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It ends up that orangutans are being slaughtered in the name of fighting global warming. Interestingly enough, I have just been thinking that with allllll the scientists who believe that global warming is caused by man, maybe they are right. Maybe we do have to kill all the monkeys.
Also, I think another way to fight global warming is to set squirrels on fire. Squirrels eat nuts which could have otherwise grown into trees to help fight global warming. If we set all the squirrels on fire, there will be more trees and less warming! Kill them and the monkeys for the sake of the world! Either squirrels will burn or the earth will!
Come on Frank, we have to approach this rationally. First kill all the monkeys and see if the temperature drops. If not, THEN we burn the squirrels. Still no drop? Otters.
“Fight global warming. Kill an orangutan.” Sounds like a good t-shirt or bumpersticker.
I think that Exurban Jon is onto something. Monkeys, squirrels, otters . . . seals must fit in there somewhere. Manatees, too. And let’s not forget John Edward’s fluffy pet bunny.
But what do we do about liberals with dumb monkey faces? (Dang, there’s a joke in there and I just can’t find it.)
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
http://daveintexas.wordpress.com/2007/07/04/do-not-taunt-the-dynamite-monkey/
Spacemonkey? Are you gonna take this?
YUM! Burn’t squirrels…
Am sure the hill people will love that. “Look ma Free grub”
Yes, but won’t burning squirrels run screaming through the trees setting them ablaze as a final defiant act thus destroying that which we are setting out to save? The answer is not fire my friends, but bullets. We must throw bullets at the squirrels until they are dead.
“We must throw bullets at the squirrels until they are dead.”
Bwahaha! That wins comment of the day, IMO.
Great post, Frank. The reasoning is so perfect, I’m surprised no one thought of it earlier! Kill all monkeys and global warming will stop! Kill all monkey-faced liberals and whining about global warming will stop as well! Perfect!
Killing off the squirrels will just allow the racoon population to explode which will contribute to Global Warming. Why, I don’t know…but I’m sure it will! So I think we better slaughter the racoons too just to make sure! Any bets on how long it will take before the PETA pricks lose interest in Michael Vick and start crawling up Frank’s ass?
But if we killed off all the cows, that would reduce greenhouse gases (especially the flatulent methane) and lead to global cooling. Then, the zombies wouldn’t have any beef to eat and would die off, leading to less liberalism. With fewer mental disorders in our population, the monkeys would be fine. I say: hands off the primates!
Jimmy, you aren’t helping keep the Peta pricks off poor old Frank! We are going to have to rely on AquaMan to fend them off and that is a very scary thought!
Dammit, how many times must this be repeated: orangutans, chimps, gorillas, and gibbons are APES. They are not monkeys. Monkeys have tails. Damn, Frank, you’re getting all worked up about an ape. Keep your focus on those evil monkeys. Otherwise you’ll be killing the wrong animals and wasting your time.
Of course, Liberals are monkeys, too. They just tuck their tails down their pants leg so you don’t know any better.
[They’re all monkeys. -Ed]
ussjimmycarter – well, true. By the way, I took the liberty of starting a branch campus of the ussjimmycarter institute on that “Whaddya Mean ‘Just'” page. Sorry about that.
I’m glad somebody mentioned the destructive effect of cow farts (Jimmy). That was so popular when I was younger, the anti-ozone effects of bovine flatulence.
That’s it. It isn’t China’s lack of industrial regulation; it’s just cows.
Chipmunks are next after squirrels.
Chipmunks roasting over an open fire,
Hot sauce dripping from their toes……
I love that song. Makes me feel warm all over, probably does the same thing for the chipmunks.