DALLAS (AP) – In a keynote speech at the International Women’s Peace Conference, Nobel Peace Prize recipient Betty Williams told the crowd of 1000 people, “Right now, I could kill George Bush…[applause]… No, I don’t mean that. How could you nonviolently kill somebody? I would love to be able to do that.”
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Through some unknown means – possibly a combination of vigorous applause and fairy dust – Williams’s wish was apparently granted, as the President died through non-violent means shortly afterwards. Specifically, by being turned into some sort of spring-loaded children’s toy.
When informed of this, Williams appeared embarrassed and quickly wished the late president into a cornfield near Peaksville, Ohio. The audience appeared to approve of her decision, as many of them were heard to say “It’s GOOD that Betty killed the president”, “Yes, it’s a REAL good thing that Betty did”, and “Oh GOD! Please don’t kill us, Betty!”
Ms. Williams appeared to recover rapidly, though, testing out her newfound powers by non-Constitutionally impeaching Vice President Dick Cheney. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was immediately sworn in as president, with her hand, non-believably, failing to burst into flame when she placed it on the Bible to take her oath of office.
Visibly drunk with power, Williams proceeded to non-thievingly rob a bank, non-fatteningly eat 3000 Twinkies, and non-sexual-relationally ‘Lewinsky’ Bill Clinton.
She concluded her speech by saying “now that I’ve fulfilled my every wish on Earth, I will non-rocketly fly to the moon,” which she did to a standing ovation from the delighted crowd.
The moon itself was, non-surprisingly, nuked shortly afterwards by blogging tycoon Frank J. of IMAO, who had been non-sanely threatening to do so for some time.
Ah…that’s got to be one of my favorite episodes. It wouldn’t have had that wonderful subtlety ten years ago, but it probably does now.
Like a jack in the box, the War On Terror will pop up on the Dems for years to come.
If someone gets wished into the cornfield, will they turn into a fuel alternative as well?
Great!
Now she’s Lost in Space
Danger! Betty Williams! Danger!
Hey, that’s what Bush gets for playing those Perry Como records!
P.S. I hate anyone who doesn’t like me…
I think there’s very little more peaceful than wanting to assassinate the leader of the free world.
Nope, nothing. She should get a prize for that.
Heh. Monkey made me giggle.
By the way, she’s said she wanted to kill Bush before:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betty_Williams_(nobel_laureate)#Comments_on_George_W._Bush
LOL,
That was so funny, I about non-shit myself.
It does start to become more of a substantive issue as one gets older. Not always 100 percent sure of what your going to get.
LMAO!
“non-rocketly fly to the moon”
Priceless!
How the hell did you make that work?
…and non-sexual-relationally ‘Lewinsky’ Bill Clinton.
Great work – or maybe it sucks, I don’t know.