I often hear from people, “Man, things are going so great in the world… except for all the fat kids.” Childhood obesity has become a great problem affecting everyone since we all have to look at these fat children. So, I had my crack research team found out all they can:
FUN FACTS ABOUT CHILDHOOD OBESITY
* SUVs would get great gas mileage if it weren’t that they were so often filled with fat kids.
* Childhood obesity also affects education, as its hard for a kid to learn math while stuffing his face full of Ho-Hos.
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- We’re talking fat, stupid children.
- Scientists have determined that children become obese because of their moral failings and thus deserve the ridicule.
- Too many fat kids will drive down property values, so if you’re having an open house, first drive an ice cream truck through your neighborhood and out of town, leading the fat children away like plump rats following the pied piper.
- Part of the problem is that it takes caring parents to help fight obesity, but the fatter their children are, the more trouble parents have feeling any affection for them whatsoever.
- Fat, stupid, unloved children.
- If you find yourself surrounded by fat children, throw a stick of butter and escape while they plod after it. Last thing you want is for them to get their chubby, sticky hands on you.
- The best way to fight childhood obesity is by promoting healthy eating and exercise. You can also use ridicule.
- Number one threat to forests: All the fat kids trampling plant life as they search for sweet sweet berries.
- Fat, stupid, unloved children clomping through the forests in search of food.
- When an obese child stares up at you with those sad eyes framed by a face covered in chocolate, you can almost feel sympathy for him. Don’t fall for it!
- In a battle between Aquaman and childhood obesity, Aquaman would have to spend most of his day fetching chunky Aqualad who would keep floating to the surface like a buoy.
- Why does California get earthquakes? Because the weight of all those fat kids messes up the tectonic plates.
- Fat, stupid, unloved children — even the earth trembles in anger at their existence!
- Liberals’ children often become obese because liberals are too afraid it would hurt their child’s feelings to slap the ever present Twinkie out of his hand.
- Monkey-faced liberals and their fat children waddling about like beach balls with stubby little limbs.
- Obese children are of some uses such as when hiking through Africa. If your party gets chased by a tiger, it will obviously first grab the slow moving fat kids given you time to escape.
- How can you tell if a child is obese and not just fat? Throw him in a lake and measure the rate at which he bobs.
- In case of a nuclear holocaust, obese children are the most likely to survive since their stored fat will give them sustenance during the famine and protect them from the cold of the nuclear winter.
- That’s our future: Fat, stupid children who have never known human affection aimlessly waddling through a nuclear wasteland. Thank you, McDonald’s.
You see, the fat kid in the picture KNOWS this flashing technique works against Hodgies. So more power to SMART, fat kids, Harvey!
For a tiger stuck in Africa it will be a comfort to find an obese child to eat.
I mean Frank. Sugar…give me…sugar. More.
The adage is true. I don’t need to be faster than a tiger. I just need to be faster than the fat, stupid, unloved. monkey-faced liberal, earth-shaking fat kid in the pack.
I’d be more worried about the lions, but maybe Africa has a problem with illegal migration, where the tigers do the jobs that the lions don’t want to do…
Fat kids might be useful as floatation devices, but to have as many fatties on a plane as there are actual travellers, the plane would never get off the ground.
“I have had it with these muthafkin’ fat kids on this muthafkin’ plane!”
We used to live in a nice neighborhood. Everyone took care of their property, and there were no fat children. We all pledged to each other to never sell to families with fat children, but before you know it that idiot at the end of the block put money ahead of his neighbors…and he sold to a fat family.
It was the beginning of the end for us. Ding-Dong and Twinkie wrappers began appearing on the front lawn. Next, empty juice boxes. Then, my next door neighbor sold to another family with fat kids – “I didn’t know,” he claimed, “The parents weren’t fat.” Well, check these things out idiot! So much for our yearly block parties. Oh, we tried. But, those fat kids would just vacuum up those covered dishes of homemade delicacies, leaving us all starving and with no one wanting to play volleyball. So, we had to end our annual neighborly tradition.
Next thing you know property values were plummeting, and then the fat kids really moved in en masse. Don’t let it happen to you. Keep the fat kids out!
SUVs would get great gas mileage if it weren’t that they were so often filled with fat kids.
Ironically, that one is true! Overweight people do have higher gasoline bills because of the added weight in their cars.
Fat children all too frequently grow up (using the term “grow up” loosely) to be Rosie O’Donnell. Even once is too frequently.
I know! Let’s invite all of ’em to a big beach party!
Then Greenpeace will come along and tow them out to sea!
We’ll do a proof of concept with Michael Moore and Rosie O’.
AlanABQ, I liked the Samuel L Jackson in “Fat Kids on a Plane” reference.
Liberals don’t have fat children. They are so busy taking them to every class imaginable, stuffing them with tofu, rice cakes and yogurt and teaching them how to jump to conclusions, overreact and run around in circles screaming ” the sky is falling, the sky is falling” they don’t have time to get fat.
There was a time when all mothers wanted was to see some meat on their children’s bones. While it is true that some children are overweight, obese has gone from describing the morbidly overweight to anyone who needs to lose more than 20 pounds.
It’s nice to know that not only am I rich but also obese. Without the left I’d have never known. (Wonder why my grandmother a short but rather stout woman most of her life lived to be 99 years old.) Must have been a fluke or maybe there are some in the medical community who have found a brand new way to rake in the dough or should I say no fat, no cholesterol tofu bread like substance.
Thanks, hwy93. It seemed like the obvious analogy.
Hey! That rhymes!
BWAHAHA!! I spit fritos all over the doggone monitor!!
And hey – watch – I’m a conservative & I stuff my kids full of tofu!! Funny thing is – the veggie blonde is long, lean, thin while the carnivorous blonde is – um – well, she’s not affecting the gas mileage in my overly huge, gas guzzling, carbon-footprint-leaving SUV, that’s for sure!!
You guys need to stop picking on fat kids – didn’t you ever watch Goonies?? In the case of a bad guy, the little roly-poly kid can distract the bad guy with a grapelicious juice box & a fudgesicle while the rest of us get away!!
Did you see that Cousin Dubya has a BMI of 16.6%??
I forgot to mention in my ‘bio’ that I’m ADD!!
Oh look – shiny things!!!!!!!!!!!
Frank, your getting this story linked on mah blaahg. Why? Because obesity is real!
Real fat and annoying.
And there is nothing more annoying than kids. Especially fat kids. These “fun” (true) facts need to be read by everyone. Maybe they’ll stop producing such fatty fat fatty fat fats
seriously, though…
I saw this cool documentary on one of those nature channels about a plan to introduce tigers into Africa because they would be safer from poaching in some of Africa’s game preserves.
I learned that tigers will sometimes go on a killing frenzy, in which they slaughter many animals quickly, even though they aren’t going to eat them all. In one sequence, 2 tigers killed something like a dozen antelopes for sport in about a minute.
Tigers won’t stop after killing the fat kid. No, the thrill of killing the fat kid will probably just spark the frenzy, and get them wanting faster, more challenging, prey.
Beware the tiger!!!
If you get a chance to see this, definitely watch or record it.
Long Time Reader, First Time Poster
Couldn’t we just strap the fat, stupid, unloved children to the sides of HMMWVs in Iraq to shield U.S. soldiers from IED attacks?
[Maybe, but you’d need strong straps since they’re so fat. -Ed.]
They tried that at first, but they figured out that, while not as affective, the 1/2 inch steel plating is lighter and more fuel efficient. 😀
This has nothing to do with the fat kids story, but whilest I read through the comments & wondered if Killa Cam had read the facts about gas mileage in direct relation to aformentioned lardaceous scion, I happened to look over to the left & saw this in the ‘testimonials’ section:
“A blogger with a sense of humor.”
-Some Woman on MSNBC
How’s THAT for giving proper credit where it’s due?!?!
Thank goodness I got that water-proof keyboard pop-up that day……
Yeah, CCHEMuse, that must be where Frank’s fondness for Olbermann comes from. Speaking of Olbermann, I sure could use a new, Frank shot of him in the old visual cortex.
I agree with Frank but am not sure how stuff a child’s face with Homos affects Education…but I’m against it…
Umm…I have this strange feeling there’s a “reason” that Aquaman is “fetching” Aqualad…
LMAO…I could only read that on this blog! Most excellent!
Chunk?
Sloth?
“wondered if Killa Cam had read the facts about gas mileage in direct relation to aformentioned lardaceous scion”
No, I went to public school, so I read at a third grade level.
Well, having a slow day working at the Command and General Staff College in Ft. Leavenworth, we got bored and debated the issue of using fat kids in warfare and decided that the best use for them would be to re-introduce catapults into warfare. More advanced mechanized catapults, of course.
Killa Cam. That’s a Klingon word for a unit of distance, isn’t it? Well, stay here and measure THIS (website).
I’m sorry but I’m a Cartman fan and have grown an affinity to fat children!
Hi, I’m McBain, and I’m a (former) fat kid.
You know what cured me? Taunting! Years of fat jokes, silly names, verbal abuse, and shame. It worked. It worked wonders. And taunting is cheaper than any diet plan you have to sign up for, or buy special food for- in fact, it’s free in every instance I’ve ever heard of (unless you’re the one doing the taunting, in which case it’s “priceless”).
So don’t be afraid to taunt impoverished little fat kids- every “hey, tubby!” will help them to lose weight and save money. (And don’t worry if they cry- it keeps ’em from retaining excess water, which, unlike sweating, is less likely to turn ’em into foul-smelling little fat kids.)
Sloth love Chunk!!!