There seems to be a problem with Muslims in the Middle East. Many are not happy. Some are even angry. They have their religion of Islam and try to follow it best they can, but things do not seem to be working out for them. Know why?
Oil.
Crude oil is not in the Qur’an, yet it dictates much of Muslim life. It causes Westerners who care not for their religion to come to their region and bug them. It also funds decadent Saudi princes who drink and spend money on lavish excesses — things that are not very Muslimy. If Muslims want to get back to their roots, they need to get rid of all that oil which has nothing to do with their great religion. As a kind country who likes helping others, America should offer to take all the oil so it no longer plagues them.
The problem is that Muslims may have gotten so used to having non-Islamic black crude that they may not want to give up the oil even though doing so will allow them to focus on being Muslimy and happy. The call of Satan’s black blood is too great for them to surrender it willingly. As friends of Muslims and all humanity, America may have to come and take all their oil for their own good.
So, to help Muslims in the Middle East, we’ll need devices that can quickly steal all their oil. My first idea for that is some sort of flying ship:
It will fly over oil-rich fields and suck out all the oil and then fly away, leaving those areas to Muslim purity.
I also came up with an idea for a ground-based approach:
I got this idea from a Stephen Spielberg movie.
However we take their oil, we can expect this as the result:
Artist’s depiction of Muslims free from the oil that plagues them.
With no more oil, they’ll no longer have to be worried about being bothered by Westerners and can focus exclusively on being extra Muslimy.
If Americans truly care about their fellow man, it’s high time they demand we steal all the oil in the Middle East.
FULL DISCLOSURE: Frank J. is a paid consultant of Halliburton and has no morals whatsoever.
Didn’t Robur the Conquerer already build the first design?
Haha, Muslimy is my new favorite adjective.
Could this be a viable plan for Venezuela, too? Hugo Chavez seems so grumpy all time, so if we liberated all the oil in his country, he might smile & stop calling Boosh & everyone else “El Diablo”.
Or, we could send him a copy of ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows’; that Chomsky book he’s been reading has got to be worn out by now.
Ummm…shouldn’t at least one of your appreciative Muslim types be shown showering us with flowers and stuff…and not to be a wet blanket here but wasn’t that the “expectation” that we were sold by Condi and Cheney when we went to Iraq in the first place? What the hell happened to that deal?
Keep thinking, though Frank! You have vision and the rest of the world wears bifocals!
Frank J is the Jules Verne of our time. A hundred years from now people are going to be having conversations about how Frank J thought of all these things that people living then take for granted: Arab oil sucking/stealing machines, automatic monkey-faced-liberal punchers, terrorist-killing transformers, and the worldwide grid of electrified sea-nets to protect us all from Aquaman when he drinks too much squid ink.
I don’t think that even Islamic Rage Boy could complain about this invention. Nice work, Frank J!
Great plan, Frank. This way, we don’t have to go around saying “I slam Islam” any more (which also could be written as “Islam Islam” and spoken with a heavy “Depressed Iranian Taxicab Driver” accent).
Then, there’s also the proper way to pronounce “Muslim.” It’s either a short “u” or a long “oo” with your voice trailing up on the first syllable.
Quick! Send this to obama and let him use it in a speech.
I have on my site posted an alternative to these expensive oil stealing contraptions. It involves super extreme heat, glass, and something to break the glass. It is all a little hazy now, you can go search for it if you want.
Go click on my name or something.
Wasn’t that George Lucas instead of Spielberg? It looks like an Imperial Walker from Star Wars! Great idea, though, maybe that’s why the Empire will build them in the future! Oh, I forgot – it was actually “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away”!
Hmm, the muckadoos say the war is for oil. We still don’t have all the oil. Yup. With that logic, we are losing the war.
We need more of that sweet crude. You know, as a show of respect for the muslims and our earnest desire for them to follow it undistracted by things like wealth, resources, logic, reason, sanity, etc.
Frank,
That’s a very well thought out piece of reasoning, and seems to follow logic and all. But, their holy book mentions in several places that hoarding booty is o.k.
If you know what I mean.
“Now, now, Mr. Terrorist, that’s not very Muslimy of you, you know.”
Muslimy — I love it!