Archive of entries posted on May 2009

The Proper Response to the Sotomayor Nomination

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Probably no one way the Republicans can stop the Sotomayor nomination and no one way they’d get anyone less liberal or who actually cares what the Constitution. Common wisdom is that the Republicans should put up a big fight anyway to just sort of stake out their territory and drain Obama’s capital, but maybe it’s time to try something different. The Republicans are so far behind right now they might as well try something crazy, so here’s me idea: Let’s be super enthused.

Man, it will freak out all the Democrats if the Republicans are suddenly giddy at the thought of Sotomayor becoming a Supreme Court Justice. They’ll know something is up and dedicate their little Democrat brains to trying to figure it out. And when the hearings start, we can all be like, “It’s just so thrilling to think we could have a Latina on the Supreme Court. We can’t believe it! I don’t know why the Democrats want these hearing; I just want to vote for her right now!” And we can ask all inane questions at the hearings like, “What’s your favorite color?” and “What font do you prefer for your decisions?” and “How awesome is it that you’re Latina?”

What will this achieve? I don’t know. But it’s unpredictable, and that’s what the Republicans needs right now. The way so many Democrats act like cornered rats they just know that this brief bit of power isn’t going to last, so let’s keep ’em paranoid.

Nukes Aren’t Cool

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One way to deal with North Korea is to convince them that nuclear are completely out of style now. We just say to North Korea, “Wow, nukes; you guys did not get the memo. Everything is satellite based death rays, now. Instead of a nuke, you might as well be brandishing a sharpened rock tied to a stick. Nukes are so camp right now, they’re more of a gay status symbol… not there is anything wrong with that… other than the gayness. So do you and Iran have a thing going? …I guess that’s not my business. Anyway, did you that the word you use for missile is slang for ‘penis’? Every time you do a missile test, you’re just embarrassing your whole country.”

Just a thought. Other idea is to use advanced stem cell research to see if scientists can grow Obama some testicles so he might do something forcefull about this, but the mockery sounds easier.

Random Thoughts

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I’m all for going at Sotomayor with both barrels as long as we recognize it won’t directly accomplish anything.

Clarence Thomas is a race-traitor since he doesn’t imitate the politics of a rich, white liberal.

Is nominating a Supreme Court Justice a bit like appointing one ninth of a dictator?

With a finite supply of gay marriages in California, I wonder if people who don’t want them anymore can sell them on eBay?

With all this talk of Sotomayor and Prop 8, no one’s congratulating North Korea on their successful nuclear test.

They call a full time job a “9 to 5”, but have you ever known anyone who actually works 9am to 5pm? Who gets paid lunches?

To attack Sotomayor’s legal reasoning is to miss the point of why she was appointed; we need to question whether she is really Hispanic.

If 80% of your decisions are overturned by the Supreme Court, the best way to fix that is to become a Supreme Court Justice.

So is our only hope now to get Iran and North Korea to nuke each other?

Gays marrying could upset the natural balance of things. Gravity might reverse and the earth’s mass would fire us into space. I’m serious, people. Scientists still don’t know how gravity works. It may only function because we don’t allow gay marriage.

If conservatives want to steal the thunder of the Sotomayor nomination, Justice Roberts could reveal that he’s secretly Hispanic.

How do identity politics work? Do I have to be Hispanic to take pride in the Sotomayor nomination, or can I just have a really good tan?

If Obama gets us all killed, I leave my stereo to the highly evolved bird creatures that will dig it up millions of years from now.

lolterizt! Part 82

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This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From BigJackCK:

[reference link]

From Conan The Librarian:

From Craig:

From JarvisW:

[reference link]

From Joel:

From Shane of ShaneBlake.com:

From Speciallist of The Minority Report:

From Steve:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Snapped Shot for handy links to ripe-for-captioning photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Record Stupid

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We were playing around with a little game on Twitter the manly 140 character limit messaging service listing three words liberals would hate, and one of my response was “right to carry.” This caused someone going by “Smoothcrminal” to respond with “otherwise known as the right to shoot your wife”.

And I was taken aback, because that’s a lot of stupid crammed into very few words.

So, apparently, this “smooth criminal” thinks that the only thing keeping some people from shooting their wives is the ability to legally carry their guns out in public because if you’re going to shoot your wife, it has to be out of the home with a legally possessed gun. I mean, if the guy had a least a tiny filter between the synapses misfiring in his brain and angrily posting to the internet, he could have come up with a marginally logical response like “otherwise known as the right to shoot someone who looks at you funny”, but that’s probably like expecting proper table manners from a chimpanzee. Plus, he chooses the poser name “Smooth Criminal”, but his reaction upon mention of firearms is “Eww! Guns are scary!”

Yeah, I know, the internets are full of these people, but sometime I’d like a scientific study of how these nimrods even figure out how to turn on a computer.

Supreme Court Nomination

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It’s probably unlikely Obama will nominate anyone who doesn’t hate America and Americans and especially its Constitution, so I don’t know how big a deal to make over Obama’s choice of Sotomayor. It’s not like we could ever get him to do much better. I just wonder what’s the chance of getting him to nominate a reverse Souter. Like Sotomayor will come in saying, “I promise to rule based on whatever will please the New York Times” but soon after she gets in she says, “I’ve decided to make decision based on what’s actually in the Constitution.” And nothing actually in the Constitution should ever please liberals, because the Founding Fathers weren’t a bunch of fruits.

Random Thoughts

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I liked it better when C compilers gave you the most incomprehensible errors when you forgot a semicolon.

If computers prove anything, it’s that logic and rational thought are useless by themselves.

Is exclaiming “Oops!” the same as an apology? It is admitting fault.

Comparing Biden and Quayle, how many of Quayle’s gaffes were him saying things harmful to his administration’s policies?

Sparkly vampires is the single dumbest thing pop culture has come up with in the past century.

In a just world, announcing you watch Keith Olbermann would gain the same reaction as saying you attend KKK meetings.

Star Trek was awesome! Only person who wouldn’t like it would be Hitler or someone just like him.

When you plagiarize someone and assume everyone knows you’re plagiarizing, that’s an homage.

They’re going to be doing a sequel to Taken called “Tooken”. Part of that statement was untrue.

If I were a criminal, to confuse police I’d get personalized license plates that say “NO PLATES”.

Powell can give advice to the GOP, but he should be humble enough to realize he’s basically a pedophile giving advice on child rearing.

What is Powell’s message? “The GOP needs moderates even squishier than McCain to succeed!”

I bet North Korea feels like a kid in candy store full of candy they want to tactically nuke.

Rebranding Gitmo

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Fox News got bored and asked a bunch of marketing weenies whether they thought that Gitmo could be “rebranded” so that liberals wouldn’t reflexively scream “TORTURE!” every time they heard it’s name.

Sadly, the best yonder marketing weenies could come up with for a new name was “Offshore Holding Facility”.

Let’s see if we can do better:

* Waves & Waterboards

* Tribunal Town

* Club Splodey

* Misfired Martyrs Motel

* Cuban Clown College

* Korandemonium!

* Interrogation Island

* Jihadi Jamaica

* Allaholics Anonymous

* Viva la Incarceracion!

Any other suggestions?