Archive of entries posted on March 2007

In My World: Never Negotiate with Democrats

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After a long day of shooting and getting shot at in Iraq, Buck the Marine headed back to camp. When he got there, he ran into the last thing he wanted to deal with… Democrats!
“We’re here to support the troops,” Harry Reid said with Nancy Pelosi standing behind him smiling her eerie, inhuman smile.
This can’t be good, Buck thought but didn’t say, trying to be respectful to the things from Congress. They were part of the federal government who paid for the Buck’s bullets which he would then deposit into foreigners. “I appreciate the support.”

“Let’s add to the ‘Support the Troops’ bill that I get Buck’s Nintendo DS.”

“Not so fast!” Nancy shrieked. “You don’t get our support so easily!”
“We have to get something out of it first!” Reid looked Buck over and pointed to the object in Buck’s hand. “What’s that?”
“It’s a Nintendo DS. It has a touchscreen,” Buck explained. “When I get bored because there’s no shooting, I shoot people on it.”
“Well, I want it!” Reid turned to Pelosi. “Let’s add to the ‘Support the Troops’ bill that I get Buck’s Nintendo DS.”
Pelosi wrote in a notepad. “And I want his DVDs. We’ll put that in the bill too.”
“Hey! You can’t just take my stuff!”
“We’re just trying to support the troops!” Reid seized Buck’s rifle. “Until we’re allowed to support the troops in our own way, you get no funding! That means no rifle and no bullets!”
“But that’s what I use to kill for’ners!”
“And take off that body armor!” Pelosi yelled. “We’re renting that, but you don’t get it anymore until our demands are met.”
Buck took off the body armor. “This seems like an odd way to support the troops.”
Reid grabbed the body armor. “Are you questioning our patriotism?!”
“No; I’m sorry.” Buck thought for a moment. “So, if I give you guys my Nintendo DS and my DVDs, will you give me my rifle and body armor back?”
Pelosi nodded. “Exactly… but we also want $24 million for sugar beets.”
“Uh… sugar beets?”
“And $640 million for LIHEAP!” Reid said.
“I don’t even know what that is.”
“You don’t need to.” Reid adjusted his tie. “All you need to know is that’s part of what it will cost to get us to support the troops.”
“I don’t have that kind of money; I’m just a simple Marine who likes shooting for’ners.”
Pelosi smiled to the point that it looked like her skin was going to snap. “If you want to continue your mission here, you better tell Bush to give us everything we demand!”
“Well… I’ll try.” Buck was upset, but politics wasn’t his job. Shooting foreigners was. “If you get everything you ask for, I can get my rifle back?”
Reid nodded. “Yes, you’ll get our support and your funding… assuming you agree to surrender.”
“Surrender? To you?”
“No, to… uh…” Reid thought for a moment. “Whoever it is you’re supposed to be fighting here.”
Buck was starting to get upset. “But I don’t want to surrender!”
“Then you get no funding and you’ll die here!” Reid shouted. “Muh ha ha ha!”
“Our demands must be met if you troops want any chance to survive!” Pelosi screamed. “Everything we want is outlined here!” She handed a list of demands to Buck.
He scanned through them. “A hundred million in unmarked bills and a fueled helicopter waiting for you! And a list of political prisoners you want released!” Buck glared at the two Democrats. “Are you sure you’re not terrorists?”
Reid laughed. “We’re Democrats; there’s well established precedent of negotiating with Democrats when we threaten the livelihood of Americans!”
Buck shook his head. “I’m never going to understand politics.”

American Idol Six – Top Ten

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Ok, more detailed now. I’ll put what I quickie-wrote last night in italics and add the exhaustive tediousness.
Ryan says Gwen Stefani is supplying the song list tonight, which takes away some of my confusion, because I wondered what kind of disaster it would be with only about two contestants having the body and charisma to pull off Gwen Stefani and No Doubt songs. So it’s Gwen Stefani, No Doubt, and bands that inspired them like The Police, The Cure, and Donna Summer (?).
I don’t normally read anything anyone else has written before I write up my bit, but my initial impressions are already out there and aren’t going to change. I thought Gwen Stefani was great. Funny thing is, she dresses and dances like a skank on stage, and if she were an Idol contestant, I would probably have her at the bottom of the list for her skankiness but at the top of the list for her personality. She just seems like a nice person. And on-stage persona notwithstanding, for some reason she comes across to me as a classy broad. I don’t know why. Now since I’ve had my morning Oreos and done my morning reading before writing this, I’ve read what other people had to say. I don’t know why everyone was hating on Gwen last night. I read that she didn’t say anything, or that she had no critiques, or just stood there, blah blah. Y’all do get that they had 10 singers in 67 minutes last night, right? Cut in with your standard 87 minutes of commercials and promos for EVIL AT&T Wireless, and you’re left with about 60 seconds of song, 60 seconds of judging, 30 seconds of Seacrest blather, and 5 seconds of contestant intro. Oh, not to mention that they now have Inane Viewer Email of the Week to answer and Gratuitous Shot of One of the Nigels “Dancing” in the Audience of the Week to show. So maybe y’all should think about it a little, cut sweet skanky Gwen some slack, and realize that the producers gave her the short end of the stick and probably cut out 95% of what she said and just popped in the quick little sit-down interview. She might actually have coached them while they were at the piano, but since she only got her 5 seconds, they just showed the leopard chair part.
Contestants, feel free to email me if I’m wrong. I know you read here, because some of you take my advice. I promise to keep you anonymous so the producers don’t fire you. (sarahk47~at~gmail~dot~com).
Also feel free to email if you know why I got all up on my soapbox (it makes me sound less haughty if I call it a soapbox than if I call it a high horse, right?) to defend Gwen Stefani, who doesn’t need my help and probably couldn’t care less about AI, despite her proclamations of excitement about most of the contestants. And who wore a sweater that had a picture of belt-suspenders on it.
Moving on. Ok, Gwen says it’s not about the voice for her, it’s about the contestants’ personalities and styles. Kind of like with her. “Don’t Speak” is really the only song of hers I’ve ever thought was one I’d like to sing at karaoke.

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American Idol tonight

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Ok, we’re just watching straight through, I’ll have to blog it in the morning, because I dragged my husband out shopping for three hours tonight, so I’m being a good girl and doing a quick watch-through… blah blah blah…
All I have to say right now, though…
Wow, THE GLOCK. She was outstanding, I was so proud of her (ok, honestly I hated the dress, the boots were a’ight, but I LOVED the performance).
Idols 03. Vote it!
Oh my. As I was typing this, Sanjaya walked out with his faux-hawk, as Paula just called it. I hate to say this: it was his best performance even though he forgot the words and had that hair thing going on.
Wow, Haley isn’t wearing sleeveless and didn’t show her armpits. I almost am tempted to vote for her. Would never do, no, but I’m so thankful about the armpits.
Ok, I’m signing off unless someone else knocks me off my feet.
Vote for THE GLOCK!
UPDATE: Idols 10… Chris Richardson was totally knocking my socks off until he forgot a couple of words near the end. Mouth agape and everything, chest clutcher until then. Chris, please remember, though: the microphone stays at your mouth. If your body bobs up and down, the arm with the mic moves in motion with your head. If you’re using a mic stand, you must bob only the body, keep the mouth stationary, or no bobbing. You have quite enough vibrato without leaving out entire notes due to mic loss.
Quick lineup:
03 The Glock. Mwah. I was so happy when I heard your song choice. Perfect song for you, very well sung, heartfelt and emotional. You win tonight. But no more painted on bronze dresses, please. I heart you, but I could have plucked you off the stage and used you to decorate one of my plant ledges with the metallics you were painted into tonight. I hate to even go negative at all on you because I loved your performance so much, and it was your best so far, but I can’t not talk about that dress. Say, next week how about “Hello” or “My Immortal” by Evanescence? But I’m not sure you can hit those high notes, so either stay away from those songs, or lower them a couple of clicks.
10 Chris Richardson. See above.
07 Melinda. Don’t listen to Simon. The outfit was fine. I love that you dress modestly and don’t feel the need to let it all hang out, unlike Baby-Feeder LaKisha.
01 Lakisha. Enough with the baby feeders. We get it. They’re gigantic. Do you want us to give them their own zip code or something? Rah rah, you have big boobies. Yay for you. I do applaud that most of the rest of you was covered, and other than that, I liked the outfit. And this was your best performance in weeks. I’m starting to like you again. If you would just do something about your boobs.
WH Phil. Thanks for pinning your ears down. Made you more watchable. Oh, come on, I’m not the only one thinking it, just the only one saying it. Y’all would be thanking me for wearing support hose and girdles if I were up there. Except for a few screechy notes, you were quite good until the end, and then you got all freaky weird when you did your own thang, dawg. That’s when it became a gigantic mess, and my face scrunched up in horror. Until then, I had you above LaKisha. I was going to give your number out and everything.
02 Chris Sligh. Sleeping pill. Please throw in at least one vocal backflip in the next performance. I’m giving up on you. I’m glad you got your humor back in the pre-talk, thank you, but what’s with the boring vocals? You can’t phone it in every week, or you won’t last much longer.
09 Jordin – Nice picnic basket you were wearing, Raggedy Ann. Also vocally the worst performance out of her in weeks. If Disney’s what you do best, just do Disney. How about “Part of Your World”? You haven’t done that one yet. I’m kidding, don’t do it. People will laugh at you, and that’s one of my all-time favorite Disney songs. You can never live up to the original, or to my singing-in-the-car version. I rock at that song, baby.
04 Sanjaya. Whatever. Stick around. You’re growing on us, and you know we’re making fun of you. Now you’re just there for the laughs, and you know it, and you know we know it, and you know we know you know it. And even Seacrest and the judges are openly joking about it on-air, so as long as no one is pretending that you’re there because you’re the next Aretha or Whitney or Celine, whatever. I don’t care anymore.
08 Blake – What were the judges on about with that boring performance? Even Sanjaya was more enjoyable. Could y’all hear me yawning on the left coast?
05 Haley. I have nothing to say.
Gwen Stefani. Wow, she’s beautiful. And very nice. She came across as a class act.

Out of Line

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I asked in the last bullet point of this post whether I was out of line, and, on second thought, I was. I based the point on what an American commander had said, but I really am not in any position to question the action of the men in the British military.
Furthermore, making humor on the whole situation is based on the assumption that nothing bad will happen to the captured sailors — that this is going to be some silly mess like when an American plane went down in the China and the Chinese government detained them (remember those carefree days?). Given the history of Iran, we can’t presume to know how this will turn out, though, and time is better spent with well-wishes for those taken hostage rather than ridiculing them.
So I apologize for the post.

Do We Deserve Fred Thompson?

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When I published important facts about Fred Thompson, it was a very popular post. Now everyone wants a Fred Thompson candidacy, but Fred Thompson has yet to state whether he intends to run. The reaction by many is to plead with Fred Thompson to run or to talk about drafting him, but you can’t force Fred Thompson to do what Fred Thompson does not want to do. Instead of focusing on him, we should focus on ourselves and ask the tough question: “Are we a good enough country to have Fred Thompson as president?”
I don’t know the answer to that, but what we can do is improve ourselves so that Fred Thompson may like us enough to be our leader. Here are some tips on what to do:
FRANK TIPS ON IMPROVING OURSELVES SO FRED THOMPSON MAY WANT TO BE OUR PRESIDENT
* Eat Breakfast: Fred Thompson knows that breakfast is the the most important meal of the day. If you don’t care enough about yourself to eat breakfast, why should Fred Thompson care about you?

Fred Thompson will not be the president of just any country.

* Control Your Children: Make sure your children are well behaved. Fred Thompson is not going to run a country full of screaming kids running around.
* Clean Your Guns: Guns are an important right, and if you don’t care enough about that right to maintain your guns, then Fred Thompson is going to wonder whether you deserve his leadership.
* Mow Your Lawn: Fred Thompson will only be president of a country where people take pride in land ownership. The most visible indication of this is how well you maintain your lawn.
* Drive a Powerful Car: Small, fuel-efficient cars disgust Fred Thompson. Ideally, your car should burn three gallons of gas just starting the engine.
* Use Proper Grammar: Why would Fred Thompson want to lead people he can’t even understand?
* Keep in Shape: Fred Thompson is not going to want to be associated with a country full of flabby people.
* Dress Appropriately: If Fred Thompson sees any baggy pants, that could dissuade him from becoming president.
* Get a Haircut: You think Fred Thompson wants to be president of a bunch of hippies? Then you don’t know Fred Thompson.
* Keep Informed: If you don’t even follow politics, then Fred Thompson doesn’t want your ignorant vote.
So, everyone, keep working on improving yourselves and then maybe we’ll soon hear that Fred Thompson has decided we deserve his presidency. Even if we’re not perfect, Fred Thompson will like the idea that we’re trying and perhaps take pity on us. Such is the way of Fred Thompson.
UPDATE:
PJM has now added Fred Thompson as a choice in their straw poll (you can vote on my left sidebar). He better poll well, because Fred Thompson will not enter the race if he feels people take him for granted.

Democrat Plots to Kill All Senators!!!

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According to Drudge, an aide to Senator Jim Webb was arrested for trying to bring a gun into the Russell Senate Office building. Apparently, Jim Webb — who has a permit — keeps a gun in his purse and inadvertently had his aide carry his purse for him. If that’s all this is, hopefully this will be cleared up soon. And, since Webb is reportedly pro-gun, hopefully this will push him to help D.C. from being such a bunch of caveman on the issues of guns (“Grr! Magic thunder-stick! Burn the warlock!”).

Padding

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TOP TEN WAYS THE HEAD OF THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTION PADDED HIS EXPENSES:
10) After further review, the professional-grade high-definition video project for archiving Native American dances turned out to be a bunch of camcorder mini-DVDs of a junket to Indian Casino for marathon lap dance sessions.
9) Okay, so we can understand one refurbished Patton tank. It’s everybody’s boyhood dream, sure, but SIXTEEN?
8) Honestly, he didn’t realize they already had the JFK assassination limo. Guess that kinda makes his “I’m looking for the real limo” excuse somewhat pointless, right? Although nice touch on the champagne and cigars.
7) Kickbacks received from manufacturer of Al Gore simulation, but let’s face it – the darned thing looks so much more lifelike and wastes less energy to operate than the real Al Gore.
6) Let’s go over this one more time… just because you’re not allowed to give the Hope Diamond to your mistress, it doesn’t mean you can expense a smaller substitute to give her for her birthday, got it? And swallowing it’s not going to work, either, bub… we’re perfectly willing to wait this one out, but you get to wash it afterwards.
5) Ha ha… adding boiling oil and catapaults to The Castle on April 1st was a great April Fool’s joke. Nearly split my sides. But when the mailman gets out of the Burn Ward, you’re apologizing to him and picking up the hospital bill, you freaking psycho.
4) No, Neil Armstrong didn’t say “That’s one small step for man, one giant bag full of today’s admissions fees for the Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution.” Put it back. Now.
3) Just because Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton rob blacks of their hard-earned money, living large on the good life, it doesn’t mean you can do it. There’s a fine line between public servant and parasite, and you crossed it. But nice try on having that mansion of yours billed as “Add-On Wing To Anacostia Museum.”
2) Put. The. Pandas. Back. (But take the leather chaps and lipstick off of them first, dude.)
1) You expect us to believe that the raw materials disappearing from controversial “Pimp My Teeth, Daddy-GW” hands-on activity center at the George Washington exhibit was a case of “They just got up and walked away” right? Oh, and nice solid gold diamond-encrusted shoes there. Take ’em off, or I swear I’ll run you through with Merriweather Lewis’ hanger, sir!

Giving My Support: In Effigy

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Ladies and Gentlemen, there is too much division in this country.
Why?
My guess is that we are all too hypersenstive and we take things way too seriously. For example, some protestors recently raised some tempers when they set a soldier on fire – in effigy of course. I mean, if they tried to set a real Marine on fire, you’d see a bunch of dead lefties with bits of granola splattered everywhere.
But I ask you: Is it possible to Support The Troops yet still voice your disapproval at something? Like the protestors shown below?
Support.jpg
Of course it is. You can disagree with something yet still express your true feelings.
We at IMAO would like to lend our support to the following causes

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Who’d Ever Want to Leave Iran Anyway?

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Since 1979, man has lived in fear of being taken hostage by Iranians. Now it has happened to fifteen British sailors. Tony Blair has declared the matter “very serious” which is a brilliant observation. If American sailors had been taken hostage, on the other hand, instead of observing the seriousness of the matter we would all be demanding huge piles of dead Iranians.
Still, it’s much simpler to just not get taken hostage. Thus I offer…
FRANK TIPS TO NOT GETTING TAKEN HOSTAGE

Who knows what he’ll do when he gets his tiny hands on you!
  • First thing: Stop, drop, and roll. If done right, the hostage taker will think you’re on fire. In general, people on fire are rarely taken as hostages.
  • Don’t hang out in an embassy in Iran. Actually, anywhere near Iran is trouble. Instead hang out at the embassy in Hawaii as that’s a friendly country and much safer.
  • Try waving your arms and yelling. Hostage takers are scared of movement and loud noises.
  • You can wear a suit made from bacon. While it will reduce Iranian hostage taking, it will increase dog attacks.
  • If all else fails, try striking a hostage take on the nose to ward him away. This is how dolphins fight hostage takers in the wild.
  • Facial hair — such as a beard of bees — can discourage hostage takers.
  • Run away in a zig zag pattern; while hostage takers can run faster than you, then can only run in a straight line.
  • Now, I’m not a member of the military, so perhaps I shouldn’t be critical in this area, but, if you happen to be in the military and our on your own vessel with other members of your military when people try to take you hostage, maybe you should use all those guns you have to stop the hostage taking. Its sorta why you have them. Again, if I’m out of line here, someone tell me.