also, draw the shades and leave the lights on 24/7. Sunlight is disgusting and will eventually fade that coagulated blood brown colored calf leather couch you have in front of the window. Artificial light from several high-wattage incandescent bulbs is much better. If you have any “swirly cone” compact fluorescents (CFLs), replace them with incandescent bulbs. You know you hate your CFLs anyway, their light is even worse than sunlight. When you dispose of the CFL’s, be sure to smash them in the garbage to release all the mercury vapor inside.
Burn fossil fuels in engines rather than bio fuels. The world has more known oil reserves now than ever before (1.8 trillion barrels). We need the arable land for food production.
Pave the hippies, commies, lefties, and well everyone left of Fred Thompson.
I love IMAO.
I still recycle paper that I generate, but mail order catalogs and sales circulars that are pushed unsolicited to my mailbox (they’re all unsolicited) go straight to the landfill. On principle. I didn’t ask for those, so I’ll let the merchants be the ones held responsible.
And I’ve never purchased a CFL lightbulb, so I got that goin’ for me.
Hey, I’m doing my part. Baby steps ya know.
P.S. Anyone that uses “fart” in text is OK by me. 😎
Always half-eat food. Never finish anything you eat.
8) Instead of stopping at a gas station, rest stop, or restaurant to pee when you’re traveling, just pull over on the side of the road and urinate on a tree.
I tell everyone that I use CFLs. Carbon Filament lightbulbs, that is.
It will be getting cold soon so get yourself a remote car starter so you can crank and pre-warm your car at least 45 minutes in advance of driving to the other side of the garage.
When you change your oil in your car do not catch it in a bucket. What the hell are you going to do with it then. What a waste. Instead let it pour right out onto the ground. In another 100,000 years Exxon can come and pump it back out of the ground. Now that is a recycling plan.
Pull your boat behind your truck always. I don’t know how many times I have passed a lake and thought “Damn, I would like to stop and fish” but couldn’t because I did not have my boat with me. Fishing from the bank is for weannies.
HA! Laugh it up, but my Toyota hybrid has three times the pollution power than any three of your SUVs!
I have more batteries to chuck in the landfill!
Here’s a tip.
Buy a hybrid weenie-car, and keep it in the bed of your pickup truck, in case you run out of gas, or have a flat tire. Then, you can just drive the hybrid to the nearest gas-station to get more fuel (or another tire) for your truck!
Hunt with lead shot. Better yet, hunt spotted owls with lead shot.
Harvey hates the planet 🙂 It looks more like Cover the Earth in Blood.
Pave the hippies, commies, lefties, and well everyone left of Fred Thompson.
Sorry, Fred fan. Fred can’t win. He’s too pathetic of a campaigner. He’s already lost any momentum he had.
Every day this nasty planet exposes humans to sunburn, poison ivy, scorching deserts, and bodies of water filled with things that will eat you. There are cliffs which it likes you to fall off of and rivers to sweep you away to your death.
This planet clearly hates humans and animals. So why should we go out of our way to help it?
When you shower, wash dishes, or clean anything, make sure you use plenty of soap and leave the water run. Get detergents with plenty of phosphates. It suds up better than that crappy non-phosphate soap.
Remember, water wants to run free and bubbly water is happy water.
I actually like Sarcasm Man’s comment – we should pave the world with blood. The Blood of all the hippies and liberal college professors and poor people.
Then, we can probably start a war since doing all that paving will take a couple weeks at least. During the war, we could pave the rest of the world with land mines.
bob, i think you mean we should throw the CFL bulbs at war protestors along with the urine bottles.
…”bubbly water is happy water.” – Lily
LMAO. While you’re at it, don’t douse your campfire with that precious, bubbly water. Let it burn and ignite the underbrush. Thanks to the environmentalists, the Forest Service doesn’t clear and thin the forests any more, so, we need to do our part. Besides, nature used to burn down all of North America just from lightning. Shows you what SHE thinks of all the wildlife.
Now, for some of that happy bubbly…
Three words: feed cows beans.
My mister is fond of throwing cigarette butts out the car window when he drives. I hear they aren’t biodegradable at all and that some rare species of birds choke on the butts when they try to eat them.
He also swears he’s going to find the Escalade driving hippy that shrieked at him for throwing cigarette butts out the window, and shove a pack down the guy’s throat.
Anybody have a link to that “Earth First!, we can exploit the other planets for economic gain later” bumper sticker?
I enjoy you guys because you’re over the top. Helping to save the earth is profitable (in the long term, given long-term thinking.)
Ya’ll have given me some great Ideas.From now on when home,instead of driving my pickup,I’ll let my 8yr old great nephew drive it to school.I’ll instead drive my 2006 long nose peterbilt around the Austin Tx area for my normal shopping visiting friends and such.Also I’ll make sure to only eat half of my Dans hamburgers double meat,double cheese,with jalapeneos and a jumbo order of buttermilk battered onion rings.I’ll the take the rest and throw it at a junkie/bum/wino/Pc correct term homeless not his fault person along with a plastic bottle of urine.And from now on when home no more dishwasher I’ll wait till the hottest hour of the day,put all dirty dishes,pots and pans,utensils,and to really freak the hybrid driving publick sscrewel teacher across the street some underwear and socks in my front yard.then I’ll manual override the lawn sprinkler system and let her rip!! How’s this for a start!!
That “Hitler was an environmentalist” thing is serious! I remember reading an article from about ten years ago about how the overwhelming majority of “environmentalists” in 1930s Germany were Nazi Party members. I think the article was written by Fred Singer.
As far as other good things to do for the planet — buy an older, smoky diesel vehicle. WHen you passs a cyclist on the road, gun the engine and give ’em a lungful.
If you must recycle, only tell recycled jokes.
Find a building that houses EPA offices. Count the number of gas-guzzling vehicles in the garage.
I have to disagree with #5, pretty women make excellent passengers.
Gunny – true… until they start squeezing out SBD’s 🙂
From now on, stop recycling. Don’t just throw your trash away, throw all of it on the ground somewhere, like your a-hole neighbor’s lawn, then set it on fire. Sure, your impromptu bonfire will release toxic fumes into the air, but who cares? Who needs “fresh air” anyway? Besides, scuba tanks are so in right now.